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ife leila is a typical girl but she s also a 10 yr old teenager she s so stroppy and ultra sensitive you have to be careful what you say to her at least she s normal i think she s the one who s going to be a regular awkward teenager joseph i believe has add he cannot sit still for one second and he stims all the time he can sit and play minecraft for hours but he doesn t sit still i ve had him assessed by the nurse and he doesn t show any other signs of autism they didn t think he had any problems apart from emotional ones yes he does get picked on by the family and left out a lot by the girls i am constantly reassuring him that he is worthy i am the one that looks out for him the situation reminds me so much of my mum and my younger brother i find myself even saying the same phrases as her this worries me as mum was the only one who ever looked out for my brother and when she died he had no one so he killed himself so now you can see why i m so brave and strong about my illness i don t have time to think about it my family take it all i do honestly believe that my family will kill me one day posted by anne at 11 58 no comments wednesday 5 february 2014 mind reading bus journeys i ve had two surreal experiences while travelling by bus this week the first was on monday when i was on the bus with my eldest now he talks a lot and doesn t listen much we went to liverpool on the train once and he talked the whole way there about the history of china but on monday he was talking about japan he talked a little about he history and the geography and my mind started to wander while i thought about the volcanos and suddenly he joined in as if reading my thoughts and said yes we are lucky we don t have volcanos here ok maybe not so strange as my thoughts were related to the topic he was rambling on about but it was just the way he appeared to answer my thoughts i am sure i didn t think them aloud the second one was today while on the bus with lucy it was getting dark and we d been talking about lights and what the colours of the lights we could see reminded us of in lucy s case it was mostly fruit then we fell silent i started thinking about church for some reason i have been feeling a bit lost lately as we haven t found a new church to attend since moving house and i don t think i will feel as comfortable anywhere as i did in our old church then suddenly lucy said mummy i miss going to church i really liked sunday school i think i might stop going on the bus for a while as my thoughts appear to open for anyone to see posted by anne at 21 55 2 comments friday 17 january 2014 parenting skills a ranty post forgive me i ve not posted since last year but i m starting the new year with a rant the other day i was walking behind a couple with a toddler in tow he climbed up on a little wall two bricks high actually it s the one joe climbs on everytime we pass and on jumping down he twisted his foot and started to howl his mum said serves you right his dad said shut up right now or i ll give you something to cry about the poor lad quietened down to a whimper my blood was boiling the little lad couldn t have been more than three years old doing what a typical child of his age would do it wasn t his fault he got hurt it was an accident he had every right to cry he was hurting i told myself it was none of my business and bit my tongue i wish i hadn t then today i m walking behind a mum with her three kids the mum had really black hair obviously dyed you could see copper highlights the son had brown hair the smallest girl had a mane of glorious copper hair it really was amazing the older girl who looked about eight had bleached blonde hair with copper roots what why bleach your child s hair at such a young age i know ginger headed kids get teased at school but wouldn t it be better to let them deal with it rather than bleach their hair i know i m not the only person who likes ginger hair one of my best friends at school had ginger hair there is nothing wrong with it i don t know why some people hate it so much especially to the extend of dying a young girl s hair just because she s ginger now i know i m not a perfect mum i ve messed up loads over the years but i wouldn t be angry at my child when they are hurt even if it was their own fault i wouldn t bleach my child s hair at such a young age that s like telling them they are not beautiful just as they are if they think their own mum doesn t like the way they look how will they ever cope with what anyone else thinks of them posted by anne at 22 16 no comments labels rant saturday 21 december 2013 a bit of a catch up it s been a while but i have been busy first up big news is lucy we took her for another ct scan and on the basis of her results her physiotherapy was stopped and we were told to leave her collar on all the time this could only mean that she was getting worse we didn t get seen by the consultant though and were left in the dark as to what was going on so i called pals and told them my concerns they finally pushed the consultant into finding a space in his busy day to see us but first we had to take lucy for yet another ct scan after this one she was called in immediately and the consultant said it was time to get her sorted and booked her into the theatre for a manipulation we were told that there would be a possibility of her being fitted with a halo brace this consists of a plastic vest with a sheepskin lining which is bolted on to her body and a carbon ring around her head which is attached by screws into her skull the ring or halo is attached to the vest by metal poles the whole contraption is a form of moveable traction it keeps the neck perfectly straight at all times we were told that the halo was a possibility that is all she came back from theatre wearing a halo she was in hospital for a week and was quite poorly at first i think the anaesthetic made her so sick and sleepy after a couple of days though she was much brighter and even got out of bed by the third day she was walking around and going to the toilet she was amazing really since being home she has coped really well it took some getting used to at first and some sleepless nights but things are relatively normal now in other news we are all settled in the new house now it s really beginning to feel like home it was hard getting used to all the space and i have to admit it s taken me some time to get used to all the cleaning but getting used to it all is what i am doing cassie has a job it s only an apprenticeship but it s with the nhs so fingers crossed there may be a future in it she s certainly putting everything in to it much better than any job or work experience she has had before graham brought a bike which is great because now he can pop to his mum s house at least a couple of times a week without spending any money on bus fare well i guess it s an improvement on 5 times a day i spoke another mum in the playground the other day bearing in mind that i ve only known her a couple of months and she asked where graham was and i said he d gone to his mum s straight away she replied he goes there a lot doesn t he ah nothing changes less than a week to christmas and i m really looking forward to it in our new home i love the fact that we can put the christmas tree up and not have to block any doors off or limit our space what i don t love is not having a fireplace or even a window sill in my living room i have lots of decorations that used to adorn my fireplace and windowsill in my old house it will be lovely having the room to eat our christmas dinner around the dining room table and the kids will be able to play with their toys without us tripping up over them we are having a party the weekend after christmas and i m really looking forward to that i just hope enough people turn up of course this time of year my thoughts turn to my mum and the events leading to her passing on christmas day five years ago i have planned to visit the cemetery on christmas eve as usual and i will light a candle for her on christmas day i can hardly believe it s been five years merry christmas to all my readers xx posted by anne at 19 42 no comments wednesday 6 november 2013 well i did it and i m glad i did i ve just been reading my last post and although moving house was a complete and utter nightmare i m glad i did it now i don t really want to go over it all again but let s just say that whatever could go wrong did go wrong the actual move day was more of a nightmare than i could have ever imagined in fact only now have i stopped having panic attacks in the middle of the night i don t miss my old house at all the memories i made there will always be with me and very occasionally i think i might miss it but i m so much happier here i will admit it still has a feel of being on holiday and that we will be going home again soon but i really don t want to go back my new home is so much bigger and nicer there is no damp or cracks or peeling wallpaper the walls are flat and straight the woodwork is perfect we all have so much more room the area is not too bad all the houses are new and they are still building so it s not like moving somewhere where everyone else has been friends for years i found a school for the kids it s not brilliant and it is obvious that they are trying to build it back up from being really bad but at least they are at the stage where they are saving it rather than just letting it go i remember when lucy started their old school it was in the same position but it is looking pretty good now hopefully this new school with go the same way too the kids are happy there anyway and it s a very small school too so not too harrowing for lucy so here i am now starting a new chapter in my life of course some things never change but i m still living in hope posted by anne at 22 30 no comments friday 13 september 2013 stressed this moving malarky is driving me nuts no wonder it s one of the most stressful things you ever do give me a divorce any day i can handle that i thought things were in place i d found a van to hire and graham said he d asked his uncle to drive it then he calls him and finds out he s lost his driving licence on a bus apparently this happened a while ago so graham obviously hadn t asked him about driving our van he d just assumed he would so now we need a van driver also when we first heard about the house we applied for a budgeting loan to help with the cost of moving after a month we hadn t heard anything so i got on to g to phone them it took four days of nagging i couldn t call it has to be in his name then he called and found out they hadn t received the application so we applied again and still we haven t heard and every day this week i ve asked him to call and he still hasn t so now we don t have any money to help us out it s ok he said i ve asked my dad to lend us some and he said he d bring it down tomorrow then his dad phoned and gray asked about the money and they ended up arguing obviously the asked my dad and it s all sorted was all bull shit too i don t know if it s the stress the thought of getting everything ready for the move or finding a driver and money with only a few days to spare but tonight i feel as though i ve had enough i don t want to move anymore i feel safe here i know everyone here i don t want to move to an area i don t know and live among strangers i don t want to start all over again i want to be safe and comfortable now i know exactly how cassie feels because she doesn t want to move either the people around here know craige and are used to him how will strangers react what if he gets bullied or threatened how will lucy and leila cope with new schools will i ever find them a school even joseph is scaring me he gets more like lucy and craige every day we are safe here we have friends people who know us who are kind to us i m so scared who needs a big new house i can stay here i would stay here in just one room rather than face the unknown can i change my mind posted by anne at 22 43 no comments sunday 8 september 2013 well it s september already we had our break in blackpool it would have been better had lucy been better we had to give the pleasure beach a miss which upset gray we also had a couple of meltdowns off lucy due to her not feeling good and not coping well with the journey the journey home was a nightmare we couldn t get seats together and i had a migraine at least the kids were well behaved so lucy is still in her collar and has shown no improvement at all it s been five weeks now still early days i suppose we were given a different collar with the promise that it would correct the position of her neck it doesn t she just flops out of it and is in so much pain when she puts it on we are still doing physio five times every day yesterday i was cooking dinner and gray had taken the kids to his mum s house two doors away i heard lucy scream and start crying and i was out of the house and over the gardens yes i didn t realise i could jump those fences either and happy to find out that she d just been smashed on the back of the head with a spoon by the little monster i know she was hurting and all i could think of was thank goodness nothing happened to her neck once i d calmed her down gray and his mum wandered out of her house wondering why i was in the garden so that s how they look after my children when they go around there they hadn t heard her screams yet i had two doors away in my kitchen with the radio and the washing machine on lucy was ok that s the main thing we ve been to see our new house and it s lovely cassie is in a bit of a flap about moving she s lived her all her life i thought craige would be too but he s taking it in his stride in fact he s almost finished packing up his bedroom ready to go we move in on 16th september the stress is getting to me already but i really can t wait posted by anne at 16 43 no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom blog archive blog archive september 1 february 1 january 1 december 1 november 1 september 2 august 4 july 2 june 3 may 2 april 4 march 3 february 1 january 5 december 2 november 2 october 4 september 3 august 4 july 5 june 5 may 2 april 4 march 4 february 7 january 7 december 2 november 3 october 3 september 4 august 5 july 6 june 3 may 3 april 4 march 3 february 3 january 2 december 4 november 2 october 1 september 3 july 5 june 5 may 3 april 4 march 7 february 5 january 4 december 7 november 4 october 6 september 5 august 3 july 4 june 7 may 7 april 8 march 12 february 7 january 17 december 24 november 7 october 6 september 13 august 3 search this blog okesanne how did i come by okesanne okasan japanese for mother anne my name or at least some of it bit of a merge and viola welcome to my blog i ve been blogging now since 2008 got totally hooked by blogging for therapy when my mum died of cancer on christmas day 08 after being diagnosed only two weeks before and my brothers suicide a week l...