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Text of the page (random words):
tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post192462220832508902 comments 2025 08 16t03 16 54 614 04 00 comments on the public query slushpile absorption second revision rick daley http www blogger com profile 05173516899130463413 noreply blogger com blogger 4 1 25 tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 8322413461946730769 2010 03 09t16 12 26 913 05 00 2010 03 09t16 12 26 913 05 00 okay here s what i see 1 the first paragra okay here s what i see br br 1 the first paragraph is confusing it doesn t throw me into the story it makes me wonder what i m reading br br the deliver an ultimatum sentence is a much stronger start you might consider splitting the to demonstrate into another paragraph making the first paragraph just the ultimatum br br try rewriting the during negotiations sentence he was trying to save her not distract her right address punctuation on the next two sentences i think commas are appropriate br br i know this is a big one but i would either delete all but the first sentence of the next paragraph or i d shorten in up a lot if you re brave you could just reword the first sentence to be punchier is that a word i think you re trying to highlight the tension in the book the this or that but it s not working br br here s an attempt br there s only one way to find out he must become part of the supermind overmind you use that term once he could be absorbed into the hive or he could become something else you don t really describe what is the alternative if it s something else he must find a way to save the woman he loves and her world from destruction duh duh duh br br that s the skeleton of it br br i don t know if that helps i just think that last part needs to be more dramatic not cliche or gimmicky but dramatic this is the hook where the agent will either say huh or ugh br br the book sounds very cool kind of borg meets avatar good luck amy https www blogger com profile 13121676004066802975 noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 6244411015772246942 2010 03 07t14 16 03 247 05 00 2010 03 07t14 16 03 247 05 00 thanks again ajfrey shelley sly with your help thanks again ajfrey shelley sly with your help and the help of those who made suggestions for the previous versions my query letter will be completely polished by the time the manuscript is david f weisman http www davidfweisman blogspot com noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 7443412257295147946 2010 03 06t21 35 18 239 05 00 2010 03 06t21 35 18 239 05 00 i agree with ajfrey above this is your best quer i agree with ajfrey above this is your best query yet but skip the first paragraph and lead us in with a strong hook br br i major johnson is sent to deliver an ultimatum i br br that is a more powerful opening sentence than your current opening br br the next sentence is a bit confusing without a comma i d stick an either in there too just to clarify that there are two options br br i the planet oceania must either abandon the nanotechnology that links individual brains into a supermind or it must prepare for war i br br i also think there are instances where you need to add a comma as well as change the dash to a comma br br i with her help he learns more about oceania than his superiors could have imagined but begins to question what he s been told i br br otherwise i think this is great you re definitely giving a clearer picture of the plot which sounds fantastic shelley sly https www blogger com profile 07981620646634240160 noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 6984346061121291086 2010 03 06t21 06 35 733 05 00 2010 03 06t21 06 35 733 05 00 i recommend leaving out the first paragraph start i recommend leaving out the first paragraph start with the ultimatum it is a much stronger paragraph with the exception of the passive sentences watch your ly words merely completely truly etc br br also double check yourself for punctuation you are missing a few commas you want it to be top notch you also have quite a few passive sentences and adverbs br br one question that came to me was who are his superiors who sent him br br i like the concept and think you have a great story this query is much improved from the others br hope this helps a j frey https www blogger com profile 15490138130935376612 noreply blogger com