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Text of the page (random words):
dexter elegant disappointment by the time we landed checked in farted around and made the requisite bad decisions of bad mood ed travelers taken up in uncharacteristic sniping we made it to the venue and codeine was five songs in already worst disappointment of my rock life ever only one other unmentionable amidst this self hate heat and death fire even comes close i was blown away by three sublime cuts loss leader was unreal before my new found temper slithered up my spine and out my nostrils just to spit piss in my fucking face all my fault good three songs they were great i keep thinking it s good the numero codeine box is still sealed i can sell it but it was a gift really but i want to take codeine away from me i had a plane ticket to an airport 30 minutes from the venue and 3 hours later they started playing while i whatever the fucked in my life and in capitalist society the details that matter most and burn you most consistently are money matters agents and institutions will mock and moralize when you drop this or that cash ball and it only gets worse from there i e jail or bankruptcy or poverty or insecurity however if you re mentally ill or disposed towards art it s the details of production reproduction distribution and reception that i invest with moral libidinal and mortal weight i ve told before how i can t sing or write or think like i used to how my extremities swell and i lose time to blank stares and cyclical hate monologues i remembered tonight and i won t forget or repress again that i can t carry the weight of my own wants i m too sick to constitute a proper audience too fragmented to practice deliberate appreciation next goes criticism my wonk and my wank have watched anthropology politics guitars and bands and exercise and intimacy get intruded upon and carried away by fears hatreds self fist fucking and significantly the birth of an inner urge to bawl stifled this drive demands attention in mostly childish or violent ways both of which elicit laughs from intimates that make you think you know the sound of a miscarried could ve been s skull in a far more slapstick way it reminds me of nothing so much as an hour spent sprinting through dublin desperate for a toilet framing this story as funny or petty or nothing special to my in laws in a couple of days is going to be like masturbating to post manson sharon tate pics i wanna throw my codeine box in the street or trade it in for exclusively far worse records really i m just glad to be carrying enough physical pain in my back and my knee that i can t and won t act out further it s still the same old story losers lose and if they maintain enough composure to keep from blaming somebody else they ll at least succumb to forcing you into an autopsy of their failures large and small all i did was miss a show tonight all i do is fail myself most days all my friends wife family get in return is a drawn out binary code of silences and rants gagging and mourning which cannot help but push them towards the shelter of proportionality humor relativity and clarity that protects them and alienates me dis embedded diffuse and longing for earthy release among my remaining thoughts and the machine gun judgments of others i see how everyone gets to be alone together i see how it s raining suggestions and expectations but i can t see the band from here i can t make distinctions that enliven signification and bind me safely away from certain siren songs it makes me so angry that i force more failures this is one way among others to drop off and out the self regard you require like you need a name when you ve missed enough chances through accidents and incompetence eventually you ll die for more chances to spoil eventually you ll spoil yourself you ll soil yourself resting assured of future errors ahead favorite art flying faster and further away you can buy a fucking ticket but you won t see the show you can buy the records but the platters won t play you can make a trade and lose on the deal and with the subsequent ignominy ingested you can call it a day maybe you can writhe all night fail and groan away the day hell you flew all this way posted in uncategorized 1 comment 33 25 33 1 3 part 1 33 june 4 2012 lexdexter since day uno or at least since i came to care about what i wrote and how it was written friends and foes alike have made plain that my writing ticks them off or even angers them mostly they re dead on over long sentences both intentional and plain lazy grammar belches unconsummated metaphors and unfair extra textual allusions make for pissed off and bored readers these qualities make for readers who stop reading it s bad enough to churn this kind of shit friends and foes have offered but it s worser to do so adorned with the weighty proposition that doing so makes you who you are you d think that i somebody who believes that practices and not essences produce identities would pay attention to making my own favored practice my pr prose both leaner and meaner you d think i wouldn t meander so that i could say what i mean without needing to spear stuff and hang generic questions of meaning in advance my form peeves all sorts of smarties and i take their points as surely as i don t change but it s my content packaged expertly in that form like a mail order lp between two stray cardboard scraps that escalates the objections and bars the door between myself and potential comrades sometimes it seems there s not content at all sometimes there s writing about writing or the aforementioned referential cruelty leon trotsky william friedkin gg allin and sometimes my point can be gleaned but it seems either hollow or overinflated so all told i m not worth the wait and without any weight as a writer pretentious twice i had a particular friend to be from the labor movement and labor blogosphere apologize in advance despite our many mutual acquaintances and common struggle for unions he had to tell me in advance of small talk that he hated my writing another even closer brother constantly lampoons my writing and my politicking as predicated on a kind of antagonistic meaninglessness that corners my adversaries merely by confusing them wonk smoke and marx mirrors pretentious an actual writer of stuff would ve mentioned their reasons for bringing all this up by now huh well not yet but it s safe to say that a person who needs writing to help themselves through the world is squarely fucked if they re not thought to be much of a writer eh and if their writing falters fades and otherwise shrivels in their own eyes well are they much of anything at all first question first two examples as will be familiar to some of you who read regularly i had a hate hate love affair with a punk msg board that became quite hostile and absorbed some of an unprecedented anger that various medical professionals succeeded in surfacing as hostilities became more rampant and duller and as i watched myself enter skirmishes elsewhere with this same mint condition rage i called the whole thing off there were plenty of supportive members of the msg board one guy compared my writing to joe carducci nobody would defend me in public either i was indefensible or their given profile low or high was too precious to be risked but these allies offered as did a dozen people who thought i was a bit of a cunt several potential explanations for my splashy entrance and wimpy exit in defeat mostly they told me i either a wrote too much b asserted my opinions despite newbie standing c asked pointless questions in meaningless threads of my own design or d wrote too much also slint bastro tortoise 90s indie rock etc are not for mentioning there unless you re buying somebody else s copies on discogs in that case well that s just punk rock babe too much writing too much identity too much talk that goes nowhere as i exited the msg board i tried to explain to them that _i agreed_ and i d appreciated their giving me a spot to a observe the cool kids and capitalists of punk jock and roll and b their giving me a spot to take a crap but i made a bad mistake leaving same i made when i entered the building i revealed that i struggled daily losing mostly with mental illness i meant to say smart fucks and dumb fucks you can t hurt me i instead said nobody hurts me like i hate myself i was a bad writer worse than the windbag loathed by whoever they were while they probably thought i was fishing for sympathy really i was trying to masturbate with a cross like in _the exorcist_ or shit the floor like gg allin rip i had substituted a biomedical designation for myself and for words it wasn t a meek bid for sympathy or mere silence it was a power play i invited myself and a bunch of folks who weren t in the mood to fuck fuck with and otherwise defile a dead man walking you can t respond to you re an asshole by asserting i am not a person but that s exactly the logic nobody dug in my previous writing which i ve managed to seduce into my extremities libido internal monologue cognitive mapping motor function into my very materiality but what if you really aren t a person psychomotor retardation also known as psychomotor impairment or motormental retardation involves a slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual psychomotor retardation can cause a visible slowing of physical and emotional reactions including speech and affect examples of psychomotor retardation include the following unaccountable difficulty in carrying out what are usually considered automatic or mundane self care tasks for healthy people i e without depressive illness such as taking a shower dressing self grooming cooking brushing one s teeth and exercising physical difficulty performing activities which normally would require little thought or effort such as walking up a flight of stairs getting out of bed preparing meals and clearing dishes from the table household chores or returning phone calls tasks requiring mobility suddenly or gradually and inexplicably seem to be impossible activities such as shopping getting groceries caring for the daily needs of one s children and meeting the demands of employment or school are commonly affected individuals experiencing these symptoms typically sense that something is wrong and may be confused about their inability to perform these tasks activities usually requiring little mental effort can become challenging balancing one s checkbook making a shopping list or making decisions about mundane tasks such as deciding what errands need to be done are often difficult pretentious a pioneer you occupy a space where practices great and small seem further and further away as impossible as being seems you can t sing play guitar or read a book fuck watching tv you can t read a book there s a ph d candidate with your name who since a wee teen wanted only to be a real intellectual there s a walking corpse with your name who has always been only a pedant things happen in your body things happen in your house there is very real failure real failing happening and real failings piling up you re still angry and you almost confuse it with being alive a shitty record store in dearborn mi called dearborn musique mistreats you like your insides yearn to deserve it takes a day or three but you realize you ve been rolled you email them once twice you escalate finally you get a telephone call you re offered a full refund but only after being told by the thug clerk that your emails didn t make any sense some things don t change but some do luckily you re quick to forget them these days but you remember writing in at least one of those emails how you d felt traumatized by the treatment dearborn music bestowed how your condition worsened it and how some other customers might be similarly vulnerable and there it is again this time it s hard not to wonder if you weren t dropping hints that it was a sick person if not a disabled one who had been wronged that special privileges and special recompense should be dispensed to these some and not those others isn t this the identity politics that fox news and marxists alike decry as either a an unfair sense of fairness or b as the misplaced denunciation of an injustice that is unjust but nonessential i believe that all kinds of marginal groups deserve individual and group rights they have been historically denied but do thirty something dirty white boy failures with illnesses that transfix them like medusa haven t i been misplacing my identity by bearing quiet witness to an essential and unstoppable illness rather than digging things i do and people i know well don t forget it s harder to _do things_ than it was yesterday it s harder than the month before and there are tests and specialists and far worse scenarios splayed out in my middle future like a sickening deli tray but i do do records still with all the boyish wonder and grown up fear inside of me last i looked they were still making fun of me on that msg board in particular for mentioning the illness that i also earlier mocked but then went ahead and wrote this entire blog about pretentious i m sure they re still stacking merch and talking shit and elevating meanness to an art form at dearborn music and tapes inc too you know what i m all kinds of messed up and my prospects are shriveled and i ll never even get to work in a bookstore or record store probably but at least i suplexed that genius over the telephone before i d even broken a sweat i had to do it because just like with the record collecting record merchants at the cool kid msg board i had to keep _records themselves_ from getting soiled from abuse opportunism elitism or idiocy can records stay records as capitalism ascends like a monstrous erection and powerful punk wankers pick and choose their opponents and their audience from marketplace dregs can i recognize records in myself myself in records and records as records really can i do this while i try to neutralize douche dicks and money vipers by hating myself more than they d ever dream of or bother to can self contempt un swell my fucking hands end of part 1 coming in part 2 that s right we re going to be talking about records and tapes posted in uncategorized 3 comments forced exposure 11 winter 1987 record reviews annotated march 27 2012 lexdexter forced exposure was a boston based fanzine published by jimmy johnson and byron coley it ran for more than a decade the last issue forced exposure 18 appeared in 1993 the whole earth catalog once described forced exposure as rolling stone for people who d rather read the journal of trauma medicine than watch mtv and many rock critics were directly influenced by its acerbic style of writing originally a fanzine devoted to hardcore punk beginning in 1985 forced exposure began to shift its focus to noise rock and the east village art punk scene subsequent issues featured writings by prominent no wave bands like the swans and sonic youth interviews with filmmak...