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tertainment is truly positive heartwarming and provides harmonious good feeling laminah added that hapee is an improved version of the censorship policy it replaces both in spirit and in the tools used the censorship regulation used previously only covered certain aspects of entertainment and applied varying standards for different products as a result we saw many cases of inconsistencies some movies ended up showing too much negativity while some others got butchered unnecessarily and we also saw different treatments received by tv shows movies concerts and such thanks to different entities handling each product hapee happily takes over the role for all creative entertainment and edu tainment products and as for tools we are also a lot more creative in protecting the eyes and ears of the malaysian audience added laminah thanks to a robust new technology developed in house we no longer have to rely only on cutting blurring or pixellating sexy scenes and bleeping curse words we can now replace offensive elements with wholesome family friendly ones automatically and even rewrite the storyline to be more healthy she said before demonstrating the new always smiling go zilla trudging around new york while meowing and purring like a kitten spreading love and well wishes all around laminah also stated that godzilla was the perfect movie to be the pioneer hapee certified product first of all we replace the first syllable with go because as you know the word is a sensitive one in malaysia to remove any possibility of anyone being confused between a giant reptile and a religious term we decided that it was better to change it altogether and what better way than to change it to such a positive forward thinking and innovative word such as go always moving always improving we ve also made sure that upon watching this film the audience will feel nothing but happiness joy and benign sentiments even the soundtrack has been automatically edited the fear and suspense inducing parts have been replaced with tunes from popular children s nursery rhymes adding that the incy wincy spider song was her personal favourite in the end no city gets destroyed nobody dies no fear is felt and absolutely no guns were fired nay even appears in go zilla everyone lives happily ever after laminah said that the hapee committee is already in the process of editing a few films tv shows and performances slotted to be released in the coming weeks and months the x men days of future past will have all its negativity removed and edited we find that x has negative connotations implying a no so we re changing that to a yes and since our committee finds days of future past is rather confusing we re editing that too she said proudly adding that thanks to the hapee committee s efficiency and technology yes men yesterday today tomorrow will open in theatres as scheduled on may 22 so without spoiling the plot i say do look forward to a positive happy conflict less non mutated character filled tale of love and remembrance of history and while we re talking about history hapee will also revisit all the creative works already available in malaysia including those targeted to children added laminah has anyone realised how violent children s fairy tales and nursery rhymes are in almost every one somebody gets injured maimed or brutally killed hansel gretel death and cannibalism jack jill horrific and bloody accident while climbing up the hill humpty dumpty broken limbs and certain death after falling off a wall what insanity is all this i suppose they are a reflection of the sad angry old war mongering days of our feudal ancestors so we ll clean them all up and positivise everything 4 comments filed under humour lifestyle showbiz tagged as go zilla godzilla hapee humour parody satire may 8 2014 12 48 pm selangor denies water has heavy metals only pop rock r b shah alam the selangor state government has slammed a news report by the new straits times yesterday which claimed that water from unused mining pools being channeled into the state s water supply contained unsafe levels of toxic heavy metals loud liquid selangor has denied the presence of heavy metals in its water supply according to the front page report by the nst an independent analysis of water samples taken from these mining ponds showed high content of hard metal which it stated was above safe limits and hazardous to health in a press conference here today state youth sports infrastructure and public amenities committee chairman dr ahmad yunus hairi said the daily s allegation was incorrect as tests done by the selangor water management board luas showed no traces of heavy metals but instead only had pleasant levels of pop rock rhythm blues and hints of reggae we vehemently dispute nst s erroneous report of the presence of heavy metals or any other types of corrosive music genres in our water supply said dr ahmad furiously we are here to deny their claim of traces of slayer black sabbath motorhead and megadeth in the water we find it laughable and irresponsible do they even know what heavy metal sounds like dr ahmad said that repeated tests done by independent water experts and music producers commissioned by luas have confirmed that water from the unused mining pools being pumped into sungai selangor only contained music genres safe for families tell me something would you consider pixie lott songs heavy metal or one direction our comprehensive tests involving over 200 samples taken at different times of day locations and depths have only uncovered music that are too safe even to get pg 13 rating he said as luas director tuan md khairi selamat nodded in agreement if these so called investigative journalists and editors are nst feel that taylor swift or john legend is hard metal and dangerous for consumers then i don t know what else to say hardly heavy dr ahmad left and tuan md khairi showing the test results done by luas luas together with the selangor state health department have been conducting sampling on all alternative water sources since 2011 said khairi analysis on alternative water samples was conducted by the malaysian chemistry department and jabatan kebudayaan selangor and we found the water in the mining pools to be safe for consumption after giving an impromptu humming performance of john legend s all of me dr ahmad said that other than pop rock and r b negligible traces of reggae had been found but it was not a cause for concern yes i do agree that reggae is often associated with the use of weed but science has never proven that there is a direct correlation between the music genre and the consumption of the narcotic he said pointing to a chart showing a small picture of bob marley besides without alluding to any opinions whether my own or that of the state government limited legalised use of marijuana is being experimented in parts of the us and europe so i wouldn t say that science has conclusively found the plant dangerous to health so we hereby challenge our critics especially the new straits times to prove us wrong he said we re giving them 48 hours to bring us the evidence or make a formal apology and correction in fact let s do a music showdown we ll bring our music experts from our jabatan kebudayaan and you bring your entertainment editors and music critics we ll see who s right and who ll drink the humble water 1 comment filed under humour national news science technology tagged as heavy metals joke luas parody pop rock r b satire selangor untrue water may 1 2014 12 54 pm lazy ass parasite reprimanded by mom for celebrating labour day ipoh perak area man kudin bin kulopdin 33 was severely reprimanded by his mother today for celebrating labour day despite not doing anything remotely productive his entire life and feeding off other people to sustain his being despite being of sound mind and having perfect health as well as fully functioning limbs speaking from her home joyah binti manjamon 55 said that she felt thoroughly offended when her only child who s lived at her home since birth casually wished her happy labour day at the breakfast table while pouring milk over his bowl of choco pops i suddenly felt a sharp pain at the bottom of my gut and a burst of rage in my chest when he uttered those words said joyah who works two jobs supporting herself and her useless piece of oxygen sucking fat meatbag also known as her son i mean for 33 long years kudin s only participation in any form of labour has been his own birth he hardly deserves to even utter any celebratory wish during labour day a sacred holiday to honour those who actually work to make a living the child man still thinks showering is hard work hard at work kudin filling his time productively joyah pointed to the pile of comic books and boxes of bootleg playstation games strewn around kudin s room and said this is kudin s contribution to the family and to the world taking my hard earned money and spending it on the nation s economy via comic books video games branded clothings and fast food he eats so much fast food i think he bleeds tomato sauce thank goodness he inherited my ex husband s skinny genes or else i ve got to also worry about his weight issues joyah said that she blamed the man boy s father for turning him into such a lazy entitled slob we had issues conceiving so when we got him his father used to pamper him like a golden child giving him anything he asked for and doing virtually everything for him joyah reminisced painfully the old man used to tell me to wash the boy s school shoes do his homework and clean up after him all the way through high school i was still spoonfeeding him lunch when he was 15 a few years ago his father even gave him a supplementary credit card even though i tried to stop him of course he max ed it out in a couple of weeks by the time his father realised his error the damage was done and the old prick skipped town leaving me to deal with this piece of crap of a human being who seems to be allergic to any form of physical activity other than those that please him the other day i told him to take out the garbage as i was leaving for work and when i got back i found the trashcan covered with a blanket serves me right for saying i don t want to see this garbage bag here when i get back kudin defending his actions or his in actions said that he merely is a product of his environment and upbringing in the argument between nature versus nurture i m a proponent of the latter he said sifting through the large pile of clothes a mixture of dirty laundry and freshly clean ones for his favourite spongebob t shirt you could say that i m like this by choice but i can tell you that i m a victim of my circumstances i m simply unable to be an active participant in society or be gainfully employed because i was conditioned to be so said kudin adding that he believes it to be a medical condition but was too lazy to google any sort of scientific evidence to back his opinion he also said that his laziness has its plus points you might say i m a burden to my mom and the country and that s a bad thing but i beg to differ he iterates while checking his teeth in the mirror to see if he needed to brush them today imagine my mom s day without me around to give her purpose she d be bored and sad i fill that vacuum in her heart and give her things to do to fill up her days and as for the country what would our welfare industry and social sector be without me providing the need to fill and me not having a job only means some other people can take that job am i not being self sacrificing here adding that his happy labour day wish to his mom was sincere and felt slighted that it was misinterpreted joyah admitted that she has been considering kicking the parasite out of the house or other options of liberating herself from her spawn frankly i don t know how long i can do this i do love him despite him being less useful than a lump of cowdung but i ve got my limits and at 55 i still have a chance to enjoy myself traveling the world and discovering new things i ve been thinking of selling him on e bay but i ve been told you can t do that so see lah how 1 comment filed under humour national news tagged as labor day labour day lazy ass parody useless parasite april 28 2014 5 18 pm obama temporarily barred from air force one due to durian breath kuala lumpur us president barack obama on route to the philippines after completing a 3 day visit to malaysia was denied entry into the presidential plane air force one by the secret service after his durian tainted breath triggered the aircraft s hazardous gas sensors mr obama who had just enjoyed a large serving of the thorny fruit known for its pungent strong smell yet delicious taste was stopped by his own security personnel at the aircraft door and asked to return to his armoured limousine and taken to a nearby airport vip lounge where he could decontaminate his mouth a secret service spokeswoman said that this drastic measure was unusual but needed to be taken for the safety of the entire plane as the asian fruit s overwhelming smell quoted by some as reeking of garbage stink could overcome the other personnel and endanger the flight strong stomach obama being escorted away from air force one we are truly sorry to do this to the commander in chief but we have strict rules about toxic smells on our flights said the spokesperson who declined to be named our job is to ensure the security of the president but if he poses a danger to himself by consuming such thing we have to make a stand we can t have our pilots or other staff suffocating just because mr obama says hi to them unleashing the smell of hell unto them heck i don t think even our delicate electronic instruments could withstand such a rancid scent a couple of his security details had to be taken to the emergency room just now when he flashed his grin at the crowd before we left the hotel she said so unless potus is willing to spend the entire flight to manila wearing a biohazard suit we simply cannot allow him on the plane no way not for everyone the musang king durian met at the lounge mr obama said that he could not resist having a go at the durians he saw by the side of the road as his entourage drove by as it brought back happy memories of his growing up years in indonesia i was just enjoying the ride skyping to michelle and the kids when i saw it a huge beautiful pile of musang king durian being sold by an old chinese fellow said obama in between chewing spearmint gum and gargling listerine vigorously suddenly my head was filled with all those sweet times i spent with my buddies in my mom s village just outside jakarta in 1967 jumping into rivers buck naked and picking fresh mangoes and rambutans at farmer wak djomo s orchard his durians were just divine golly i love malaysia i m sorry if i caused a few hours of delay but look i m the chief i just had to get me some the entourage made the impromptu pit stop where...