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laneous item my main goal is to avoid small talk at all costs and get my black ass out of dodge as fast as humanly possible but now that there are no more daily assassination attempts on my liver more often than not i find myself actually engaging people even smiling while doing so yes my new found niceness utterly sickens me if i saw an acquaintance at a store that i wanted to avoid having small talk with the extraordinary stealth that i exhibited just to stay clear of their harmless minutiae would impress most ninjas now not only will i seek them out i ll engage them with the same small talk that i once loathed and even inquire about their family ugh sobriety has made being an unrepentant douchebag less of a priority and that starts to scare me not looking for every opportunity to say the most reprehensible things imaginable to people without even flinching is definitely a cause for concern did you know that i have new found habit of sexual reciprocity i used to take so much pride in my pre ejaculation and the love i have for penetrating women to public enemy s welcome to the terrordome what is happening to me i mean even mercilessly assaulting people for minor offenses is starting to lose its luster for the past few months i seriously thought my asshole world was crashing down around me that was until i met a self loathing black man with an obama assassination fetish that is i had to give the drummer some an old friend of mine is the guitarist in a jazz band for the longest time i had promised him that i would go to one of his performances but i was really dragging my feet for the fear that his band would sound like a constipated turkey a judgment that a seasoned asshole like myself would only feel compelled to share with him but despite the possibility of ruining a friendship with my blunt honesty i finally made it to one of his performances and suffice it to say his band was absolutely amazing so amazing in fact that i found myself making it to three of their performances a week they were that good i mean sure there was a lot of eye candy in attendance that i wanted to be proverbial notches in my chewbacca sized sexual exploit belt but my friend s music was a great backdrop as i whispered sweet you haven t lived until you ve been fucked in a confessional sentiments in some young lady s ear seeing a band as much as i did you get acquainted with the other band members and i must say that they were all pretty stand up guys well all of them except the drummer derrick i knew going in that derrick was a black conservative but that didn t bother me our post set conversations about politics actually started out rather civil he had legitimate beefs with obama that i couldn t argue with principled stances that forced a insufferable prick like myself to show the gentleman nothing but respect but then as if someone flipped a switch he went from civil discourse to questioning obama s birthplace and making michelle obama jokes that you d expect a militia member to make at this point i was actively avoiding him doing things like striking up conversations with strangers or simply leaving the room whenever i saw him approaching unfortunately he would occasionally find me and unload some wing nut craziness about obama being in bed with al qaeda straight lunacy that glenn beck would distance himself from when he would go on these rants laughter seemed to be my only option because i quickly saw an attempt at methodical debunking his nonsense devolving into me snapping his fucking neck in front of 50 jazz aficionados besides beating my homey s bandmate wouldn t be the best thing for our friendship so i told myself that if it got too bad that i simply wouldn t come back any more then it happened right after one of their sets derrick sat beside me angrily reading a newspaper and said this motherfucker won t survive his first term and thank god for that yeah that was enough for me so minutes later as he smoked a cigarette behind the club i snuck behind him and put him in one hell of a sleeper hold after a few moments right before he fell asleep i released the hold and delivered two rather disgruntled punches to his kidney right before throwing him head first into the side of a dumpster yes i gave him a couple kicks for good measure as well then i promptly went home the next day i got a call from my friend informing me of the ass whipping derrick was on the business end of damn no one knew it was me i guess being an asshole is sort of like riding a bike you never forget p s yes beating a black conservative counts don t judge me posted by the humanity critic at 10 27 am 4 comments tuesday april 27 2010 my very first tea party rally ever since i witnessed disgruntled octogenarians everywhere protesting the socialist heath care bill while their pockets swelled with social security cash whiny bigots literally breaking down in tears while saying the words i want my country back and scores of people who would fail a high school civics class holding misspelled signs with pride i just knew that one day i would attend a tea party rally some people hope to one day pilgrimage to mecca i had dreams of being surrounded by thousands of minor league klansmen who want people to think that taxes are the real reason they have such a distaste for our 44th president i mean we can finally drop the its just a bunch of concerned citizens pretense can t we a couple of weeks ago shitloads of people around the country gathered to scream bloody murder about taxes despite the fact that federal income taxes on middle class families are at historic lows and obama gave 95 of those ungrateful sons of bitches tax cuts not for nothing but if it walks like a racist and talks like a racist chances are they are holding a sign calling the president a communist i know broad generalizing is wrong and i m sure there are folks in the tea party who do indeed have legitimate concerns i just contend that that number is relatively small about the same minuscule percentage of strippers who are thrusting their glitter encrusted pelvises to actually pay for college courses but hey i ve been wrong before so after a year of fearing that attending a tea party rally would result in me going all nat turner on a motherfucker i finally trusted myself enough to mingle with what i believe to be the most disgruntled people in america here is what happened when yours truly decided to enter the lions den town point park norfolk virginia i arrived on the premises around 5 30 or so about an hour and a half late sure i know that my penchant for tardiness has subpar journalist written all over it but after i learned that i had just missed a speech delivered by bishop e w jackson sr i couldn t have been happier see nothing is wrong with black opposition of obama but the good bishop is one of those self loathing black folks who incessantly shields republicans from the racism charge by claiming the ones making said charge are playing the race card because him and black folks of his ilk are too stupid to know that tea party folks are just using them in a i have a black friend i can t be racist sort way i m glad i missed him the mere sight of him giving a rhetorical softshoe routine would have forced me to become rather indignant and break whatever cover i attempted to maintain the first thing i saw as soon as i entered the premises were these kids holding signs because i didn t want to bring any undue attention on to myself i have a thick beard and long dreadlocks mind you i refrained from yelling your parents really need their asses kicked you little shits it was extremely difficult to hold that back using kids to peddle your flimsy political philosophy is rather unseemly then again i m the same guy who has every intention of using my niece this summer to meet rather flexible low self esteem having women anyway remember that scene in malcolm x when malcolm went to mecca and he was being shadowed by those cia agents with video cameras as much as i tried to blend in i always felt like the cia agent in the aforementioned scenario this is karen hurd the founder of the hampton roads tea party who was the person speaking as i walked up the rampant misinformation that came out of this woman s mouth would have been laughable if the people in attendance weren t willfully eating it up like hungry pigs at a trough as i stood there listening to an unrepentant liar whose main agenda was to scare the living shit out of every unenlightened bigot within the sound of her voice you could tell that she was doing her best michelle bachmann impression that said this woman s rhetoric was so exceedingly clumsy that she made michelle bachmann look like maya angelou um yeah whatever gets you through the night lady here are a few crowd shots i d say there were roughly 300 people there nowhere near town point park s capacity of course there were an abundance of signs referencing the constitution and how the president is apparently wiping his ass with it but obama was a constitutional professor for christs sake lecturing him on that document is like holding a sign in front of karinne steffans house that reads remember the blowjob or holding a sign in front of r kelly s house that reads remember the pre teen i asked one of these folks about the constitution and it turns out that i know more about the mating habits of the fossa than any of them know about the constitution if people like andrew breitbart are so concerned with people smearing the tea party he should be more concerned with them making it so easy for assholes like me this is purely anecdotal but the staff there seemed to hand out tea party materials to everyone except me i smiled said hello i even distributed nods of approval nothing to be quite honest they seemed like they were actively avoiding me maybe my agenda was obvious i dunno its not like i was wearing a public enemy shirt with che guevara wristbands either way what better way to silence the folks who think that you are movement motivated by racism than to embrace everything within a square mile radius with a pulse it was just rather telling to me yes there was black people two things on that 1 i saw that there was a nationally coordinated effort to have more and more black people at tea party rallies that day which is nice optics i m sure but it doesn t mean a goddamn thing like i always say there are self loathing black people who would join the klu klux klan if they were allowed to 2 the black people pictured above were brought in by a local candidate running for office i found this out when i saw someone come by and relieve them of their sign holding duties not only is their whole movement astroturfed so is their black support to my brother and sisters with the economy in the shape that it is there is money in part time conservatism get that paper homey i won t judge you what s a tea party rally without the obama as the joker sign it s sort of like going to a stevie wonder concert you know you re going to hear superstition before the night is done this pair of tits is bob marshall not for nothing but thank god for wikipedia pages because otherwise i d be spending an inordinate amount of time detailing the many varieties of shit that makes up this rather lackluster human being he kept bragging about being the architect of ken cuccinelli s health care lawsuit against the federal government which is obviously frivolous but that didn t stop him from lathering up the dopes with the pipe dream of health care repeal the contempt that a lot of elected republican officials have for their constituents is amazing the one thing that i noticed as i listened to mr marshall attempt to stick the proverbial landing on what has become standard teabagger boilerplate is that these events are nothing more than third rate comedy roasts of president obama by bigots with each speaker desperately trying to outdo the other with their insults of the president coming from a guy who feels the need to get an std test every time i even think about some of my past dalliances the mere fact that i felt like taking a shower after bob marshall spoke is really saying something as i prepared to leave i noticed a guy holding this utterly despicable sign when he was saw me taking a picture of it he quickly dropped the sign to his side and folded it up when he past me i just smirked shook my head slowly and told him too late motherfucker at that point i could care less about maintaining any sort of cover but as i left the tea party rally that day i realized that the man holding the barry soetoro is our terrorist sign is a microcosm of the entire tea party movement when their tax arguments are proven to be fraudulent when they don t seem to have the same critiques of big government when arizona does it their silence in the populism department when it comes to wall street why don t they just admit that its all about racism already like the guy with the sign own your racism for christs sake i d at least applaud you for being honest for once posted by the humanity critic at 11 29 am 6 comments thursday april 22 2010 ahh i love the smell of racism in the morning chase whiteside is absolutely killing it for the last year he has been routinely exposing these tea party folks with a surgical precision that s quite unparalleled his patient and non combative nature allows his interview subjects to reveal their ignorance with reckless abandon it s quite a thing of beauty to me especially considering how the folks in the video above flatly rejected factual information its pretty obvious that they have more of a problem with the color of our president s skin than anything else its just a shame that no matter how painfully transparent their dogwhistle rhetoric is how many clearly racist signs that many of them carry or how utterly fraudulent a lot of their claims turn out to be the media will still continue to say that these folks have legitimate concerns liberal media my ass chase whiteside s website and facebook page posted by the humanity critic at 1 14 pm no comments wednesday april 21 2010 jon stewart s beautiful bernard goldberg takedown this summary is not available please click here to view the post posted by the humanity critic at 11 25 am no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom contributors nyree the humanity critic links media matters imdb internet movie database think progress hip hop game talking points memo underground hip hop daily kos people who don t suck greg sargent bob cesca nate silver nahright jaysmooth selfra oliver willis andrew sullivan dallas penn perf spot music reviewstacks adam bernard b boys com blog archive 2010 26 august 1 some hippies deserve to be punched july 1 june 1 may 1 april 8 march 1 february 11 january 2 2009 71 december 1 november 3 october 6 september 7 august 10 july 7 april 1 march 22 february 11 january 3 2008 89 december 5 november 4 october 11 september 3 august 7 july 11 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