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no place to hide skip to main skip to sidebar no place to hide these are the fast and dirty ramblings of a woman who is barreling straight into her middle age these writings come from the middle of her life not a particularly bad time either she s not freaked out she doesn t sit on the couch all day watching soaps and fantasizing about a life completely out of reach tuesday october 20 2009 dream in response to a friend telling me about the death of another friend s mother a year ago i would have read about julie s loss and sort of nodded in a yeah that s too bad kind of way but my own dad died 6 months ago young too 78 of cancer and since then i m fairly speechless when i hear news like this the rug that was pulled out from under me hasn t been replaced with any sage thoughts on the matter it s just plain old sad is what it is last night i dreamed that my mom had put some of dad s things on a table for giveaway crappy stuff of no value like if someone had emptied the dish on my desk that houses assorted pencils loose change buttons and paper clips my dad was there and though he looked well i knew he was dying i saw a scarf of his some slippers can i have these dad i asked him he shrugged sure those things didn t matter to him anymore they never did they didn t matter to me either though it was all i had to take away posted by dweezila at 12 32 pm 2 comments sunday october 18 2009 go dodgers my mother and i are talking about taking a 10 day walking trip we have to do it next year she tells me like we re running out of time but of course we are even though i can t imagine my tomboy of a mother any different than i know her today look for me on t v this afternoon she says 1 00 behind first base at the dodger game she ll be there mitt in hand like she is every game and i hope the cameras pan to her because you won t see a happier person in that stadium surrounded by my sister s and their husbands in the middle of the day a dodger dog in her hand i think it s an important game too because if they win bla bla bla my mom won t come up for the ellen bass poetry workshop that i m producing but if they lose bla bla bla she will come up do you hate me she asks when she reveals her choice of the dodgers over poetry and ellen bass hate you i say over the phone i love you because you know what makes you happy you know what you want and that life is too short do you really understand that she says that life is short well of course i think i m going to live forever i tell her as i multi task like a mad woman making coffee for the morning writing class applying lipstick and sending an email all while i hold the phone to my ear but it was seeing dad at the end i tell her my throat thick all the things he regretted what he hadn t done like learn to love she says and goes silent like learn to love i say this was something my dad told us at the end that he hadn t learned to love i m going to look for you behind first base i tell her go dodgers mom go dodgers posted by dweezila at 4 14 pm 1 comment tuesday october 13 2009 the ring all i had done was take off my wedding ring just for a second to see if it fit on any other finger just in case you know it wasn t going to be a wedding ring anymore but there must have been some force in the way i grabbed it off my finger because it went flying which might have been fine except that i was sitting in the sand not just a pile of sand like a sand box but an entire beach of sand that went for miles i held my breath craned my neck down the beach to where my family was playing looked down to where i was sitting and i started to dig posted by dweezila at 10 29 pm 2 comments sunday october 11 2009 girl s dream it s good news she s just given you on the phone a girl s dream come true a fantasy the highest nod of approval from her peers and maybe it s the shock of it that makes you bungle it say something stupid like how is this possible which is when she hangs up on you because she thinks you re saying you how did this happen to you just like cinderella s step mother said when she found out the prince had come looking for cinderella instead of her own horrible daughters but you didn t mean it that way it s just that you were so shocked and so proud and scared at the same time it s just that your very your first thought when she told you was they ll hate her people are going to hate her for this when you call her back and ask for forgiveness you ask her to do a re do to tell you again and let you answer more appropriately okay she says rolling her eyes on the phone hi mom she sing songs guess what i ve been nominated home coming queen posted by dweezila at 9 15 pm 3 comments thursday july 30 2009 here i am i m not tired or feeling rushed or put out by this detour off the central san rafael exit to find a bathroom for zoe i m mostly glad that i took her seriously when she said she felt sick usually when she says that we re on our way somewhere and while not always in a rush i m one of those people who are determined to get where they are going leaving exactly enough time to get there so i m glad now that after craning my head to the backseat a couple of times as i drove and seeing her pained face even after i rolled down the window and told her to breathe i m just glad i had the sense to pull over and now here we are in the gas station bathroom which is in fairly good shape smelling of toxic cleaner but a perfect place for her to lose her breakfast in the toilet i m standing behind her one arm around her middle just to keep her steady as she heaves into the bowl and another hand on her back rubbing it slowly not wanting to distract her but just wanting to comfort and let her know that i am there a small bit of vomit splashes out of the toilet and hits my bare feet in sandals i don t care i m just glad to be here grateful to be here after all those years of trying to get away from my children because i wanted to be alone or work or do my own thing this is where i want to be now there s no place i d rather be posted by dweezila at 7 28 pm 3 comments wednesday april 08 2009 no one knows last night sitting in the hot tub with my mother both of us naked and one of us more wrinkled than the other one of us sipping on some sweet plum drink that one of neighboring rabbi s a man who never comes without some new brew he s concocted last week it was a fig tincture this week plum with brandy both seriously strong sitting in the hot water in the dark after an early evening rain i said this waiting is like staring at the sky searching for signs of the coming storm we know it s on it s way we know it s coming but no one knows when we ve written the obituary the eulogy is on its way the little thank you cards for thinking of us have been ordered the casket the papers signed we ve even discussed what we ll wear and whether dad will be naked with a simple wrap or whether he ll wear his favorite sweatshirt stained and well loved as it is this waiting it s not that we re in a rush no we love holding his warm hand the squeeze of it his strength in the face of death it s a joy to be able to walk into his room every morning and chirp hi dad simply because you can lucky you but the waiting is strange all of us especially dad packing the bags for a journey we know he ll take but we don t know when posted by dweezila at 7 37 am 8 comments tuesday april 07 2009 patch of earth he always said he wanted to be cremated never was sentimental or romantic about the big burial but then a couple of weeks ago my mom turned to him and said i want to be buried next to you do you want to be buried next to me and he turned to her and smiled and nodded yes i wish i could convey the importance of this simple exchange these plans made around a patch of earth mostly it s about how my parent s love has caught fire in the last 6 months since my dad has been sick it s the way he asks where she is when she s out of the room it s how he opens his eyes when he hears her voice how he reaches out to her when she comes around to his side of the bed it s the way today when the six of us were gathered around that bed talking to my father about whether he thought he could handle one more hit of chemo or whether he was ready to let go it was the way he turned to my mother and they just looked at each other for the longest time posted by dweezila at 9 15 am 4 comments rain i don t think we want it to rain though the weather is changing down here in l a the skies while still blue have patches of white and gray as well it s not just the sunday hunt for the little kids that might be spoiled their disappointment for having to do it inside the house but it s my dad and everything that has already fallen around here it s how he s stopped speaking to us because it s too much work because it only comes out in a whisper because there s nothing more to say are you in pain we ask on a scale of 1 10 is it a 5 we ll prod are you hungry dad should we turn on the ball game listen to some music they say that the dying begin a retreat from everything that is life what s the point they think they won t be a part of it anyway rain rain go away come again another day posted by dweezila at 7 56 am 7 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom statcounter my blog list followers blog archive 2009 8 october 4 dream go dodgers the ring girl s dream july 1 april 3 2008 4 december 1 may 2 february 1 2007 15 november 2 october 3 august 1 july 2 june 4 may 1 february 1 january 1 2006 19 december 3 november 3 october 2 september 1 june 2 may 2 march 2 february 1 january 3 2005 27 december 1 november 3 september 2 august 2 july 3 june 2 may 6 april 8 about me dweezila view my complete profile