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he art of stealing mombie s phone and taking disturbing selfies see told you i didn t write for over a year after graduation this post is the first thing i ve written since earning my degree and for that i am ashamed at one point in my life i starved for my craft now i m bringing back the hunger i m crawling out of my rut of a grave and i m coming back from the dead welcome to night of the living mombie mombie in the flesh tales of desperation chapter 7 july 9 2018 haleywallace822 1 comment not sure if i ve mentioned this before but i have bipolar disorder if you don t have bipolar disorder imagine feeling like you have the flu but no sneezing or cough and you also have an inner voice telling you you deserve that icky feeling and that nothing can make it go away and no one cares that you feel that way now imagine no one actually makes any effort to show they care your flu has proof now which only makes it stronger housework starts piling up a bit and it s hard to care because no one comes anyways meals become something quick to throw together instead of the soul feeding experiences they once were weeks go by and your flu is still going strong that s your depressive state suddenly you get so mad at yourself that you stay up all night for a week straight deep cleaning every room in your house you re still sore but so ready to be done with the flu you barely sleep because you are too busy learning new skills and trying to master them within hours you become newly optimistic and feel like you finally beat the flu you make grand plans because now you are on top of the world the housework starts sliding again because you are exhausted from all the things you are doing on all the sleep you aren t getting you forget to eat you forget what day it is anymore that s your manic state then all at once you fall in your kitchen floor from the sudden reappearance of the flu that feels like it is making up for lost time in its intensity you never really get better this flu is chronic and incurable you tell people about it and they say oh i never knew you had the flu you don t look like you have the flu are you sure it isn t just seasonal allergies so you stop telling people you go through life with the same responsibilities as everyone else while constantly having this awful flu which makes things harder people don t understand because they only have the flu if they catch it somehow and it always goes away after running its course your flu is a different strain that many people don t even know exists much less understanding how it can affect you or how to even really treat it since you stopped telling people most don t even know they know someone that has it if they do they don t know what to do with that information anyway or worry it might be contagious and don t come around but this flu isn t contagious and isolation only worsens its symptoms if you have bipolar disorder you know this only scratches the surface of what it is like to live with it this is part of why this mombie had to take an unplanned interlude from this blog ghoulie girl s almost 5 now frankendad has moved to third shift i ve worked a couple jobs for the sake of human interaction and making ends meet over this interlude but have been back home for a while preparing for the next big adventure homeschooling ghoulie girl i ve also been taking time to learn new skills i ve taken up painting and am currently at 49 paintings since february thanks to the birthday challenge i gave myself to paint 100 paintings by my next birthday but yesterday i broke down in the kitchen because i felt like no one besides my husband and daughter would miss me when i m gone if i get interaction with other people it s because i made the effort to do so even while in the depths of depression luckily frankendad was there to hold me so i didn t actually collapse because i almost did i don t really know why i m writing this blog post instead of sleeping i m not even sure if anyone will read it but damn if it didn t feel good to write my little sour patch kid june 26 2016 haleywallace822 2 comments one thing that kids seem to be able to innately master is how to walk the fine line between sour and sweet just like in those sour patch kid commercials at least i hope i m not the only one with a true to life sour patch kid ghoulie girl and i have been going through some power struggles involving wearing matching shoes and not pooping in the floor instead of the potty when she knows perfectly well how to use the potty and then in the midst of all this sour behavior and my trying to fix it she asks me if i m happy i told her the truth mommy may not always be happy but i will always be joyful because you are my joy you know what that adorable little stinker said no mommy you re my joy let me tell you all poopy woes and shoe struggles were forgotten she really is my joy even if she is a sour patch kid sometimes tales of desperation chapter 6 may 9 2016 haleywallace822 leave a comment first off happy mother s day while perusing facebook today i noticed so many friends gushing over their mom with sweet anecdotes and kind words of appreciation with each one i felt sharp pains in my heart that i can t post similar accolades for the woman who gave birth to me my mother and father divorced when i about 3 or 4 and i spent most of my days with my grandparents before that point my mom lost custody to my father and ran off to florida with a guy named jp to get addicted to god knows what and come back to lose herself to schizophrenia and domestic abuse as the years went on my dad lost custody when i was 7 to my aunt and uncle due to his own failings i ended up living with my grandparents again until i went off to college i remember in middle and high school feeling those same pains everyone seemed to have such good relationships with their moms and i wasn t worthy enough to even see mine more than a couple of times a year if i was lucky the moms of the other girls on the cheerleading team were always there to do their daughter s hair and to cheer them on at the games luckily my papa stepped up to the plate on both of those accounts and while i am grateful to have had someone i felt like an outlier because i didn t have my mom there was this picture i kept for the longest time of my mother my father and myself before the divorce i would hold it and cry when i longed for what a relationship with either of them was supposed to be i ve asked god an unfortunate amount of times why he didn t see fit to put me with functional parents rather than a dysfunctional disaster i recognize that my past has made me the strong woman i am today and the great mother i am to my own child but i still can t help but wonder what it would be like to fully honor a worthy mother on mother s day i still tell her happy mother s day but it doesn t feel like it should i don t feel grateful for her i don t feel close to her i love her because i can t help but love her but so much is missing when i was pregnant i didn t have my mom to call because i could never keep up with what number she had when i had questions about what to do with my daughter when she arrived i knew better than to ask her i am thankful for my grandmother my mother in law and my grandmother in law for being there to help me become a great mother without having had one to learn from all i can say that i have learned from my mother is how to not be a mother to never put anything trivial above my child to never abandon my child to never give up on giving my child everything she deserves in life and to always be there for the little things and the big things i learned this because it was all i ever wanted out of my mother although i am trying to pick up the pieces with my mother and my father and build new relationships with them it is clear that these relationships will never be the ideals or even the norms of parent child relationships i ll never have that closeness that should have been my birthright i m working hard on accepting that but days like today make it hard my heart goes out to all the sons and daughters of absent mothers and fathers on days where their absence is most felt may you find peace in the life they gave you come sit awhile with me february 1 2016 february 1 2016 haleywallace822 1 comment tonight s one of those nights insomnia s hitting hard and negativity is hitting harder ghoulie girl and frankendad are fast asleep dreaming lovely dreams i m sure and i have no one to talk to i try to distract myself with videos on youtube but the loneliness comes creeping back see long gone are the nights of yore filled with texting a bestie about nothing just to have someone to talk to most of those besties are gone moved on to greener bestie hoods that s a thing right if not it is now anyway stuff like that happens when you move and get married and have a kid i ve done all three so some major drifting has definitely happened in my life so i sit alone with my thoughts which unfortunately end up revolving around the fact that i have no friends anymore i start to wonder if i ever did i put myself down for things i might have done or could have done or should have done forgetting all the great things i did do i remember that i am a good friend i d be there for anyone if they just said they needed me and that s not just talk i ve given up having my own room in high school so a best friend could achieve their best chance when things were rough for them i ve dropped what i was doing on many occasions to be there when no one else could or would i ve lost sleep countless nights helping friends find peace or contemplate their lives and i would continue to do so for anyone bestie status not required but no one says they need me so i continue to sit to be clear i m not writing this as some pity me post this blog is about helping other mombies and frankendads and non parent humans know they aren t alone so please if you are reading this and feeling down about who you are as a person i m here feeling it as i am writing this to you i ve googled how to make friends tonight i ve given empty space around me a forlorn stare contemplating whos and hows and whys i m feeling this depression hit like a ton of bricks with no one around to help me get back up but if i learned anything from my googling it is that i am not alone and neither are you or you or you if you need me i am here just say the words the hands of friendship are extended come sit with me if you need rest tales of desperation chapter 5 january 24 2016 haleywallace822 3 comments it s amazing how much can change in just 3 months how much a heart can change from excitement to weariness and pain how much responsibilities can change and shift and pile up how much a two year old can grow and learn and say and beg mommy not to leave call me weak call me crazy i don t care call me what you want because it doesn t matter i m mommy to the one that matters damnit that coupled with chaotic goings on at my job hastened my departure from the working world i won t go into specifics agreements were signed preventing that sort of thing all i can say is that it feels so good to know the nevers i ll never hear my daughter s heart break over my leaving for work again think money is the cure all it s really just time and patience decide that money is worth depriving my daughter of the education i have yearned to give her before i ever even knew her quit writing because i m too drained from working a job playing catch up on housework and trying to be the best mom i can be god has blessed me and my family to where i can stay home without being in dire financial stress i wouldn t say it is easy but we ve been worse off to say the least he blessed me again by giving me the job to teach me an important and valuable lesson about where i am meant to be right now and what i am supposed to do the world condemns those who don t work or contribute financially to itself if you don t serve with your all for money you are called a drain a leech a parasite but god he hath shewed thee o man what is good and what doth the lord require of thee but to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy god micah 6 8 it is unjust and unmerciful in my heart to give my daughter and husband less of me most of all my god deserves more of me not saying i can give him all he deserves but he already knows that i cannot serve god and mammon however i can serve god and my family it feels good to be home the mombie has risen again tales of desperation chapter 4 october 17 2015 october 17 2015 haleywallace822 2 comments sorry for the hiatus everybody it s been a busy few weeks what with me applying for interviewing for and landing my first job since graduation in may 2014 god is so good guys and all in his time about a year ago i was looking for a job desperate for anything and getting absolutely nothing i put it in god s hands and asked him to lead me in what i was meant to do for a long time i stayed home with peace and without worrying about finding work frankendad got a great job right around that time that kept us afloat then the waves started getting a bit rougher i prayed over my applications saturday night monday morning i woke up and came into the living room just as the phone was ringing they wanted me to come in for an interview given my experience from a year ago i was in shock i applied for at least 100 jobs then hearing absolutely nothing back now i put in 5 applications and got a call from one within one business day i prayed before leaving for my interview that he would guide my words to suit his will i got called back for the final interview the next day i prayed again before leaving for the final interview for the same thing i got the job i got the job now once again we have peace in our home and in our hearts like i said god is good that said the blog may not be as active as it once was but i will post on here whenever i get the chance i promise tales of desperation chapter 3 october 4 2015 october 4 2015 haleywallace822 leave a comment if you ask me how parenthood is i ll tell you it has the ups and downs of a rollercoaster with similar levels of fun however some days you have an iron stomach and some days you throw up everywhere or they do whatever this evening was a one of those great iron stomach moments ghoulie girl woke up from a nap grabbing at her throat and saying ow all the red flags started waving everywhere and all the worries started flying around like the money in those money catching machines is it strep is it sinus drainage is it laryngitis it would have probably been easier to milk a cobra for venom than it was to get a good view of ghoulie girl s throat that s her mouth with a whole lot of nope i still never really got the greatest view but no white spots were found and it was just really red sinus drainage is a pain so i gave her some medicine to help with the inflammation and she screamed and called me mean mommy but within min...