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ng in forever and then vomiting all this i am an emotional mess and i m doing my best to hold it together dec 11 hello old friend posted by middlespouse 3 it has been too long but damn life gets fucking complicated all of the sudden my greatest therapy has been this space i don t write nearly as often as i should and sure as hell no where near as often as i want to write i should probably do voice recorded blog posts because while i am driving or walking the dog or cleaning the house i am constantly speaking out loud to anything or anyone who is willing to listen the bully from last school year for ladybug well turns out she isn t such a bully turns out her perception of social interactions are extremely different and she had no idea her words and actions were having such an effect on ladybug of course because ladybug is also not one to perceive social interactions the way the general population does this complicated the interactions significantly without coming out to say it the teacher informed me the child in question is high functioning asd well that mixed with ladybug s severe anxiety disorder went about as well as oil and water it was a long process but we were able to get to a place where the girls got along and had a better understanding of each other they are now great friends and play together quite nicely at school amazing teacher and school staff support to help this it s not easy helping adults see things from someone else s perspective let alone first graders the summer was long and drawn out and just about killed me financially first for the past 3 years i have slowly been paying off a trip to the happiest place on earth and hope to the most epic melt downs ever i knew i wanted to take the kids but i had to wait until they were just the right ages and you know could afford it with everything that has happened in the past 2 years i didn t think this was going to happen but i was able to make that final payment and we are in fact set to leave in just 9 days the kids have no idea not a fucking clue they are still adding money to the jar on the counter that we are saving for our wdw trip on top of the last payment broken up into 5 for that the ac and furnace needed replacement i could have waited to replaced the furnace but it would have cost me more in the end so i bit the bullet and replaced the system with a nicer one than i had energy efficient and a bit on the pricey side but when we hit 114 degrees i have never been more grateful for dipping into our savings to pay for this what i didn t expect was my boy dog to get sick like really sick in april i came home from work early and found him standing at the top of the stairs breathing funny i checked him and his gums were white i freaked the fuck out look i lost sd in 2017 and my furry princess in 2018 i am not ready to lose someone else yes i know he s a dog but he s my fur baby and losing him is the last connection to when sd and i were happy luckily i rushed him to the vet and they were able to see him enlarged spleen ok no biggie except he s almost 12 at this point do i push through a major abdominal surgery on an almost 12 year old dog yes yes i do it wasn t terrible in cost and my vet is amazingly awesome my boy bounced back after surgery like a freaking puppy even the vet was pleasantly surprised at how great he did then came july friday night about 2 weeks before i am supposed to go to cincinnati to spend the week with sd s family with the kids and the dog we head to bed at 9 30 my furry prince is acting weird very restless and unsettled then he tried to vomit and nothing comes out i jump up tell the kids to get their shoes on i rush the furry boy outside to see if anything changes nope another attempt at vomit and nothing happens toss him into the car and off to the emergency vet i walk in tell the tech he s bloating and to rush him back i will sign whatever just get him seen asap they laughed at me like how do you know i just fucking know now get him better the er vet comes out and says yep it s bloat but he hasn t rotated so we ll drop a tube and decompress him boom told ya this mama knows her baby he spend the night in puppy icu he s fine saturday night sunday night and monday before work monday night i get home from work at 9 30 pm take one look at him and tell the sitter i hope she is ok staying because he s back to the emergency vet we go yep bloated and rotated this time fuck i have 2 options surgery or euthanasia i am not ready to make that decision he looked at me and we decide together surgery it is oh wait they don t do surgery at this er vet i have to drive 45 miles away um what the absolute fuck i have to get gas turns out the er vet who does surgery was busy so the vet on call offers to do the surgery she says i m not board certified in emergency surgery but i have done the surgery several times before and i m i interrupted her and said cut him now she smiled and said she loved having a medical person as her patient s family makes things easier well nothing is easy for my boy of course he has complication the splenectomy in april caused adhesions contributing to the bloat send off the adhesions and complete the gastropexy boom my boy does great through surgery and wants to come home with me not this time mister another 2 days in puppy icu instead of going to cincinnati i invite my mil here since we were supposed to be there for her birthday she comes i am shocked but she comes of course my boy has more complications and is back in puppy icu for 3 more days because i m just made of fucking money well that dipped deep into my savings but let me tell you he is worth every fucking penny because the smiles on my human children s faces is worth everything my grumpy old man still sings and dances for food then we had the first day of kindergarten for booger 2 years ago was the last day we saw sd alive on ladybug s first day of kindergarten booger asked if anyone was coming since everyone every fucking one except hww was here for ladybug s first day i bribed my parents into coming because booger didn t understand it was supposed to just be mommy and daddy for ladybug but mommy had surgery and daddy was released from the psych hospital into the custody of his parents he was happy someone was here and honestly so was i i was terrified of the emotions but we are back in the swing of school both kids at the same school for the same hours we were able to get into the school provided child care expensive as it is booger has decided he wants to to the boy scout thing ladybug is in girl scouts we have re dance and piano we have an activity every fucking night of the week except mondays when i work 12 hours so yeah i am freaking exhausted but the kids are happy and they are enjoying the activities some people give me a hard time about having them in so many things i do not want them in all the things they want it and my guilt as a solo parent doesn t allow me to say no though ladybug wanted to add one more activity i put my foot down nope i can t handle any more time or expenses i have missed this space i am super excited about surprising my kids with a week at wdw it s almost halloween my favorite holiday ever my kids are actually doing pretty well i am holding my own i miss sd and his wit and comedy i miss him seeing the kids achieve things i hate they don t have a father in their life we have great role models and i am grateful beyond words for the village i have adopted to assist me in my parenting and this space that has given me so much support through everything i am grateful i am struggling with my depression and anxiety but i think my provider and i have found a medication that is helping i may have found the magic mix of therapy and medication to survive all of this i still feel i am not cut out to be a parent let alone a solo parent my kids are super lucky to have a lot of people in their lives from their activities who love and support them i m old and tired and sick with something sinusy but i m secretly packing suitcases and hiding things so i can surprise my kids i may be out of savings but we have an amazing dog for a little while longer i would really like him to live at least 10 more years so i get my worth we have functioning heat and air conditioning that keeps our home comfortable and we are about to go on a trip i have wanted to take them on since my first trip to wdw when i was 30 sd took me and while we were there i said how i couldn t wait to take our kids some day he isn t here and dammit he should be but i am keeping the promise i made to take our kids at least once in their lifetime i know it s overrated and expensive as fuck but if my kids get one day of enjoyment out of it then it is worth it i hope to get back to writing i don t have time to do laundry or clean the house let alone this but i do miss my safe space thanks for reading if you still are oct 10 bully posted by middlespouse 4 in the first grade in mrs rupe s class we got a new student name jm she was pretty and fun and bubbly everyone loved her i was excited when she invited me to her house so we could play i thought we had a good time and we had the beginnings of a beautiful friendship i could not have been more wrong upon returning school she had said awful things about me to all the kids in my class kids i had known long before she came into our class but they believed her thus began my first experience with a bully this girl turned all my friends and even some of the faculty at my school against me a school where my mom was the pta president and had been involved with the school for 10 years before my attendance as i am the youngest in my family my oldest sibling 10 years my senior i fought with this girl from mid first grade through the end of 7th grade i allowed this girl to get in my head i allowed what she said and did to negatively affect me my self esteem plummeted my unhealthy relationship with food began and depression first reared it s ugly head in my life at the end of 7th grade she moved away across the country i wasn t sure how things would change come the fall of 8th grade i wasn t prepared for the changes kids who had hated me and blocked me from parties and lunch room tables suddenly wanted to be my friend they apologized because they were afraid of jm and didn t want to be the next me i made the cheerleading squad was in with the in crowd invited to all the parties and could sit anywhere i wanted at lunch however the damage had been done within my own mind and none of this mattered besides how could i trust these people who so easily crushed me when one mean girl picked me to be the scape goat freshman year of high school i changed schools and started life anew kind of i didn t deal with a bully again until i got a job in a nicu where by the way nurses quite literally eat their young i survived that experience because i wouldn t allow it to sink in the negative thoughts were strong enough from my own mind there wasn t room for anyone else s bullshit in there since january there have been some incidents at ladybug s school times where my daughter was afraid to go to school times where i noticed the physical expressions of anxiety were becoming apparent those same signs that used to show up when she was transitioning to her dad s house from me i received a call from the school counselor stating she was going to check in with ladybug every day and meet with her once a week because there was something really bothering her at school she didn t mention it but i had noticed i reached out to the counselor we went through pcit with and she agreed to meet ladybug is a classic case of ptsd whatever is happening at school is triggering things from her past she has stuffed down deep there is a little girl who is playing with my sweet daughter s heart and i am not fucking ok with this shit oh my fucking god seriously this little girl is pulling the same shit jm pulled on me in the first fucking grade 36 years ago i mean what the fuck the same one day she s super nice to ladybug and the next she is completely cutting her off from all the other girls in her classroom it started small but it s gotten much worse the only saving grace for this little girl because i want to fucking throat punch her like it s no body s business and then take her mom out back and show her what s up is ladybug s teacher this woman is freaking amazing she has been on top of it she has brought it to the attention to all the moms of the 12 girls in ladybug s class even started a group text to open conversation between the moms none of us knowing who the culprit s mother was until we all responded with we had heard of negative and mean girl behavior and had opened the discussions with our daughters except one fucking mom this is the first i m hearing of this my daughter hasn t said anything about there being a mean girl excluding one or more than one of the other girls in class um lady do you think that s because your fucking bitch of an offspring may just be the one here s a hint uh ya with working on getting my kids out of my bed i have praised the shit out of ladybug because she hasn t used it as an excuse to get back in to my bed with the exception of one time when she was terrified we have had some big cries before bed but she knows i m there and i will always have her back this is hard shit for someone to go through even when they haven t experienced the shit ladybug has in her short life and somehow my girl is still surviving until today i got a call from the school nurse and was like oh shit the nurse said ladybug was warm but didn t have a fever she had just come from pe so not unexpected however she was complaining of a headache a stomach ache and being dizzy along with chewing on her lips and fingers these are ladybug s signs of anxiety with the exception of the warm temperature and the dizziness i questioned the nurse and she said she had no idea what ladybug was experiencing i informed her the teacher school counselor as well as the administrators are all aware of the situation and are working on it my biggest fear is that my strong smart confident successful amazingly funny sweet caring loving honest brave little girl will struggle as i did with our family history i am not ok with that i want her to be happy and healthy and love herself from within i want to teach her the only opinion of herself that matters is her own she needs to know she is all of these things and believe it she is all of these things but damn if this little shit of a girl isn t doing everything she can to take my girl down cutting her off from her friends cutting down anyone who talks to her so ladybug is isolating herself to protect her friends and being down right mean and then it got personal for me this little girl had the nerve to say her mom was smarter than me well fuck that noise i hope and pray this little fucker and her absent mother don t come across my exam table while i m in cha...