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Text of the page (random words):
rubber gloves and down the stem of the sherry glass catching the light from the feeble strip lamp above the worktop it was now pitch black outside and i broke off from drying up to draw the curtains on their wire worms a dead spider fell into the sink so next day i m coming to in my room fabulous by the way fred fabulous the sheets the towels the pot pourri and the phone rings and the voice says car s there for you man get over here and it s this axel fellow but with no e so i m in the car it s all very nice and there s a girl there too and i m thinking crikey don t think so bit early for all that but nice view all the same then we re sweeping up the drive of this enormous house porticos and everything llamas on the lawn some naked people wandering around with drinks and an ornamental pond that was more like a lake des paused and took a draft of the all too easily quaffable manzanilla so in i go flunky shows me into the drawing room and in walks my new best mate des he shouts come here man lemme see ya and throws his arms around me like we ve known each other all our lives and leads me off to his studio well i m stunned you ve never seen anything like it fred it s fur lined for one thing and there s another llama des stopped suddenly he d spotted a bit of dried on jam on the cake tin and attacked it with renewed zeal could have been a yak anyway it s in amongst the mic stands like it s the most normal thing in the world and i m thinking this is a long way from the bar at television centre when suddenly the whole mood changes he plays a tape and axl s concentrating and staring at me hard des man listen to this i wrote it for my fish and as the tape plays he starts crying des i love em man i love em they mean the world to me man like you man they don t let you down man not ever and i m hearing this fantastic number a rock n roll anthem thundering chords stupendous vocals the works but poor old axl s unhappy the song s almost there but not quite know what i mean i did but not wanting to break the flow remained silent save for a nod des continued axl i said and he gave me that funny look i d seen in the bar the night before i can tell you like your wildlife i mean it jumps out at you when you pull up the drive and i can see you love your fish and he said well i said this is brilliant but trust me i reckon you could sell a lot more copies if you made it about a girl suddenly he s all ears and bolt upright and stone cold sober how many people i said are going to buy a record called sweet carp of mine i mean that s just silly and you know what fred it was like a light went on and i said while we re at it if you re asking my opinion and i think you are ditch the kaftan and get yourself a pair of tight black leather pants you re supposed to be a rock god after all des that s why i love you man you re the real deal you re the full tomato awesome just awesome now leave me be i need some space gotta clear this thing up then he snapped his fingers and the flunky reappeared and i m back in the car and back at the hotel all very odd i wrote him a note said how much i d enjoyed my morning and hoped it had helped that sort of thing he sent a note straight back would i like to come to the video shoot well would i ever and that s where the next extraordinary thing happened fred des paused for dramatic effect and knowing perfectly well he had me hooked took another slug of sherry before waving the empty glass under my nose for a refill outside some small waterborne creature a coot probably splashed its way back into the canal and paddled away into the night do go on i ventured i arrive at the studio and they re all in a right flap there s axl who looked terrific i must say he d got rid of the kaftan and had taken my hint about the leather pants but he s beside himself running around yelling and screaming what s up ax me old mate says i it s slash he s a no show now i d worked out who was who by this time so i knew he was talking about their lead guitarist chappie and if we don t get this shoot under way in five minutes the label s gonna pull the whole goddam thing and i need this video to work man axl where s wardrobe i said seizing the initiative trailer s in back des says costume on the door why man i ve an idea and i left it at that well i found the trailer which was really a motor home like a giant dormobile and had a rummage i asked the girl if they had any wigs sure grandad she says and i gave her such a look fred i can tell you before working my way methodically through a couple of boxes on the floor soon as i d got what i wanted i went straight back into the studio and picked up a guitar i play a bit see fred don t advertise it but i can pick out a tune how do i look axl looked stunned fred totally floored then he did that funny giggle he d done the night i met him des man that is f n a man just f g a he used the f word a lot fred i m leaving that out i mean there s no need now i said if this is going to work you ve got to give me free reign with this thing and i waved the guitar at him and the rest of the band des says axl if you can pull off that costume i ll swear you can play guitar go right ahead there s a section in the middle needs rampin up a bit so just do what feels right this was all i needed to hear fred we shot the video in one take and although i say so myself i doubt i d played as well before and i won t play as well as that ever again the licks just seemed to pour out of me i felt as if i was playing out of my skin the rest is history and if you don t believe me just have a look there s a video on the internet there s me in my thrown together costume sleeveless denim jacket stovepipe hat and huge wig which completely covered my face and stank of patchouli oil knocking out the riff for all i was worth it was marvellous fred marvellous course i m uncredited that was the whole point of the wig no one would want to know that the world s greatest ever guitar solo was actually conjured up by me light ents legend and seriously middle aged bloke and i didn t mind that still don t just helping some fellow travellers fred you d do the same slash came to in a ditch somewhere and wandered in just as everyone was packing up axl gave him such a telling off you lousy s h not only did you nearly screw up the band s entire friggin future you just missed the best bit of guitar playin anyone here s ever heard and it s all thanks to my good friend from london england des o connor now you better sit down and drink a ton of coffee man cos you got a new solo to learn and learn good before we take this thing on the road i made my excuses and left my work with guns n roses was done crikey des i said what happened next didn t hear a thing for a couple of years then out of the blue my accountant rings and says des you checked your jersey no 2 account recently think you d better have a look so i call them up and ask for a statement and blow me down if there isn t all this extra cash and every entry s marked g n r thanks des and a date you know what fred i made more money out of those two days with axl and the band than in my entire career which is a bit galling really when you think of the years of blinkin slog i ve put in and morecambe and wise taking the mick for a living for god knows how long still good business is where you find it i suppose and axl s a top bloke still get the odd cheque even now tale told des slumped back on the narrow sofa the fold out table having been neatly stowed when we were half way through the sherry he looked tired we probably both did it was by this time very late our friend would have completed her set some time ago and would now surely be enjoying drinks and canapés with the rest of her pop star mates at glastonbury would she be thinking of us moored up here in warwickshire ah well either she ll come back or she won t we would have to wait and see des was by now fast asleep where he sat and i could feel my eyes beginning to droop too i stood and tidied the gangway des would wake up with a start and make his way back to his own berth in no time wouldn t do to have him trip over the recycling bin and wiped down the sink placing the freshly rinsed j cloth over the taps then checking everything was switched off save the night light i sat down briefly before heading off to my own snug little cabin just as i turned the turnbuckle catch i became aware of a noise a purposeful rhythmic yet distant splashing the sound of oars and they were getting closer who on earth could be out rowing up the canal in the middle of nowhere at this time of night i froze the better to hear was that a voice yes and texan too beyoncé was coming back fred fibonacci 2011 author s note that video see for yourself http youtu be oobdq0vdm8m posted by fred fibonacci at sunday october 30 2011 no comments wednesday 10 august 2011 the narrow boat diaries the visitors thud thud thud thud thudchioo chiooo chiooo chiooo choo swishhh swisssshhhh hiissss stop the helicopter landed a door opened suddenly the field appeared to fill with very large men in inappropriate suits curly bits of wire coming from their ears marching purposefully to each corner of the field and scanning what little horizon they could see through their mirrored glasses for goodness sake it was almost dark and we were just outside tamworth i saw one of them sink up to his ankles in the patch of mud recently vacated by our terrified audience of friesian cows an immaculately dressed jay z stepped gingerly from the agusta aw139 a glimpse of its interior un missable from our perch on the kettleby princess the narrow boat from another age and world entirely to that from which the cherry red helicopter had just arrived and which had just plonked itself down in the field before us scanning the wet soaking grass and the gulf of mud between him and the canal bank jay mr z barked y all comin or what for whatever reason i found myself becoming overwhelmingly protective and stepped forward beyoncé laid a hand on my arm s ok fred he s fine pay no heed to him he s just jealous at which point she let out the filthiest laugh imaginable doing a lot to break the ice true to form at this precise moment the sprightly des o connor stuck his head out of the saloon hatch his walnut tan glowing through the damp evening air and shouted tea anyone come on loves you ll need a brew before you get back to glastonbury switch that thing off properly and come aboard i ve knocked up some scones well done des just the ticket the whine of the gas turbines subsided and the field was silent save for the steady patter of rain lighter than before but ever present as you might imagine getting all these giant men there were only four but they were so big it seemed like many more into the princess cramped saloon took some organising they had to go down the steps sideways so ample was their girth and it was clear they could make neither head nor tale of the barge herself soon enough we were all wedged around the see all hear all formica topped table with des pouring and me explaining the niceties of an english cream tea to our guests jay z i could tell was distinctly underwhelmed by the set up and glared whenever b laughed at one of my jokes the men impossible to think of them without capital letters sat very still using small decisive movements to load clotted cream and homemade gooseberry jam onto des s wonderfully tasty scones if this is what they re like eating a cream tea god knows what they must be like in the field of battle i thought gulping down a mouthful and beginning to wish they d all just hurry up and go so said jay addressing des but unreadable behind yet more mirror shades d j all call em scones or scones he rhymed the first with dons the second with tones surprised and momentarily thrown by this depth of knowledge des answered scones rhymes with fonz no man wrong it s scones rhymes with cones a pause des put his scone down and wiped a bit of cream from the corner of his mouth well i beg to differ poppet he said but it s scones short o scones long o jay z s eyes narrowed scones jay scones des wasn t giving up without a fight scones a barely suppressed snarl behind the word scones countered des as calm as you like no godammit no no no no no scones scones scones scones scones scones man long friggin o the word is scones rhymes wid loans phones zones capone s bones saxophones y all finished beyoncé cut across the pair of them and not a moment too soon our new star guest was getting a little shrill and des i could tell was feeling increasingly foolish for rising to the bait s tea is all and real nice too thank you des and with that she turned and gave mr o connor that full beam full wattage knowles smile she then turned to jay z and gave him the polar opposite ah marriage throughout this the men sat motionless one with vast hands placed on the formica topped table to either side of his willow pattern plate another with a scone half way between plate and mouth and the other two mid munch everyone began to relax a little and then jay did the most extraordinary thing he stood almost banging his head on the cabin roof and then stooped into a full shakespearean bow beyoncé my darling you re right i took that a little far and promptly sat down unfortunately in so doing he caught the edge of his plate flipping his heavily en creamed and en jammed scone straight onto his chin the jay z chin fashionably stubbled as it was now had cream gooseberry jam and scone clinging to it like velcro the largest of the men went first the tell tale shoulder movement up and down up and down accompanied by a peculiar rhythmic hissing as he tried hard to suppress a fit of giggles to no avail the giggles spread around the tiny table like a small but perfectly formed mexican wave resistance was futile and soon all of us even jay z rapper billionaire and fashion icon were shaking with laughter tears streaming down our faces and napkins flying hither and thither in an attempt to stem the flow oh for a camera c mon b s time to go said jay now composed there s a field full o folk waitin ta hear you sing an we ain t about ta let em down saddle up at which point dutiful beautiful beyoncé walked to her cabin emerging moments later in the most extraordinary costume i have ever seen how where had she hidden it skipped up the companionway jumped onto the only dry bit of canal bank to hand and stood imperious while the men scuttled around her like so many worker bees two of them unbidden hoisted her aloft and squelched through the mud to the agusta now winding up its turbines in readiness for departure and beginning to heave and wrench against its muddy launch pad jay was soon on board and then the last of the men the door slammed shut the briefest of waves and one last smile from beyoncé before the noise increased des and i clung to both each other and the princess s tiller as the rotor wash threatened to blast the pair of us across the cana...