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i joined a gym for the first time in my life to prep for my adventure to havasupai definitely the most challenging trek i ve ever physically embarked on but holy shit it was incredibly rewarding get your permits this year people then i said goooodbye michigan at the end of may and embarked on a road trip to my new home in missoula montana i stopped in minnesota wisconsin south dakota and probably other places oh and america is weird and beautiful and lovely did i know anybody in missoula nope but i wanted a change and i did it and i made friends and it worked out and omg it s been the best choice i ve ever made admittedly it wasn t always easy i had moments of did i make an awful mistake how will i make real true friends but ladies and gents it always works out i also started volunteering at the local humane society and adopted my new bff dolores this year was all about saying yes and doing things i ve always wanted to do i ve always wanted to pick up and move somewhere totally new so i did it i also tried skiing and stand up comedy which i plan to keeeeeep on doing forever because holy heck it s incredibly fun and i m a silly goose for now and forever oh and remember that time i eloped i finally signed those divorce papers on top of a mountain of course also i discovered there are trees that naturally smell like vanilla liiiike this was some charlie and the chocolate factory shit and i was shoooook thank you to absolutely everyone for an incredible 2019 i rounded out the year in ireland with my cousin and i also have a new godson dog biggie he s adorable and i love him cheers to 2020 keep spreading kindness and cheer xo jackie learning to combat only child guilt after 20 something years october 27 2019 october 28 2019 jackie r 8 comments hi i m jackie i m 28 and i m an only child err only adult i m basically harry potter i have a scar on my forehead and everything ask me about it later or now nah read this first and then ask later sidenote did anyone actually like now and later candy as a child they were impossible to chew it was like trying to eat a piece of concrete smothered in glue so gross but i digress so what is only child guilt right so it s only recently that i ve realized that i have this only child guilt it s weird and i don t totally understand it and so naturally i felt compelled to write about it perhaps someone reading this will be like yes i get it me too raises fingers and feet and eyebrows a writer can only hope i ve been doing a lot of self reflecting lately why i am the way i am and the whole bit i mean i already know that i have ocs only child syndrome but like all of the good parts of it independent studious extremely loyal and none of the bad selfish bratty etc written like a true only child i was curious to see if i d coined the phrase only child guilt i really want to coin a phrase before i become one with earth s volcanic ash bits of turquoise and sparkly gems but alas i didn t in fact upon googling i came across many articles about parents suffering from only child guilt that is feeling guilty about having just one child well that s a bit different because i am not a parent rather i m a child an only one no siblings here wait do dogs count and on we go my siblings only children are stereotyped as many things selfish brats who don t know how to share play well with others or share did i mention sharing isn t really our thing i m learning shh in fact in 1977 psychologist toni falbo stated the presence of siblings is popularly assumed to have both positive and negative effects but the lack of siblings is believed to have only negative consequences are you fucking kidding me toni being an only child has been quite a positive experience don t touch my cookies get your own you crazy monster cookie in hand per usual deep breaths there are enough cookies to go around we all know there aren t growing up i wasn t just the only child in my immediate family i was also the only grandchild on both sides of my family for the first nine years of my life the only niece the only nephew wait that s not right you get it i was the only baby toothed rascal in a world of folks who were taller than me spoiler alert nothing s changed except those babies are now adults with fillings and crowns because i m actually the cookie monster shhhh root canals are fun i loved it being an only child that is root canals are not fun i never felt i was missing out by not having a sibling i d watch my friends fight with their brothers and sisters and think thank goodness i don t have to deal with that crap sharing is most certainly not caring i promise i m working on it sharing is great except don t touch my cookies ever santa i m looking at you as an only child i was the apple orange mango and kiwi of my parents eyes sometimes a persimmon if i was lucky but let s not get greedy sure i was kept in a bit of a protective bubble but i was the only kid my parents had i mean wasn t it fair that my mom didn t let me join the high school tennis team out of an irrational fear that i d break my wrist my parents had huge hopes and dreams and goals and all that good stuff for me and i was the academic nerd who would deliver don t do drugs sex equals babies babies suck i m an only child perfection is key roar roar it s a funny thing when you don t have siblings you re not just one of your parent s kids you are the kid golden only lonely protected in a bubble safety wrapped for preservation little adorable picture perfect kiddo i didn t take many risks as a kid i played it safe i looked both ways before crossing the suburban streets riddled with squirrels and crunchy leaves i never snuck out of fort knox er i mean my house i studied and stayed home reading rather than going out most weekends i knew that my parents literally lived and worked for me so who was i to do anything daring or rebellious surely risking death or worse cataclysmic embarrassment i didn t know it as a youngin but all of this craziness would stir into a mad mix of bubbly emotions that i m now calling only child guilt i earned good grades was admitted into an excellent university landed an incredible job in my chosen career and was very much the picture perfect epitome of what it looked like to make one s parents proud but i felt lost and unhappy a lot as if i was living a life that wasn t really mine it was the one chosen for me purchased for me ugh that sounds hella privileged i know where i grew up it was common to be told you could do and be anything with the underlying expectation that that really meant moving into the city new york that is and working your way up the corporate ladder of whatever industry to be successful nerd alert in having just one child my dad could afford to put me through college and i m so grateful for that i can t imagine having to pay back student loans on a writer s salary we can t all be carrie bradshaw folks but in recent years i ve felt this only child guilt more than ever i ve been given so much and felt as though i wasn t living up to what was expected of me but climbing some elusive imaginary ladder seemed so lame i d rather climb real mountains hoorah but then the guilt creeps back why am i not happy where i am i thought all the damn time i just want to give everything away and go somewhere new and different away from everyone and everything i ve ever known based on a feeling a warm happy incredible adventurous magical feeling that i want to chase chase chase but you see my parents are my parents and sometimes i worry that that s the only identity they have especially since they had me so young i m not sure they know who they are without me that s a lot of pressure and i don t have a sibling to offset any of that pressure i wrote the original version of this piece in october of 2018 after having a conversation with my parents about potentially moving from new york to montana i received a lot of pushback from my folks during this conversation which surprised me i mean they had always supported my travels but then i realized they also knew i d always come back i may be a runaway rapetti but i always seemed to run back to ny and then i found myself feeling guilty about the prospect of moving to montana why don t you just go back into broadcast why don t you find a company you actually like enough to stick with and make enough money to live on your own and create a life in nyc why can t you just be happy here near your family why can t you just be everything you were ever expected to be the face you make when you are fed the fuck up and need a damn change jk ty was just taking forever to take this damn photo love you gurl but i want a storied life i need it for years i appeared to never know what i was doing because i felt guilty about actually diving full steam ahead into what i truly wanted which was never the same as what my parents wanted for me i may not have realized that ten years ago as i embarked on my college career but i m finally learning i spent too many years denying my innermost desires in an effort to stay close to home the thing is i didn t choose to grow up in suburban ny but i can choose where i go next and i did montana you pretty thang i love my parents and am thankful for the life they ve given me but this is not just a new chapter in my life this is a new book and maybe just mayyyybe they need a new book too people need to know that they can t have children and expect that they will want all the same things you may want for them you can t expect they will think and act and be just like you and you can t expect them to stay stay stay because just like stagnant water that shit can be hazardous i may be 100 of their combined dna but i m also stardust and light and adventure and i m no longer the kid who is content with sticking to what s safe i ve always been a bit weird and quirky and i m embracing that completely even if it means following pursuits that my parents don t fully understand they don t have to i am not my parents and no longer do i have to feel guilty about that i will continue to be their wacky jackie from all parts near and far spread kindness and cheer xo jackie ladies and gents singles and couples meet charmed the dating advice app ya need if you re out there swiping october 16 2019 jackie r leave a comment hi hello life update this new yorker is an official resident of missoula mon fucking tana ummm what it s been a hellluva four months here and i m excited to share some news drum rollllll i ve joined the lovely startup team at charmed as their vp of communications and i want y all to know about it it s a dating advice app not another dating app there are so many i cannot keep up omg i m like literally about to join the farmers one maybe this city girl can get down with a hoe jokes guys jokes anyway charmed is an advice app designed to help online daters easily share their dating matches profiles conversations and more with their closest friends unlike dating apps including tinder and bumble charmed integrates with these popular apps allowing users to bring their friends into both new and existing conversations a kind of phone a friend for dating apps charmed is for those who have matches but can t seem to get past the cliché one liners to score an actual date aka it s hella cool and y all need to download it now and add me so that you can help me talk to all my damn matches who apparently don t actually ever want to talk to me or meet me major ugh whether you re in a relationship and looking to help your friends or you re the one in need of some witty conversation starters charmed offers a unique platform for litchrally everyone as they say in london so heck that is my charmed spiel i also run the insta account which ya can check out here spread kindness and cheer xo jackie p s i adopted a cat from the humane society of western montana her name is dolores where my seinfeld fans at and omgoodness i need to do a blog about my road trip from michigan to montana because wow it was fun and interesting and lonely and not lonely and amazing my little meowing muffin dolores let s make 28 great again september 26 2019 september 26 2019 jackie r 3 comments for the past five years i ve donated my birthday to charity water why because birthdays are about celebrating life and for me sept 27 is a day to reflect on what i ve done so far and what i want to do going forward what s the meaning of life and all that crap you know so as i turn 28 i don t need things to be drowned in gifts is so 1999 to be drowned in drinks is so 2012 jk that shit is forever and sure i wouldn t turn down a pup or cake cookies anything that will send me to the dentist for yet another root canal but i digress when i first learned about charity water their concept was simple w hat if every person donated their birthday so in our lifetime we d get to celebrate every person on the planet having access to clean water liiiike holy bananas it really is that simple i was hooked below is an excerpt from the first story i d read in relation to charity water i found it hard to believe that shit like this could be happening in a modern world like ours but that s the thing the modern world like ours is not theirs we live in a bubble a bubble made with clean soapy water that runs and runs and runs from our taps and our garden hoses and we think nothing of it and then there are kids like letikiros kids who have to give up school days to walk miles for water dirty unsanitary water in the blazing heat letikiros hailu just 13 walked four days a week for water and attended school part time for the other three days since there was no school in meda then reaching the classroom in a neighboring village was another 6 hour round trip walk in order for letikiros to be able to attend school at all her mother would pay to rent a donkey each week which could carry four pots of water on a single trip from the bembya river but there simply wasn t enough money to relieve letikiros of her water duty altogether and she quickly fell behind by the age of 13 she had only completed the third grade one day in 2000 no one will ever know exactly what went through letikiros mind after she collected her daily water what is known is that she somehow slipped and fell smashing her clay pot full of water into small pieces she must have watched in horror as the water spilled out on the dusty ground more than 10 hours of walking and waiting had been undone through a simple misstep those who knew her well believed she must have been overcome with shame she knew her mother and sister were at home waiting for the water she knew they needed her water to cook dinner and now even the clay pot was destroyed a valuable asset for the family so rather than continue home down the path empty handed the 13 year old slipped the rope from the pot through the branches of a tree then around her neck and hung herself okay so like you totally want to do something after reading that right i ve been f...