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Text of the page (random words):
se as walls or blockades but you see them as hurdles to sail over with the lord when you get to the other side you will look back and see where you ve come from this coming year god is going to ask you to take inventory of those things you have believed for that you have seen fulfilled and how he fulfilled it and you write don t you these will become your testimonies that encourage others so as you write them down god will use it to touch other hearts he s not a respecter of person if he does things in your life and other people hear about it it raises their level of faith that he can do it in their life this might be new to you but it s not new to god you have the word of god and you have faith and you are an overcomer as you put pen to paper let god whisper to people as you write i was shaken as i sat there and heard her say the very prayer i prayed as i waited for her to speak god knocked down a few of my walls that day that i had unknowingly and ignorantly limited him by as i met with my counselor week after week she would ask so you said you were going to do whatever god asked you to he didn t ask you to move to africa or tear down your house those things would ve been easier for you to do than the thing he has asked he has asked you to ask for healing and it s been made clear to you so why are you not asking you see i had tried asking but i had been asking like a scared child that thought her dad may not want to do it so i didn t want to bother him with a request that felt selfish my counselor not so gently pointed out that it was also because i didn t want to introduce disappointment into my walk with the lord as far as it depended on me walking the diagnosis with peace and acceptance knowing what was coming even blindness was easier than embracing the risk of the ask but she said kylie you cant micro manage your potential future disappointment for the lord if you ask for healing and the answer is no or not now then disappointment will be the vehicle for your healing but don t limit him because you are afraid of disappointment he can handle that those words went deep to my core misbeliefs that i am not deserving of healing that he wouldn t want to give it to me in the first place or that he would view me as selfish and instead give punishment rather than the gift that he wanted me to suffer instead of experience healing and life abundant i continued through prayer peeling back those layers unraveling the places that had been wrongly wound tightly around a misguided belief it was a beautifully painful and equally wonderfully freeing process day by day week by week he was speaking so clearly in ways i had never heard him before to ears who had never expected to hear so much or attuned to listen with such expectation and excitement of the next experience in those days of february i started with what i call my shakily reluctant prayers for healing i wanted to ask i knew he had invited me in to ask but i still felt like i hadn t finished the wrestling place of what it all meant i wanted to obey so badly so i did it in the best way i could muster in the moment but the invitations continued posted by thewhitefam at 5 40 am 4 comments thursday april 22 2021 journey of surrender john and i made plans for a getaway in july right after the move to atlanta before the kids started school i planned the trip like i always do for glacier national park in montana a desire of mine for years the trip unbeknownst to me lined up the day before my next eye appointment would be after moving to the atlanta area in june my eyesight seemed to get progressively worse quickly i know stress can induce decline in this diagnosis but i also wondered if it was also being in a new place where i didn t know my way around the house the roads or anywhere there were moments i would miss a stop sign or hit a cone i immediately shifted conversations with john full of grief that we needed to discuss me giving up my license i hadn t cried so hard in all of my diagnosis journey as in those conversations i remember pulling into my driveway one afternoon and ahead of my in my windshield was a beautiful sunset and in my rearview was the darkest gray rain cloud the two images were at direct contrast beauty pain peace heaviness both coexisting but both speaking to different places in my heart that was feeling both in such juxtaposition in those moments it was so clear god had led us to atlanta and so clear he was continually drawing me in to his peace and beauty but the sharpness of losing my independence felt so close and for the first time i felt such resistance to it i didn t want to move to a new place and immediately give up my license i wanted to find my back ways to school and the grocery store find what gym i would join and learn the ins and outs of carpool drive the kids to their first day of school and hear all about it at pickup i realized a lot of my really special unplanned conversations with the kids happened in the car and the idea of losing that felt crushing july 23 around this time our trip to montana came we flew out there and enjoyed a beautiful first day surrounded by the most amazing sights i have ever seen unparalleled beauty at every turn of the trail waterfalls mountains glaciers clear lakes tall cedars i drank it in like it was my last sight and i marveled at god s creation each minute that night we got in bed and john reminded me he had a 4 hour meeting he couldn t miss the next morning i was instantly hurt and angry we only had 5 days here and now one would be wasted quickly i felt the prompting of an invitation from god this is what i had for you come with me surprisingly john got off the hook easily and i told him that would be great i would drive into the park when we started his meeting the road into the park is a road going to the sun road rightly named that winds along a glacier lake towering trees and winds its way up mountain after mountain waterfall sprays right onto your car as you pass and continue upwards as you hug a cliff on one side as i navigated the tight turns and watched carefully for brave bikers and slowing cars taking pictures i wondered if this would be my last drive after all the day i got back i went to duke for my eye appointment and i became sure that was going to be the day my doctor would tell me it is time to hand over the keys i drove windows down music loud crying literally sobbing out to the lord both at the beauty my eyes beheld and the grief and fear which was taking hold of the transition coming mi turned my music louder and song after song came on worthy of your name by passion right into even when it hurts by hillsong i wept my way through the songs windows open words belting out as my heart told god i would surrender driving if that is what he asked of me i felt metaphorically my knuckles loosen over the decision i knew he was still good even if that is what was next for me but as only a daughter could i simultaneously asked for one more year please god one more year i will surrender my license if you ask for it but if i could ask for anything it would be just one more year of driving learning my way around enjoying these special moments with my kids in this new place but i told him even if the answer to that request is no i told him he is still good i still trust him and i know he has a plan for even this which is for my good i thought of the many times i will have to keep laying things on the altar as they come and give them to godin surrender i don t know what next weeks appointment holds but he has prepared me and given me strength to be ready for it he invited me into that drive so clearly he had an experience waiting for me this diagnosis has been a beautifully hard gift for which i am so thankful for these moments in the car that day which normally i would ve just let pass by unaffected outside of that minute god uses his creation to speak god uses these mountains to draw our eyes up from our circumstances and see him in his power and beauty july 28 the trip sadly ended and on to duke i went the following day after returning i cried myself to sleep the night before the appointment i was sitting in the grief of what i anticipated hearing that next day i walked into the appointment tuesday and got the normal tests scans and pictures the doctor walked in and pulled up my visual field test and said well i definitely didn t expect this i had gained some vision back with this diagnosis this does not happen he attributed it to the injections taking down the swelling on my optic nerve but i attribute it to jesus alone he looked at my results and said well you are definitely safe to drive for at least one more year we will check again next year one more year the three exact words i begged god for on that montana road god said yes to his daughter hands open in surrender but heart begging for her father to move this diagnosis journey has been marked with surrender sometimes he will take it as i surrender and sometimes he will give it back but always he just wants my heart in the right posture i thought of abraham on that mountain surrendering the unexplainable to a god he trusted more than his circumstance and instead of take his offering god provided another way he gave the offering himself just like he would thousands of years later thank you to the god who provides the father who hears and answers the almighty who is big enough to create the mountains yet intimate enough to respond to our exact requests it is all just too good the picture on the left is july 28 2020 and one on right is end of 2019 the purple means no vision in those areas even with a bright light red means medium lights weren t seen but bigger lights were the fact that there is less purple on the left image shows the improvement to that day s test from the previous year posted by thewhitefam at 7 38 am 0 comments thursday september 26 2019 the body remembers 7 years today i held my 12 pound one year old son in my arms for the first time i met my shy scared 4 year old i can bet you neither of them remember the date but their bodies remember a brain somehow etches into permanency the trauma of adoption so many people idealize adoption and while it is beautiful it is tragic it is trauma it is devastation i cannot imagine being a 4 year old and being told go this is your mama now that is all maran was told in her language she had not seen a white person she had not heard the english language and in the orphanage she hadn t been caressed or changed or tucked in and now here is this woman and man she has never seen that are doing these things i cannot imagine the fear and confusion the mind may forget the details but the body remembers this month has been hard plain old hard trauma rears its ugly head in whining attitude discontentment anger uncontrolled outbursts lashing out with words and regression bed wetting sibling arguments ungratefulness negative attitudes and when you bend down and look in their eyes and say this isn t you whats going on in your heart the response is i don t know the mind can t put it all together at this age i guess but the body remembers the body remembers leaving the orphanage the place where 4 mamas cares for 35 kids where one meal a day was all you got and even that was often sautéed leaves and worms and a ball of dough called fufu the orphanage was the place where 6 8 kids slept on a queen mattress on the floor where they would bring a bucket in at night and you would sit your bottom on the edge of it and go to the bathroom before bed the orphanage was the place where the older kids would target the younger to take their one meal a day because they could push a baby out of the way to get a double portion the scar still protrudes on levi s head to prove it i can t believe it has been 7 years part of me wondered if at 6 7 8 9 years home that they would forget the painful memories of trauma but the body doesn t forget doctors say continued hunger and malnutrition in the first 2 years of life creates a trigger in the brain that can rarely be reversed food equals nurture from that day until forever which brings its own set of issues food is intensely triggering during these periods of grieving this year for my child s birthday i got the most special breakfast i brought their favorite treat to school to share with friends i had an expensive rare treat waiting for them as an after school snack i cooked their favorite dinner and dessert that evening but it wasn t enough why didn t you do this mom why did i not get celebrated enough mom it is a vacuum that cannot be satisfied it is exhausting and so hard to parent through that from a place of patience and compassion i think the hardest part about walking with someone through grieving is when grieving doesn t look like grief it looks like anger apathy and irritability give me tears and this is hard and i am there by your side echoing your hardship and comforting and affirming but the alternative form of grieving stirs my default reaction of stress frustration impatience and a lack of compassion i am trying to take a step back each day and ask god for just what i need for that day not get afraid of the future or how long this will last but just enough grace to give my kids for today i ask him for eyes to see their regression and anger with compassion because it stems from them sensing that their world is not as it should be and that is a true assessment it is not how it should be no kid should lose their first family but as i tell them as i tuck them in our family is forever it is ok to be sad and mad mom still loves you and always will no matter your behavior i am sorry i got frustrated with you today that was not kind of me affirmations apologies and vulnerability do go a long way in the midst of grief as i am learning from my diagnosis people don t tend to do well when there is no end in sight to suffering when there is no promise here on earth that this will tie up with a pretty bow and you will just say wow wasn t that worth it all not here no in heaven all the sad things will come untrue and all of the suffering will appear as a brief second in time that had complete purpose filled with love and intentionality but in the meantime we will put one foot in front of the other love when we don t feel like loving ask god to help us to endure well and enjoy the lives he has given us happy 7 years together to my sweet treasures posted by thewhitefam at 5 48 am 7 comments labels adoption congo family kids spiritual growth monday june 17 2019 certain uncertainty so during the time of all of my eye diagnosis we have had other kids receive an educational diagnoses and one going through a time of worry and stress and john started his mba because of course there can t be only one big thing going on at the same time one of my kids has been seeing a great counselor to help process and learn how to handle stress we have helped at home as much as we can but with what...