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partly broken skip to main skip to sidebar partly broken sunday november 30 2008 false re starts and stuff for anybody who has bothered to come over and check me out here at partly broken i just wanted to let you all know that i decided to start blogging again at the place it all began stony planet please come see me there posted by reasonably prudent poet at 8 29 pm no comments thursday november 27 2008 not a bad thing at all lest you think this partly broken thing is morbid or defeatest let me remind you what chogyam trungpa said in shambhala sacred path of the warrior he said that the warrior should have a broken heart so that he can feel the suffering of others and have compassion i m pretty sure that s what he said that s what stuck with me after all these years i remember imagining that broken heart and recognizing my own desire to strengthen my defenses to become more rigid and to reinforce the walls of my protective figurative fortress i thought about how we re probably all broken hearted already we just don t like to admit it or feel it or live it so i guess i looked inside my fortress walls and found my broken heart and figured what trungpa was saying was that i should let myself feel it a little more because it would maybe make me a better person i mean we could argue about what a better person is but let s not squabble over petty details posted by reasonably prudent poet at 3 16 pm 2 comments monday november 24 2008 sometimes the effects are dramatic when i was in high school i had a best friend i called sunshine she was sweet and quirky and scrawny and her dad was abusive and horrible he was like some cartoon monster diabolical and selfish paranoid and mean he beat her up called her a whore read all her journals and letters crammed all her stuff in garbage bags and told her she had to leave then changed his mind and told her she could never leave etc etc he was awful then he had a stroke after the stroke he became this big sweet teddy bear he was a little dopey he was kind he was friendly and warm he was like a completely different person or perhaps the stroke knocked out one part of him so that another part could shine through maybe the teddy bear had been there all along just smothered all his life by the big horrible monster who knows either way he was partly broken and it worked out pretty well for everybody including him posted by reasonably prudent poet at 7 28 pm 2 comments sunday november 23 2008 the wounded well yesterday i looked at my throat in the mirror and saw a big lump full of puss i decided it was strep so instead of loading up the car with dirty clothes and heading to the laundromat i loaded up the car with dirty clothes and headed to kaiser urgent care when it was all said and done at kaiser i was told i didn t have strep i had an aphthous ulcer from stress i was also told my blood pressure was slightly elevated 131 75 the urgent care doctor and the assistant who gave me my discharge paperwork both looked at me in a sad sort of way and told me to take it easy to get some rest i felt sorry for myself for about three hours while i did the laundry and perseverated on the state of my failing health an ulcer from stress i felt understandably stressed out by the news and i called my girlfriend and told her i wasn t going to be able to make chili for dinner this was a small problem because i d promised to make chili for a dinner guest an old friend of my girlfriend s who was in town after a 15 month absence i d promised to make chili before i realized i would spend a chunk of my day sitting in the waiting room of kaiser s urgent care finding out i had a stress related ulcer in my mouth my inability to make chili threw an extra burden on my girlfriend who is in grad school and is trying to do homework this weekend she tried not to let it show she said it s no big deal i ll order pizza don t worry about the chili it ll be fine because she was worried that i d be worried etc etc and perhaps i d develop a few more apthous ulcers these ulcers were sounding pretty horrible really and i could swear i felt my blood pressure rising even higher just thinking about them anyway imagine my surprise when i finally got home and looked up aphthous ulcer online canker sore if the guy in urgent care had just said canker sore i wouldn t have taken it all so seriously canker sore sounds much more manageable than apthous ulcer much less dire unfortunately finding out i had a canker sore not some kind of rare stress induced ulcer did not provide the relief you might imagine i came home to find my girlfriend frantically cleaning the kitchen and cooking twice baked potatoes because it turns out she barely has enough money to cover rent this month much less to buy us a pizza for supper i was supposed to clean the kitchen but she didn t want to add to my stress so she cleaned while she cooked meanwhile she probably developed a few apthous ulcers of her own while cooking twice baked potatoes and worrying about the homework she wasn t able to do so i decided i hated myself for being so ridiculously incapable of doing a little laundry and making a little chili these things aren t so difficult if i hadn t spent the day worrying about my apthous ulcers if i d instead known from the beginning they were just canker sores now the next day the disgusting lump in my throat for which there are no medications no antibiotics no doctors orders besides eat well take a multivitamin get plenty of rest is still there still hurts my chest still feels constricted and i still feel like screaming my life isn t that hard i m not sure how i started down this path i ve had full time jobs for most of my adult life i ve been incredibly poor i ve had money problems i ve had relationship problems i ve been a full time law student i studied for the bar i ve never developed stress related ulcers before even if they are just canker sores why am i melting down right now i like the idea of being partly broken i think we re all partly broken we just don t always realize it or we don t like other people to know i wish i could wear a patch on one eye or walk with a cane so everyone will know i m partly broken maybe they would cut me some slack my boss is definitley partly broken but she never cuts herself any slack and i think my proximity to her and her obliviousness is what s making this the most stressful time of my life when this moment in time has good competition in the general scope of my life events she is brutal to herself and she s slowly becoming brutal to me and even where she isn t directly brutal to me her self inflicted brutality rubs off on me a good example lately i really feel like hurting myself i mean i feel like a coiled spring is about to explode deep in my body and i often imagine that if i could just smash a glass bottle over my head or ram my head through a window or crush a can against my forehead i often imagine that these things would somehow help relieve the pressure or relax that coiled spring it s brutal i have the desire to be brutal to myself i blame my boss but that s just the first step i can t do anything about her i ve got to figure out how to manage my life as a partly broken individual partly broken means i m not a robot i can t just charge ahead at all costs i can t ignore my body symptoms i can t forget to eat or sleep i can t pretend my feelings don t matter being partly broken means i can t look at other people and say if they can do it why can t i do it i can t look at my boss who will come in to work a thousand hours extra even when she s really sick even when she s in pain even when she s having life crises she ll come to work no matter what i can t look at her and say that s what she does and that s what i m supposed to do nope i m partly broken and i need to take better care of myself maybe you ve got a better word for it maybe you don t like partly broken i don t know what to tell you i m all ears if you have suggestions posted by reasonably prudent poet at 12 05 pm 4 comments home subscribe to posts atom followers blog archive 2008 4 november 4 false re starts and stuff not a bad thing at all sometimes the effects are dramatic the wounded well about me reasonably prudent poet only simple and quiet words will ripen of themselves tao teh ching view my complete profile