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n hour before eating so i have to have the medication ready and plan out meals in advance enough so that i know i will be eating in a half hour in the meantime the medication makes me nauseous so i feel like not eating basically every time i drink it i need to eat enough at each meal to take some heavy duty meds because otherwise they will upset my stomach sometimes causing vomiting and having to start the whole cycle all over again i sometimes require rescue medication which also requires food even though in the case of migraines or extreme pain i am generally pretty nauseous when i need to take it and that makes taking it nearly impossible in addition i have food allergies food intolerances and gastrointestinal issues that sometimes lead to me feeling full without having eaten anything in over 48 hours i also deal with chronic pain which makes cooking difficult obviously but also in a less obvious way makes eating difficult i am so used to tuning out the physical feelings of my body because if i felt all the pain i feel all the time i would not still be alive and one way i have found to cope is to shut down the things that feel too much that normal physical bodily stuff doesn t even register i don t remember the last time i was hungry or what hungry even feels like i have to set timers on my phone so that i will drink the water i m supposed to drink because thirsty often doesn t register either i have had issues because i sometimes forget to pee like i know it s a thing and i feel it sometimes but i can block it out no problem i have learned through years of hideously painful experience that listening to my body is dangerous for my physical and mental health so hungry i don t know but does that girl scout cookie smell good yes so i mma eat it those are basic guidelines in which i have to then 1 find the spoons to make a meal 2 find the spoons to eat the meal i haven t even mentioned the fact that a lot chronically ill disabled people are caretakers or parents and that means incorporating the needs and wants of other people into you meal planning as well or that all of the when i eat healthy i can feel the difference rhetoric is meaningless to a person who doesn t feel better ever nothing i eat makes me feel more tired because i am already at exceeds human levels of tiredness tired nothing i eat ever makes me feel more energized less in constant pain more of whatever you are feeling that you think you need to pass on the good news about it is basic fuel it somehow manages to squeak through all the restrictions i ve listed and sometimes it tastes good and other times it fits in my mouth i can swallow it without having to chew it more than once and that s the level of happiness i manage to equate with what i m eating given all those givens if i sometimes resort to eating a sleeve of saltines slathered in peanut butter the last thing i need is for someone to come along and try to able splain to me the horrors and evils of gluten i don t need anybody to explain to me that pizza isn t actually a vegetable on a day when ordering a pizza is the only thing i have the spoons to do i don t need a random stranger a doctor a sister or you to attempt to convert me to a vegan keto supercalileavemethefuck alone diet plan by suggesting that they know more about what i need physically than i do here s a hint ya don t i have lived with these restrictions and a lot more that i haven t gone into for this long and managed to keep myself alive when you re fighting for survival on a daily basis sometimes remembering to count your goddamn calories is above and beyond what you are capable of doing and that s just going to have to be ok with everybody because i m sick of defending it it s not your business honestly and if your diet works for you great so happy for you but you do not know what it s like to live in this disabled body so i m gonna need you to shut the hell up posted by never that easy at 10 47 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels about me badd eating food saturday april 21 2018 we are sisters we will always be sisters our differences may never go away but neither for me will our song elizabeth fishel my sister got an apartment for the past few years she her husband and her young son have been living in the basement of her mother in law s house she calls it the cave they were doing it because housing is so fucking expensive around here and she was working nights while her husband worked days and it kind of didn t matter that they lived in a dungeon for a while they made do but at the end of the month they ll be moving into an apartment close to where her husband works and in a good school system for their soon to be kindergarten age son she got laid off from her night job at the end of november with a pretty nice severance package and decided to start a home business selling bath salts and essentially oiled soaps and she seems happy excited i m happy for her but i haven t asked if the apartment is on the first floor yet because i know it s basically just another opportunity to have my heart broken because this is the sister who gives me a lift whenever i need it and doesn t complain or make me feel like a huge burden for needing the lift in the first place but she s also the sister who was getting married and told me she wasn t having a bridal party because she and my real sister were fighting and there wasn t any point in having the rest of us by real sister she meant the only sister who is 100 blood related to her and with our mishmash of halves and steps and somes our sisterhood is a wee bit complicated that way i suppose but i d never considered it so until that moment until the second she told me that she considered me to be some second tier sister with the carelessness of someone who s just mentioning the truth as they know it as simply as saying fish swim in water as if it was given a thing that everyone already knew and acknowledged sisterhood is a complicated messed up confusing mix of shit sometimes i have five sisters one of them the one who joined us last by marrying our only brother is dead i watched her die with both startling suddenness and screeching slowness i let her down and let her kids down because i allowed her to live those last months in a denial that seemed impenetrable at the time although i recognize now that that was mostly my own cowardice i knew the end was coming long before anybody else here could recognize it and i so wanted to be wrong that i allowed myself to be convinced it wasn t true i knew what was true though and not confronting her with it not presenting it to her in a way she could accept robbed her of her goodbyes i think robbed her kids of all the letters she should have written them to open on graduations and birthdays and weddings when i think of the hole she has left in our family in the threads of us i couldn t be sadder i feel guilty that i am raising her children or talking with her sister or having easter dinner with her parents knowing that it should be her there instead i miss her laugh and her let s do it spirit and i m still mad about the time she told me to suck it up and guilty that i felt vindicated when she was sick enough herself to apologize for having said it the feeling of missing her is a feeling of weight in my chest of tears that want to flow for her and her children and her husband and her family i hope that she knows that i loved her and that my love for them is not just because of my brother but because of her too i know i m just a placeholder here but i hope she knows how much i miss her my older sister the one that came with the dad my mom chose for us is distant in a different way she s independent of the rest of us in a way that i both envy and pity she has her own happiness and her own path and i wish her well on them both but i d rather not be lectured on them any more if it s all the same to you you know that pop psychology saying where the things you don t like about other people are the things you don t like about yourself this sister is the one who makes me most feel like a hypocrite because i talk about what i need and making it work with what other people need but when she does it it seems so selfish to me that i almost cannot process it our needs are different of course but i m not sure hers are any less mandatory in her mind than mine are to me that s a hard thing to face to feel like you are being self less when you are in fact being selfish this sister has a laugh that i miss a cackling snort that was a staple of my childhood and that i doubt i ve heard in years she s aloof in a way that makes me feel aloof i know she s a mama bear but she protects her cubs in such a different way than i would that it s hard for me to hold out my hand to help she says she has healing abilities she has never once offered them to me and i cannot think that i would be anything but pissed off if she did hello hypocrisy hello mirror she shuts doors with an enviable ease but i think they re the wrong doors so we find ourselves on opposite sides i have never felt like she was my big sister i feel like in everyone s eyes i have always been the oldest and i m jealous that she somehow avoided all of that responsibility her favorite board game when we were children was aggravation and i m not sure there could be a more apt description anywhere of how our relationship has evolved the rest of my sisters are younger and they are all babies to me in some way even though the youngest will be thirty this year and the other two are mothers the other two are amazing mothers such different mothers but both so caring so capable so determined to avoid the mistakes of our parents and yet their mothering reminds me so much of our mother that sometimes it s indistinguishable they have their own relationships with our mom fraught with the opposite complications of my own i was her chronically ill child they were the children who wished for the attention i had stolen i cannot find it in me to blame any of the players in that play for resenting the roles they were cast in even as i regret and resent our casting and so to say to them you have the best parts of our mother mixed into your mothering is a bridge i haven t crossed with either of them unsure of the reception i d get on the other side but it doesn t make it any less true one sister mothers with an ease and grace and adult ness that was shocking and unexpected from one of our family s babies and yet somehow mothering is as natural to her as breathing and her bond with her son is mesmerizing and sweet complete and thoughtful i know she is hurt as i am by the children who haven t come the siblings she wishes for her son maybe they ll come in time for her maybe they won t like me i ll be sad with and for her if she doesn t get the family she wants but i also know the family she has is enough i hope she feels it too if she needs to her boy is her heart her guide her star and only good things will come from for either of them the other mother is anxious and eager to avoid the generational mistakes that plague us it s hard when she s living in our parents house having to balance a pregnancy and a tantruming toddler and a chronic illness or two that are untreated able but here s the thing i can t make her see although i have tried and will continue to try every day if she requires me to every day she battles and she believes and she begs and barters and bends her way through the day every day and there s nothing that could make me more proud of her nothing that could make me say you are the mother your kids deserve than that the need the drive the willingness to keep going in the face of all that she has to handle makes her a mother full stop makes her their mother and that s all they will require from her if only she could step back and see it she s the most closely connected to our mom right now and i am both envious because i miss that for myself and grateful because i don t miss it all she was the sister closest to me by age who came along and stole whatever attention i must have been getting at the time i was a pretty cute four year old guys and that made some of our relationship pretty rocky she s the teenager who planned her sweet sixteen up a huge flight of stairs then got mad at me for making a scene when i needed to be almost carried up them who my college roommate called a bitch but only to me the 300th time i was crying about some illness related issue that she refused to accommodate she was big on perfume as a teenager and tantrums including name calling her lazy ass fake ass pretending poser of a big sister but she s also the only sister who s apologized for all of that who has acknowledged that teenage her s behavior was shameful and horrifying she s the sister i ve sat huddled under the table with as she battled her own demons and who would text me hysterically laughing during the office he s wearing kleenex boxes for shoes this shit is too much she has a fierceness that made me sort her into slytherin before the sorting hat could choose but with such a hufflepuff heart it s hard not to build a giant shield around her so nothing bad in the world can hurt her she s the one who calls me her person and who tries to make me recognize that i am probably not a hideously dreadful human being when i most feel like one she s jealous of the connection the next in line sister and i have i m jealous of the one they have there s so many twists and turns between us all we could outdo most soap operas pretty easily that next in line sister and i have a physical proximity now that has helped us be closer and a nephew we both love that we work hard to show our love for together she s become a friend i wish i could have to her chronically ill best friend the kind that listens and does your grocery shopping if you need milk and calls your husband an ass if he calls you lazy and remembers what you re allergic to and i wonder where the girl who made me feel like the biggest imposition for daring to still be sick on christmas or her birthday disappeared to her evolution as a human being has been so impressive and inspiring and i wish i didn t have to tip toe so much around her that i don t get to enjoy all the benefits of that but she never treats me like i should stop asking for favors and she genuinely seems to appreciate my helping hand and occasional words of wisdom when it comes to her kid she s the baby i carried around on my hip the most the one i learned how to fill bottles for and change diapers on and i remember her tiny chubby little hand holding mine as she hid behind my leg from whatever people my parents had over she has a level of warrior and witchcraft i wasn t expecting and i feel lucky to be able to watch them bloom the youngest of us the true baby chronologically lives the furthest physical distance away she came to us late a voice on a phone a high happy giggle and e...