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Text of the page (random words):
e and jacob both giggled nervously because it turns out that she had sucked jacob first but it hadn t worked to get rid of all the static the laughter infuriated me and i shouted that she had to f ing put that acrylic shit away and that she could take a ball of wool out of my stash if she needed something to do with her hands there was definitely an subtext of ugly elitism in my directives jacob is a hero because he stopped letting me sit down between contractions and began making me walk the hallways he walked backwards and i leaned on him as i shuffled i negotiated breaks because i was so tired but he never let me stop for too long i wasn t very nice about this either but i think i was beginning to sound pathetic too finally i moved to all fours on the couch but we were stalled at contractions every 3 5 minutes and the midwives had said not to come in until we were 3 minutes apart similar to the corner i had turned at my mom s house i began to feel an urgency to go to the hospital this did not make me feel more warmly toward my life and love partner who was tracking me with his phone and telling me it wasn t time to go yet also you know how you have amazing ideas right before you fall asleep but all you can remember in the morning is that you had an idea not the idea itself this was happening to me in between contractions i was starting to realize that i was clenching my pelvis at the end of contractions and that this felt inappropriate somehow but the pain would come again and i d forget so when jcob left the room for something and susan whispered conspiratorially that if i wanted to go to the hospital we could go whenever i was ready it was like hearing the unthought known it was time we called the answering service and when we didn t hear back in 15 minutes i insisted we call again a labor and delivery nurse called back immediately and asked to talk we me personally i was in the middle of a contraction dropped an f bomb and apologized at the conclusion it s amazing how being in the presence of a woman who sounds like a middle aged african american makes me forget all my liberal beliefs about language and remember to be respectful she laughed and said that it sounded like i should come in i asked in a worried voice about waiting until the contractions got to 3 minutes and she told me not to worry about it with that i had a plan we got loaded into the cars and headed out 20 minutes later my husband dropped me at the front door and he and susan went to park their cars in the lot at my hospital you don t go throu the er but to another door that is unmanned except for a buzzer as i waited in the darkened foyer for an elevator a contraction started just as the doors opened and a custodian wheeled his cart out poor guy i shrugged off his offer of help much more kindly than i did the stoner s though no one came to meet me at the door to the delivery ward so i buzzed again and walked an interminable distance down a hall alone stopping twice for contractions and recorded on jacob s phone which i had been clutching since we left the house i had another as i checked in at the nurse s station they put us straight into a room bypassing triage it seemed quiet on the floor in general however the midwife on call was in another room assisting a delivery so it was just the three of us settling in with the nurse that i had talked with on the phone once i had changed into my own nightgown she asked if i felt the need to push and i told her i didn t know what that felt like since i had a major epidural the first time her description of the the biggest most painful bowel movement of my life didn t resonate so i said no they wanted me up on the bed to do a 20 minute fetal monitoring as part of the routine check in and as she set up the equipment and tried to get the straps around me jacob was setting up my ipad and the speakers according to me instructions he asked how to set it on shuffle during one of my contractions and i growled that apple was famous for intuitive user experience couldn t he figure that out himself like i said i just did what my basest instincts led me to do jacob and susan conscientiously chose grace and forgiveness they are the heroes he also complained that i wanted the music too loud and couldn t he turns it down which tarnishes his armor a little but i m willing to let that slide upon reflection the was trying to find the baby s heartbeat up near my belly button and getting nothing but silence it took me a little while to register that this should worry me so i asked susan if i should be worried the nurse answered with reassurance it turns out that the heartbeat was all the way down by my mons and she had to painfully hold the monitor there amidst my bucking and rolling with the pain which seemed to be slamming me i was clutching the rails of the bed pushing my forehead into the grooves of the built in tv speakers they wanted me to roll over to help them get a better angle on the monitoring and that was brutal but i made it and clutched the other side like someone who can t swim clutching the other side of a short flailing across the kiddie pool at this point the nurse did a manual exam and things escalated quickly at that point i guess that baby was crowning and jacob and susan could see her head no one told me this or i didn t hear them and i was still profoundly sad because i knew we still had a lot of work ahead of us because we had only just gotten to the hospital susan worked really hard at this point to pull me out of the pit of despair by saying things like this is happening now look at how quickly they are setting out the instruments in my first delivery i had pleaded with susan to tell me how much longer i would have to push knowing that she didn t know but needed an answer anyway we laugh remembering that when she said seven more pushes i shouted dramatically you lie the only part of that story i remembered in my pain with my eyes closed was the lying so even when she said listen do you hear them shouting down the hallway for the midwife this baby is coming now i didn t believe her i was sure we had hours of pain ahead of us finally the urge to push liberated my clutchy pelvis and my water broke on the next contraction i yelled i m either pooping or pushing in a crescendo and they all ran to my side i still didn t quite believe as susan told me she could see the baby s ear but it did let some light begin to shine on my terrified soul and when she told me she could see the baby s face after the next push tore out of me i asked in a tiny voice it s face this confirmed my realization that my vagina had created a visual image of a literal partial ring of fire behind my eyelid s that time and i was finally able to take on some agency in this whole birth experience and agreed to actually push one more time to get the rest of the baby out and there she was my little judith less than a half hour after we had arrived they were putting my baby on my chest and i was looking into my husband s eyes and laughing in bewilderment it s still friday i said it had been 11 27 pm to be exact i got to push aside the umbilical cord and see that it was a girl jacob hadn t gotten to catch her like he had her sister but this time he cut the cord once it was done pulsing and he managed not to accidentally nick her foot in the process i delivered the placenta in all of this with one more somewhat painful push which was also a novel experience for me and then they left us alone it was probably only a couple of minutes but they had moved esther to the warming table at this point in her delivery so i was stunned to just be sitting in my bed holding my daughter and crying with my husband and best friend a little jacob asked me if her name was judith and i agreed asking in return if her middle name was ruby after my great grandmother i nuzzled her head and played with the word amniotical ammoniacal to describe the perfect fecund smell of her they came in eventually to do the things they do with new babies she was 7 pounds and 3 ounces and had already successfully latched on both sides by that time i assume everyone else held her before they gave her back to me and the room emptied out again except for the four of us i have such a sense of peace about that time while we were waiting to be transferred to a recovery room my favorite music was playing on shuffle my favorite people were with me my baby was a sweet warm weight in my chest and i had accomplished something amazing almost as a surprise how awe inspiring to have it proved that i was capable on that kind of work again it contrasted so starkly to the denouement of esther s birth in the middle of the afternoon with the sunlight streaming in and most of my family in the waiting room ready to storm the castle with cheer and congratulations as soon as anyone would let them this time was contentment and gently radiating love and music both perfect for their respective experiences just like my girls posted by princessmax at 4 05 pm 1 comment sunday may 19 2013 happy yellow diaper this is my younger daughter judith she is now 2 months old isn t she gorgeous i haven t pushed aside the crumbs and the bristle blocks to introduce her to you because well two kids is not just one plus one even when the older one is the awesomest creature on the planet plus judith is a little extra work in that she is a projectile vomiter doesn t like to be set down ever and is just overall pretty cranky extra work but not at all less loved also i have a smidge of the post partum depression it comes and goes but when it comes and i have to go a couple of rounds with it that boxing takes any extra energy i have left have you read hyperbole and a half s column on depression you should go now i ll wait mine is not anywhere near that in intensity or pervasiveness mine shows up as emotional detachment in the face of being overwhelmed i just sit there staring sometimes knowing that this is normal and not my fault and being disappointed in myself anyway because there is so much that i want to be doing not to mention the things that need to be done also i get extremely irritable and sometimes i get very panicked and my adrenaline spikes and my body feels very scared that this is never going to be any better even though there is a part of me somewhere that knows that i should take steps to ride out this particular endocrinological storm usually there are tears i had one of the worst of those last kind of last bout on friday they are particularly hard because i know that i should call someone to come help me but in that state i feel like everyone i could call would just feel bad that i feel bad and i don t want to add to their burdens i know this is ridiculous and yet eventually i called jacob and he told me to go for a walk i decided that meant i should go for a walk to the korean bakery even though i know that my depression will only be solved in the short term by food on our way into the bakery a homeless man held the door for the stroller and i thanked him politely but breezed past him which is my normal policy he then walked into the store which totally breaks my sense of propriety for panhandling i shook my head smiled and said not today which is also procedure for me because it linguistically leaves the door open for god s nudge every once in awhile of course in the moments after the guy left god nudged i remembered that anne lamott and glennon both counsel getting outside of yourself when depression hits so i bought the raisin bread to serve in place of the challah that i was not going to get baked not beating myself up not beating myself up bought a cookie for esther and a ham and egg bun for the homeless guy i chose ham and egg since i can t bring it into my kosher home which would force me not to bail on my intent to be kind to someone else i did not buy a sesame ball for myself i just ate bits of esther s cookie of course original homeless dude was unavailable when i wrestled ourselves out the door but i trusted that in my neighborhood god would send me someone else to serve and she did this is not a miracle story my sense of panic did not lift as soon as i handed the bag to the guy holding out the styrofoam cup from his wheelchair no we went home turned the tv back on and snuggled on the couch some more but it did dissipate eventually as i knew it would even if i didn t trust that confidence and a day later apropos of nothing esther turned to me again on the couch while watching tv and said declaratively mama happy what could i do but agree what grace god gave me that my daughter doesn t see my depression just my happiness she quickly followed her statement by cheering happy yellow diaper i m not sure how her favorite cloth diaper and my happiness are combined in that little pea brain of hers but it made me laugh and that s something posted by princessmax at 1 02 pm 1 comment monday march 18 2013 what s ours is ours to share some of our closest friends came to stay with us this past weekend to help us wait for this baby who is due any day now both jacob and i mourned deeply and for a long time when they moved away from chicago it is so rare to find another couple that has chit chat chemistry parallel boundaries of propriety and deeply shared values actually we are not on the same spot of the values spectrum and that makes things interesting as jake once said if we re here holding his hand at his waist then you guys are here holding his hand at his chest and they are way up here holding his hand as high above his head as it could get their location at the more extreme end of simple living and self sacrifice serving others has been such a good demonstration of the values that jacob and i value and helps us determine where we can make similar choices and where we can t the beauty of friendship of truly loving someone and feeling truly loved is that you don t need to feel insecure about making a different choice than they make this has been interesting to observe as we have ventured into parenting at the same time their oldest child is almost exactly 10 months older than esther and their younger child will be similarly spaced with our little one to be born i would say that as i have watched us all their parenting style is complementary to but distinctively different than jacob s and mine we re in the same color palette but different hues if you will i was challenged this weekend by hearing my friend encourage her 2 5 year old daughter that what is ours is ours to and to hear her daughter finish share she also told me that after reports of a sunday in the nursery with some fights over toys they have been having conversations about finding another toy to play with if another child wants the toy she has or has a toy she wants she had funny stories about when this lesson has not yet sunk in but my dear friend is nothing if not persistent i have no doubt that her little tomato will be hearing the mantra whe...