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om buddhism is that life is suffering i believe strongly that mindfulness and accessing the present moment through breathing and meditation will be a useful tool for my children to navigate their lives i don t know yet how i define a successful life i don t know at 11 57 am 4 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 8 26 18 get your act together how i avoid the abyss the most common observation i received this summer was you have a lot on your plate and i don t know how you do it what fly with five children by myself got it get everybody everywhere trying turn my van into a home on wheels worked run a summer camp yes backpacking with toddlers sure five kids at a theme park let s do it these things aren t easy but we are doing them regardless and i m still standing yes i have a lot of stressors we all do my chemical makeup includes a hefty helping of rage brought on by lack of sleep pair that with heavy responsibility and non stop chaos and you ve got a recipe for short circuiting does everything about this make me look crazy i have a lot of things i m apparently still though pushing 40 with a short stick i m learning how to manage my particular stressors are managing five children by mostly myself without support in any form from one ex father which lends itself to unstable or dependent finances which leads to feeling either like a burden on sponsors or a less capable single mother who hasn t effectively picked up the pieces and found a good way to support my own family which lowers confidence in that area and harbors major resentments and feelings of less than or special case status oh and occasional chemical imbalances those are the underlying stressors here are the regular ones we all may experience toddlers challenging intimate relationships challenging interfaces with friends ex s boyfriends worrying about screwing up my kids complicated feelings about religion an 11 year old girl ch ch ch changing two boys with underlying father issues and trump i m sure your list if you itemized it is just as long my list of blessings is much longer than my list of stressors i am blessed beyond measure but right now i am learning to manage my stressors speaking from the position of someone who has been in and out of therapy since my twenties to deal with these issues and someone raised with an excellent parentage and family and incredible higher education and all the privileges afforded me as a white female and someone given all the life tools inherent in religion i still felt like i was barely scraping by for years regardless of your background do you feel the same way life is hard and it seems so much easier for everybody else i needed something more often crisis or mental illness or divorce or major change can be a precursor to a new kind of perspective particularly if you ve been in a position of privilege and none of those things seem to work for you you start to question well what is it then this game that i m playing why is it that i was so willing to ascribe to this belief system the tools i was given aren t resulting in a managed life i needed more help and so i started on a quest for peace with the aid of hush who remarkably aspires to personal betterment daily i began a managing life pathway obviously i am far far from effectively using these tools all the time i fail constantly i am frequently tempted to scream in people s faces and then burst into tears but putting energy into educating myself on the following path has kept me from the abyss i am of the mind that self help books are lame perhaps this list will seem to you self help new age garbage i hate the book covers and the music but i believe they are packaged that way because mindfulness doesn t have its own section at the nearly extinct barnes and noble i ve made a public amazon list with texts i ve found useful i typically listen to these books and my children do too by default more on the effects on my children later hold judgment until you read some of these books they re about leveling up and figuring out the path to peace if the abyss of fear rage and despair is threatening to consume start here 1 my first step on this path was finding michael singer s book the untethered soul this book is a breath of fresh air i wish it was the first book i d read so that my paradigm for interpreting the world right or wrong good and bad was filtered through this first the great majority of us are raised in particular worldviews that effect every single choice we make and how we value ourselves in relationship to that worldview such an external barometer can make us feel alternatively successful and like complete failures we inherit the program that works for our progenitors and if employed can lead to peace and success i laud those who find that their initial programmed worldview is the right and true one requiring no major supplements but when life goes off script sometimes you need a bit of extra perspective enter untethered soul this book is not contrary to any religion it is a tutorial on how to view your relationship with the ego and the self religion and relationships can be hard on egos and the self this helped me a ton but it is just the entry point the video below is the author michael singer talking to oprah there are some versions of the audiobook on youtube but the audible version or a hardcopy i think are preferable 2 having let that book simmer i then was passed thich nhat hanh s seminal text peace is every step pronounced teek not han why isn t this part of standardized education this book functions more like a manual hanh is a vietnamese buddhist monk whose voice lead the counter movement to the silly vietnam war it functions for me as a fear rage despair neutralizer it teaches the tools of meditation and mindfulness i d put hanh up there as one of the leaders of the mindfulness movement that i m sure you ve heard about of course i was taught through our cultural milieu to degrade these types of practices meditation mindfulness recentering the chi as new age bullshit in reality they are both supplemental and foundational to discovering how to find peace and how to use the breath to fill that hole inside us the void of which we typically fill with social media texting tv books anything external so that we don t have to be by ourselves doing nothing when was the last time you did absolutely nothing but breathe can you even do that absent of thought for more than 10 seconds peace is every step was my intro to hanh but as i ve continued my study i discovered true love a practice for awakening the heart i suggest starting with true love by thich nhat hanh because it is simple starts quickly easily applicable and profound start at 14 35 after the intro https www amazon com true love practice awakening heart dp 159030404 3 which leads me to the calm app i believe in guided meditation because the research behind it shows mindfulness meditation switches your brain from one part to another scientific studies show that as the popularity of mindfulness grows brain imaging techniques are revealing that this ancient practice can profoundly change the way different regions of the brain communicate with each other and therefore how we think permanently i use mindfulness in the classroom when i m teaching i consider the 5 10 minutes of breathing meditation to be necessary to transition i was teaching middle schoolers from the outside world to the academic environment i use this app to meditate every day i do the breathing exercises and put in the ten minutes of trying to completely clear my brain of thoughts download the calm app more on how this app has changed my family dynamic in a later post 4 i d dipped my toes in buddhist meditation practice with thich nhat hanh then i leveled up eckert tolle s a new earth was the next mind blowing text that fell into my head at first everything about this book irritated me his voice is weird it s dense shit it seemed more theoretical than practical but i pushed onward and i am so glad that i did eckert tolle was a regular dude who at one point decided life was pointless and he felt so ambivalent about it he planned to kill himself ever hit that depth i have caused by chemicals or life overwhelming i have touched that darkness and btw if you do too and we know each other even vaguely hit me up shame and fear free i have been there anyway tolle s touching that depth led him on a journey from which we can all benefit deeply his analysis of the world as it is rings deeply truthful and his solution to the darkness is profound spoiler as with all the other books the solution is going inward to find peace 5 having delved deeply into these texts i went looking for other people who had experienced them too here is where i found one of my favorite gurus russell brand brand a recovering addict traveled with his addictions to great heights of money and fame but it didn t work you know what i mean your life is a success by all accounts and yet still inside you there is that hole of fear anger or despair contentment is fleeting brand s work starts at the angle of rethinking addiction and the war on drugs from which point he found all of these building blocks to filling the void within he s a madman still and he is doing the good work he s the guy making sense of this post truth world i highly recommend his book recovery cheers to him for creating a universal program through which we all can manage our negative impulses to shout shop text eat check our phones at stoplights scroll mindlessly take our adderal opiates and ambien all of it spoiler peace is within if you have five minutes watch this video of brand on his youtube channel the trews analyzing the emergent awareness of kanye west also i am mildly in love with russell brand and could listen to him all day long remarkable human 6 my mind was next blown by joseph campbell i am still caught up in the brilliance of this guy s work though dead in 1987 thanks to the hippie for this intro as i traveled reluctantly into the post mormon world i became fearful that i would alienate my family i did not want to do that i love and respect my family i did not want to find myself permanently on the outside looking in at the church and it s influence on my family s culture it hurt my dear friends and i and apparently a giant movement of members who learn something that seriously rocks their faith have been struggling and hurting we want the church and our families and we need to find a way to make peace with it we want to be with our community but going back would require a completely different mental approach i think joseph campbell might be the door back in i m not sure yet i m currently making my way through his series of interviews with bill moyer which were aired in the mid 1980 s and are now available on netflix his life work has been dedicated to figuring out how cultures around the world understand god i trust his guile free searching sincere inclusive research and conclusions as far as i can tell this far he knows where nirvana and the kingdom of god is and his conclusions might be the key to reconciliation between mindfulness mormonism god buddhism gaia and inner peace i ve been moderately absent from blogging because of my chaos and confusion and because of the void i felt sad and stupid that i couldn t keep up with my family in so many ways i was ashamed to look outside of my religion for a more helpful way but my life is different because i guess i am a little bit different what had happened in your life by the time you were mid thirties did anything force you to deep vulnerability to write about ones life requires a great deal of vulnerability and exposure and i would be remiss if i didn t mention brene brown here i have shared my journey and made myself vulnerable to you my readers my friends my family in order to share what light and goodness i can find hoping it might light another s path or keep them from despair i do not deign to think my pathway is better than yours nor that i am in any way superior or wiser my life experience however has forced me to find some extra tools to manage the really hard parts i am so very grateful for the people who have offered guidance help support understanding patience love and forgiveness along the way i ve been on a journey of for lack of a better phrase educated enlightenment and emerged just as flawed on the other side but now buoyed up with tools that work to keep the wolves at bay i am trying and often failing to employ them i want you to have those tools too if you want them at 8 47 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 4 28 18 all about that acroyoga my fam has always been doing acroyoga we just didn t know it one of the ways i bond and play with my children is getting down on the floor and letting them crawl all over me i m an active mother and i like to do jobs so i often feel too busy to play i get them on an activity so i can get a few things done while they re occupied to counteract that we established wrestle night sometimes we wrestle but most times we dance or give airplane rides and do leg wrestling when the eldest was about three i invented whaf basically amounted to a mama amusement park where they d put money in my mouth and i d prop them up on my hands or legs and give them rides we recently hit my dear friend ali sumison to snap some shots of us tossing each other around only recently did i discover a community of adults playing and exercising in this way acroyoga they bumped my glorified airplane rides up to what basically amounted to art the poses are beautifully artfully balanced often they are temporary a few seconds of perfect graceful prettiness flanked by motion and chaos i began to look at the partner yoga poses as temporarily physical art installations doing them takes planning and communication and trial and error they take strength and endurance they re hard but they re fun they re beautiful but they often collapse in pain and giggles and for me they feel a lot like my family we are all of those things we are a team we re messy and beautiful we get through pain we try new things we have moments of perfection we are creative and we are physical our life as a family is our finest work of art temporary beautiful moments supporting each other i think we ve found our medium at 5 25 pm 11 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 2 15 18 mimi s ksl studio 5 feature last fall mimi was featured on the ksl morning show studio 5 for her cooking hobby and i neglected to post it here s the video of my capable pretty girl http studio5 ksl com index php nid 71 sid 45586656 http studio5 ksl com index php nid 71 sid 45586656 mimi and i went with our girl scout troop to tour the local news and radio station during the spring while there we were invited into the studio where the morning show is filmed there s an ent...