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Text of the page (random words):
m when he was 5 days old oh my god my heart exploded 2 comments posted in uncategorized try to remember posted on october 15 2013 2 comments i read somewhere and really don t remember where that the later part of the third trimester can be like a return to the first only larger and gruntier based on my experience of the last couple of weeks i d say that s pretty spot on i have never felt more attractive than when trying to tie my shoes these days meow but another feeling has set in and it isn t just pervasive nausea it s a sadness a regret the knowledge that i am already forgetting my first experiences of this baby s life that i will never be able to remember the experience of growing a human with any accuracy at all i will forget if i haven t already the way that first trimester shaped up the cherry blossoms that were blooming on 1st avenue after the appointment where we had the first ultrasound the one that confirmed the viability of what i already knew to be a fact to be real i knew it was a fact from the second it was a fact and if i m right this baby will be here a week before the due date as in four weeks from now i will forget how tired i was falling asleep sitting up after work sometimes even before finishing dinner i will forget the different ways my skin has felt dry or tingling or now stretched tighter than i would have thought possible no stretchmarks yet but i m not counting those chickens until we hatch i will forget the first tiny flutters that i didn t recognize as quickening i love that word quickening in this context it wasn t any of the other feelings the books suggest it might feel like gas or little bubbles it was certainly a feeling i d never imagined or felt before but neither did it feel like another person kicking me the kicks and hiccups and rolls and pushes and stretches were the most unimaginable part of pregnancy before experiencing them weight gain nausea appetite loss appetite gain sore feet sore back sore everything those were imaginable and manageable and really nothing much to notice i ve had it easy compared with pretty much every other pregnant lady i ve talked to but these flutters and rolls and lately lurches are something else terrifying in their realness surprising in their strength i will forget the evening probably when i was washing dishes and looked down at my growing belly and saw it move a surprise lurch after which i marched into the living room and got andrew s attention and pulled my shirt up crying out look at this it is moving i will forget the weekend afternoon during fashion week when i have to entertain myself for a few weeks without much of anderw s presence when i was lying on the couch with a book resting on my belly and the little one kicked hard enough that the book slid to the floor september 2013 the first time my baby disapproved of my reading choices october 2013 perhaps it was october 10 or 12 the first time we annoyed each other the baby and i it poked a foot up under my stomach right in the center sharp and aggressive enough to see an outline i lightly pushed that foot back because hey i m working and i had a glimpse of the future as the kicker responded by simply poking somewhere else slightly to my right so i lightly pushed that foot back again and we played chase around my belly as i imagined that little one rolling his her eyes in 12 or 13 or 14 years because i am just so annoying sorry baby but i have to work or else we don t eat or have nice things the baby the baby the baby in a way it s all there is and all there has been for the last several months my thickening body setting off every old alarm in my crazy head the ultrasounds where we see the face developing the hands the feet the tiny tiny feet that one ultrasound in august when we got to watch a bout of hiccups the very sensation of someone inside you having hiccups the way andrew and i curl together at night my belly between us and the little one takes a turn kicking him in the kidneys and he laughs or smiles or just puts his hand on my skin and we are a family and that s unreal all of this is incredibly rich and i have been inattentive i have had my head down powering through an experience i will probably here s hoping never have again and experience that should have been shaping my life and my brain because after a few more weeks there is going to be another human in the world a tiny human and i m going to be so responsible for it and someday it might ask about what it was like before it was born and i ll have so little to grasp at other than you were perfect from the second you came into existence and then that child will laugh at me but i will never be able to explain the strange beauty of having someone grown inside you i shouldn t even try 2 comments posted in pregnancy self congratulation is the path to something else posted on september 11 2013 2 comments just a couple of weeks ago i congratulated myself on being someone who has not really sprained or broken any limbs or appendages as an adult i was a very active klutz as a child so i was in a cast of some kind almost yearly between third and eighth grades but it has been a long time since i sprained something and all those folks who have to walk around new york in air casts or with crutches do not make me jealous so it goes without saying that something was going to happen since i actually took the time to be mildly pleased about this and that something happened last night at port authority bus terminal in manhattan at the tail end of rush hour while i was waiting for raven to meet me so we could go home together i had come from the gym which yes i am still doing at 30 weeks pregnant the boys who work at the gym are absolutely adorable about it since they are about 25 and just can t wait to meet the baby i doubt i will actually take the baby to the gym but who knows one of them asked me if i ve come up with names yet and the other one has wanted repeated explanations of why we chose to not find out whether it s going to be a boy or a girl it gives me a serious case of the cutes so i was wearing my gym pants and sneakers carrying a giant bag of clothes and maybe feeling a little woozy or dehydrated when i walked up to the gate to see if raven was waiting for me he wasn t so i headed back down the stairs and just sort of missed the last few my eyes told me i was stepping down to the main floor but my body learned that i was stepping into space and i landed with my left foot rolled very firmly into a wrong position and fell to the floor not a single person even glanced my way and i made myself stand up again maybe i didn t really hurt it i told myself even as nausea started welling up my vision was turning gray as i started breathing faster and my ears felt full of cotton it can t be very bad i told myself i am standing up even as i thought that the room seemed farther and farther away as i stopped being able to hear at all if my brain serves at all i was staggering in a small circle at that point trying not to throw up i came to almost immediately after i fell again hearing myself make a strange squawking noise through cotton filled ears i was convinced for a moment that i had my headphones in since everything was still so muffled and far away i tried to pull them out to no avail since they were attached to my ipod which was in my bag and nowhere near my ears i had passed out entirely on the floor of port authority and not a single person seemed to notice no one looked my way or seemed to think anything of it perhaps i looked crazy half leaning against the wall as i tried to get my breath back and perhaps they wrote it off for that reason but if i had ever imagined passing out while third trimester pregnant in a busy bus terminal i would have also imagined at least one person saying are you ok or even being overly solicitous and trying to stay with me until raven arrived don t get me wrong for my own self i am glad that didn t happen i don t do well with strangers getting involved in my business and what would they have done anyway but ask questions that i was too nauseated to answer i could tell it wasn t broken again i have some experience with injuring myself so there wasn t any need for a doctor or anything at all other than the all consuming wish i had to be at home right now without the 45 minute bus ride and a third of a mile walk between be and my front door i tend to get thick skinned in times of crisis so i found it a little shocking how much mental whining there was i wanted a hug i wanted a hand i wanted someone to hand me an ice pack i texted raven i think i sprained my ankle and then gave up trying to stand and sat on the floor of the bus terminal my back against a wall that smelled like cigarette butts a few minutes later i saw him across the passage stepping into the deli across the way for i imagined a bottle of water or some such he came out empty handed and was clearly surprised when he saw me sitting on a public floor i guess you didn t get my text he hadn t but everything he did after that was perfect he went back to the deli and got ice which we made into a makeshift ice pack he helped me up the stairs and carried my bag and it was nearly the first time in my life that i have felt taken care of in the wake of something unpleasant i have never let anyone take care of me but the life transitions of the last year and the last seven months particularly as i have less energy and freedom than at any previous point in my life seem to have shifted something in my brain i may let someone take care of me and it may even work out for the best there are occasions apparently where the whole human race doesn t let you down who knew 2 comments posted in self involved tagged injury married life pregnancy silliness testing the water posted on september 3 2013 4 comments i am caramelizing onions and baking double chocolate cookies as i type this my house smells weird how s that for a reintroduction oh internet i ve been absent i know that s been my story for lo these many moons but apparently i am sticking to it it s not the way i want to be but i have rearranged my energy and blogging and knitting fell right out the window they probably landed on someone s car and now i m responsible for someone else s misery because of my inattention to my hobbies because that is still how my brain works i suppose that some of my energy is going toward nesting also but i am perhaps the worst nester ever if i was a bird mine would be one of those nests you find on the ground perhaps in the middle of the sidewalk people ask oooh how s the baby s room coming along and i say it exists it s a combination of superstition fear and laziness that fuels this situation and i m not intending to change until the middle of october it s not like this baby is going to be early i mean come on but anyway we have a co sleeper inherited and a weird collection of onesies so we re probably all set anyway right oh i guess we probably need a couple of diapers or something and i guess i m supposed to have a car seat for leaving the hospital geez so much planning most of my energy goes toward commuting working reading about babies keeping up with cleaning the house barely the gym cooking actual meals and the all too occasional nap i could use a lot more naps if there were more naps then there might be more blogging lies if there were more naps there would just be more napping and sadness and regret an exorbitant amount of energy is going toward that this i am trying to change i read somewhere something about how if you fall in love with someone from far away from where you re from you ll spend the rest of your life missing someone and it turns out that that s true the missing that i m doing seems unbearable most days but i know that the alternative missing would be worse people say oh but there is skype or there are always airline sales but when the people you re missing don t use the internet and frankly there aren t airline sales and besides i have a job then this terrible black hole is just going to live on so i will make cookies and sweep and mop and think about baby sweaters and hope that everything will turn out for the best i think things usually turn out for the best but that could just be because things turn out the only way they turn out and what can you do but make the best of it 4 comments posted in building a life family tagged baby talk family missing where we are posted on august 5 2013 2 comments despite my best attempts to think of other things to talk and write about this baby growing gig is pretty much all consuming between that and work my brain is very full but i can t write about work so let s talk about babies or rather let s freak out about babies to be we crossed a threshold this week the sprout and i the threshold where the kicking is no longer something only i can feel raven got to feel some good solid thumps the other evening and we both felt hiccups for the first time friday morning and he told me that last night after i fell asleep curled up against him he could feel the kicking for quite some time i think until he fell asleep himself but i m not sure he s ready to admit to falling asleep while the sprout was kicking him it s all too new and isn t it embarrassing to admit that your spawn isn t more fascinating than sleep feeling hiccups though whoa what a weird weird thing if it wasn t for all of reading i ve done i don t think i would ever have connected the sensations i ve had with kicking or hiccuping really every time it gets super busy in there i find myself thinking about the tom waits song what s he building really though what s s he building in there while looking at google maps last week to try and figure out where we might be able to try and find a daycare seriously this is all i m thinking about i noticed a patch of green near our house that hadn t registered before it turned out to be a nature preserve of all things within walking distance incredible who knew they have a few miles of walking very light hiking trails which we explored yesterday it wasn t exactly deep forest but it was very very pleasant it s a big old no duh to anyone who knows me but anxiety has a way of taking over my life getting out in the forest even if it s not hardcore hiking which i can t do anyway because goddamn i am so weak these days hits a reset button and my anxiety level goes down not to zero never that but at least i can stop mulling whatever i am mulling and think about bigger pictures very pretty bigger pictures in these cases now it s midnight and i ve stayed up too late again for no good reason what has been going on with you 2 comments posted in hiking pregnancy tagged beauty hiking nature nature s heart photos pregnancy older posts search for archives archives select month july 2015 1 june 2015 1 march 2015 1 september 2014 1 july 2014 1 january 2014 1 october 2013 1 september 2013 2 august 2013 1 july 2013 5 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