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no comments saturday february 26 2011 refiner of silver this post is maybe considered a continuation of my last post a great story about why we may be called to experience trials malachi 3 3 he will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver this verse puzzled some women in a scripture study class and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of god one of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next class that week the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work she didn t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver as she watched the silversmith he held a peice of silver over the fire and let it heat up he explained that in refining silver one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities the woman thought about god holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver she asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined the man answered that yes he not only had to sit there holding the silver but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire if the silver was left a moment too long in the flames it would be destroyed the woman was silent for a moment then she asked the silversmith how do you know when the silver is fully refined he smiled at her and answered oh that s easy when i see my image in it posted by jenny at 10 35 am 1 comment monday january 10 2011 bad things good people why why do bad things happen to good people sometimes it s hard to wrap my head around this especially when it comes to my faith we are taught that if we live righteously and do what we are supposed to do then we will be blessed okay that sounds great in theory how then do you explain why horrible things happen to good people i did everything i was supposed to do and my son still died why was i not righteous enough i remember wrestling with these ridiculous notions after parker died why are some parents faced with the trial of burying more than one child it is so hard for me to see good people suffer through horrible afflictions i just want to fix everything more than anything i wish i could suffer for them so they wouldn t have to feel the loss the longing the horrible pain nobody should have to lose a child nobody should have to feel that ache let alone have to suffer through it twice a friend of mine buried her baby boy about two years ago and for whatever reason heavenly father just called her second child back to heaven another baby born premature why she is the most loving giving serving person i ve ever met she lights up the room she will be an amazing mother when she finally is given the opportunity to raise a child why would heavenly father take a baby away from someone so utterly amazing it hardly seems fair but then i look at the eternal view of things i already know that infants who die are the choicest spirits of our heavenly father all these choice spirits needed to pass this earthly test is to receive a body that s all they just needed to receive a body i can just imagine our premortal existence i can picture these sweet spirits they knew they only needed a body and we were honored to give it to them i m sure my friend was at the first of the line to say i ll have the honor of giving you a body i still don t know why bad things have to happen to good people however i do know that those bad things have the opportunity to make us better people stronger people more righteous people i also know that when we experience bad things it makes us better able to have empathy towards others we are better able to comfort others and console them and if i can make one person s burden even the slightest bit lighter i am overjoyed i love each and every one of my friends who ve lost a child i feel so close to them i ve also made many new connections because of my loss it s amazing how close you can feel to someone who s gone through something similar it s amazing how the lord brings these people into our lives the lord does love us even if we re called to experience something awful heavenly father loves us and is aware of our torment he will never leave us alone he is with us every moment of every day we are in his every thought and he will never ask us to bear more than what he knows we can handle although i can t say i m thankful my son died i can say that i m thankful for what i ve been taught i m thankful for the people i ve met i m thankful for the strength the lord gives me even now i can see many wonderful fruits of my trial and though i m nowhere near where i should be losing parker has brought me closer to heavenly father parker has given me a goal to reach for i must live my life as best i can to be worthy to be with him again posted by jenny at 10 19 am 1 comment wednesday june 16 2010 pregnancy i am very grateful to be pregnant again and i feel even more blessed to be having twins however there is one thing that i just hate about being pregnant when you are pregnant suddenly everyone wants to know how many kids you have i hate it people usually ask it in the form of so what number does this pregnancy make i get asked questions like that at least 4 5 times a week and that s a lot for someone who s stuck at home on bedrest in between doctor s visits and testing at the hospital everyone is always so curious i usually try to avoid completely answering the question i try to make it simple on everyone i usually say i ve had two before this and then hope they don t ask any more questions however they usually do oh so how old are your two at home ugh now i m forced to explain that my first was stillborn at full term and that i just have my one daughter at home who is 3 years old i hate the reaction because then there is the awkward silence sometimes they ll say oh i m sorry that must ve been hard yes of course it was hard being pregnant makes me think of parker even more than normal i m forced to talk about him more i definitely don t mind talking about him but i hate that he comes up so casually and so often to random strangers i cherish my memory of him it was a very special experience to me so i hate having to sum the whole situation up in the sentence my first was stillborn i d prefer to talk for hours about how wonderful and perfect and beautiful he was i d love to show pictures and explain how amazing it was to hold him and how i ll get to see him again someday rather than just shrug him off as some small trial i went through years ago i still miss parker and think about him every day i will always think of him everyday i refuse to leave him out of our family when people ask about our kids he is my son and he is sealed to me forever why on earth would i leave him out posted by jenny at 12 42 pm 2 comments tuesday november 3 2009 what should i say what should i do people often ask me what they can do to help someone who has lost a baby i thought it would be a good thing to post about here are some of my ideas ideas for what to say do when someone has lost a baby some ideas compiled from now i lay me down to sleep say something when we lost our parker there were so many people who didn t dare say anything to us because they didn t know what to say friends would avoid us if they saw us at the store you don t need to preach to us or say something profound usually what means the most is we re thinking of you or you re in our prayers or we love you and if you really can t think of anything to say just hug us and hold us we ll feel your love don t avoid them i know it s hard to know the right words to say but just being there for them so they can cry on your shoulder means more than you ll ever know please don t say that you know how we feel because you don t unless you too have also experienced the death of a child and if you have please share your story with them and be patient while they share theirs it s great that people say let me know if you need anything but let s be honest here most people are not going to call you even if they really need something you need to take the initiative and just do something when our son died one friend called me and said i m bringing you a soda and a candy bar what s your favorite kind other friends rented some movies for us to watch and brought us some homemade popcorn these two things meant the world to me take the initiative and just do something for them if you are running errands call to see if they need anything from the store let them know that the death of their baby affected you also validate their child s life let them know you are sad let them share their story with you over and over again if necessary sometimes they need to keep going over the details until they seem real send them a card let them know you are thinking of them and care about them give them something with their child s name on it an ornament a magnet a figurine seeing or hearing your child s name means the world to any parent but especially parents who have lost their child if they have other children please remember them the siblings will be grieving also offer to take them on an outing because it takes some time for the parents to face the reality that life goes on please arrange meals for the family not only did they just have a baby but they are also grieving cooking will be the last thing they want to worry about remember the baby on his her birthday mark the birth date of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call it makes me smile when people call and say i was thinking of parker today it means so much to me when people remember his special day just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gives me comfort offer to come over to throw a load of laundry in the wash or other light duty house work give a gift basket just for mom bubble bath shower gel stress relieving soaks candles etc you could also give lounge clothing and a box of chocolates or other sweets plan a pamper night for the mom a good friend of mine said we re giving you a make over and they cut my hair colored it and made me feel like a queen again if you think about giving them a call or stopping over for a visit don t think about it just do it i can t tell you how many people i ve had come up to me and say i wanted to call you or stop by but don t tell them their child is in a better pl ace how could anywhere be better than in mother s arms although this comment is well intended it can still hurt more than you know acknowledge their pain also acknowledge their strength many people would try to minimize my experience by saying at least you didn t get to know him that would have been worse or they d say things like he never took a breath oh then he wasn t alive or at least you can have more children any mother can tell you that you love your child like crazy before they are even born and any mother who has felt a child move inside her can attest to the fact that her child is was in fact alive and no matter how many children you have you can never replace the one you lost i appreciated those who acknowledged how hard my loss was for me and also complimented me on how strong i must have been to get through it give them helpful books if they are religious buy them a book that pertains to their beliefs and that will offer them comfort find quotes from their prophets and church leaders that will help them through write the baby a note i know it seems weird but at my son s funeral we had people write letters to our son and then we kept them i love being able to read back on them now it also helps solidify that my child was real and that others loved him too just be there for them let them cry when they need to cry hold them when they need a hug don t run from them when they shed their tears it is a difficult thing to ask but it lets them know you care i m sure there are many many more helpful things you could do to help someone who has experienced loss these were just a few ideas hopefully they will help you help others please feel free to leave comments and offer more ideas suggestions for things you ve done or for things that have comforted you posted by jenny at 1 32 pm 1 comment friday september 4 2009 when hello means goodbye five years it s been five years to the day since my son became an angel my sweet parker it s almost crazy to still be feeling this overwhelming love for my son not crazy to me but maybe crazy to some after all i never got to meet him outside of the womb i never got to hear him cry i never got to see him smile i never got to see his beautiful eyes look up at me and yet i love him as deeply as purely as completely as i do my hayley my heart bursts with the love i feel for parker especially today on this day every year i let my guard down i allow myself to be vulnerable i let the pain back in along with that i am able to feel the emotions from that day again both good and bad i go through his box i look at his pictures and i read all of the old cards letters and his obituary i allow myself to cry some years i will listen to his graveside service but most years i can t bring myself to do it some emotions are better to stay distanced from i never would have imagined that the day i first met my son would also be the day i d have to say goodbye to him i never imagined that i d be saying hello and goodbye in the same breath it s hard to wrap my mind around the idea that he would be five years old today he d be playing t ball and soccer he d be teaching his little sister how to pump her legs on the swings he d be waving goodbye to me as he left for his first day of school i know that i will see him again and for this reason i rejoice i still miss him like crazy though and i love him with all of my heart i love you parker always forever no matter what happy 5th birthday in heaven my sweet son posted by jenny at 1 31 pm no comments monday july 27 2009 please don t tell them please don t tell them you never got to know me by pat schwiebert it is i whose kicks you will always remember i who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy i who couldn t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up it is i who acknowledged your craving for peach ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly i who went shopping and helped you pick out the perfect teddy bear for me i who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire it is i who never had a doubt about your love it is i who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant posted by jenny at 4 31 pm 4 comments monday june 15 2009 little hands when my son died i was given a precious gift a lady in town made a plaster cast of parker s hands i was so grateful for this gift because it was something tangible that i could ...