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past tense present progressive skip to main content search this blog past tense present progressive my story book reviews my favorite resources post archives more posts how i became everything i feared with no regrets get link facebook x pinterest email other apps october 27 2024 i still remember the person i used to be dedicated sincere very securely walled in behind my black and white beliefs an entanglement of republicanism and fundamentalist christianity that was all i knew i was that person listening to the sermon at church who heard that president bill clinton had covertly sold our country to red china and that increased persecution of american christians was in our future the threat of this persecution seeming more vivid and horrifying due to publications at my church like voice of the martyrs with its photos of tortured christians in china i was that person who prayerfully voted for george w bush as a newly registered voter affectionately framing a newspaper photo of him so i could remember to pray for him to do god s will as president i was that person who volunteered her time for pro family activism convinced that homosexuality was inherently wrong and destructive to society lobbying at the state capitol in califor post a comment read more emotional flashbacks from complex ptsd get link facebook x pinterest email other apps october 15 2024 i m an introvert and a bit of a homebody so during the early months of the pandemic why did i frequently find myself pacing the perimeter of my home like an agitated and caged wild animal feeling trapped and intensely desperate as if i had suddenly been transported back into the severe social isolation of my teenaged years as a fundamentalist homeschooler as a mom of two high maintenance kids with dramatically different needs from each other i provide emotional support on a daily basis for problems of all sizes so why did my nervous system frequently react to their big emotions as if there were a true crisis leaving me continuously drained with nothing left for myself it turns out that these types of experiences are called emotional flashbacks and they are a common symptom of complex ptsd through some recent therapy i found my way to a book that has been incredibly important to my childhood trauma healing process in fact from my reading i ended up post a comment read more my decision to try mental health meds get link facebook x pinterest email other apps september 29 2024 as someone with a lifelong history of anxiety also affected by the profound sleep loss that often accompanies new parenthood it took years for me to realize that i was increasingly unwell and needed professional help i told myself it s just that i have a very difficult baby who won t sleep and who was diagnosed with autism years later that seamlessly transitioned to our second baby two nighttime wakers two in diapers and two who needed constant supervision and exhausting emotional management nothing on earth was more important to me than their well being and i was lucky to have a caring husband actively sharing that load with me but my sanity was cracking more and more and i was stuck in a hyper vigilant obsession micromanaging the kids environment demanding the kind of impossible perfection from myself and my husband that doesn t just solve problems but somehow prevents them instead even then an awareness in the back of m post a comment read more from homeschool to college dealing with culture shock get link facebook x pinterest email other apps september 10 2015 there was always an expectation in my family that i would go to college both of my parents had a college education and saw its value and they didn t cave to the general attitude at our homeschooling cult church that higher education wasn t appropriate or necessary for girls even though my parents expectation was for me to attend an extremely fundamentalist christian college simply to get a skill to supplement my future husband s income if necessary that expectation was more than what many of my female peers at church had and i m grateful for it and unlike many homeschooling families in our circles my mom also put in the necessary work to make sure i wouldn t encounter any roadblocks on my way from homeschool high school to college she made a very professional looking and detailed high school transcript that included my gpa she signed me up for the chspe california high school proficiency exam so that i could have a legal high school 4 comments read more ex homeschooler fashion get link facebook x pinterest email other apps july 08 2015 as a former fundamentalist homeschooled kid one of many aspects of life that i ve had to do a lot of catch up in is fashion i grew up choosing clothing based solely on modesty which in my circles meant that i was shopping in clothing sections meant for the elderly and basically wearing fabric sacks often i had to make things for myself when even the grandmotherly clothing options failed me everything i wore was at least 4 sizes too big and several inches too short and i had no idea about choosing colors that complemented my skin tone no idea about hair no idea about makeup no idea about skin and nail care there are many wonderful people in the world who spend their time energy money on more important and lasting concerns than on their appearance and i have a lot of respect for them but this wasn t a choice that i had made for myself i had no choice in the matter because my family and the fundamentalist homeschooling culture around me told me th post a comment read more friendship and parenthood get link facebook x pinterest email other apps june 27 2014 many people find the beginning of parenthood marks the sudden decline of their friendships babies are constantly needy and deprive you of sleep energy and coherence toddlers when awake need constant monitoring and even their sleep must be prioritized in your schedule preschoolers are fast and fearless and can disappear in an instant because of a whim and for all of them their constant stream of needs and your constant stream of worries day and night can completely shut down your ability to think of any other topic but somehow although all of those things are true about my two kids that does not describe my experience and i m forever grateful for that because increasing my already unbearable feelings of isolation just might have killed me somehow in the haze of new parenthood i actually connected to a group of other new moms maybe it was because they were in a similar haze and we were all in the trenches together 5 comments read more memories from bill gothard s indianapolis training center get link facebook x pinterest email other apps november 10 2013 in my early 20s i had my first experience living away from home it was a really big deal me a weak vulnerable easily decieved woman according to the teachings of my family s pastor reb bradley out on my own flying to a faraway state i was going to spend a few months living and studying music at bill gothard s indianapolis training center itc was a tall drab brick building surrounded by a parking lot not much to look at but that didn t matter as i soon learned the people staying there rarely ventured outside i personally only went outside about once a month during my few months there in order to leave as a legal adult i had to sign out state my purpose for leaving and verify that i was not leaving alone or with a male peer for a walk in a parking lot or a view of a run down part of town the hassle wasn t worth it inside the building was where all the excitement and drama played out for me my time at i 5 comments read more more posts powered by blogger latebloomer contemplating my long journey from a childhood of isolation and repression to adulthood independence and happiness contact me at pasttensepresentprogressive at gmail com visit profile archive 2024 3 october 2 how i became everything i feared with no regrets emotional flashbacks from complex ptsd september 1 2015 2 september 1 july 1 2014 1 june 1 2013 9 november 1 august 1 july 1 june 1 may 1 april 2 february 1 january 1 2012 26 november 1 october 2 september 3 august 4 july 2 june 3 may 2 april 3 march 5 february 1 show more show less total pageviews