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ional state tell me that i need to maintain tight control that he needs wants responds to and enjoys it when i maintain a tight control over him so then why don t i do it my knight has a lot of things going on we are dealing with his memory loss the best we can it s taking it s toll on him emotionally and he has demonstrated multiple times that my complete control and my involvement in absolutely everything he does is comforting to him and it helps him stay on track so i guess the question i need to answer is this what s missing in our flr for me what do i need that i m not getting from the the arrangement what am i trying to get from him when i back off and start expecting him to manage his own minute by minute schedule again and how can i get what i m looking for without backing away from the level of control he seems to thrive on good questions ones i need to answer at june 27 2018 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday june 25 2018 back it s been about two years since i ve posted here some things change most stay the same last we talked knight was having memory problems and we had no real idea why those memory problems were causing real trouble in our marriage we were going back and forth about flr because he would tell me that he wanted flr but then would forget what he was supposed to do would talk back constantly and a couple times even forgot that he asked for flr in the first place i backed off of the flr and he became angry upset depressed insisted that i didn t want him around talking revealed that he felt neglected because i had dropped the flr aspect of our marriage at those times he had no memory of asking me to back off we were on a constant roller coaster and i couldn t deal with it anymore i put my foot down and told him that if he wanted to stay married he would go to a doctor and follow through on any and all diagnostic procedures i told him that while he was under medical evaluation he would stick to the flr he did both in fact he s been faithfully keeping medical appointments ever since but we re no closer to knowing what s going on or understanding why he has memory loss than we were two years ago as for the flr aspect it s been off and on but mostly on for the past year all slips toward 50 50 have been my doing not his in fact over the past year knight has been slowly and steadily asking me for more control more direction and stronger leadership in the last two years doctors have tested for ruled out prescribed medication for and even flatly diagnosed multiple medical issues including depression knight is prone to episodes of depression he does not want to take meds for it and the doctors we ve discussed it with agree he probably doesn t need medication i m aware that depression can cause memory loss but after several consultations the doctors don t believe that depression is causing knight s memory loss therapist didn t think he needed weekly visits a variety of mental illnesses he was evaluated for multiple mental illnesses and all is good there anxiety yes he has some anxiety again he doesn t want to take meds for it and our doctors agree they also say that knight s anxiety is not intense enough to cause memory loss seizures one of our local doctors insists that knight is having seizures he made this diagnosis with absolutely no brain wave testing doc claims rightfully so that atypical seizures are difficult to catch even with a recent eeg in order to make a solid dx you have to catch a seizure on a walking eeg machine and since atypical seizures are unpredictable that s really difficult this neurologist insisted on putting knight on depakote knight was completely against taking the med but i asked him to give it a one to two month trial period he did the depakote made things worse not better when we went back to the doctor for follow up he insisted on doubling the dose we got a second opinion because i very much disagreed with the seizure dx and protested the idea of doubling the depakote dose the second neurologist backed me up and we stopped the drug completely the second neurologist also disagrees with the idea of seizures alzheimer s and several other forms of dementia this was the scariest we ended up in the emergency room because knight lost several days worth of time and became verbally combative with me something about his actions words and general demeanor made me nervous i wasn t afraid of him i was concerned that something was really seriously wrong sometimes you just instinctively know that something is wrong like that i didn t know what else to do so i convinced him to go to the er with me the er doc talked to us for about 10 minutes and then told me that my husband has alzheimer s then i was informed that alzheimer s is not an emergency and i had no reason to be in the er they gave me a stack of info on alzheimer s and wished me luck on the er follow up with our regular doctor i demanded both a ct scan and an mri the tests ruled out alzheimer s and several other forms of dementia brain tumor mri and ct scan ruled these out there is nothing structurally wrong with his brain nutritional deficiencies nope all mostly good there infections blood work good doctors have determined that there is no traceable medical reason why he is having these memory lapses however two of the doctors involved in knight s care have seen and experienced knight having memory problems and there is absolutely no doubt that it s happening his supervisor at work along with other employees have also experienced knight s memory loss it was effecting his work enough that he ended up having to confide in his immediate supervisor in order to avoid getting fired that left us with wondering what next my whole reason for insisting on medical evaluation was in the hopes that we would find an obvious medical cause for the memory loss outbursts and personality changes that didn t happen and knight was getting tired of being a science experiment when the mri came back normal in january of this year knight asked me if we could stop the medical appointments for a while since we were no closer to an answer than we were when we started this i agreed none of this has much to do with flr directly until you consider all the issues he and i have had over the years more later at june 25 2018 10 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday august 8 2016 dr appointments i told knight that in order for me to put any more energy or effort into our marriage he must see a doctor to find out why he s having memory issues and he must see that process to some sort of conclusion unless i tell him otherwise take full responsibility for things he forgets start keeping log of things he s forgotten and share that log with me so that i always have access to it be totally and completely honest with me about everything and stop hiding things from me and understand that the stuff he feels he has to hide from me is the stuff he needs to tell me start following the depression protocol i gave him no exceptions and no excuses agree to go to er with me if i decided any memory lapse was worth the trip fully live our flr lifestyle and stop trying to straddle the line start showing appreciation for the many many things i do for him that if he did these things i would give him one more chance to make things right if he earned the right to a last chance it would be on the condition that if he ever lied to me or hid anything from me ever again i would tell him to leave without any discussion and if he was not home when i discovered the dishonesty i wouldn t even allow him to come home from where ever he was but as it stood last monday i really just wanted him to leave and we were finished i told him until he found a place to live he could either sleep in his son s room the son is in residential treatment or on the couch but he was not welcome in my bedroom and then i gave him a final move out date well it seems that a week sleeping alone looking for a place to live and packing has caused him to reevaluate his behaviors and his opinions since last monday when i told him i wanted him to leave he has been trying very hard to be a good submissive husband with little to no encouragement from me late last week he let me know that he scheduled a doctor s appointment for late september and asked if i d go with him he s also admitted that maybe the depression and the memory loss could be connected and is making a solid effort to change the way he handles times when we bring it to his attention that he s forgotten something he s admitted that his anxiety is causing problems between us and he needs help to manage it sometime friday he let me know by his actions that he understands he s been straddling the flr line and making my world difficult and causing stress while he didn t put it into words he did start behaving like my submissive husband again he was by no means perfect this weekend but he did try and that s all i ve ever asked of him he s come clean about the things he was hiding from me over the last month or so and why he tried to apologize but i told him that after the week before when he apologized and then repeated the action i had no desire to listen to another meaningless apology he makes it up to me by never hiding anything from me again saturday when our daughter pointed out something he d said he d help her with but forgot he started to try to cover it but stopped himself mid sentence instead he apologized to her for forgetting and looked to me for permission to stop what we were doing and go do what he had told our daughter he would do i gave that permission and the two of them went off of to complete the task i had one very happy 10 yr old saturday morning he asked me what i wanted him to eat for breakfast and asked what supplements he was supposed to take same thing on sunday this morning i made his breakfast while he was in the shower because we got up late he took his supplements before he left for work and took his breakfast with him he put a lot of effort into us over the last week and especially over the weekend so on saturday night i invited him to sleep in my bedroom with me i made it clear that he would be welcome only on a day by day basis and that it would be determined by his behavior that day if he screws up he s back on the couch sunday was good we got up super late because we were talking when we finally got out of bed he made my coffee and his breakfast and took his supplements without hassle we went to fighter practice and that went well it was clear that he was paying attention to the things i had told him last night when we got home from fighter practice i pointed out that he had forgotten to do the dishes before we left he got up and took care of it without a word of protest unusual typically he argues the point around 9 i told him to go take a hot shower and some kava because his neck was tightened up so badly he could barely move his head from a hit he took at fighter practice earlier he started to protest but stopped and went to do as he was told later he thanked me and said it had helped a lot this morning he didn t say thank you when i made his breakfast i sent him an email a little while ago letting him know of his oversight i told him that i will come up with a way for him to show me his appreciation tonight since he was unappreciative this morning he responded with an apology and excuse about being brain fogged this morning i answered that i didn t want to hear his apology or his excuse he will make it up to me tonight i won t tolerate rudeness i ll probably have him give me a full body massage until i fall asleep tonight yes it s a pleasant punishment but at the same time full body massage until i fall asleep used to be a routine thing and i d like to bring it back so this is a good way to start to do that i did tell him that the next time he forgets to say thank you the consequences won t be as pleasant i expect him to be polite how much hope do i have that this will continue and we ll work things out honestly not much his actions over the last week fit pretty well into the pattern i ve seen from him over the last few years he gets lazy and inattentive to me the kids and our marriage i try to get him back on track and finally get angry because all he does is make excuses and we start fighting about it at some point he stops fighting with me and gets back on track for awhile he s on his best behavior for a month or three if i m lucky and then things start to go downhill again repeat it s been going on for a few years now and i can t figure out why we see the decline in his behavior i have my suspicions i think it s his depression kicking in and he refuses to talk to me about what goes on his his head but i m not willing to continue the pattern deep down i hope we can work this out but so much of it depends on him following through with the doctor appointment depression protocols and anything else that needs to happen in order to understand his memory lapses we ll see at august 08 2016 15 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday july 29 2016 i caught him in another lie we re done i m done it was a small ridiculous pointless lie he lied to me about something he did nothing major but he apologized for it in the car yesterday morning as i dropped him off at work fifteen minutes later i walked into his office to bring hi something he d forgotten and caught him doing the exact same thing he had just apologized to me for talk about disrespectful then yesterday evening we were attending an event at his office dinner was being served outside but it was really hot out so i suggested we grab our plates and go eat in his office when we got there he sat down in front of his computer while i sat at a small table toward the back of the office i waited i told him that i thought he was going to come eat with me he continued to mutter at his computer screen with his back to me i waited for about 5 minutes before i got up and left i went and found my son and ate with him instead about 45 minutes later i went back into my husband s office to get the supplies i needed to set up an activity that i was scheduled to run he was still at his desk working on his project didn t even notice i d left yesterday s incidents were the last straws i m done i m concerned about how it s going to effect the kids but the kids at home are 14 next month and 10 so i think they ll manage okay they will stay with me what i m really worried about is how our separation will effect my step son he s 15 now and still in a facility receiving intense therapy he s almost ready to come home and i m deeply worried this might impact his therapy he s doing so well lately he and i are close and it s going to hit him hard at the same time i m tired of being lied to about stupid things and it makes me wonder what else he s lying to me about i m...