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Text of the page (random words):
was trying to conceive then mother s day came mother s day was painful this year my grief came back and hasn t gone away since the weeks leading up to mother s day i suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface i mean it doesn t even matter if you re good at the whole mom thing you still get celebrated on that day it made me think of what a good mom i d be to a child i m mad i m mad that i didn t get to choose the childfree life it was chosen for me by life god i hate life sometimes i m mad that i m not over it i m mad i grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted i m mad that i would ve made such a good mom don t get me wrong i still think i made the right decision for me being childfree is a blast i have my dogs my nights out my mornings to sleep late my vacations i truly enjoy my childfree life but that doesn t mean i have stopped mourning what could ve been i really thought i had moved on but sometimes moving on doesn t mean forgetting moving on doesn t mean grief doesn t still rear its ugly head sometimes and that is okay i ll keep moving forward and moving on now for something not sad here is a picture of me and my husband in st thomas and the beach in grand turk now that is childfree living posted by rachel at 5 26 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels anger childfree grief infertility mother s day thursday june 16 2016 an answer now i haven t updated my blog in forever and i am sorry for that i ve been dealing with some neurological problems i ve had multiple mri scans and an eeg and hopefully we will have some answers soon one thing i have learned is that my pituitary gland is small for a person my age according to the mayo clinic in pcos complex changes occur in the hypothalamus pituitary gland and ovaries resulting in a hormone imbalance which affects ovulation we may have discovered a reason i couldn t get pregnant i will be seeing a doctor who can test my hormone levels and help me get any abnormalities straightened out while my husband and i are not planning on trying again for a child anytime soon if ever it would be nice to have a more concrete answer of why our treatments failed it would also be nice to be given a choice i d like my husband and i to be able to fully make the decision to live childfree or have the opportunity to change our minds in 5 years if we choose what i do ask from you right now is your thoughts prayers good vibes whatever positive energy you can our way due to the neurological difficulties i ve been experiencing have been hard on me i m not used to feeling stupid but i do right now i have difficulty finding the words i want to use holding my train of thought is difficult my memory is bad i even have trouble driving it has been hard on both me and my husband he is scared for me obviously and i m a little scared too i hope you are all doing well source http www mayoclinic org diseases conditions female infertility basics causes con 20033618 posted by rachel at 4 45 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday september 13 2013 what child free means to me i wrote a blog post for we re not having a baby earlier this week that is a child free website the people who run it lance and amy are fantastic and supportive people you can read my post here i got some very negative comments on that post from some members of the child free community some were downright nasty and cruel it was so bad that lance and amy wrote this follow up post their follow up post was wonderful i think it raises some great points i would like to thank all of the people who commented who were kind and those who disagreed with me in a civil manner i got a really sweet message from my hardcore child free sister in law after she read the post she said something that i absolutely love i tend to think of being child free as living life for me not for my progeny it means making yourself a limited edition model vs an assembly line item this is the best definition i ve ever seen of what child free living is and this is exactly what i am doing living my life for me and for my husband to me child free doesn t mean you hate kids it doesn t mean that you think breeders are awful it doesn t mean that you never ever ever wanted to have children to me child free means that you are choosing to live an amazing life without children it s funny since we decided to stop fertility treatments i have started really appreciating my childless life i have a job that i absolutely love and i work hours that wouldn t work if i had a kid my husband and i are planning trips to go on because we love to travel soon we are going to niagara falls travel is just not as fun with littles in tow right now i honestly don t want to be pregnant i don t want a child i never thought i would utter those words that could change in five years i don t know i m leaving my options open because i find it confining and overwhelming to lock myself into a permanent decision right now i m only 26 for heavens sake but for now i am so happy with the family that i have writing that post and reading the responses did teach me something i do not need the approval of anyone when it comes to how i self identify right now i self identify as child free i am not childless or child preferred childless implies that i am missing something i m not child preferred implies that i want to have a baby right now i don t i made a choice and i am happy with it i am living a life that makes me happy no negativity can take that away from me posted by rachel at 11 18 pm 11 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels childfree family hope infertility self esteem travel saturday september 7 2013 a little fall of rain i wrote this post in december describing my love of the musical les miserables and telling how it has related to my journey through infertility my husband and i are watching it again tonight in the coziness of our home which means that we get to sing along i was so bummed i couldn t belt out the lyrics in the movie theater this movie still means so much to me now that we ve decided to live childfree in my original post i said that if i ever had a daughter i wanted to name her eponine because out of the rain of this hard time in our life something beautiful would grow our child well we now know that a child will not be the flower that comes from this pain but that doesn t mean that nothing beautiful can come from it when i hear a little fall of rain now i think of my husband and i clinging to one another me barely holding on saying that a little rain can hardly hurt me after all we ve gone through he is comforting me giving me strength to hold on i see great beauty in this it is a beautiful love story two people clinging to each other during a storm and a war rain still makes flowers grow even if they were different flowers from what we expected and they are beautiful a little fall of rain eponine don t you fret m sieur marius i don t feel any pain a little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now you re here that s all i need to know and you will keep me safe and you will keep me close and rain will make the flowers grow marius but you will live ponine dear god above if i could heal your wounds with words of love eponine just hold me now and let it be shelter me comfort me marius you would live a hundred years if i could show you how i won t desert you now eponine the rain can t hurt me now this rain will wash away what s past and you will keep me safe and you will keep me close i ll sleep in your embrace at last the rain that brings you here is heaven blessed the skies begin to clear and i m at rest a breath away from where you are i ve come home from so far so don t you fret m sieur marius i don t feel any pain a little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now that s all i need to know and you will keep me safe and you will keep me close marius hush a bye dear eponine you won t feel any pain a little fall of rain can hardly hurt you now i m here i will stay with you till you are sleeping eponine and rain marius and rain eponine will make the flowers marius will make the flowers grow posted by rachel at 6 51 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels bloggers for hope childfree grief infertility love wednesday july 31 2013 it isn t easy since i revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant i have gotten some wonderful support and feedback i really appreciate all of the love and support that i have received one of the comments i keep getting is people telling me that i m brave this one baffles me i certainly do not feel brave right now i am trying to accept that i will most likely never have children this isn t easy it hurts i am dealing with such a wide range of emotions the things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now pregnancy announcements hurt so much my heart actually aches when i see one hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating i cannot relate to them i never will be able to that is a very lonely feeling not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman knowing i ll never fit in with them in terrifying i don t want to feel this lonely forever i live in a smallish conservative community in the south there are not many women around here that don t have kids or at least plan on having them i spent my entire life just knowing that i would be a mother yet here i am and where i am right now feels very weird and foreign i have no clue how to navigate my future i m just kind of winging it and i m doing it without many other women around me that have been where i am i m scared i am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too i don t want to go into detail because i d probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me i m really confused about everything i ve ever believed about god right now i keep telling myself that it will get easier it has to get easier i just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here posted by rachel at 11 03 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels childfree doubt faith grief infertility sadness thursday july 25 2013 barrenness has its perks every night my husband and i talk about the many benefits of not having children at first i could only think of the negatives but i ve really gotten into this nightly game of ours i thought i d share some of our musings with you all we get to use as much foul language as we want in our house and trust me we use a lot of it the dogs certainly aren t going to go repeat anything we say to their grandma and grandpa we get to watch dexter the walking dead and american horror story without worrying about emotionally scarring someone for life i won t need a boob lift seriously breast feeding does all kinds of horrible to your boobs mine will remain firm and perky for quite some time we can go on vacations that we will actually enjoy no disney land for us we can stay at those couples only resorts and drink as many adult beverages as we want to piper and kabuki won t have to compete with a small human for our attention it would have been a very hard adjustment for them we are pretty sure that they think they are human children the only cartoons in this house are south park and bob s burgers dora the explorer will never be singing her annoying songs on our television the liquor cabinet will never require a lock we get to sleep in on the weekends and naps we get to take naps whenever we feel like it we will get to spend our money on things that are actually fun instead of paying for diapers and private schools it s all about the silver linings winning posted by rachel at 12 48 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels childfree hope infertility wednesday july 24 2013 dreaming a new dream image courtesy of http gateway women com once again i have to apologize for my absence on my blog i have been very busy i got a new job i really like it and i am excited to be working outside of the home a lot has happened in infertility land since i last blogged my husband and i have come to yet another decision we are not doing an ivf cycle this year we are officially on hiatus from trying to get pregnant we are going to re evaluate how we feel and what we want to do in spring of 2014 there is a very real possibility that we will decide not to pursue ivf we will also not be pursuing adoption at this time possibly never right now i am considering us childfree after nearly three years of hell i finally feel free i feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders my husband does too infertility has taken a major toll on my mental and emotional well being i see many women in the infertility community that go through treatments for years or who are going through the adoption process and they are still able find joy in their lives i haven t been able to do that i ve been stuck and massively unhappy please understand that this is the perspective i am coming from i am still 100 supportive of those of you that are continuing your path to parenthood it just became less of a path for me and more of a mud bog of misery that i have been stuck in all that said i am excited about the future now because my future isn t being held hostage by something that may never happen i now feel like i have some control over my future my husband and i are learning to dream new dreams and we are working towards new adventures we want to travel we want to go on a cruise and to las vegas i want to build a career we want to do some home renovations you know that room that was set aside to be a nursery that is now my room to do whatever i want with we may decide in the spring or even in a few years that we want to try again right now we are living our lives and learning to be happy again i hope you stay with me as i continue to blog while i may not be trying to conceive right now i do know that struggle the pain is still there and i will always fight like hell for the rights of every person to build their family i will also be blogging from the childfree after infertility perspective for the time being i think this is an underrepresented group in the infertility community i still have a lot of emotions to work through some days are hard for example hearing about the royal baby non stop for days has been really hard and some days are great i don t expect to be 100 okay with not having kids anytime soon i know it will take some time i still cannot stand hearing about pregnancies or babies if anything knowing that i ll probably never have those things makes hearing about them even more grating hopefully i will eventually get to a point where being aroun...