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Text of the page (random words):
e language largely from textbooks rather than being a native speaker but she does now say ballon for ball allô when she answers a toy phone or a shoe or a pea dodo in proximity to her crib and oui with some regularity so yay for that our nanny who is made of sunshine and comes from guinea speaks to the pumpling and to me exclusively in french which is a huge help we re hoping down the line to send her to an immersion or dual language preschool and elementary school but we ll see how that goes school admissions in our area can be nuts alrighty then i m gonna post this puppy since it s taken me a mere three months and change to get it written sending love to you guys and special congratulations to my bloggy and local friend sloper on her pregnancy in addition i feel so damn lucky i m super looking forward to seeing roccie tomorrow as we re in her neck o the woods this weekend and to our visit next weekend from augusta and gummy hugs to all and extras to those who need them comments 6 comments categories uncategorized i m a dick for taking so long to post again 14 jan hi guys if any of you are indeed out there reading i ve thought of posting a great many times since my last ppd fueled missive and it would have been nice of me to have done so if only to let you know that i made it that sounds dramatic but there was a little while there when the thought going through my head was i don t want this life i felt so fucking trapped and miserable and incompetent and unprepared and everything shitty that can arise when a huge life change collides with some of your own stuff you didn t realize you d never dealt with or at least didn t think mattered anyway i m not trying to be cryptic but i don t want to rehash it all i spent a lot of the summer bouncing from one sort of therapist to another i think i detailed all that in my last post i am extraordinarily lucky to have been able to get that support and to have had both a husband with a flexible work schedule and eventually other childcare to give us both a break and allow me to do all the talking and acupunking and supplement popping that needed doing if anyone is in the nyc area and ever has any ppd issues or knows anyone who does i have some terrific professionals to recommend i started feeling noticeably better in july and better still in august going back to work in september was huge the first day i was back going to meetings before the students were back i was distraught but once i started teaching again things started to make more sense i m not a stay at home mom not now anyway i am tremendously impressed with those who are i m just not one of them i am so grateful to be able to work and to love my job although the commute still sucks i am a lucky lucky girl and the pumpling the pumpling she is beautiful hilarious wiggly loud bright and so much fun and she s almost 11 months heavens this is what you get when you put a rather diminutive 10 5 month old into 9 18m size tights a whole outfit there s a lot more i want to say in fact most of the posts i considered writing over the last many months were going to be about our nanny and entitled something like what a difference a dame makes which is also a play on her name but what s most important to me right now is getting something posted after all this time and so i m going to send this out to the interwebs it s good to be back take care of yous comments 9 comments categories uncategorized not the post i wanted to write 22 may i m not sure what to call this post i m not even sure whether to write it especially right now out in public as i m sure to burst into tears at one point or another in fact i feel them welling up even as i posit that they might i m not going to tell you globally what parenthood is like as though i know and those of you who are not yet parents do not i used to hate it when people did that when they told me what lay in store for me and warned me to get my sleep now then as though storing it up were somehow possible all i can tell you is how it has been for me that i am suffering from postpartum depression and some accompanying anxiety and that it suuuuucks i love my daughter to bits i know that she is objectively awesome and so cute it almost hurts i also know deep down despite the judgements to which i subject myself that i am a good mother but some combination of hormones and chemicals and this huge life transition is fucking with me i m seeing all sorts of professionals my usual therapist a mother baby therapist a psychiatrist who specializes in ppd an acupuncturist chinese medicine lady i ve joined a support group called mindful mothering i ve started taking omega 3 s i ve increased on my doctor s recommendation my lexapro dosage and am about to again and the new psychiatrist has recommended light therapy as well i just want to fucking feel better and stop being scared and worried and feeling incompetent i m sitting in a big coffee tea hangout place in my neighborhood i m here alone at almost 7 30pm on a tuesday the pumpling is at home with a babysitter she s home with a babysitter because i couldn t quite deal with being home alone with her while mr pumpkin is out with a friend tonight i m trying not to judge myself about this my mother went home on saturday after being here for 10 days during which while it was a strain to have someone in our space all the time i never had to worry about who was watching the baby i started feeling a little better last wednesday but over the weekend i hate to admit that this was right after my mother left felt as though i was just barely holding it together mood wise yesterday afternoon evening i was alone with the pumpling for several hours for the first time in at least a couple weeks and it was a little too much i hate that it felt that way today has been tough here s the part where i worry and judge myself i m afraid this is never going to get better although people keep telling me that it is i hate that i ve kind of missed out on this month of my daughter s life i hope i won t miss out on too much more i wonder whether i will ever be myself again i worry that my husband is going to tire of dealing with me like this and i don t know leave or find someone more functional and stop loving me my therapist is going to be away next week and i m concerned understatement that i won t have the support i need in her absence i feel broken i want to be whole i wish there were an instantaneous solution to this crap and that i could make it my own i m so fucking angry that i spent such a long time wanting and working to have a child and now i m often unable to enjoy it i don t mean that i think it s supposed to be fun all the time but i would like to be more present and less anxious as a lot of other moms seem able to be okay end worried judgey part if you re still reading hey thanks you may find it interesting to know that as i ve been writing this i ve been crying out of my right eye only weird here s some silver lining which i used to think of when i heard the phrase as a silver outline but of course it s the opposite all this therapy currently going three times a week and that s just to my regular therapist it s like day camp for my psyche is getting to some important stuff little baby me if that seems too new agey or something for you i get it but bear with me if you can didn t get everything she needed she was loved and materially very well taken care of but there were some things missing and i m only aware of some of that now that i have my own little one something about having a baby reactivated the experience of being a baby i ve heard this is true for a lot of women but of course i have no way of knowing there has been a sad lonely little girl in me for a long time but i ve been really good at pushing those feelings away really really good for the most part great coping strategy but not such a great way to really deal with my stuff but now i m busted wide open and ignoring little baby me isn t really an option this time will end up having been good for me in some fundamental ways even if it feels like shit right now i need to work through all this and i ve never had to before sigh so thanks for reading my former if blog is an odd place to write about this and i don t even know who s reading but i wanted to let you folks know where i am i ll leave you with a picture of my pumpling comments 32 comments categories uncategorized a fortnight of pumpling 1 mar to our sweet dear pumpling today you are two weeks old what can i tell you about you let s see 1 you are a boob woman big time ravenous efficient and growing like a well like a weed would imply that you ve gotten taller and we re not totally sure about that maybe more like a buddha we put you in a tupperware last night and weighed you on our kitchen scale which had you around 8 lbs 2 5 oz up from 7 lbs 6 5 oz at birth way to go girl 2 your periods of wakefulness are stretching out little by little we ve spent some lovely moments between meals and naps with you reclined 45 or so against my thighs or your daddy s our feet flat on the bed or ottoman you grab onto our thumbs and survey your surroundings or so it appears even if we ve read that you can only see clearly 8 12 in front of you 3 for some reason being on your changing table seems to frequently calm you down what gives pretty sure this won t last but for now we ll take it 4 your pediatrician dr o suggested putting you in your car seat to sleep and as you seem quite content in there we ve given it a go on the nights we ve done so you ve slept between three and seven hours straight at night we are so grateful guess all you re eating during the day is able to tide you over 5 the faces and sounds you make are fantastic often after a second sneeze your voice trails off in a little ahh that we want to record somehow but we never know when it s coming and right after you ve finished eating you take the most delicious stretches 6 the place you ve been most often in your first two weeks of life and where we are right now as i write this is starbucks three times the first time we had our eye on a table that was being vacated and were standing nearby when a guy walked in and scooped it out from under us even after i told him we were waiting for it your mama s not one to cause a scene luckily someone else offered us a seat the second time a stream of people walked by admiring how tiny and lovely you are one man even took a picture of you to send to his girlfriend and this is the third time pretty low key so far although busy and so hopefully not too germy i know i m supposed to worry about these things and i promise not to tell you the story of our every trip to starbucks on into the indefinite future 7 your nana and grandpa are coming to visit tomorrow and are very excited to see you for the first time since a couple days after you were born i ve been sending them daily pumpling photos and they can t get enough of you 8 your other grandmother b may be a part of your life after all even though she s been out of touch with your daddy and me for the last few years nana and grandpa are trying to lure her in with the excitement of her first grandchild no matter what happens sweet pumpling know that you are perfect and perfectly lovable and b s decision about whether to be a presence in your life has nothing to do with you grownups are silly sometimes 9 operation parle français à la pumpling is going pretty well so far i definitely talk about you in english more than i talk to you in french but it s coming along if i treat you as a french speaking baby then it s only natural that that s how i would address you i ve also learned the words for hiccup hoqueter or un hoquet i know my 8th graders would love how much that sounds like the word for hockey and burp roter un rot faire un rot and made up the following diaper changing song pumpling substituted for your actual name which messes up the rhyme but ah well je change la couche de la belle pumpling je change la couche de la belle pumpling je change ta couche parfois tu n aimes pas mais je change la couche de la belle pumpling 10 the magnificent bunny mr bunny and bun bun just sent you the sweetest bunny outfit and a bunny storybook no photo at the moment as it s at home and we re well you know where but they re delightful 11 your daddy and i daddy especially cannot wait until you start smiling apparently it s going to be another couple weeks but we re so excited love you sweetness your mommy comments 9 comments categories uncategorized a pumpling s arrival 20 feb and she s here the pumpling was born on thursday february 16 a little before 6pm i ve bullet pointed the birth story although some of the bullets are kinda paragraphy labored at home for 36 hours wore my headphones with hypnobabies tracks playing for the first bunch of hours kind of isolating for both mr pumpkin and me i was fairly convinced and i think mr p was too that the baby had turned posterior due to where i was feeling some kicks at the end of the pregnancy but also because i was feeling the contractions fairly strongly in my back a friend came over to order in with me tuesday night while mr p was working an event for natural winemakers week he works for a french wine importer and once the contractions started i got her to apply counter pressure to my back this was helpful for me but as our childbirth class instructor said you have to be careful what kind of physical support you give a laboring mama early on because it will become a necessary part of her coping later on the aforementioned is relevant because even with his cast off following torn ligament surgery the second week of january mr pumpkin still isn t operating with two arms he definitely doesn t have much use of his left thumb yet so my calling on him throughout tuesday and wednesday nights when our doula wasn t there to push on my back every few minutes was tricky for him he managed like a champ but it was hard i wasn t fully aware of this at the time speaking of the doula she was a big help but she wasn t always there when we needed her as i mentioned mr p especially felt the brunt of this and kept it totally hidden from me until after the birth late wednesday night i think it was i told mr p that i just wanted to go to the hospital and he basically refused me turns out he d been thinking the same thing but when he spoke to the doula she said we needed a couple more hours like the very difficult one we had just had before we went i think she thought that if we went right over that the hospital would send us back home mr p wanted to present a united front to me and so he just said it wasn t time yet although he had called the doctor who had said to come on in oy also occasionally overnight on wednesday early thursday morning i felt odd urges to push mr pumpkin s reporting this to the doula helped to convince her that maybe we were approaching readiness the contractions it was rough i was never abl...