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st isolation drugs violence binge eating promiscuity and on and on now on it s own this is not a bad discussion but since i have been in the program i have been through making this list and talking about why we go towards these behaviors like 4 times and we never get to the part about what to do instead oh no i can t say never once we talked about ways to comfort ourselves and we drank hot cider ok well in my crisis time i am not about to start milling cider and i started to get mad like realy mad i recognized this feeling it was the same feeling i had in staff meetings at work when things were taking too long or when people misunderstand me or when i sat in a high school classroom and i felt rage rage at the waste of my time rage at the intern presenting for not moving forward rage that made my whole body shake i had to leave the room i sat on the floor in the hallway and put my ipod on and listened to some chanting and tried to just breathe i could not stop shaking when my advocate came to get me for a meeting we had planned it was obvious we were going to have a change of focus and he worked with me to figure out what i was feeling the potential reasons for it there was the possible immediate reason we were supposed to have a phone conference with my mother that afternoon but i didn t feel like that was why i was freaking out my state of mind felt really random and not connected to any identifiable thing i could not control my shaking and as i started talking i was crying in thinking back on the conversation now it s hard for me to recall the details i do remember that i was asked to keep eye contact and i found it almost impossible he was able to tie our talk in with his presentation earlier about emotions there were two things i wanted to do at that moment i wanted to rage and yell at people or i wanted to isolate and sleep fight or flight fear it s about fear fear of what i can t really put my finger on and i still felt more angry than scared but i see the connection we talked about the times in my life where i have felt in control of my life what was i doing at those times what can i take from those times to apply to my life now and i started to come down a bit and come down really is the right word i felt almost like coming off a bad trip more depressed than i have felt in days exhausted and worst of all scared that i just can not do this and i am not even sure what this is i don t know what i am trying to accomplish yes get out of my depression relearn how to deal with my emotions that part i am clear on but after that fuck i have no fucking idea at all comments 3 it s not all bad december 9 2008 filed under uncategorized elysium 9 15 am when i woke up this morning and went into the bathroom to draw water for a shower and found that there was no water to be had i said fuck it and got back into bed i started thinking it s always something and i just can t deal and slept for a bit i didn t sleep for much longer before calling the plumber to deal with my frozen pipes and making the decision to do something productive if i wasn t going to the hospital i grabbed a few garbage bags plugged my ipod into my stereo and started with the most obvious trash paper plates and cups packaging from various electronics scraps of paper dead flowers sitting in the same vase for months i grabbed a lighter and stepped over to the fireplace mantle to light some candles and incense and i noticed that i was bouncing to the music and i smiled i was feeling a little lighter today the incense i only burn one kind is nag champa if you are a hippie or if you practice yoga you probably know it heh have i mentioned that i live near woodstock ny hippie capital of the world after the water was fixed i started on a job that i am embarrassed to admit hasn t been done in months and months i cleaned the master bathroom now those of you who keep a relatively clean house would never have let any room of your house get to this state of course i hadn t been paying attention and the light was out the one small window had me showering with the door open for more light and if you are been reading this blog you know i had no heat until this past week my showers have been fast and really i was only showering so as not to offend those around me when i say i cleaned i mean the kind of cleaning where you put on an old t shirt and scrub seriously i have no idea the last time i did anything that resembles cleaning i know it s not really a big deal to most people but when you have been as down as unmotivated as i have been trust me this was huge the reward of course was a long hot relaxing shower where i broke out all the different soaps and things that smell good and exfoliants and this peppermint stuff for my hair that gets my scalp all tingly and i did latherrinserepeat like 4 times with different shampoos one corner of my tub has a seat and i sat and let the water just fall over me and didn t think about anything it was fantastic that isn t to say that the whole day was fantastic the frozen pipes making a big payment to the electric company so they wouldn t come turn off my power i had some unsettling conversations where i found myself unsure what to be thinking i m not feeling too well about missing today at my program this weekend i told myself that i was going to get there everyday and on time on the plus side i did get a lot done instead of avoiding the day by sleeping until 4 ok see that it what i am trying to do i am trying not to beat myself up about the shit i screw up and to enjoy the moments that don t suck i used to really enjoy life like almost every moment of it i spent time outside every day walking up the mountain near my house or snowhoeing in the park i d be outside like that for a few hours a day now i hardly want to leave my house there is this one summer i was doing a yoga workshop that was 3 hours a day and after that i would go walking up the mountain or around the lake and i loved it and i had energy to spare i try to think back to that version of me and i almost can t believe that was me i ve walked with a heavy backpack through cities where i didn t speak the language and now i don t even want to drive to the local store but my house smells like nag champa and my bathroom has light and is clean and i had the best shower that i have had in months things are relative here i m not gonna be at 100 for a while but right now even a little better is a really good thing leave a comment maybe i will sleep december 8 2008 filed under uncategorized elysium 8 12 am me waves sleepily from under the covers just in case anyone has been paying attention and wondering if i threw myself off a cliff the past few days have been less sucky which from my position is pretty good there s some stuff i wanna write about and i spent some time writing tonight but then i looked at the clock and decided that what is in my best interest at 3am is to go to sleep i have a couple of photos taking shape in my mind now and i have a tendency to say oh it won t take that long and then it s 6am i was considering a half of a half of a klonipin now before sleeping so that i don t lay there but i think i ll try to just breath leave a comment it s noon already december 5 2008 filed under uncategorized elysium 12 11 pm i didn t sleep well last night wait i think i mean the night before which still kinda of feels like last night because of my sleeping patterns when my mom called at 8 to help me wake up i told her i really didn t sleep well call me in an hour i can still make it to the hospital on time fast forward 4 hours and i wake up startled to the phone ringing asking the person on the other end not my mom what time it was noon he said oh shit turns out she did call me back at 9 and i told her i was getting up i don t even remember talking to her that time ok actually i am kinda proud of myself the day was half over why bother going in right but i scrambled out of bed anyway and got my ass over to the hospital the afternoon and most of the evening was ok ok being a very relative term here then i started thinking about stuff i think i handled it pretty well after venting to a friend i went to sleep it was like 10pm i think and that is really good for me but then i was up at 3am i came in world did some pics listened to some music was actually feeling not bad checked flickr don t you hate when the things you are trying to let go of just keep showing up i can get like a few hours of not thinking about shit i don t want to think about and there it is on the phone in a message in a song i might find a paper in a pile somewhere seeing my dad s handwriting really sets me off every single time i saw it a few weeks ago on a bag in the trunk of my mother s car i was helping her carry something and she opened the trunk and i saw the tag with our name and address and i lost it for a few minutes that means the bag is over 11 years old and she hasn t changed the tag i ve got a bag like that too but that pain is older and i know how to let it go through me and cry for a few minutes and then get myself together and move on the more recent the hurt the harder it is for me to let it go it comes in and it sticks around i have to laugh afer writing that it s 6 30 in the morning and there is one of those things now ahh at least in some ways life is predictable omg i was actually sitting here just expressing myself not getting too wrapped up in how i was feeling just observing and now here i am in the middle of it again my heart up high in my chest and like it s taking up too much space and all i want to do is get out of this conversation and get back into bed and catch a nap my days are like a roller coaster thinks she would like a photo for that but decides that 2 hours of sleep is more important leave a comment more about letting go december 4 2008 filed under uncategorized elysium 11 40 am ok ok i get something pain is going to be there i can not change the world around me or the people around me i can not bring back people i have lost or who have left me i can t change the bad things i have done or the bad things that have been done to me i can wallow in it i can try to force it away either way it is going to be there so i can spend a whole bunch of energy trying to fight and push or i can just let it be there and work on not being attached to it not let it control my thoughts and actions to letting it go i m not saying i can do it i m not saying i like it but i get it so usually the pics i do for this journal represent my rl this one is more symbolic and is based on the drawing i was doing in my very first post if you look real close you can see comments 2 sleepless december 3 2008 filed under uncategorized elysium 10 34 am when i get into bed before i am completely exhausted if there is even a moment to lay and reflect before sleep i start to think lately i don t really like to be left alone with my thoughts like that quiet and dark and vulnerable with the door of sleep so close but here you are on this side where thoughts can take hold and the next thing i know i am crying i am sad and angry i am mad at my self for 100 reason and i am mad at other people for 100 more i d like to get more sleep but it s become a habit that i am no longer thoughtful about i don t say i think i ll stay up till i am too exhausted to keep my eyes open i just do it when i think about getting into bed earlier i get that feeling again the uneasy one that says noooo um we don t like that how bout this over here instead and even if i am laying in bed i will put on a movie or check out flickr or some blogs until i fall asleep it s 5 30 am and out of the corner of my eye i just saw vixie log off sl what are you doing up so late missy i ll take a cue from her and try to catch a nap before the day begins comments 1 predictable meltdown filed under uncategorized elysium 3 11 am so i didn t make it in to my program today i look back and see how incredibly predictable it all was and someone who knows me watching from the outside would have seen me yesterday afternoon and said nope she isn t going in tomorrow trigger 1 yesterday i was supposed to go to the post office and pick up my mail and go through bills and figure out what is what but just the very idea of going to the post office and pulling that stack of mail that has accumulated for at least a month was enough to send my heart racing and my mind looking for any distraction it could think of i conveniently drove the long way home from the hospital i didn t go anywhere near the post office why did yesterday have to be the day for the mail because my mother is helping me to cover expenses during this time and she has been on my case to get my information together so she knows what needs to be paid and when trigger 2 so i didn t do it and i came home and mom had left a message asking me to call her and i didn t then she called again and i didn t answer because i didn t want to tell her i didn t do it her fourth or fifth call stated her intentions of showing up at my house the next day this is her threat now when i don t answer the phone for a full day she is going to get in the car and drive here this cycle of the phone ringing and me not answering and the phone ringing again a few hours later revs up my anxiety even more yeah i know just answer the damn thing easy for you to say i ve learned that when you are faced with triggers and are in crisis you have a few choices you can deal with whatever problem is causing the crisis or you can distract so i distracted myself by requesting some very revealing new outfits from on of my favorite sl designers and focusing my energy on a very cathartic and fun in world photoshoot perfect that takes a few hours to prep and shoot some time to process did some more picture taking watched kung fu panda for the hundredth time did some journal writing and closed my eyes sometime after 4am distracting yes but i haven t solved my problem and i created another one lack of sleep when my mother called at 8 this morning i did pick up the phone i told her that i didn t get to the post office before it closed yesterday but i promised i d get there today and yes i was awake and getting out of bed and heading to the hospital i then hung up the phone and went back to sleep until 1 in the afternoon so there is the cycle something i am supposed to do and can t pressure to do that thing that should be easy just a matter of will just go get the mail guilt that i didn t do it avoiding my mother i am 36 years old why do i worry so much about getting in trouble with my mother because i can t do this without her help i should be independent i should be able to go a few days without checking in with my mother but she is helping me so how can i do anything other than what she asks of me and round and round it all goes in my head till i can t think about anything except how simple it once was to live in a tipi oh but hey get this i didn t get to the...