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Text of the page (random words):
beads it s going to go to the women s shelter i wonder what i would think if i knew i was leaving my apartment for the last time posted by sass 8 00 pm 3 comments saturday june 07 2008 charmed i m sure couple originally uploaded by kristalynn i was having beers in the afternoon sun with a friend lamenting our relationship strike outs i want something magical to happen to me like in the movies i said people aren t fantasies people are real he said we re faulty so far from perfect it s true i nodded as i for some reason remembered how the creator of ren and stimpy said that anyone was gross if you looked at them up close when my sister and i were young we lived in a tiny house on a military base it looked like the kind of house kids draw square with a chimney on the roof this chimney had a tiny door in the basement that i guess was to clean the soot or dead squirrels or something this iron door was about 6 inches wide and 4 inches high we were decorating the christmas tree when i wondered how santa could make his way through this tiny door i asked my parents my mom replied with something like santa s magic if he can visit every single house in the world in one night he can squeeze through our chimney i bought it but my dad replied with there s no such thing as santa clause i immediately felt very stupid really foolish that i had been duped into believing in something that was not real and then i realized that there must not be any easter bunny either my dad s excuse was that he didn t like lying to children in trying to regain the lost enchantment of my youth i get choked up when reading or watching anything fantastical one hundred years of solitude destroyed me and i always get chocked up when watching people s reactions to magic tricks and you may remember that pulling a rabbit out of a box on the subway was one of the more memorable moments in my life i recently opted to go to a yoga class instead of joining a friend for a movie while he waited david blaine just happened to be shooting a video what i exclaimed i was just blogging about him really that s so funny well he took my dollar and gave it back to me backwards he also set half of it on fire in a girl s hand i stared blankly i love david blaine you know well you missed him i m slowly and sadly realizing that i have to let go of my fantasy we are not characters in the sex in the city movie big is not going to show up and build me a closet people are imperfect and are subject to moods they also often have hair growing out of their ears trouble is not matter how often i get spurned i still cry when i watch david blaine turn a homeless man s cup of coffee into money i had been blogging about him but changed it to the more generic magic so that you wouldn t have to read david blaine 900 times posted by sass 10 03 pm 1 comments monday may 19 2008 for your thoughts lady in pink originally uploaded by kristalynn i once joked with a friend about that macy s day parade and how it precedes the biggest shopping day of the year if it s the biggest shopping day of the year how come i m not shopping i unfunnily said i ve been spending some time back in new york and today upon ill advice i went to century 21 i begged two people s pardons as i tried to get past a handbag display neither of the congesting parties heard me so i gently placed my hand on the shoulder of one of them the gay one he was yelling across a counter to a friend asking for advice on a special and unique item sorry can i get by i repeated he turned around don t push he bitched the little bitch i didn t push i d just like to get by there s like this much room i fairly demonstrated with my hands how much room there was had i tried to squeeze through this demonstrated space he really would have been pushed i m talking with my friend just wait i hated century 21 and promptly left purchaseless i sat in a coffeeshop on broadway to decompress and people watch it was a rainy day from beginning to end a homeless or an ex homeless man was collecting money for a homeless organization he was draped in a rain poncho but it was doing no good i was watching him not collect a cent i noticed that the jug into which people were supposed to put money had a little white paper cup over the mouth of it to protect the money from the rain i burst into tears posted by sass 11 34 pm 4 comments friday may 09 2008 three items of note that were shouted at me today cactus originally uploaded by kristalynn item of note 1 hey green eyed lady or grey eyes can t tell item of note 2 nice nips item of note 3 i d like to see your p ssy posted by sass 12 19 am 9 comments monday may 05 2008 from the ground up originally uploaded by kristalynn two days before christmas my boyfriend after nine years delivered some news that kept me up for weeks and kept me from eating nary a melba toast when you re holed up in your hairdresser s apartment in the dead darkness of winter starving and going mad due to insomnia the true gems in your life start to show themselves friends and family drove miles and miles to come see me while a local friend threw her house keys at me saying i didn t even have to call before i dropped in i m sad that as adults we ve lost the art of the drop by she said dropping by makes me feel desperate i replied we need a paradigm shift and must not see it as desperate but instead as footloose and fancy free she sat by me as i time consumingly ate a slice of pizza my sister and her husband flew me out to their new home on the quiet island of prince edward island in summer the place bustles but in the dead of winter there wasn t much activity but a snowstorm every second day it was perfect for me to lie in bed with a space heater aimed directly at my face why won t auntie get out of bed my three year old niece asked uncle g hurt auntie s heart replied my sister my niece placed her head into her hands as that old stinky cliche goes time does heal or something i started sleeping without narcotic aid and i started eating even if it was an entire bag of doritos severraal years ago when my boyfriend and i were still together gunshots rang out at 3am right after the club across the street closed it was the second shooting in two weeks this one being the retaliation before the end of the five shots and before i could finish screaming fuck not again my boyfriend had thrown his entire body on top of mine in some kind of movie type protection as the drive by car drove by we slowly got up and peered out of the bottom of the window we saw the body lying on the sidewalk if you ever doubt g s love remember how he charged at me and gary he was gonna clock us said a friend i had been showing my apartment to his friend for a potential sublet my boyfriend had stopped by and heard male voices coming from inside he charged down the hallway to defend my honor the dysfunctional club across the street closed shortly after the second shooting i heard that the guy lying on the sidewalk lived posted by sass 5 51 pm 0 comments tuesday april 29 2008 i ll take it margarita tat originally uploaded by kristalynn several years ago i mustered up the courage to ask a friend who was responsible for doing her hair it was much nicer than mine oh it s m she was surprised that i didn t know who do i know her she does the hair for the cast of the french version of the office oh she was out of my hair s league but i bravely asked for the number anyway m always seemed to run behind schedule for my appointments the first few visits consisted of me waiting on her red velvet couch having to listen to a 45 minute conversation between her and a metrosexual about the customization his fauxhawk his high energy and her enthusiasm drained what little i had when it came my turn to sit in the chair a pale pallid exhausted and ugly person stared back at me you dyed your hair too dark she gently counseled yeah i sighed the dark circles under my eyes seemed accentuated these awkward exchanges continued for months until one day when i showed up with a little extra energy and she wasn t running behind schedule you got a little sun and your hair isn t as dark you look good she said thanks i said i really like the dark hair on you though it works she proceeded to tell me how she saw felicity huffman during her recent trip to mexico i feigned thrill and noticed my smile lines and then she divulged a friend s sexual orientation temporary derailment i heard you had a breakthrough with m said my friend who gave me the number she had been waiting so long i gushed we talked about a momentary lapse of gayness i catsat and moved into her apartment when she and her boyfriend returned to mexico for 6 weeks and i even appreciated it when after trying to coordinate a sunny afternoon beverage through a facebook thread she barked nooo coffee at us did she talk to the metrosexuals like that someone cared about split endy me posted by sass 12 24 am 2 comments saturday april 05 2008 the embarra crush alexe and sosi originally uploaded by kristalynn not too long ago i revealed to a friend that i had developed an unfortunate crush on leonardo dicraprio it was due to the watching of blood diamond and the reason was his perfectly awful south african accent in late winter i noticed that a comedy writing workshop was being offered by a man who i have been triflingly stalking for a couple of years not for reasons of any accent but for reasons of his writing i was too scared to join alone so i forced a friend to sign up as well during the first class we all introduced ourselves there was sweater who declared that graph paper was the only way to go when writing down email addresses there was the angry russian journalist who could not understand the difference between kramer and jerry and the stand up comic who responded to statements like that can be a pain in the ass with and so s a greek with a hard on and finally there was the guy who could not stop mentioning warren buffet comedy class i don t want to read my story to these people i don t want to share any part of myself with these people stated my friend after one of the classes i was debilitated with guilt i m sure we ll be laughing about this in a couple of days hey do you think we should maybe call the police i m sure those jokes about the arabs and the jews constitute hate literature i think that guy has a goiter that s not just a double chin on another occasion my stalkee teacher decided it would be a good idea to present audio clips of stand up comedians to give us an idea of what s considered funny because it certainly wasn t our efforts he played a five minute bit on someone going on about hot pockets that weird microwave thing sweater anger and the closeted homosexual sat grim faced while every time the comedian sang the hot pocket theme i curled up in laughter but because no one else found it funny i suppressed my laughter which only made tears flow while digging my friend s car out of the snow after class i confessed how the singing of the hot pocket song made me break out into a sweat i got really cold when it ended she confided my knees almost gave out holding in my laughter made me pee i don t see how anyone could find warren buffet funny later that week i emailed the teacher with my concerns about the anti jewish anti arab sentiment from double chin the goiter is under investigation he emailed back saying that sometimes the attempt at comedy can be ugly he shall be stalked no more posted by sass 4 09 pm 9 comments tuesday march 18 2008 los cabos i m heading somewhere warm somewhere with tequila and sombreros and surf i ll be back soon to blog about leonardo dicraprio posted by sass 10 15 pm 2 comments tuesday march 11 2008 guest speaker unbeknownst to him soho dogs originally uploaded by kristalynn i recently wrote about high roads versus low roads and how i got very short term satisfaction yet long term malaise from giving in to unqualified temptation and taking the low road in spring cleaning my apartment and computer i came across an email from an ex boss an email that i will soon copy and paste into this post so that you can all learn how to act like decent human beings and not sloppy cheap spumante swilling be breasted man lumps about ten years ago i walked into an office for a job interview when the suave dark haired dark eyed italian interviewee and i looked at each other hardly able to muster the wherewithal to shake each others hands i knew i not only had the job but that we just fell in love our favorite thing was to go take really long breaks and get gelato he made me laugh to the core but i didn t permit anything to happen because he had a girlfriend of ten years his ten year relationship was assy as all ten year relationships tend to be but i told him that he would have to sort that out before anything could happen between us i wasn t going to be that woman essentially i wanted to see if he could grow a pair he went on a boys weekend and he told me he would soul search and come back with an answer this is what he wrote so here i am in undisclosed location well the boys got together the boys talked five mature men who seemed to spend a little too much time talking about oral sex but we won t get into that sordid tale i presented my conundrum albeit in a hypothetical manner and all these guys that always assumed that meeting another woman would just be a matter of feeling guilty about a brief but passionate sexual encounter were truly having difficulty wrapping their beer soaked heads around the possibility of falling in love with another woman and thus having to make a decision but to their credit they worked it through and came to the conclusion that the situation would indeed represent a pickle and that a monumental decision would have to be made everyone agreed that it would be impossible and foolhardy to pursue both avenues simultaneously in short everyone agreed with everything you said so i spent a lot of time gazing into the fire and staring across the lake and walking through the woods and looking thoughtfully at the stars and i just felt weary and sorta numb so no decisions have been made no action will be taken no changes are afoot maybe i ll snap out of it and spring into action or maybe i ll just plug along in this catatonic state indefinitely but at least i m thinking about it and questioning things i m sorry that i have to be so thick and slow i m an emotional half wit sitting around eating french fried pertaters and fixing small engines and saying uuuh huuuh to everything i m pretty disgusted with myself really i m not even feeling sorry for myself i m just disgusted with my brain and its pitiful thoughts that s what came out of the weekend i would have to i think go back even further than my current relationship to tear things down and rebuild i would have to spend time alone for a while i would have move away i could not i am beginning to understand break up one relationship and start a new one immediately so goodbye...