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that i happily devote my energy to my daughter my marriage my volunteer advocacy roles my network of friends these things keep me busy and give me just enough things to smile about that i keep forgetting that i actually am in pain i haven t started to believe i am feeling better instead i have kept myself busy enough to forget there is even anything to be unhappy about my brain keeps forgetting but my body remembers it isn t until i am sitting on my couch wishing i could make my to do list disappear turn off my phone curl into a ball and stare into the abyss for the rest of the day that i start to remember that maybe there is a reason for it and even then i first spend half a day wondering why it is that i don t want to talk to anyone or do anything before i think that just maybe this whole infertility thing is the problem because that s the thing i am not thinking about it everyday i am not disinterested and lethargic everyday and when i do feel that way it is not in response to any sort of external trigger or even any internal thoughts it just comes on and i feel helpless to understand it i am not even sad i m just numb yesterday i enjoyed dinner wine at a friend s laughing and conversing the whole evening in a genuinely good mood today i can barely crack a smile or even fake excitement about scheduling a weekend vacation that i should be thrilled about the back and forth is confusing making me realize i still haven t properly allowed myself to wallow and then work through the hurt as i know i should the problem is i am not sure how to access my feeling and get through them i have inadvertently forced myself to push them down now have no clue how to bring them back up do i watch a tear jerker movie just to get the ball rolling i know from experience that the breakdown waiting for me if i don t figure out how to deal with this will be far more explosive than it has to be if i can just get it out now it s so weird knowing that i should cry feel pain and emotion but instead i just feel numb and hollow i have nothing close to tears or even the sadness i felt even a week ago but i know it s all there under the surface last week it was so accessible that just hearing a triggering phrase in my yoga class had tears flowing down my cheeks i felt slightly crazy but it was also mildly cathartic to feel that direct connection to my feelings and to healthily express them today i am just empty i even went to the same candlelight yoga class tonight hoping that the stretches breathing and moments of peace would just help me feel more like me more in touch with myself instead i could not wait to get out of there and kept wishing i could be home on my couch curled under a blanket writing this post is my last attempt to force myself to be in touch with at the very least my numbness if i can t tap into the cause of it right now is this what depression looks like or am i just having one of those days i am always so hesitant to even think about that because i don t want to assume that just because i am sad and numb today that i will be sad and numb tomorrow i am a forever changing yo yo lately plenty of my days since that last bfn have been genuinely good ones maybe this is my new way of working through it instead of putting my life on hold to focus solely on infertility my current struggle and my feelings about it maybe i just have to take it one day at a time with one step forward and two steps back a few hours of very good feelings followed by half a day of sad numb ones experiencing these things little by little as i face each new moment as it comes hopefully i will slowly find the place within myself and my life that i can be at peace with my body my struggle and with whatever happens next at 10 51 pm 2 comments labels emotion heartbreak infertility secondary infertility tuesday january 7 2014 heartbreak 2 0 i can t even begin to tell you how many blog posts i have written in my head the past 6 weeks but never gotten around to actually writing the biggest reason of which is that i have been too afraid we have been so secretive about our fets this past year and i have opened this blog up to so many people in my life i guess i just wasn t ready to share yet but now it s becoming too much and i am finding myself feeling more lost than i did the first time around and i realize how desperately i need to stop trying to keep it all in infertility 2 0 was supposed to be easier less painful and traumatic somehow we have already endured the years of trying on our own the tedium of temping the anxiety of testing diagnosis the marathon of ivf the hell of miscarriage and finally the joy of successful fet we knew what to expect we knew the problems and how to treat them there was no reason this shouldn t work no reason this time shouldn t have been smoother simpler than than the first oh how very wrong we were in 2013 we had 3 failed fet cycles with the 5 embryos lost to these failures added to the 3 that didn t make it the first time around that puts the viability of my embryos so far at 1 in 9 far below the 1 in 3 my re predicted based on my age hormone levels and our combined egg sperm quality 5 transfers 9 embryos one child i am beating the odds in a terrible way and i was not at all prepared for this or for how it would affect me when we started infertility treatment 2 0 this past summer i not only felt fairly confident we would have an easier time achieving success but that if for some reason we didn t i would be more ok with everything than i was the first time i think i even said so on my blog after all i wasn t a mom last time and now i am who cares if i have one baby or two i m a mom when i wasn t before and the headcount of my household doesn t change that fact which is still true of course in so many ways it is not as painful it doesn t cut the same way the fight for motherhood did but it still hurts and cuts in new ways i never saw coming my body has now failed me more than it had in 2010 when we were going through ivf fet then i just couldn t get pregnant without help but after the hormones and the procedures my body did a pretty good job of behaving as it should i felt damaged for sure but i didn t feel quite as broken as i do now today i met with my re and discussed the possibility that fluid in my fallopian tubes may be creating a toxic womb environment and destroying what would otherwise be healthy viable embryos the thought that my own body is responsible for literally killing my embryos is soul crushing how do i maintain a healthy self esteem when my own body is so broken and dysfunctional how do i stave off the despair self blame and depression that comes from infertility when i think about my own body actually poisoning my attempts to further build my family how do i control my anger when i realize that we have spent thousands of dollars i have forced myself through hundreds of injections and we have tolerated months of anxiety false hopes and heartbreak all with absolutely nothing to show for it how do i hold back the flood of tears when my daughter comes running into the room to show me that she has been practicing her sign language so she can teach it to the baby brother or sister she keeps begging me for how do i manage the guilt and shame at letting all of this hurt so much when i know i am lucky to have such an amazing child even if she is my only one infertility as once again made me feel like a failure this time as a woman a wife an advocate and a mother i just wasn t prepared for all the new ways my heart would break when we set back out on this road at 10 33 pm 7 comments labels bfn doctors embryos fear fet guilt heartbreak infertility pain secondary infertility tubes monday november 4 2013 another one bites the dust writing and blogging really is such a cathartic way to deal with everything that happens in life and i don t know why i don t make more time to do it mostly just the regular excuses about being busy and distracted i guess i mean yeah i actually am busy and i do get distracted but i should make more quality time for myself especially now after september s chemical pregnancy i realized how very much i want to have another child so chad and i plunged straight into another cycle i was already in the habit of nightly injections so might as well keep them going and yeah that cycle ended badly but this next one was sure to work right i won t keep you in suspense the answer is no today was beta and my official bfn not that it was a shock i poas d earlier this weekend knowing chad was leaving town for work today and neither of us wanted to be apart immediately after getting the results so we decided it was better to find out sooner rather than later both our hopes were much higher than either us had confessed though so seeing that single lonely line saturday afternoon was crushing to say the least still i don t regret it testing early didn t change the outcome and it gave us both time together to process what knowing didn t change is that it still hurt like hell hearing the nurse say the word negative on the phone this morning i knew that s what she would say i was fully prepared for it so why did it still sting why does infertility continue to find new ways to make me hurt when i became a mom after so much pain and heartbreak i knew that trying again one day would be hard but i also knew it would never hurt that same way again it would never be as raw and intense as the pain of having empty arms when we finally started our fets for baby 2 i was confident that i knew what to expect that i wouldn t be surprised by pain like i had been in the past but here i am shocked by all of the unexpected ways infertility wracked my emotions yet again i was still right that it isn t as extreme of a pain as i endured before motherhood but it is still pain nonetheless and it still tears at all of my old wounds even as it rips open new ones this is my first ivf fet cycle in which no implantation at all took place granted i ve only had one child but i have had 3 pregnancies i haven t stared down a straightforward bfn with no confusing betas or possible positives since my clomid days 4 years ago and while this complete failure is making me question whether i could have done anything different to get a better outcome it has also verified a long held suspicion that even though a bfn hurts like hell it isn t as unbearable as thinking i might actually be getting what i want and having it cruelly ripped away from me so i guess i have that as a silver lining this cycle yeah i am not pregnant but at least i never was honestly when you are facing this heartbreak you have to take what you can get when it comes to finding the good in it and as pessimistic as i sound there is some good or at least some hope anyway we are very lucky in that we still have frozen embryos left so we can keep trying without having to worry about the time and expense of a fresh ivf cycle although after two failed cycles we seem to be investing quite a bit of time and money after all but back to the hope as negative and angry as i feel at the moment i know hope is still there it isn t over and there is still a good chance that this will work in the end although if i am being honest i am not really certain of my belief that it will work and in fact i am kind of terrified that it won t i am already crushed that my so many of my family dreams have had to be re written or let go of altogether i am just not ready to let go of this one yet so for now i am not going to thanks to travel and holiday schedules we won t be able to transfer again until next year which kills me but hopefully i can use this time off to relax and recharge before subjecting myself to hundreds more needles i can only hope that the new year brings realized dreams along with it at 11 32 pm 4 comments labels 2ww beta bfn children embryos fet hope infertility pain poas wednesday october 16 2013 hope loss yesterday was october 15 or as it is known in the infertility and loss communities pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day each year on this day for quite a few years now i have stopped to honor each of the parents that have faced the heartbreak of saying goodbye too soon all over the world fellow miscarriage ectopic and infant loss sufferers send messages of support light candles and remember the babies that live on in our hearts despite us being unable to hold them in our arms we say their names out loud we share our stories with others we mourn the lives we ll never know it is simultaneously a difficult and uplifting day every year i am saddened by how many new members have joined the wretched hellish world of loss but i am also awed and inspired by how many new supporters i discover each year there is a little bit less stigma a tad less awkwardness and lot more love it is amazing to witness in real time the growth that happens within society as a whole the more we talk about the realities of loss and the reality is that it can and does happen to anyone with an estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies ending is miscarriage or other loss it is crucial that we are able to speak about these losses and the feelings that come with them it has been three years since my first miscarriage when chad and i said goodbye to the dreams we had for our sprout my heart still can t help but wonder sometimes what life would have been like if that pregnancy hadn t ended in heartbreak and now that my big fat maybe is officially a big fat chemical pregnancy i am already wondering what could have been if that embryo had continued growing instead of resulting in an early miscarriage i probably will always wonder a bit about both of those pregnancies about what could have been and i will always have cracks in my heart as result those few hours of blissful hope after my positive home pregnancy test last month and then the devastation i felt once i learned the pregnancy wouldn t last opened my eyes to how deeply i actually do want a second child i have spent nearly three years shielding my heart and mind from believing it mattered to me as much it actually does and seeing how much it also matters to chad and eliana i can t help but dive back in despite my earlier fears that i would need a much longer break before trying again granted the actual transfer is still a little ways away so there s still time to change my mind and i have definitely already considered it but for now i am moving forward to fet 3 with hope that this cycle will result in a much happier outcome and although october 15 is just one day and that day has come and gone this year i will continue to honor the memories of all the little ones gone far too soon the names of so many precious children are etched in my heart and i will carry them with me always ayla juliet thomas bayli rudyard desmond oscar audrey logan brody wyatt sophia caydence tt and all the others we have lost you are cherished remembered and missed at 9 08 pm no comments labels chemical pregnanc...