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Text of the page (random words):
r 5 000 feet for nearly two weeks we slept at denver area elevations just over a mile where we were for eight long nights waiting for our stuff to arrive we did everything right when it comes to handling elevation acclimation my husband has been mostly fine except for the first day when he inisisted we come right to the house from omaha which is all of maybe 700 ft above sea level then he felt it rather severely i was feeling it too but honestly he was worse off than i was and because of my obsession with mountains and mountaineers i knew to get back down to denver elevations asap and thankfully he listened at any rate my breathing has been okay except for on the stairs where it s somewhat worse than it was in nyc the first few days were especially rough and i m still no fan of those stairs so this sudden onset of shortness of breath that didn t feel like an asthma issue and didn t respond to my inhaler had me worried i called my doctor back she said to go to the er i was stunned and couldn t believe that was necessary so i got in to see a local doctor well she was afraid of a blood clot that had migrated to the lungs so off to the er we went now mind you we re still learning the area who d have known for example that our closest hospital would be a 40 minute drive we had the dog with us with his separation issues the fact that the house hasn t been organized yet and he hasn t spent even a minute alone here meant we had little choice i told my husband it would be hours and that he should go back home he refused wanting to be near me even though because of our beloved dog he couldn t be with me he waited in the car for me for almost 5 hours no wonder i adore the man i get teared up just thinking about it anyway a chest x ray ct scan with iodine ouch ouch ouch tons of blood work and five hours later i was cleared to go home it got really scary because one of my tests called a d dimer came back elevated which can mean a blood clot is likely however raised triglycerides can falsely elevate it i learned this on the internet while i waited they have patient centers in the rooms never before have i been thrilled to have high triglycerides so the diagnosis the three doctors all felt a cipro reaction was unlikely the er doc said it was even okay to take it again though i m skeptical he thinks it s a combo of allergies and elevation and that it would just take time anyway that rounds off my fifth day in our new house but i love it even the er is nicer here packing my computer for the next two weeks i ll have very limited computer access i will be checking my email but not often and i may or may not be able to write back i will miss you all i do already cya in about two weeks one week left there s a week to go before we move seven days which means we need to be totally packed by next wednesday night argh it s so freakin unbelievable i am in some strange state of denial but that alternates with crying when i realize saturday will be the last time i see my mom and missy until december barring some miracle that gets them to colorado to visit us none of this seems real i don t think i ll believe it until the movers come and start carting our jasminlive stuff off i m excited anxious and scared in about six different ways but mostly i just want to get the move over with at this point on the one hand i can t believe we re only a week away it seems to have gone so fast on the other hand it feels as though a lifetime has passed since this all first became a potential back in late february i said goodbye to my boss and the yesterday he s gotten so big and he s so sweet i watched him last week and was thrilled that he still loves me not only that but he was better for me than for his parents babies seem to do that he slept like a perfect angel child for me for them he s been a little monster anyway it s all just so surreal i can t write long lots of packing to do my blog is going on a move settling in hiatus there s a slim chance i ll update from the road but don t count on it until we ve gotten our stuff from the movers and get settled in i m considering myself on a blogging break when i come back i have some rather stuff to share i m just not ready to delve into it right now with everything else going on but suffice it to say that this blog was started nearly a year ago as a weight loss blog that hasn t exactly been what s it s ended up becoming but i plan to make a definite return to my roots post move while still talking about whatever too like the gilmore girls what was lorelai thinking i mean i get that she s stressed and unhappy but when has christopher ever made her happy besides she s wearing luke s ring still or was when she left him it s just wrong i mean on the one hand wouldn t it be nice if they ended up together rory s parents all these years later it sure will make richard and emily happy but then you watch season i episodes and luke is soooo in love with her and she with him i just think they ve got to work it out somehow oops sorry slipped into a rant there about fictitious characters but they are such wonderful characters the original point was i plan to return to weight watchers i m not sure if i m going to go to meetings right away or join online until i am comfortable driving i don t think the only meeting in the town we re moving to is going to work for me so i might need to go a town over and i ve still never driven alone one of the six things i m scared of eventually i ll figure it out my biggest priorities initially has to be getting used to be a driver and eating right i can t even tell you how ugly it s been in part i m just too ashamed to go there but it s also just such a big thing i m not prepared to write about it at this point it needs more energy and time than i can devote to it now maybe that s wrong but that s reality so my dear readers this is the end of my blogging in new york city next time i speak to you i ll most likely be in colorado tucked away in the rocky mountains but it s also possible i ll be at a red roof inn near omaha thrilling huh i m freaked out so with ten days left until our big move i m finally freaked out it s hit me i suppose if i go back and analyze it s been slowly hitting me for weeks yet i have to say until saturday when my husband said his goodbyes to my jasminelive friends and surprisingly got choked up when it came time to say bye to my mother and missy i was really feeling calm now not so much it s not just the sudden reality that saturday is the last time i will see my mother and sister before we move i won t see them again for months likely not until christmas i don t think i ve ever gone that long without seeing missy if i have it s not since she was very very small i d guess three or under i just can t imagine my life without her a short train trip away i m devastated to leave her but not to leave i want to go i just want to take her with me i can t even write about it anymore because i m on the verge of tears another moment or two and this post will be done because typing through tears is not a skill i ve mastered i probably should given my tendency to cry easily i ve been having some medical concerns i don t think i ve blogged about if i have forgive me but i m so scattered with the move i don t remember which way is up anyway it turns out my optic nerve is pale for the past few months i ve been experiencing a sudden increase in i was worried it was a problem with my retina but the doctor said that my retina is fine however she was concerned about the color of my optic nerve well given the bizarre visual issues i ve had over the past few months so am i however because i originally expected to be on different insurance i opted not to pursue any additional testing until after the move i did however research what it could mean and frankly none of the options are appealing i know it s not glaucoma the other choices seemed to be various sorts of tumors or ms that led to me researching ms and discovering that on a list of the 12 most common symptoms i ve developed 9 in the past few years now granted some of these are vague and might be explained by other things my doctor was unconvinced when i presented her with my evidence and might have dismissed it out of hand except for that pesky pale nerve that is she admitted diagnostic evidence that can t be ignored and so i have tests to look forward to asap after the move in the meantime in the back of my brain during all this is the thought that there might be something very wrong with my brain and it s terrifying of course it might also be nothing but from what i was reading and my doctor s reaction this would be unlikely optic nerves just don t generally appear pale for no good reason i feel like a pot that has been set to simmer and is covered i m bubbling up inside and the pressure is getting to me then there s stuff with the move itself stuff that i can recognize isn t that major and will work out somehow and so i m trying to ignore it and yet it s not completely working like for example the fact that my in laws and my husband s aunt they are a package deal now that his grandmother is gone are insisting on being here the morning of the move why i don t understand it is going to be absolute chaos the dog will be totally freaked and put in the bathroom which would be bad enough but hearing familiar voices will make it worse for him i m very concerned about his stress level already and this just makes it that much worse then there s the emotional scene his mother and aunt still just don t seem to want to accept reality i know it s going to be ugly i m sure his mother will try to keep her emotions in check since i ll be here and i know his aunt won t be able to help herself she will cry it s not that i don t feel for them i do i know how wonderful he is i just wish they d accept that we re going stop saying negative little things and come say goodbye the afternoon or night before the move where the hell are five people supposed to be while the movers are here and the freaked out dog is locked in the bathroom the furniture will be going so we ll have no place to sit and we ll all be constantly trying to shift out of the way it s an excellent way to take an already stressful situation and make it worse i keep thinking maybe the idea of driving out here at rush hour will make them reconsider and then i do a reality check and realize it s impossible they ll be here and there s nothing i can do about it on top of everything else i suspect they wanna see us drive off into the traffic or something like that well i told my husband i want a few moments alone in our apartment this apartment has a lot of memories and though i m glad to be moving it s still going to be sad like when we moved from the studio we d lived in when we got this place it was way too small and we were so excited about leaving the evil scary supers but at the same time we fell in love in that apartment it s where our relationship started well here we got engaged not here here but while living here married and both of us finished degrees while living here we got our dog while living here it s going to be a bittersweet goodbye and i don t want that taken away from us ugh i am so dreading moving day and i don t even have to do any of the moving then there s my novel several summers ago i wrote a novel part of the deal of taking the summer off was that i finish it and try to do something with it i finished it and once the elation of being able to say i wrote a novel wore off i decided it was a piece of crap that no one would want to publish well something about getting my diploma and putting it in its frame combined with the move has me realizing that maybe i want more out my life than i thought i did i thought what i wanted was to finish my college degree and become a mommy and i still want to become a mommy it s just that suddenly i find myself wanting to have more than just that i ll be a great mother i have no doubt about that i might be fucked up in many ways but i am gifted with that s no ego it s fact maybe it s just because of my own fucked up childhood but i think it s also just an innate ability to understand them i love working with but i don t want it to be the only thing i can do i feel trapped by that thought i spent all that time in school getting a degree in a field i absolutely love but at the end of all the work and struggles i am no more qualified to do any given job than i was before except ironically enough in states like colorado and ny i am now eligible to teach preschool aged despite the fact that my degree is not in early childhood education it s so damn frustrating i thought i knew exactly what i wanted my future to be and now i have this small piece of paper in a big fancy frame and suddenly everything feels different i want more i am thrilled in my marriage but i have to admit i envy my husband a little he s so capable i think part of my fear is that what will i do if i lose him especially if i have to care for and i keep coming back to that damn romance novel i wrote and then mentally shelved my husband is now a ceo of a company that bears his name how freakin cool is that and i told him that i know he won t fail which isn t to say the business won t statistically speaking it will and he knows that the point was even if it fails i know he won t and he said he also knows he won t and all i can think is how nice would it be to think that way about myself i ve lived my life in such fear of failure that i don t even try or i stop trying when it gets hard and i get scared that i can t keep going maybe that s related to the way i grew up i don t know and it doesn t really matter i m a grown up now i m 30 it s time to fix it to get past it it s time to realize that failing to try is so much worse than trying and failing especially when in so many cases you believe deep down that you wouldn t fail if only you had the courage to go through with it i was afraid of marriage i don t even remember that anymore but i was reading through my old journals from back when i first moved in with my husband i didn t keep them here at the time because i wasn t entirely sure he wouldn t read them so i wrote in them from time to time when i went back home and then eventually he told me he wouldn t read them and since he s a man of his word i knew it was safe to bring them here i ve been slowly destroying them because frankly there s a lot of bad stuff mixed in with the good and if something should ever happen to me i wouldn t want him to read those bad things our first year of dating was hellish it s why our relationship is so strong now but it was ugly at the time i don t ever want him to relive those moments through my eyes and though i hope i ll be able to be honest with our it s one thing to say daddy i broke up a lot that first year and really struggled and another thing entirely for them to read all the awful things we did and said to each other and thoug...