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it to arrive in the mail the third computer was a much older powermac g3 that i bought yesterday from a local merchant for a sweet deal it s definitely not powerful enough to do what i anticipate on doing but i wanted a cheap mac i could disassemble and play with i cracked open the case yesterday and the internal architecture was beautiful spectacular breathtaking i ve never had the élan to open a computer before and now that i ve been studying computers so fervently each step took on new meaning i m going to upgrade everything i possibly can and when i m done with it i ll have a powerful little mac monster i went to an apple store for the first time in ruby soho i was in mac heaven the walls were white and ephemeral and everything fit into place perfectly the stairs where made of chrome and glass and white lights permeated the entirety of the room i climbed the stairs and touched the wonderful machines on display everything was perfectly made perfectly yesterday i went to a lovely dance performance with jaamil and some others he introduced me to in one night i met another painter a poet several dancers and a professor i went to an after party afterwards where they served wine and cheese over mexican food and tequila my creative nerves have been piqued i probably won t be doing as much journaling lately i have to return to writing poetry the manuscript is only 70 pages long after being reduced from 130 my nerves are charged my heart is a floating and this weekend i ll see old baby blue again he s in dc and the weather is just lovely now posted by noel at 4 51 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday march 27 2006 the many voices of margaret atwood she s coming to penn she s coming to penn thursday march 30 2006 5 00 p m 17 logan hall jane s pollack memorial lecture in women s studies margaret atwood acclaimed author of many books of fiction including a handmaid s tale an evening with margaret atwood on the penelopiad helen of troy does countertop dancing by margaret atwood the world is full of women who d tell me i should be ashamed of myself if they had the chance quit dancing get some self respect and a day job right and minimum wage and varicose veins just standing in one place for eight hours behind a glass counter bundled up to the neck instead of naked as a meat sandwich selling gloves or something instead of what i do sell you have to have talent to peddle a thing so nebulous and without material form exploited they d say yes any way you cut it but i ve a choice of how and i ll take the money i do give value like preachers i sell vision like perfume ads desire or its facsimile like jokes or war it s all in the timing i sell men back their worse suspicions that everything s for sale and piecemeal they gaze at me and see a chain saw murder just before it happens when thigh ass inkblot crevice tit and nipple are still connected such hatred leaps in them my beery worshippers that or a bleary hopeless love seeing the rows of heads and upturned eyes imploring but ready to snap at my ankles i understand floods and earthquakes and the urge to step on ants i keep the beat and dance for them because they can t the music smells like foxes crisp as heated metal searing the nostrils or humid as august hazy and languorous as a looted city the day after when all the rape s been done already and the killing and the survivors wander around looking for garbage to eat and there s only a bleak exhaustion speaking of which it s the smiling tires me out the most this and the pretence that i can t hear them and i can t because i m after all a foreigner to them the speech here is all warty gutturals obvious as a slab of ham but i come from the province of the gods where meanings are lilting and oblique i don t let on to everyone but lean close and i ll whisper my mother was raped by a holy swan you believe that you can take me out to dinner that s what we tell all the husbands there sure are a lot of dangerous birds around not that anyone here but you would understand the rest of them would like to watch me and feel nothing reduce me to components as in a clock factory or abattoir crush out the mystery wall me up alive in my own body they d like to see through me but nothing is more opaque than absolute transparency look my feet don t hit the marble like breath or a balloon i m rising i hover six inches in the air in my blazing swan egg of light you think i m not a goddess try me this is a torch song touch me and you ll burn from morning in the burned house by margaret atwood this is a photograph of me by margaret atwood it was taken some time ago at first it seems to be a smeared print blurred lines and grey flecks blended with the paper then as you scan it you see in the left hand corner a thing that is like a branch part of a tree balsam or spruce emerging and to the right halfway up what ought to be a gentle slope a small frame house in the background there is a lake and beyond that some low hills the photograph was taken the day after i drowned i am in the lake in the center of the picture just under the surface it is difficult to say where precisely or to say how large or small i am the effect of water on light is a distortion but if you look long enough eventually you will be able to see me from the circle game by margaret atwood posted by noel at 11 20 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday march 24 2006 the long road to ithaca seductive sirens monstrous whirlpools a series of troublesome suitors and men turning into swine mere fiction i kid you not i m beat weary and exhausted i just want to find the time to sink lightly and effortlessly into the warm comforting mattress of a king sized bed sweet blissful tranquility i say at last at least the worst part of it is over it s been a long week it all started when i emailed elizabeth about going to cornell for the weekend she said it was fine i ve always wanted to see the campus and she s always wanted visitors at a beautiful ivy league campus in the middle of nowhere who could blame her i m prepped and all ready to go ithaca is beautiful i ve heard and i just took the mother of all midterms from hell escaping from the work of that class has been like avoiding the wrath of poseidon on the high seas then half way there after three hours of traveling from philadelphia she sends me a message that she s overbooked with work i can t go i m stuck in jersey city i try to make the most of it and spend the entire weekend at my parent s house to celebrate and show off the bounty of my new job i get my dad a reduced calorie diabetic cookbook he hasn t been able to eat decently in months and so i make a marvelous and i must say completely experimental salmon dish with a cauliflower calorie alternative side dish and an eggplant tomato and parmesan entrée to boot he loves it my mom buys tons of filipino food for my brother and i and as usual i only eat half of it before i m stuffed the next day i go to new york to haggle with merchants over computer prices and features i don t find a good deal and go back home empty handed admitting defeat i call my brother on the way back and ask him if he wants me to bring back burgers and fries the next day the gods have their revenge my throat is burning my mind is spinning and my innards are retching from all the bad mojo the next day is a mystery to me shrouded in a misty haze of anti diarrheals and painkillers i do remember one vision the great vortex head leaning over a swirling whirlpool watching my food and innards spinning round and round in a partially digested mass before i flush terrible just terrible i ve gone from a man to a retching puking pig at the mercy of a witch i take monday off from work i take tuesday off too i start to feel better by the afternoon but my mother won t let me go my dad cites keeping me for observation purposes i miss my one engineering class i have a presentation in seven days and my group meets without me it s a mutiny i m pissed i go to the corner store with my dad and smuggle in a mango by the cash register my mother takes it away telling me i m not well enough to eat exotic fruit i m forced to sustain myself on a diet of stale crackers and soda held captive for what seems like an eternity on the small island of ogygia or fine jersey city i finally break free on wednesday after seeing a doctor and invoking the supreme authority of her opinion my father wishes me well and anoints my head with healing oil which he believes can cure anything from headaches to hemorrhoids i leave and the wind is high and i set full sail on my makeshift raft i cross the hudson river to get to the jeweled isle of manhattan there my efforts are rewarded i search several electronic boutique stores and find a merchant willing to sell me a laptop with all the features i need at an attractive price i pay immediately and leave the store with a spanking new laptop well new in the theoretical sense as technically it s parts have been remanufactured from corporate computer stock i visit the great oracle and have him install a new operating system and productivity software on my computer then i make a few modifications myself and the golden bow is good to go i return to philadelphia for a mere two days of work and the week is already over but the weekend has finally arrived i give the laptop one final checkup and stick a big red bow on it before boarding my train i unboard the train and mike and his mom are there to pick me up like a beggar but a king in disguise well who knows his mom stuffs me full with more fresh fish from the sea and disappears mike shows me his huge huge 30 gallon fish tank and gets distracted and starts talking to people online all distractions aside i get him away from the computer the cell phone and anything that has remotely to do with a weather station we sit on the sofa in the living room alone then i bring over the gift and unzip the case and tell him to look at the present i got for him he opens it looks at me and gives me a big hug it seems like i never did make it to ithaca after all but sometimes the pleasant reality of things can serve just as well posted by noel at 1 12 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday march 08 2006 bohemia bohemia is a fallacy in your head this is calcutta bohemia is dead last hour walking home through the streets laden with newspaper the electric heat of neon signs and the remains of broken glass bottles the sound of sirens pierces through the night air like a razor i arrive at my doorstep reach into my pocket for the key and open the door flopping into bed eyes melting into heavy lidded sleep into walls melting yellow candle wax dripping drip drip dream hours pass and the ticking of the clock continues beating like a death march into my solitary brain craving want of more release out i out want out want more out out find voice own no someone something else want want to be led led dead like lead more there is a woman muse or siren she extends her hand and calls to me i sweetly coquettishly mother of all things promise you reasons answers immortality the works here is the door an escape from all the poverty the uncertainty and even the unmentionable of all things family i wake i opened a book enchanted by the soft melodic tunes dances of dark haired gypsies patchwork clothes and hand crafted instruments writers smoking inside cafes parisians drinking absinthe and painters on the local street corners panning sun swept scenes with their hands the vision was pure heaven i searched for her like a romantic on the high seas sniffing out music like blood on a hunt turning musty old pages raiding forgotten libraries i went down on all fours upturning rocks searching for signs of intelligent life and found the words vacant no loitering keep out whole cities decimated from abuse or not abuse so much as neglect like lucy gray or solitude the life gone out snuffed out like a case of ddt gone elsewhere there s going to be one long silent spring in america childhood dreams and cold regimes just don t make for very interesting themes i hit alphabet city like an amnesiac on a binge craving the direst rabidest hunger of all things memory help my name is icarus and i ve fallen and i can t get up i was thirsty and i drunk the waters of lethe and now i can t remember a damned thing where have all the fucking artists gone where the idealism where the stronghold of our dignity our vanity and wit i ve been led by faeries and spriggin gnomes on a wild goose chase chasing shamrocks shadows and illusions as if it were some some fantasy or an aforementioned vagary to fill a post modern vacancy echo i ll tell you where they ve gone resigned to universities point don t hide your shame just nod and smile they won t know let he who has not sinned cast the first stone it s so young and blissful to be naïve or so blissful and naïve to be young or want to be so forego the foregoing suck it up and be useful forego for ego to be or not to be the aristocrat the capitalist the work for pay anthroposophist thinking think as you like but act like others be the black sheep but wear white and be dazzling come smile now why are the talented so depressed i ve given too much life to gold and glitter why give a care life is only temporary too much spirit too much of that good immortal soul i m still burning in that impenitent flame of longing you see too young to give up on the dream too old to absolve myself of the responsibility of life come all ye wise men follow that star dance with me let us remake this city our image is as divine as any shake off this mortal coil and when the night is through let us go forth singing posted by noel at 1 01 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday march 03 2006 on being whole today i saw a cancer patient for my job a nice grizzled grandmotherly old woman with light hair and a tired face she was sitting in the testing room waiting for me some of her lower jaw had been removed for oral cancer and we had to put a towel on her chest to catch the dripping from her mouth she was one of the kindest people i ever met i gave her sample after sample to try to measure her responses and she would kindly ask questions laugh and make conversation in between tests during a break she asked me if i cooked my own meals and she told me that she used to be a lunch lady at an elementary school i couldn t help but be reminded then of my days back in public school when my teachers would spell words out on the board and recite times tables to the class one of our teachers loved reading the story of amazing grace and would gather the class sitting on the floor around her to listen at lunchtime the lunch ladies would come in hauling huge carts with food trays because the cafeteria was too small for every class to have t...