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babies had genetic defects as the reason for stillbirth overall this makes me reassured that if we do decide to try again i will be monitored much more closely than with both colton and a something i asked him is if he thinks i m crazy for wanting to try again he said based on my risk factors and his analysis he does not think it s crazy at all for me to try for another pregnancy i just have to make sure i can cope with the worst happening again my last questions was about using lovenox in a subsequent pregnancy he does not think it ll do anything and he also does not think the aspirin does anything but if i want to try it and can t find someone to prescribe it he would be happy to prescribe it for me my husband does not want me to use this medicine and says it s a deal breaker for trying again i would like to try it if we do try again so i ll have to figure out if i can convince him to let me do it i just wanted to add that my d c showed that i had an infection in my uterus endometritis and no retained placenta was noted the mass my ob saw could be a small fibroid which has never been noted on any ultrasound or other test i ve had so i m guessing it s a recent growth we will follow up on this later especially if i have long periods or bleeding and cramping in between periods i finished a 5 day course of doxycycline and i am taking a 2 week course of augmentin to hopefully get rid of it my mfm says that endometritis is something the pathologist writes when they don t have anything else to put down so it s possible i m taking the antibiotics for nothing awesome i don t think i ve actually written much about the events surrounding us finding out that colton died but i only noticed reduced fetal movement about 2 days before he died and i have major regrets that i did not go in on friday night after noticing the reduced movement i was super concerned that night and i will always wonder if i would have gotten checked out if he would be here today i am well aware that a 28 week delivery would likely have had some bad outcomes including him dying anyway but it s hard to not wonder if he would be coming home soon since this past saturday i would have been 37 weeks both my ob mfm and husband all say to not beat myself up over this and i m not but the what ifs are hard to carry i ll leave it at that this entry was posted in diagnosis iugr postpartum pregnancy stillbirth unicornuate uterus and tagged d c endometritis grief reduced fetal movement on april 29 2019 by rj ask me how i m doing 10 replies i went back to work last monday it was initially really hard walking in and getting the hugs and condolences and then it was just normal normal is so nice and i have been wanting to feel some sense of normalcy since colton died one of the doctors shared with me that she also suffered a stillbirth she said no one at our workplace knows and she only shares when it happens to someone she knows in some ways i think it would be easier to have no one know but since they do know i think it s appropriate to ask me how i m doing it allows me to open up if i m feeling up for it and it shows that people care another doctor did this saying welcome back and asking how i was both physically and emotionally physically almost normal and emotionally is day by day in case you were curious i was really grateful that he did this as i wouldn t have expected it from him in my personal life only a few people have been asking me how i m doing to be fair i sent an email when colton died saying i needed time before discussing it so maybe i need to open up but it makes it so much easier if my friends and family would just ask me how i m doing it s hard to bring it up but i want to talk about it my sister in law sent an email saying she didn t know how to act and asking how she should act i told her i wanted her to ask me about him and still be in touch with pictures of her kids she has been texting pictures of her kids like we normally do but then this past weekend when she visited she said nothing about colton i even tried to bring up the delivery in a conversation and she just changed the subject it s so frustrating i have a couple of friends who have been texting and calling frequently and i am so eternally grateful for their support it s eye opening when you suffer loss to see who really cares i m not surprised by who has been in touch but there are a couple of people i would have expected to be more present that have been missing that s life i guess in other news at my follow up doctor s appointment i still had the retained placenta my ob was able to get me in really quickly for a d c which i had yesterday it s really hard to feel done with the physical part of birth when you re still bleeding and cramping everyday i was so incredibly scared to have this procedure done that i insisted it be done in the or where i could sleep through it luckily this was accommodated the ob who did it was fabulous and i even continued to advocate for myself by asking that the resident did not perform the procedure after everything i ve been through if this procedure screwed up my uterus i certainly want to know that it was messed up by someone very experienced and not someone still learning what a weird thought to have right i was so relieved to have the procedure over and done with yesterday that i was in a fabulous mood after i napped for 3 hours i had to have general anesthesia and a breathing tube due to heartburn which was not something i wanted but it went fine so i m just going to be thankful there were no problems i am also so thankful that i didn t lose my uterus being in the medical field i just know way too much and i was so freaked out this would happen even though the risk is incredibly low i certainly hope there is no scar tissue either today i have no cramping and just light pink spotting it s glorious i feel normal and it s just so incredible to have my body be getting back to normal now i have to lose the last 10lbs of baby weight but i can at least squeeze into a good chunk of my pre pregnancy clothes i ve been running walking and doing exercise videos with my husband to slowly get back into shape it makes me feel so good my husband and i both have noticed how we are in such better moods when we exercise the mind body connection is incredible not a day goes by where i don t think of colton but i am no longer crying everyday i do randomly have tears well up in my eyes and i also cry sometimes but it s much less frequent i know that grief ebbs and flows and i m pretty sure hitting all the milestones like the due date and birthday will be hard for me along with lots of other random things this is a part of me finding my new normal it sucks that i have to do this and i hate that i have to do this life is just so unfair next week i meet with maternal fetal medicine to go over the results of the stillbirth and figure out where to go from here i already know there is no obvious reason for his death based on all the tests that were performed however i ve crafted a list of questions to ask and i m hoping to get something new out of our conversation this entry was posted in diagnosis postpartum procedures reflections stillbirth unicornuate uterus and tagged d c friends grief running support on april 17 2019 by rj another date with misoprostol 11 replies as if the universe hasn t dealt me enough shit already i passed some half dollar sized clots at 3 weeks postpartum and had an ultrasound to make sure nothing was amiss at that time i did not see my regular ob nothing was noted except a heavy uterine lining which was expected relief overwhelmed me because the doctor had to manually extract my placenta during my delivery and i was expecting bad news i had my 6 week postpartum appointment today based on the fact that my bleeding has not lightened much and in fact has become heavier and redder i knew something was up but i was hoping i was just one of the unlucky ones who bleeds a long time after birth as i undressed i managed to bleed all over my legs socks and the floor glorious apparently there was a huge clot just sitting in my vagina making a mess everywhere she removed it and took a quick look everything looked normal and my pelvic exam was normal as well then she followed up with my gazillionth vaginal ultrasound the ultrasound showed i have what looks like some retained placenta i have no idea how that was missed 3 weeks ago but my ob said she looked at the previous picture and agreed nothing looked amiss there my options are d c or try misoprostol in hopes that it ll cause enough contractions to get everything else out i opted for the misoprostol since i am intimately familiar with the workings of my body with this medication i do not want a d c if i can avoid it at this rate i m willing to bet my left toe that at my follow up next friday i ll still have some placenta in my uterus and i will have to have one anyway i had a whole host of questions about my stillbirth but the exam took so much time that i elected to save them for my follow up next week we scheduled a 30 min slot before lunch to do a recheck and chat about the results she provided me with the full report today so i can read over it and re formulate my questions based on what i read basically there is nothing obvious that caused colton to be stillborn maybe a cord accident maybe placenta problems or a fetal arrhythmia i wish there was a better answer the ambiguity makes the next steps much harder for me i m giving a huge f you to my uterus right now feels like it just can t do anything right this entry was posted in irony postpartum procedures stillbirth unicornuate uterus and tagged grief loss retained placenta on april 4 2019 by rj things i never thought i d experience 11 replies yesterday i picked up my son s ashes this sentence is so short yet so incredibly loaded with grief the fact that anyone should ever have to pick up their child s ashes or bury their child no matter how short or long they lived haunts me now that i have experienced it we did not pick out an urn he came home to us in a box wrapped in brown paper that was placed in a purple velvet bag he sits on the headboard above my pillow next to his memory box that we brought home with us from the hospital this is the tangible proof that i gave birth to him now i am trying to figure out how to make sense of these things i never thought i d experience i never thought i would experience a miscarriage let alone five of them i never thought i would experience a stillbirth i never thought i would hold the lifeless body of my baby i never thought i would leave the hospital without him in my arms i never thought i would cremate my son how do you memorialize someone that no one knew who never existed alive on this earth his only existence was in the comfort of my womb a womb that was not able to give him a life on this earth it could only give him death we only met him after he had passed away but he was very much alive inside me until he was gone i am lucky that i know his kicks but i will never know the sound of his cry his laughter or his voice i do know he had blonde hair eyebrows and eyelashes but i will never know the color of his eyes or the curl of his hair life is so incredibly unfair how can you wish that the worst experience of your life never happened because if it didn t happen you would never have had the short opportunity to hold him kiss him cuddle him and love him nor would you have had the opportunity to marvel over his tiny perfect features and how he had your husband s nose and you never would have seen your husband hold his son the son that you both so desperately wanted nor would you have gotten to hold the precious little body of the baby that has made you a mother all over again regardless of whether he is alive today life goes on but how does it go on without you this entry was posted in reflections stillbirth and tagged cremation grief on march 29 2019 by rj the worst experience of my life 25 replies dear blog friends i am so sad to tell you that our beautiful baby colton passed away and was born still on 2 24 2019 at 6 09pm he was so beautiful and tiny perfect in every way my husband and i are devastated i never in a million years thought i would experience this even though i am intimately familiar with the risks of pregnancy especially with my history i will be writing much more about the experience the postpartum period and what the heck we are going to do next in the coming weeks it will hopefully be a therapeutic experience for me and also i hope it will keep his memory alive lastly i hope with all my heart that if you have gone through this traumatic experience you know that you are not alone and i am so sorry to share this bond with you the isolation is one of the most difficult parts as no one knows him except my husband and i and no one will ever get to know him love rj this entry was posted in delivery postpartum pregnancy stillbirth unicornuate uterus and tagged boy colton grief second trimester third trimester on march 5 2019 by rj the big v 8 replies today marks 24 weeks by my calendar so i ve officially hit viability not that i want this baby to come anytime soon but it s a bit of a relief to know if something does happen and i have to deliver early he will actually have a chance i had my 24 week appointment yesterday and my fundal height is measuring right on track so that s good i was supposed to do the gestational diabetes screening but i ate grapes so it could have been a bit risky to try we also had cake at work to celebrate january birthdays yum so i ll do it next week when i have a half day hopefully that will not be an issue my weight is slightly higher than it should be this time i m up 19lbs 12 of that was by 16 weeks eek my ob isn t really worried about it especially with the history of iugr but i am a bit concerned i do not want to put on too much weight if i want to stay at 35lbs total i can only gain 16lbs more with a i gained 37 or 38lbs so not too shabby i ate so much at the end trying to get a to gain weight i now know that doesn t work so i will not bother eating too much extra if it happens again next step is the gd test followed by 28 week appointment and then the ever important growth scan i wonder how my fundal height will be measuring in a month hopefully all will be perfect this entry was posted in pregnancy reflections unicornuate uterus and tagged 24 weeks second trimester unicornuate viability weight on january 29 2019 by rj 22 week ultrasound 4 replies so my cervix measured longer at 3 8 to 4 this time thank goodness i m beginning to realize my anxiety about appointments is contributing to my symptoms and seems to increase my braxton hicks contractions and cramping apparently i need to do a better job relaxing in general i am ok until a few days before the appointment and then i start to let the anxiety take over any suggestions next step is a another cervix check at 24 w...