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Text of the page (random words):
mselves that moves most cats probably won t intentionally try to kill your toddler but combine a kitten on a nip binge with the dangling taunting uvula of a wailing child and you have a catastrophe waiting to happen this scenario is so likely that the word cat is built into a word we have that according to dictionary com means a sudden extensive or notable disaster or misfortune if the people of this great nation can find time to just look at how much better the world will be without personal responsibility and by banning an artistic toy not meant for children they will know that the cpsc is just doing their job and making it safe for children to break their bones on trampolines choke on latex balloons eat marbles and ride their bikes into traffic i hope you take my suggestions into consideration feel free to contact me if you need any more ideas sincerely guinevere cuthbert portland oregon posted by gretel shuvzwichinstov at 11 58 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday february 20 2012 true grit i ve always loved to cook and like to think i m fairly good at it but hands down the most disgusting thing i ever did was cook hamburger helper for myself and my little brother when i was about 12 our mom was working as usual so it was my task to feed him dinner before she got home and we d begged her for weeks to buy cheeseburger hamburger helper because we usually had to cook food from scratch which was just fine but i wanted to try something new maybe it was her small food budget or that she didn t want us eating very much of that stuff but we were only able to convince her to buy one box so it was like the ark of the covenant in our house i read and reread the instructions on the back of that box i got all of the cooking equipment i d need carefully measured water set out the powder packet and the measured bag of noodles and set to work everything was fine at first alex and i were excited to finally get to taste this culinary delight we d seen advertised on tv so often the meat was cooking well and it was starting to smell good then it came time to open the bag of noodles i swear someone had made the bag out of steel and closed it with gorilla glue my mom had all of our sharp knives hidden because my brother was only five so i couldn t just cut open the bag and all of my attempts to stab it open with a fork were useless i could see the noodles inside but there was no way it was going to open without a fight so i proceeded to do everything i could think of to gain access finally a small hole appeared in the side off the noodle bag i was almost in i stuck a fork tine into the tiny hole and widened it enough for my fingers to hook inside then because the bag had been so tough proceeded to pull it apart with all of my strength and tore the bag completely asunder noodles flew up into the air and spread out across the stove and on the floor around my feet being twelve and obviously an amazingly quick thinker i did what i thought any sane person would do i picked up all of the noodles from the stove and put them into the pan then picked up the kitchen rug that had been sitting in front of the stove for who knows how long and dumped all of the noodles from that into the pan and proceeded to finish making the meal the rest of the meal making flew by and we didn t think anything more of the event until we took our first bites and got mouths full of hair and floor grit yum it was many many years before i wanted to try hamburger helper again posted by gretel shuvzwichinstov at 9 28 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday february 8 2012 staring down the sun my mom and i always had a conflicted relationship despite being told how horrible i was my entire childhood adolescence i never really did anything wrong i never even skipped a class until my junior year of high school and the only thing i did during that time was walk down the street to buy rose scented temporary tattoos i never even had a serious boyfriend until my senior year of high school and then did rebellious things like taking pictures for the school yearbook with him and going to the school s games the first time i did anything vaguely scandalous was after my 30th birthday and that horrible act was to try pot for the first time i m such a risk taker during my straight laced life i used to do little things to prove my mom wrong i watched color television at friends houses she was sure they caused cancer and to my knowledge has still never owned a color tv dared to eat meat and drink milk during the same meal and stared at the sun whenever her harping got to be too much for me which was fairly often looking back it s probably a good thing that i lived in the pacific northwest for half of my childhood so there weren t as many sunny days somehow i ve made it to my mid thirties only needing glasses for a mild astigmatism and 20 30 vision as for her other rules i m still tempting fate by wearing sunscreen watching color tvs and owning a microwave i m sure she s praying that it bites me in the ass someday posted by gretel shuvzwichinstov at 8 53 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday january 24 2012 breaking the lawn or death of a gardener from the age of 7 to 8 i lived in a beautiful sectioned off victorian house in prescott arizona which was very similar to one in the movie coraline the portion of the house my mom and i lived in had one front facing window and our only entrance was the former back door of the full house in the living room was a door to nowhere that originally led to a stairway but when the house was divided they walled off one side and left the functional door in place which was only useful for tricking people who came to our house for the first time and asked me where the bathroom was if i had a place like that now i would put a mirror the same size as the door frame in there but i m getting off topic this is a story about me and my friend from down the street joanne s parents owned a place two houses down from mine she and her family lived in phoenix most of the year but during summers they would stay in prescott so i spent most of my time playing with her one day joanne s father was outside doing some gardening we asked to help so he gave us teaspoons and said to dig up beside the sidewalk where he wanted to put in some flowers after digging happily for a few minutes glad to be helping an adult with something important joanne dug up a small dirty necklace we d found treasure forgetting our original task we went to work with much more vigor searching for more loot that had obviously been buried by a former tenant in our greedy minds an old woman s family had only loved her for her money so she did the only thing available to her and that was hide her money in the front yard then cover it with grass not finding anything in our first hole we started another one a few inches further away from the sidewalk because naturally the old woman wouldn t want her stuff to be too easy to find directly next to the sidewalk six inches from the sidewalk however would totally confuse her greedy relatives the second hole was about five or six inches deep and about the same width when joanne found something weird it was round and white and kind of squishy but we couldn t get a good grasp on it with our fingers and the dirt around it was harder so we moved on and widened the hole again occasionally poking at the white thing to figure out what it was after more digging we got to about the same depth in the widened area and found another round white kind of squishy thing using our magical powers of 8 yr old logic we quickly ran through a list of what those two things could possibly be ping pong balls bouncy balls paddle balls racket balls then we both realized the only thing they could be eyeballs joanne and i looked at each other her eyes were huge and i m sure mine were as well we dropped our spoons screamed and teleported the 15 feet or so to joanne s dad where we hid trying not to see what we had just seen we told him all about our hideous discovery the necklace the first eyeball that we weren t sure about and the second eyeball that made us sure it was eyeballs and we knew there was a dead person buried under his front lawn once he had calmed us down some joanne asked her dad if he was going to call the police or if she and i should walk down the police station to report it we weren t old enough to make phone calls on our own but we were allowed to walk just about anywhere we wanted to after thinking a minute joanne s dad told us if there s a corpse there you ll have to dig it up so you have something to show the police they re going to want to see more than just eyeballs somehow this made complete sense to us so we crept back over to the hole in the lawn each carrying a handful of grass and gently covered the eyeballs so we wouldn t have to see them and went back to digging for a while we dug in our hole slowly working away from the sidewalk using the eyeballs as a guide for a good guess where the chin would be while we were digging we had a good talk and figured the police would be okay with us just digging up the head and letting them do the rest of the work later probably feeling sorry for us doing so much digging with tiny spoons joanne s dad finally handed us a couple of trowels this made our work much faster and we went straight to where we were sure the jaw would be finding nothing in that direction we came to the realization that the corpse wasn t just buried in the lawn it was underneath the sidewalk too and by digging in the direction we had we d just missed finding the top of the head joanne s dad had been resting on the porch steps while we were searching for the jaw but when we switched directions and decided we had to dig up the sidewalk to find our evidence he went inside joanne said it was because he was thirsty but i secretly knew by the way he d been covering his face and fake coughing that the fear of what we d discovered was tearing him apart inside while her dad was inside joanne decided that she d had enough of this and ran over to grab the shovel he d been using after some bickering back and forth about the best place to dig beside the head or straight down to it it was agreed that we should probably make sure they were really eyes by popping one of them neither of us wanted to do the job but both of us were extremely curious finally we both held onto the shovel handle closed our eyes and stabbed downward on the count of three slowly uncovering our eyes and forcing ourselves to look into the hole we saw that we d completely missed both of our targets so we tried again this time setting the shovel tip against one of the white orbs and stepping on the shovel at the same time it worked we looked down and saw the inside of a mushroom feeling defeated we filled the hole up and never updated her dad on what we d discovered she may have told him later that night but he never mentioned it to me posted by gretel shuvzwichinstov at 8 55 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday august 17 2011 dear prostitute dear ageless prostitute who will always look about eighty years old despite trying to hide your partially crushed can of hamms inside your less than ample bosom i can see part of one nipple by the way i can still tell you re a drunk prostitute thanks for trying to hide it from my kid though posted by gretel shuvzwichinstov at 8 53 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday march 26 2011 stop thief this episode s illustrations brought to you by the rabbit i ve always liked going to the park and enjoy taking my kids to feed the birds whenever we feel like having a day out usually days spent in this way are peaceful and lovely usually when i woke up to a wonderful summer morning sometime in the summer of my fourth year and was told by my mom that after breakfast she d be taking me to the pond to feed the ducks i was excited a day in the sun probably seeing friends and just having fun we got dressed i put on my flip flops and we headed to the store to buy some cheap loaves of bread then took the bus to the park usually my mom would hold a loaf of bread and let me have one or two slices at a time so i wouldn t throw giant chunks at one bird then run out of bread quickly this day i showed her my newfound restraint and my ability to throw tiny pieces of bread without being reminded because i m four so she relented and gave me an entire bag of bread to hold by myself things went really well for a while i got to feed some ducklings the mommy ducks were able to get some food before the daddy ducks stole it all and i had a train of ducks following me all over the park as i happily waved the bag of bread around i d gone through half of the loaf and was a pretty good distance from my mom when a goose showed up and kind of honked at me i thought it was cute and threw it some bread this encouraged it and a couple other geese that had suddenly appeared to start honking for bread yay geese i loved geese i thought they were the most awesome birds in the world still oblivious to the upcoming danger i kept dancing with the bread bag and leading the train of a quickly dwindling number of ducks and no ducklings and a quickly growing gaggle of geese the geese were getting kind of loud but i found out if i gave them bigger chunks of bread they seemed to like that and were quieter i stopped to fix my shoe and looked up to see that all the ducks were gone and so was the train that had been following me instead i was now surrounded by geese since i was shorter than most of them there were geese for as far as i could see honking and closing in and staring at the bag of bread at first i didn t mind because i had plenty to feed them then i reached into the bag and found out i only had two slices left panic set in and i called out for my mom but she was out of bread and couldn t really help me the honking was getting louder as my captors got more anxious and bread thirsty and i was starting to freak out some i think my mom was getting worried too because her slightly higher pitched than normal advice was guinevere i think you should throw the bread and run she probably should have been more specific because instead of lobbing the bread over the geese and distracting them i threw both pieces directly into the face of the biggest goose standing about 6 inches from me and he was not pleased my mom yelled run guinevere run throw the bag and run i did run but my confused and panicked mind couldn t grasp what the bag had to do with anything and i was using it as a weapon now to keep the geese as far away from me as possible which wasn t far at all they were nipping at my shirt and pants and hair and honking loudly at me from every sid...