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s and sunday mornings i started off using the bag the one that goes over your head like a poncho with pouches in the front and the back putting on that bag heavy and tight with newspapers was a skill that took me months to learn at first i would try to crawl under it stick my neck through the collar and stand up then i figured out how to use the bag s own weight to generate enough momentum to swing it up and over my head it was a fluid movement graceful i think and you had to commit to it otherwise that bag would hit your shoulder or rake the side of your head and you d have to try again the only thing i can compare it to is putting on a backpack carrier with a thirty pound toddler in it this is just like me except i had more freckles and less gumption also note how such a system requires constant rotation lest the back pouch become so much heavier than the front pouch that the carrier gets choked or pulled backwards off his bike or worse a guy in a van dropped the papers off on the sidewalk in front of my house the papers were delivered in a stack flat the way they look inside a vending machine bundled with a plastic strap that i could saw through with my house key i clearly remember the pop that the plastic would make as it snapped and fell away if it wasn t raining i would sit down on the sidewalk and fold the papers right there if it was wet i would haul the bundles up the driveway and fold them just inside my front door my pile of papers spilling off the cold tile onto the living room carpet leaving faint smudges of newsprint on the floor and being constantly tramped on by pets and people if anyone was perturbed by the sight of a muddy paw print on their front page i never heard about it the nice thing about working for a hometown paper was that it was small not a lot of news it could be easily tri folded like you would a letter but there is an ideal range of bulk for the tri fold too thick and not even a double rubber band will keep it in check it doesn t pack well and to throw it with any force is to risk a mid air explosion but too thin and it s like throwing a piece of cardboard or a playing card weak erratic unpredictable a good tri fold can be thrown like a frisbee one flick of the wrist and it sails in a straight line right up the driveway or the stairs depending on if you are delivering to houses or apartments on most days a tri fold was ideal but sometimes sunday was too big for anything but a sloppy bi fold or on holidays a tubular approach where the paper is rolled lengthwise without bending the spine and mondays were almost always so word hungry that a quadruple or quintuple fold was in order by the time you finished a quintuple fold you were basically holding a hard stick of newspaper in your hand a stick that could be tossed off sideways like a typical tri fold but that could also on extremely miserable or extremely rapturous days be thrown overhand like a baseball and travel at great speeds for great distances even right up to people s doorsteps and get you in trouble screenshot from one of my favorite original nintendo games paperboy at one point there were three paper routes in our household i had the streets in our immediate neighborhood as well as a stable of student dominated i grew up in a university town apartment complexes on lake boulevard three blocks away dustin my younger brother got the new development on the other side of the drainage pond that backed up to our house i say household because i have very nice parents in particular my father would often get up with us at 5 00 am on sunday mornings and drive while we threw papers from the back of his gold mazda pickup truck or hopped out at key locations to make pinpoint strikes into the apartment complexes this was the same pickup truck i drove through fields parks and pedestrian overpasses late at night the same truck whose beautifully textured vinyl seat i allowed to be burned by a rogue ash from a friend s cigarette the same truck i decked out with an alpine tape deck and hi fi box speakers behind the seat the same truck from which budding vandals threw leftover jack o lanterns christmas trees oranges and eggs the same truck sometimes when we were sick or otherwise afflicted he would even do the whole route for us we certainly didn t deserve that kind of a father somewhere along the way we acquired a bike with a big front basket ours wasn t quite this cool what we gave up in ability to avoid walls cars and bushes we certainly gained in coolness capacity and dignity one sunday morning i loosed a bundle of papers in the twilight and looked at the top headline a boy my age had been murdered his name was andrew mocus and he had been on my baseball team the year before he was beaten and then pushed into a passing train by another boy i knew and definitely feared i didn t know andrew as much more than a kid with the wrong friends from the wrong side of town there was definitely an east west class division in our hamlet and the dividing line believe it or not really was the railroad tracks anything could happen east of those tracks we knew that the only three fights i ve ever gotten in happened in fourth fifth and sixth grade when i was being driven across town to valley oak elementary school east of the tracks that morning i sat in front of my papers for a good twenty minutes silent and still if it had happened ten years later i would have been calling someone on a cell phone relaying the news in breathless tones as it was i was alone trying to remember andrew whipping a ball from third to first he had a good arm his hair was longish and stringy and he was skinny and tough his face is smoky in my mind i see dark features a bony elbow a sharp smile when i go home i am still a boy andrew also is still a boy but there was nothing wrong about him he got pushed into a train that s all rubberbands bags of them i loved holding big squishy plastic bags full of rubberbands thick rubberbands that smelled like wet asphalt and snapped like jaws about one out of every thirty would break and leave a small welt on the back of your hand sometimes one found your face i still like to shoot rubberbands at people especially my brother i gave up the paper routes in stages first i unloaded the apartment complexes delivering to apartments was always a hateful chore every complex had its own numbering system that never seemed to make much sense apartment 3a might be nowhere near 3f building 1 was next to buildings 3 and 4 with building 2 nowhere in sight the doors were too close together the whole thing just a little too intimate i preferred to be gliding down the street flinging the news with abandon no slowing down no harassing stares from nosy neighbors or tenants trying to squeeze past on the narrow walks with their laundry no pretty college girls looking at you like the paper boy that you are i gave the apartments to a man named richard he was married with a son my age and a college degree and his last job had been as a successful computer engineer he was 45 years old but with the cognitive abilities of a 12 year old he had been in a bike accident basically something hit the reset button in his brain and he had to learn how to be himself all over again richard and i as interpreted by these two professionals i walked the route with richard for several weeks we actually got along pretty well and shared some of the same concerns do girls like me what is the best kind of candy do farts ever stop being funny but then i would remember that he was 45 with whitish hair and a son i had seen big with tom hanks and i knew things couldn t possibly be that easy i was 14 years old but in full ownership of those 14 years having lived each one of them in their proper order it didn t take long to see that richard was living in the interstitching between universes too old to be chucking newspapers and too young to be anything else a paper man it seems strange to me that less than two years after i delivered my last paper i was hired as a high school intern at the davis enterprise to file photos type letters to the editor and write the occasional feature article it seems logical i know but i still don t see the thread seriously i wanted to swim with dolphins maybe there are residual ink particles in the decision making part of my brain it s not like i entered into this love affair with newspapers wallowing in their black and white idyll dreaming about moving from the streets to the editorial offices when i quit i left nothing behind i was going to be a scientist though i always did like to read the san jose mercury news at my grandmother s kitchen table with a plateful of donuts and i did make some hilarious newscasts with my parents video camera complete with skycam footage of a lego car accident fake anti diarrheal commercials and the inexhaustibly humorous trope of anchormen picking their noses but i never thought i would end up in a newsroom i just answered an ad in the paper that s all posted by joe at 7 07 pm 8 comments friday november 06 2009 on remembering a wedding photo of my parents my father doesn t really do facial hair but there he is in his wedding photo with a mustache a nice one too the color of september though it was only june fading gold a final bronze punctuation mark he is wearing a white tuxedo and i don t have the picture in front of me but i swear there are ruffles in there somewhere maybe on my mom s wrists they the two of them look like a perfect match two eyes two ears one nose each hair like fine wool i never had hair like that she is thin arms bowing in blithe symmetry hands meeting at the navel clasping a shock of white roses she glints like a piece of quartz she is absolutely real right then this picture more de facto more present than my most recent memory of her her face is the face under her face a face i ve never seen these are not my parents of course they are protagonists in the story of me they eat coconut ice cream and lie about for hours and read novels they motor around in old cars and hike mountains and wash each other s hair and cook together tossing ingredients across the kitchen leaving the dishes until morning they play frisbee argue about politics curse loudly and laugh louder they stop to help strangers on the side of the road they have dirt under their fingernails but they smell clean and raw like limes or fields of alfalfa they know people they have friends in mexico and canada sometimes people will visit and stay for weeks my parents just smile and pull fresh linens out of the closet in the hall downstairs there is an open window where a cool breeze hurries in and tangos past the pot belly stove up the stairs to the loft where they sleep gracefully on a mattress on a worn oak floor they are professionals actors or models posing for pictures while my real parents are getting dressed in the bathroom my mom is sweating her make up is starting to cake up and she is dabbing her face with toilet paper my dad is in his undershirt bent over the sink with a safety razor scratching at the hair under his nose shaving off that mustache at the last possible moment right before the music begins to play and the guests file in and the world is born and practice is over posted by joe at 12 54 pm 11 comments sunday june 14 2009 it s a poem son i recently put a poem in the latest online issue of anti poetry one of my favorite online poetry mags and it s legit the poem truth be told is kind of a departure from my usual haunts but i like it and happily someone else did too check it out the poem and bio here and then stay and poke around a little bit http anti poetry com posted by joe at 10 51 pm 9 comments friday december 05 2008 guilty pleasures episode two it s time for the next installment of guilty pleasures click here for episode one and the basic premise today s theme age of innocence old school hip hop okay so not old old school and not so innocent but oldish let yourself drift back back to a simpler time back when the words gangsta rap were just a phlegm ball in the back of dr dre s throat and let these three prime selections serenade you as you linger on the interwebs finally it is interesting to observe several things that tie these tracks and artists together 1 storytelling rap at least some mainstream rap like tone loc and will smith had this thing for telling long cheeky stories about mishaps and misadventures rap is still a narrative medium but it is often hard edgy braggy and in your face ll cool j s mama said knock you out not to mention easy e and nwa is kind of a precursor to all that but compared to much of contemporary rap and hip hop will smith s parents just don t understand astounds me in its kind of wide eyed countrified middle class tameness that could be due to smith himself as an artist at that point in his career or the fact that these artists are being promoted by major labels with certain target audiences and the resulting self censorship requirements 2 all three of these rappers went on to launch extensive acting careers although i think it s safe to say that smith s is a bit more successful and respectable and don t forget to vote for your guiltiest pleasure and then comment on your criteria for voting sentiment shame deliciousness mmmmmmm tone loc funky cold medina okay this could be kind of creepy but please note that it s from the pre roofie era remember innocence and a careful examination of the lyrics reveal a fair amoung of raciness caution sensitive readers but no malintent on tone s part just good old fashioned fun tone loc s voice is indescribably cool a voice that turns every word into gravelly butter this is the 80 s and i m down with the ladies and many many other lyrical gems abound look for tone in classics like surf ninjas spy hard and ace ventura pet detective tone loc funky cold medina found at skreemr com ll cool j mama said knock you out explosionsssss and lyrics that ll make you call the cops in 1991 it worked for me and let s face it it still does definitely working in a diffent sub genre than loc and smith and nice abs dj jazzy jeff and the fresh prince will smith parents just don t understand hey mr big film star what do you have to say about this just enjoy although for some reason embedding for this vid has been disabled by you tube so you get a link instead and if you still want more here s in living color s very funny parody of ll cool j posted by joe at 9 11 am 8 comments saturday november 22 2008 one man losing machine utah s mvp makes you scratch your head mr one look the whole field is my blind spot i only have eyes for collie max hall i ll throw you under the bus tonight but we can be friends again tomorrow posted by joe at 8 29 pm 3 comments thursday november 20 2008 oh awwwww i m sure many people have heard of the astronaut who lost a tool bag in space the other day but i just wanted to say the more i think about it the funnier it becomes observe you train your entire life yo...