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sues this leads directly to a generalised habit of not concentrating even during concerts choir singing is all about precision several of our band haven t even managed to grasp singing a note until its end or ceasing to sing when the conductor gesticulates to request this things i learned in my school choir at age nine the that ll do culture pervades everything just look around our small town and everything is done on the cheap houses remain unfinished or at least unpainted the roads potholed and abandoned everything is grubby and untended and slapdash rather than seek excellence it seems people have caught the whiff of a barbecue halfway through a task no matter how important and said i m feeling peckish kleverson lad that ll do labels mercedes benz what shall we do with the drunken sailor yodelling posted by m c ward 19 25 10 comments friday 25 february 2011 can t we just talk yesterday i was just tucking into my jugged hare when the doorbell rang my father in law answered it to a lady returning to inform me that it was me to whom she would like to address an enquiry unaccustomed to lady callers i descended to the gate and held a barely audible shouted conversation with my suitor above the rabid barking of my hound is it you that gives the english lessons she enquired not any more i m afraid i snapped snorting involuntarily i work with translation now and i don t have time to give lessons she appeared to crumple physically i can t believe it she whined a friend of mine called you a while ago and you told her you weren t giving lessons any more she went on this revelation begging the question as to why she thought i d make some kind of inconsistent exception for her it s for my 16 year old son not even conversation ah yes conversation classes the linguistic equivalent of watching a student give birth for some reason people assume conversation classes which are more often than not nothing of the sort are something you just do at a minute s notice some kind of free and easy 1960s students and teachers heavily relating to each other sort of vibe little do they realise most students abject inability to hold any kind of conversation that would be generally accepted as intelligible meaning that good old teach has to prepare wads of material and assorted bumpf to fill the awkward silences i still awake at night with sweats brought on by nightmares involving running out of material absurdly early in a class my last teaching job at a business english oriented school involved giving lessons to a particularly limited individual who was invariably the only member of the class to show up meaning i was forced into giving him one to one classes of the hour long class he probably communicated for at most 15 minutes which to be honest was quite enough oddly though i detected no stammer when he spoke portuguese when he attempted to express his inner feelings in english he d suddenly get stuck on a word repeating part of it half a dozen times while cocking his head at an awkward angle and looking heavenwards as if he were looking up a chimney or perhaps had just sat on something unexpectedly sharp i would just sit there and look evenly at him stifling the urge to scream encouragement anyway this lady was particularly persistent i suggested my friend bert who has a school and speaks impeccable english and in the next few months she pressed any likelihood of you having more time available here is what i would have liked to have replied madam i note that you have not yet grasped the depth of my loathing for teaching english so allow me to spell it out to you when i was young and carefree i used to work in a school in bournemouth and i used to have a recurring daydream in it i would give the class an exercise to do and while they were quietly beavering away i d symbolically empty my pockets of board pens elastic bands paperclips the paraphernalia of my craft and i would silently leave the room softly ever so softly i d tiptoe down the stairs past reception and out of the front door turning right i d walk along the road down the hill across the square and into the lower gardens dappled with the early afternoon sun and alive with colour and life in a manner my tefl classes never were strolling on until i reached the end of the pier i was never sure if when i got there i d actually end up jumping in or not or whether i d just stand there and whisper incantations to the deep and urge the seabirds on in their anarchic arcs and dives i only knew that from there i would be able to see the horizon and i would be free so in answer to your question no i don t foresee being available any time soon good day to you madam have you ever had daydreams in class nothing lewd please control yourselves have you ever jumped off a pier i believe it s called tombstoning what paraphernalia do you use in class apart from that listed above labels daydreams mary shelley stag night hen do victorian piers posted by m c ward 19 09 2 comments wednesday 16 february 2011 somerset maugham and facebook i remember reading a somerset maugham short story once in which the writer moves into a house where he is told one of his neighbours is a poet interested to meet the bard in question maugham decides to pay him a visit when the gentleman opens the door maugham is immediately impressed by his physical appearance and goes on to describe his keen eyes noble face generally he is exactly what he expects a poet to look like the twist in the story being that he s actually called at the wrong house and is describing the wrong man i was reminded of this story after a particularly vivid dream which i won t recount in full out of pure compassion i don t know how freud did it listening to all those people s dreams to me it s the most boring thing anyone can do start to recall dreams to you it s just a load of mumbo jumbo i was in this dark place which was like my grandmother s coal cellar but it wasn t and there was this huge carrot blah blah blah utter nonsense but this dream of mine was different it really left a mark on me i was at an airport and had seen an american student i d studied with in italy about 20 years ago she was there with her italian husband who was her then boyfriend and several children they hadn t seen me but i was truly delighted to clap eyes on them i awoke with a strong feeling of wanting nay needing to get in touch with her but i knew not how i trawled the internet to no avail i searched facebook for every possible combination of her name but without success then more recently i had another dream about her and was left with the same nagging desire for contact this time facebook came up trumps she was not only there under her maiden name but she was first on the list the photo was unmistakable the brief info i gleaned through her lax privacy settings gave me all the confirmation i needed living in a small calabrian village several kids owner of an english school oh the irony without wishing to be pushy and go straight for a friend request i sent her what i thought was a suitably cool honed message eager to re establish contact and see just what my dream was telling me to date she has not replied i realise now i should have included a disclaimer please note that i am no longer the person i was i have got a handle on my drinking i live on a different continent from you i no longer write poetry update i ve just realised that i sent the message on 14 february valentine s day which was probably an error as it may have insinuated i now wear thick glasses and have been harbouring an unspoken stalker style 20 year crush timing is everything another update she once told me she dropped tabs of lsd on a fairly regular basis so quite apart from the detrimental effects on her long term memory she may have had trouble smelling my name or summat labels calabria dreaming facebook james randi maugham posted by m c ward 12 51 3 comments sunday 19 december 2010 gordon s alive keen eyed readers who popped by in around june may remember a garbled message i posted and swiftly deleted relating to some fairly major legal difficulties i was facing which thankfully turned out to be utterly baseless without wishing to go into the morbid details suffice it to say that our attempts to adopt a young waif led to a rumour circulating in the region that there was a german child trafficker at large and i m still not sure which part of that double insult riled me more i am delighted to say i have been fully cleared of all suspicions with my moral integrity and island heritage more or less intact what it has provided me with is yet another demonstration of the depth of the other planetary madness by which this country operates where criminals and clowns in the literal sense of the word are routinely elected to public office and people hoping to adopt an abandoned child are criminalised and people wonder why brazil s attempts to secure a permanent seat on the un security council have come to naught as the battled hardened troops fresh from peacekeeping in haiti rumble into the morro do alemão in rio the drug traffickers having already left via the sewage system so i m gingerly dipping my toes back into the blogalaxy fresh from a bout of chickenpox that has left my rugged features slightly more bullet ridden and interesting more soon labels barbecue bores catapora tarby posted by m c ward 18 41 8 comments monday 26 april 2010 no more a cussin in an effort to rid himself of the habit of using foul language at the slightest provocation a facebook chum recently asked for suggestions for harmless expressions he could use in front of his gran and her bingo clique during moments of high stress astonishment and or extreme disappointment i weighed in with crikey and great scott please feel free to add your suggestions and help to make the world a tiny bit less like a trucker s stopover in eindhoven labels basil rathbone puta merda swearing the dutch posted by m c ward 14 06 12 comments monday 29 march 2010 dog s breakfasts last week was a strange old week on several fronts firstly i managed to bugger up a translation test for a potential client the second time this has happened recently as soon as i see the word test my brain seems to freeze and i lose all discernment i commence mentally hemming and hawing about what to change and what to leave in often ending up with a text full of awkward phrases that look like one of my english students wrote them actually that is a gross exaggeration but there s a sniff of truth to it it s significant that my two main clients never asked me to do a test they just started sending me projects straight off the bat and i ve never looked back place the word test in the mix and i become a gibbering bell end i d therefore ask anybody who wants me to translate anything never to mention the t word lest my fevered brain goes all chernobyl on me again in other developments after six years of largely peaceful coexistence with the town s hundreds strong mendicant community my mutt moby finally came up against some quality opposition last tuesday and came out of it with his pride and luckily only his pride somewhat battered by the time i saw his assailant it was already too late a large grey hound note the space he had that look in his eye characteristic of a drunken millwall supporter on his way to upton park indeed i m sure he can probably howl along to no one likes us we don t care and answers to the name bushwacker my first instinct was to turn round and run away shrieking for help but the area was crowded and i can do without some kind of homage to my valour in battle being posted on youtube by some baseball capped iphone user despite having identified 203 vagrant canines on my customary daily route this specimen i had never come across before after some tense sniffing things began to kick off in spectacular fashion i tried vainly to drag moby away but before i knew it he was upside down with jaws firmly clamped around his neck squealing just like i d been planning to i had visions of him losing a chunk of his neck such was the distress he was in but then one of those bizarre moments that only happen in brazil occurred a large 4x4 drew up and a portly fellow leapt out and after a split second analysis he wordlessly stole up on moby s attacker from behind and caught him by the tail i was hopping around unhelpfully at this point aiming half hearted kicks at the brute keen in doing so not to lose a limb below the knee then with a look as surprised as mine the dangerous dog let go of moby s throat and i was able to drag him out of harm s way or so i thought being a little too english i stopped to thank the good samaritan which only gave the enemy time to regroup and before i knew it moby was in his sights once again on the advice of one of the quite substantial group that had gathered by dint of the commotion we must have been at least 20 handed by then i released moby s lead and encouraged him to run like buggery but the fool looked dolefully at me before launching into a braying scream the likes of which i ve never heard before from any living creature as fangs clenched once again around a chunk of his rump three or four of us tried to release him once again only for 4x4 man to calmly stroll over take his position on the tail again and coax the beast into submission as gracefully as before this time i snapped moby s lead back on and headed for a side street before things turned ugly again you know what i did the have a go hero confided as he hopped back into his vehicle appearing genuinely thrilled with his improvisation i scrunched his pods in my fist he chuckled explaining the dog s wide eyed alarm and bringing tears to my eyes you had more balls than me i wanted to quip but that wouldn t have worked in portuguese like many things labels bell ends hooligan firms pod scrunching puppy love posted by m c ward 21 22 4 comments monday 8 march 2010 we re changing the locks doreen whilst they are thankfully rare there are times when students manage to genuinely put the fear of god into us principally out of desperation i recently implemented a new strategy to try to keep my pupils wandering attention away from biggy brother brasil 10 and or carnival themed pornography and firmly fixed on the task at hand which if they haven t already forgotten is learning engleeesh it involves me sending them a text message three times a week with a simple question in english normally with a model reply of my own they then respond presuming they have enough credit which seems to be becoming an issue for at least 50 of the class in reply to my enquiry what did you have for lunch today i received the following i have who meet a beutiful cat uppercase letters his own unable to see an obvious connection and considering correcting him practically impossible i lamely replied good for you imagining that he was translating literally the word gata cat which round these parts may be employed to refer to a f...