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to friend 2 and sent son2 out to knock on the door i wasn t making that mistake again and nope another knock back as he wasn t ready either off i went to friend 3 who was actually waiting at the door impatiently i finally rounded all of them up dropped them at the paintball and waited for the call to go and collect them oh partyspanner is dead lovely po is no more he died an hour before his appointment with the vet for the big injection a gentleman to the last we still miss him but hey we have a new wonderful amazing addition to the family my gorgeous funny granddaughter robyn we ve weathered plenty of storms to get to the place we re in at the moment but each raincloud has been worth it because i get to spend some time with this fabulous new person stubborn as an ox funny as a meercat and on top of that i get to spend some time planning some actual parties again and oh such parties i plan posted in uncategorized 1 comment choux choux be doo oct 7 posted by party spanner i got it into my head that i wanted to have a bash at making some choux pastry the original plan was for prefitoroles but then i thought why make life easy why not have a go at some classic chocolate eclairs why not indeed i melted some butter in some water what weird before adding flour some sugar and a pinch of salt now for the beating i beat the flour into the wet mix until it formed a ball of dough only it didn t really form a ball it formed a paste and in my stupidness naiveness i thought that this would be ok i then let the paste cook off for a couple of minutes giving it a bash with the spatula now and again choux paste try if it looks like this it s wrong i removed the mixture from the heat before adding and beating in eggs the first egg was a double yolker what are the chances so then i was a bit confused about how many more eggs i should add plus it was chicken twins plus the yolks are important but so are whites so oh god this is nightmare i landed on the side of adding less eggs so i only beat in two more it s all looking a bit wet instead of thinking at this point this dough looks a bit sloppy i should probably stop adding liquids i beat in another egg which left me with this this is wrongo let s skim over the fact that i actually tried to shove this mixture into a piping bag and make some desparate eclair shape no covers eyes so i added some more flour to the mixture to make it more dough like i vacillated between putting the dough over the heat and cooking out the flour and doing something weird to the eggs or keeping the dough cool and not fucking it all up completely a mixture of the two seemed like the worst possible option so of course this was the route i took i managed to get a somewhat dough like substance and piped some strips onto a baking sheet lined with greaseproof paper there are no words other than oh no right if you ve followed this so far and are thinking oh it ll be ok then you really need to read the rest of my blog it certainly won t be ok and it certainly will make me swear a lot so you might want to bail out at this point if you are of a sensitive nature baked the fuckers the fuckers didn t rise the fuckers didn t brown the fuckers were fucked they don t look too awful do they well looks can be deceiving and i think some of them look like penis they were as flat as pitta bread once cooled there was no way they could be split in half and stuffed with cream disaster ding ding round two so i ve paid good money for cream and butter and chocolate i m not prepared to let the ingredients go to waste and so i start again mum told me that she d tried to make choux pastry for a dinner party back in the 70 s three times before she succeeded she said this while giggling behind her hands damn her butter and water boil the bastards flour in beat beat beat beat it oh yes egg in yay dough not doh 2nd egg in getting glossy 3rd egg whoa scarily split keep beating and it ll mix in ok final dough hmmm yellowy goodness arm aches into a piping bag with a nozzle in retrospect i would leave the nozzle off and pipe straight from the bag it s thick and pipey pipe the stuff not like penises except for that one that looks like a penis bake ignore the dirty the eclairs are rising ta dah comparison shot i whipped the cream oh nana rang mid whip so it s gone a little past it s best you can t judge me because i was being nice to an over 80 year old smug and then got on with the chocolate glaze so i decided to half the glaze and only make enough eclairs for 4 of us i can freeze four of the pastries half the chocolate into a saucepan with some water and then i forgot that i was halving the recipe so i shoved the full amount of icing sugar and cocoa power into a bowl and well disaster again a drop of water sorted that out chocolate icing i halved the buns there were three types the good the good the bad the bad eugh and the ugly um the buns were cut in half and piped with whipped cream hmmm mmmmmmm and then i topped them with the chocolate icing ta fucking dah here we go with an ostentaciouis picture naughty but actually annoying they are delicious though this is a scary shot the cream chocolate choux pastry devil eyes ominous silence you can find the recipe i used here posted in cooking 1 comment tags chocolate eclairs choux pastry have a look at my plums aug 22 posted by party spanner disclaimer yes i know plums are funny yes i know i have double entendred myself to within an inch of my life enjoy seasonal stuff going on here on partyspanner at the moment and so we turn to fruit in the back garden it s not yet time for the quince to fruit but the plum tree is groaning with goodness heaving with fruit rather predictably my mind turns not to plum tarts or plum jam although i am planning on making some spicy jam in the next few weeks but instead i have decided to make some plum schnapps yes yes i know i went on and on about blackberry vodka but the thing is it s easy to make and once again serves as a great drink to serve at christmas in for a penny in for a pound of plums as they say a handful of plums i used approximately 20 plums halving them and removing the stone before placing them into a kilner jar a work in progress and so the plums go into the kilner jar before being topped up with 70cl of vodka just gorgeous off this jar goes to a dark place to be occasionally brought out and shaken for at least 3 months it will join it s cousin the blackberry vodka in imprisonment i almost feel a bit sad farewell sweet soft fruits farewell sob i m planning on checking on these taste test obv in late november until then good luck to you my vodka friends salute posted in drinks 3 comments tags christmas christmas preparations flavoured vodka plum plum schnappes vodka the c word aug 18 posted by party spanner christmas wait before you run off screaming into the hinterlands of the internet just bear with me it s harvest season for blackberries now these little bubbles of jet are hanging from thorny bushes as we speak and they are not only taste great but they re free free all free these bushes tend to grow or rather not have been cut down near railway lines rivers or woodlands i found this lovely harvest in a local green space but i have already had quite a good crop from the bushes which grow right next to the office that i work in ree sult if you can t be arsed to go blackberry picking then you can buy punnetts from your local supermarket don t do this not free in fact very expensive i would estimate that my haul would have cost about 30 00 here it is cor i expect you re wondering what all of this has to do with christmas well the answer lies in the kilner jar oh yes we re about to make some blackberry schnapps using fresh wild blackberries aren t i the annoying food wanker this is such a simple recipe but it will need at least 3 months to develop and as the blackberry season is upon us it seems like some sort of madness not to listen to mother nature as she croons make some serious booze for christmas i m a listener so once you ve picked your blackberries and ignored any jeering or pointing that may occur they are going to need a very good wash i bung them in a colander under gently running cold water and gently pick up a handful at a time and give them a jolly good swish this fruit is crazy delicate so you must treat them as you would an elderly relative make sure the water is warm in their case though please er a bit more gently than this once you ve washed and discarded any berries that are a bit iffy then you need to dry them out a little bit just place the washed berries onto some kitchen roll and leave them for half an hour their fate awaits once the berries have dried off tumble them into a clean kilner jar i have filled mine 3 4 of the way full of fruit then pour on vodka as you can see i m still using the old cheap version honestly it s a waste of money to use more expensive brands secure the lid and leave in a cool dark place shaking occasionally a thing of beauty i haven t added anything else i am thinking that a vanilla pod would be nice and maybe some sugar but i m just going to let it be for a month before adding anything further why not join with me become become like me and make some booze for christmas even though it s only august do it do it posted in drinks 2 comments tags blackberries blackberry vodka christmas flavoured vodka food forage harvest chocolate honey cake it s out to take over the world jul 14 posted by party spanner after i had made the ruby wedding cake i decided to use up some of the left over marzipan i read a lovely recipe which used honey and little tiny marzipan bees as i still had some almond flakes left over as wings i was all over this recipe i didn t have the patience to allow my butter to come to room temperature in it s own time so i chopped it into little squares to cut down the warming time this might have been a factor in the disaster to come yeah it s another disaster i m not entirely convinced this method works i followed the recipe and beat the eggs and sugar followed by melted chocolate gently folding the chocolate give up at this point i then sieved cocoa powder into the mix before adding boiling water i m fully committed at this point fully fucked up enthusiastic sieving the batter seemed a bit runny i remember commenting on it s consistency at the time oh god for a time travelling delorian this don t look right excuse the blurry and then i had a cake ready for the oven ah it looks benign so into the oven it went and then i m not sure whats going on here but it continued in this weird bubbling over fashion for ages until the top of the cake turned into charcoal while the underbelly of the cake carried on lava like bubbling over dear god the cake had actually coated the tin in cake i love cake as much as the next fat person but a cake that turns the cake tin into a cake is verging on the ridiculous you ve got to admire it s balls so i do not have a happy ending to this cake it was awful and there was no going back see the bubbles that s honeycombe it was weirdly delicious it tasted like a crunchie bar but without all the friday feeling posted in uncategorized 1 comment tags cake tin cocoa powder dessert food melted chocolate the biggest scariest cake i have ever made jun 29 posted by party spanner i went to a hen night back in january and got fairly spectacularly drunk i m going to gloss over the worse of my behaviour but let s just say that it included sambucca and a waiter i offered to make a cake for a friend s joint 40th wedding anniversary and her husband s 60th birthday party i was full of my own ability and puffed up with the dizzying confidence of someone who s downed a bottle of rose wine and 3 shots of sambucca expansive arm gestures waved away the cake for 60 people and i just kept showing people my leopard skin shoes while claiming that cake making of that level is no problem hic i love you i d de be de delighted to make your cake look there s the wai hic ter less have anover shot yeah this isn t the first time i ve offered to do something drunk that i would usually shy away from but it is the first time it included baking so a cake to feed 60 people clearly i couldn t make something like my baby shower cake this one is going to have to be a bleugh fruitcake and fairly traditional thanks so much drunk me i owe you one the cake murdered my sleep for a couple of months i knew i was going to have to make this thing and i knew it was ambitious i mucked about on the internet for a while looking for a recipe and struggling to know how big a cake i should be baking when a friendly baker told me that i needed a 12 by 12 inch square tin so i rented a tin yup that s right i live in a world where i can rent cake tins from my local cakeporn shop suddenly the big day of cake bakery was almost upon me the night before i prepared the dried fruit i weighed out a ridiculous amount of ingredients that s just the raisins and soaked the ton of fruit in a mixture of brandy christ knows how old this shit is i found it in the back of the liquor cabinet and ameretto soaking it for 24 hours in cheap booze will do the trick after allowing the fruit to soak overnight i got on with baking the cake i actually had to buy a washing up bowl to mix the batter yes that s right i was actually making a cake that was too enormous to be mixed in a bowl i would do a shocked face here but i m still too shocked to even type it out i started by mixing a daft amount of butter with an equally weird amount of sugar and black treacle in my mixer hmmmm treacly and mixing it until it formed a light fluffy weirdly split looking goo i then added 12 eggs yes twelve eggs madness had overtaken me by this point and i vacillated between terrible fear and hysterical laughter as i cracked each egg into the frankly disgusting mixture the time had come for me to mix the wet ingredients with the dry and thus it was time to move to the washing up bowl yeah this looks kind of vile once the batter was mixed i poured it into a greased and lined rented cake tin cor note the newspaper and clips i got rid of those in a moment of lucidity i then baked the cake for about 3 weeks 5 hours actually until i was reasonably sure it was cooked through and then i had to turn it out of the tin this was nerve wrackingly awful honestly i cannot describe the terror of tipping this huge tin upside down and hoping for the best i also didn t even have a wire tray large enough to cope and had to use a clean oven tray i managed it though god it s utterly gorgeous this cake is quite blonde because it hasn t had time to mature i then went away and got drunk thought about the cake for a couple of days before icing the beast before i could start icing i needed to wrap this behemoth with marzipan i did not make my own marzipan what is marzipan made from i heated some apricot jam and brushed over the cake before rolling out the marzipan amazingly huge ball of marzipan i managed...