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Text of the page (random words):
felt nice i m mentally and emotionally drained everyday is the same stress same lack same things making me sad i try to put on my happy face and try to get beyond it all so that i m authentically optimistic and believe it or not i am generally of the belief that things will get better but life feels like a neverending spin on the hamster wheel i want to jump off that wheel and breathe posted in uncategorized leave a reply need my feet in the sand and a cold drink in my hand or something like that posted on february 3 2019 by d reply i ve promised myself to be optimistic about things this is the jersey shore the real one i took this photo eight years ago a few months before my life changed in ways i thought would be forever and just when i let myself believe it the past year has shown that forever is not the case with everything that is going on i keep thinking i d like to just go sit on a beach in california closer and much warmer than nj put my feet in the sand grab a cold drink or ten and just breathe contemplate try not to have answers for everything lots of deep breaths posted in uncategorized leave a reply arizona posted on february 2 2019 by d reply i moved to arizona after i moved to oregon arizona is pretty i went up south mountain over the summer the view is spectacular i hope to go see the wild horses soon they are beautiful i remember seeing some running through a part of colorado that i was visiting so much beauty power and grace wrapped up together what i love the most is that no one is controlling them they are free some pics from my drives posted in uncategorized leave a reply god cinderella steel panther negativity epiphany posted on february 1 2019 by d 2 if i didn t do the order of operations right suck it i was an english major i ve decided to start writing again over the past few years that i ve tried to re start the blog i ve found that i m a hot depressed mess who wants to read that i didn t want to write it for sure as briefly as i can state it i lost my parents threw my career away not entirely but dang it sure did go backwards a bit in prestige and pay everything i gave up me for is literally gone so that makes one a bit glued to the bed i think not in a good way either but i realized something over the last few weeks if i m all i ve got then i need to wake the heck up jersey girl trying really hard not use really bad language here i realized that despite my present circumstances it is still ok to have dreams i realized that i have worth yeah i know it s 2019 i realized that it s ok to be a kid at heart to have fun and to find humor in things that others might not it is my farooking life i realized that i took life too seriously for way too long responsibility became my middle name and while i believe that adulting needs to be handled in a mature way to ensure a little less stress i m realizing that my pendulum was swinging hard to the right when in fact it should have been at a standstill smack in the middle not given to extremes and guess what only focusing on all of that responsibility made me a stressed out out of balance mess and caused me to forget i was allowed to have a life lessons learned you would probably be surprised to find out what the final step was in coming out of my years long funk music well if you know me you know that s not a surprise but i went back to the past when i was a teenager had my rocker girl dreams went to l a to live with a band took cosmetology classes because i thought i d do hair and make up for bands good thing i quit that given grunge was lurking two or three years down the road continued to have dreams get the pattern somehow though i ended up supporting my mom and caring for her caring for my dad caring for some folks in my life that i love very much but seemingly are slipping away from me face it have slipped away from me becoming a teacher wasn t a dream but i love it however it is something else that has taken me from me if you re a teacher you understand especially if you are an english teacher this was all done with love but somehow i forgot to take of me too all that said back to the music and my epiphany a few nights ago i found myself on youtube i searched the all ages clubs and not so all ages clubs i frequented legally and illegally for the bands and scene that kept me going through my tumultuous life i happened upon cinderella performing on a cramped stage that at the time seemed like a window to adventure for me i remember going to see them at the spectrum and leaving after they opened for david lee roth it was amazing to see them on that stage and to hear tom keifer say that he was home yes i m that person that watches everything at a concert the crew the band the fans the band the crew gets teary eyed seeing others succeed overwhelmed happy tears because i saw the seed of the dream in the eyes of my musician friends to see local guys do it well so much pride as i continued watching the results of my youtube searches i saw bands that were folks that i had great conversations with at the clubs and at the concerts at the spectrum and while i m clearly not a teenager anymore i realized that i can still enjoy what made me happy i can be free to be me i have not felt that way my entire adult life it freaks me out and makes me so stinking excited and happy at the same time can t even articulate it precisely what brought on this epiphany all of the above my deeply held faith prayer and you ll never believe this watching a highly inappropriate but crazy talented and funny band called steel panther watching these gentlemen has reminded me of my past the musicians i hung around with and lived with in all their brash bawdy loud obnoxious crude boldness has reminded me that growing up older doesn t have to mean you give up your dreams or your belief in yourself when others have given you up for dead you find your way your niche and you have fun doing it while kicking lots of butt their crazy talented antics reminded me to smile and giggle with a smirk they aren t faith healers but their personas and the fact that they have taken on these personas are giving me the life lesson i m the result of a super scottish grandmother a superstitious lot so i m trying really hard not to jinx myself here but for the first time in a very long time i m excited about life my life sucks rocks right now and i have spent the past few months especially wondering wtf but i have life to live i m not going to be a bitter hag grumping at everyone about everything that has gone wrong or has trashed my dreams it s not the fault of those who might be on my journey s path only i can march on forward walking into any situation saying i have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass and i m all out of bubble gum now this adult needs to unwind guess it is time for sponge bob wish i was in a legal state just sayin posted in uncategorized 2 replies the muck posted on january 4 2016 by d reply some days i wonder where god is i know he is there but i m hurting in the worst way i ever have there are days i try to make it through the day without making any footprints in the lives of other because i can t deal right now my spirit is crushed and with each day that i try to be a better person or worthwhile to others i seem to fail completely i m struggling with catching up with life i feel like a rope is tied around my waist and that more weight is being added to it daily so i don t move i m tired a lot of change at once even though it all has the potential to be very good change i ve never felt so lost and alone ever posted in uncategorized leave a reply goodbye 2015 posted on december 31 2015 by d reply this has been a year of loss blessings huge changes and more loss and some loss i ve been told to prepare for as two more family members are gravely ill my philosophical side says this is the process of life but the side that refuses to detach from my heart says it is too much life too fast my nerves are raw my ability to process more than what i meant to do an hour ago is all i can handle sometimes i feel like i m lost in some other universe what i really want to do is scream but nothing will come out like in those movies where a character is so frightened that he or she can t yell for help when asked questions or when someone engages me in conversation if i have to answer for myself and what i think i shut down i can t even form the words it might be a good thing though i don t think people would want my candor right now so 2015 please just go away i ve learned too much about grief and loss i m humbled to submission in 2016 lord please bless me spiritually physically and financially so i can help others that have walked a similar path to mine please bless me with the peace and calm i ve needed for a very long time thank you for the gift and opportunity of a new start in oregon i look forward to embracing it posted in uncategorized leave a reply he sees all posted on december 30 2015 by d reply god isn t some guy behind a curtain telling dorothy she just needs to click her heels three times i m glad he isn t just some guy he is much more he is our keeper confidant provider mender healer and most importantly father i m dealing with a lot of emptiness and heartache sandwiched around it all is facing a reality of lack when i tried really hard to be sure that wouldn t happen as what seems to happen god is showing me who is in control my life has almost been totally erased in one way or another at least it feels that way so i wait and i continually ask and continually pray i m also asking god where he is i know he is there watching and keeping his provision will come at just the right time so i learn that he is in control not me humbling lessons in life are very much like an itchy wool sweater that is too tight around the neck i look out my window at so much blessing but my heart and emotions only notice what is missing your prayers are coveted posted in uncategorized leave a reply cobwebs posted on december 24 2015 by d reply shaking off some cobwebs and feeling the need to write again i will be sharing my new journey in life hopefully my new path will include a lot of life and happiness my new path begins with a new home in a new state for that i am grateful beyond words posted in choosing life leave a reply me 2 0 posted on may 22 2013 by d reply i have a lot on my mind it is like every corner of the earth has converged and has taken residence in my brain sometimes it is a good thing as i am good busy the kind of busy i have prayed for most of my life the kind that reminds you how filled life can be the other is the highly overworked kind of busy that will pass hopefully soon so back to my brain been thinking a lot the past few weeks hoping and praying for some major changes as i am led and find direction i will fill in some of the informational gaps however for now i need to write i need to be a new and improved version of me life was given to us to live and explore time to find my adventure pants posted in uncategorized leave a reply sunday song november 25 2012 posted on november 25 2012 by d reply isaiah 61 1 3 the spirit of the lord god is upon me because the lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted to proclaim liberty to the captives and the opening of the prison to those who are bound to proclaim the year of the lord s favor and the day of vengeance of our god to comfort all who mourn to grant to those who mourn in zion to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes the oil of gladness instead of mourning the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit that they may be called oaks of righteousness the planting of the lord that he may be glorified not going to lie i can probably count on one maybe two hands of the really good things that have happened in my life most likely one hand i have spent the better part of my life mourning some kind of personal hurt rejection or the loss of some of my physical well being if not even my youth i can remember feeling a lack of worth from a very young age i try to not allow it to get to me i try to remain positive that god will use all of it for good because as an adult not so much as a child and definitely not while i was a backslidden young adult i have been given the opportunity to see god use a lot of my hurts and past in a fruitful way for that i am very grateful we all have our personal struggles but god will see us through when people in our lives cause us to believe we are not worthy of their love or of anything use he says and shows otherwise when we mourn the tangible or intangible losses in our lives when we are at the bottom of our personal pit god has an answer he will turn all of the muck all of the ashes that lay in heaps at our feet into beauty whether the beauty be used to bless us or others it is because god does those things that i know he is real if you push rewind on the movie of your life and you see your present as a resolve of the past then you will see it too have a blessed week posted in uncategorized leave a reply post navigation older posts 2 corinthians 5 17 19 therefore if anyone is in christ he is a new creation the old has gone the new has come all this is from god who reconciled us to himself through christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation that god was reconciling the world to himself in christ not counting men s sins against them and he has committed to us the message of reconciliation recent posts the hamster wheel need my feet in the sand and a cold drink in my hand or something like that arizona god cinderella steel panther negativity epiphany the muck recent comments d on god cinderella steel pant 90eyebulbs on god cinderella steel pant jaime on well hello there d on well hello there edee elwell on well hello there blogroll faith and fellowship first with flair musings and rants of a sasquatch nobody asked me peakah s provocations snigglefrits 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