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the (26), blogger (18), com (17), you (13), and (13), with (12), 2011 (10), what (8), but (8), why (7), she (7), query (7), noreply (6), tag (6), 1999 (6), blog (6), 1588509537601105804 (6), that (6), are (6), abbie (6), her (6), comments (6), www (5), profile (5), for (5), should (5), post (5), about (5), first (5), https (4), sentences (4), agree (4), ballard (4), not (4), 20t09 (4), especially (4), dominique (3), got (3), which (3), out (3), story (3), them (3), nothing (3), sexy (3), they (3), visions (3), how (3), does (3), know (3), have (3), good (3), better (3), teaser (3), dead (3), would (3), important (3), words (3), there (3), appreciate (3), voice (2), desirable (2), watch (2), stumbling (2), doesn (2), like (2), 19t19 (2), 582 (2), still (2), leaves (2), things (2), happening (2), don (2), say (2), loves (2), research (2), these (2), wants (2), him (2), watching (2), less (2), his (2), desperate (2), questions (2), luck (2), 578 (2), than (2), going (2), consider (2), who (2), able (2), communicate (2), makes (2), gift (2), starting (2), use (2), your (2), make (2), plus (2), etc (2), more (2), enough (2), this (2), supernatural (2), thank (2), could (2), 788 (2), most (2), lot (2), condense (2), 20t10 (2), 543 (2), all (2), 20t12 (2), 105 (2), 10646757546422013401, kelsey, ridge, flow, quite, want, reading, aloud, help, smooth, some, wha, 5045728350806260011, anonymous, author, little, confused, told, understand, any, when, picture, grad, student, scholar, before, was, picturing, teenager, seems, come, nowhere, since, subjective, then, probably, been, whole, life, even, real, problem, graf, pov, shift, institute, contact, spirit, answer, rewrite, raise, 7584116438706632030, 08810986029055263965, abogash, bit, tougher, every, paragraph, appears, disjointed, were, trying, squeeze, into, each, care, hates, shrinks, special, memory, repressed, has, psychic, move, somewhere, uncover, something, knows, missing, link, from, mention, another, recruit, fan, 250, everything, concise, ands, its, sense, lol, okay, fine, end, except, motivation, notice, two, work, too, many, substance, information, agent, decision, plot, writing, sure, episode, years, ago, explained, never, made, far, paranormal, suspense, complete, 125, 000, consideration, used, main, paragraphs, now, stuff, really, premise, otherwise, stalkerish, always, toss, suggestions, only, opinion, 2533682640737826700, 06306237582005336118, natty, sentence, powerful, cut, part, just, 5940520420878203817, 13558715017099169735, tvbutler, depth, ones, taking, time, appre, 8532630204775298049, http, 05173516899130463413, rick, daley, public, slushpile, revision, 2025, 16t03, 614, post7841479395184212337,

Text of the page (random words):
tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post7841479395184212337 comments 2025 08 16t03 16 54 614 04 00 comments on the public query slushpile query supernatural first revision rick daley http www blogger com profile 05173516899130463413 noreply blogger com blogger 5 1 25 tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 8532630204775298049 2011 01 20t12 01 09 105 05 00 2011 01 20t12 01 09 105 05 00 i appreciate all the comments i especially appre i appreciate all the comments i especially appreciate the in depth ones thank you for taking the time tvbutler https www blogger com profile 13558715017099169735 noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 5940520420878203817 2011 01 20t10 47 39 543 05 00 2011 01 20t10 47 39 543 05 00 i agree with most of the comments there are a lot i agree with most of the comments there are a lot of stumbling sentences condense condense the first sentence could be more powerful if you cut the first part and just say abbie should be able to communicate with the dead natty b https www blogger com profile 06306237582005336118 noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 2533682640737826700 2011 01 20t09 38 47 788 05 00 2011 01 20t09 38 47 788 05 00 better than the first query but i m going to b better than the first query but i m going to be a bit tougher br br every paragraph appears disjointed to me as if you were trying to squeeze what you consider a teaser into each br br p1 who is abbie and why do i care she loves research hates shrinks and should be able to communicate with the dead what makes her special what s the story about br br p2 if her memory is repressed how does she know she has a psychic gift and why would she move somewhere to uncover something she knows nothing about or am i missing the important link from p5 and the mention of another recruit br br i am not a fan of starting sentences with but in a query use your 250 words to make everything concise no plus especially ands or its what is the it in it if that makes sense lol br br p3 ballard is sexy abbie wants nothing to do with him okay fine end of story except i know that it s not who is ballard why is he there what is his motivation and why does he watch abbie etc notice you have two more sentences starting with but and and br br p4 why are they desperate if she s dead how would her gift work too many questions not enough substance a query is a teaser but a teaser with enough information for the agent to make a decision about plot writing etc br br p5 what i m sure this episode 16 years ago is important and if so it should be in p1 and explained plus i never would have made it this far br br supernatural a paranormal suspense is complete at 125 000 words br thank you for your consideration 5 less words which could be better used in the main paragraphs br br now for the good stuff i really like the premise especially the ballard watching her in visions visions is important otherwise it is stalkerish good luck and as always use consider or toss my suggestions they are only my opinion abogash https www blogger com profile 08810986029055263965 noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 7584116438706632030 2011 01 20t09 24 35 578 05 00 2011 01 20t09 24 35 578 05 00 i agree with dominique and it still leaves us a l i agree with dominique and it still leaves us a little confused as to what the story s about you ve told us things that are happening but i don t understand why any of them is happening br br when you say that she loves research i picture a grad student or scholar before i was picturing a teenager br br ballard seems to come out of nowhere since these things are subjective if abbie wants nothing to do with him then he s probably not sexy if he s been watching her her whole life he s even less sexy but the real problem with that graf is it s a pov shift if they re his visions how does abbie know about them br br why is the institute desperate to contact a spirit br br you don t have to answer these questions but you should rewrite the query so that it doesn t raise them good luck anonymous author noreply blogger com tag blogger com 1999 blog 1588509537601105804 post 5045728350806260011 2011 01 19t19 04 11 582 05 00 2011 01 19t19 04 11 582 05 00 it s got voice to it which is desirable wha it s got voice to it which is desirable what you ve got to watch out for is stumbling sentences it doesn t flow quite like you d want it to reading it aloud should help you smooth it out some kelsey dominique ridge https www blogger com profile 10646757546422013401 noreply blogger com