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my garden of thoughts my garden of thoughts blog archive 2011 1 june 1 the forbidden fruit 2010 8 september 1 august 1 june 1 april 1 march 1 february 2 january 1 2009 11 october 1 september 1 august 1 june 8 qwaider thursday june 16 2011 the forbidden fruit why is it that i am always tempted by what i can t have i saw it there in all perfection round and smooth with sharp edges that sparkled i touched it knowing that i probably shouldn t but arguing that a mere touch won t be too bad the touch was beautiful refreshing and even more thrilling because of the hidden knowledge of breaking boundaries rebellion in a touch i smelt it and i realized then how deprived of air i had been before then i closed my eyes and thought how fulfilling it would be to have it for myself how perfect life would be then how complete my existence would become i opened my eyes again and thought would it really be perfection or am i just controlled by the urge to have it and blinded from all realistic imperfections because of this urge i shooed the sound of reason out of my head and closed my eyes again i could feel the ease sweep across my body starting from my head and all the way to my toes i felt free strong and driven i wanted it oh so badly but deep down i knew i could never call it my own how do i get the strength to walk away of it and never look back and think of how transformed my life would have become had i taken it when i could have and how do i hush the voices in my head that tell me that happiness would have come through it bliss would have followed and an eternity of peace would have been summoned to my life it isn t mine that i know it is someone else s how unfair can life be sometimes how easy it is to forget the one million things i already have and think of that one thing that i can t make mine and how wise were the gods when they declared that thou shall not steal or maybe how cruel will i ever make it mine will i ever see one similar in shape and depth owned by no one and run to it with all my might at the right timing to make it my own forever mine forever beautiful forever complete posted by salma adas at 8 26 am 1 comments thursday september 30 2010 can i just vent out sometimes i need to vent sometimes there are things that i know i have to do that i have no choice about and that would probably feel better some day even if the didn t right now but sometimes all i need is a person with whom i can share how it really feels having to do these things right now and if only some people would understand that when you vent it s not because you are expecting a magical solution or for them to step up and carry your problem on their shoulder sometimes all you need is someone who would actually say yes that sucks just as simple as that someone who wouldn t preach to you about how yuo should approach these issues and definetely not somoene who says so what we all have to go through so and so yes i know we all do but do we actually have to pretend that we re happy about it is is selfish to want to vent out to someone to just let out the anger the fury the feeling of it s so unfair you would still have to do what you have to do but can you not just have someone to share how it feels with how it really feels and not how you should feel in front of the world it does suck posted by salma adas at 3 05 am 2 comments wednesday august 4 2010 feelings confused hopeful hasty disappointed loving sad regretful angry aggravated numb scared worried restless ashamed joyful excited tired guilty afraid surrendering agonized lonely bored involved proud clear patient thrilled caring symapthizing attentive hateful malicious kind empowered rich confident resentful lost contemplating arrogant powerful pleased satisfied empty embarrassed pleasant distant loyal cheap drained craving helpless watchful dreading amazed comfortable miserable rejected pitiful self loathing cheerful abstract annoyed helpful surprised bewildered fragile shocked overwhelmed grateful expectant distrusting enticed hurt locked relieved disgusted disoriented free optimistic dazzled swept off spoilt stubborn lazy careless strong conscious light ridiculed needy stupid lame shattered concerned betrayed cornered strong posted by salma adas at 11 52 am 1 comments monday june 14 2010 regrets i wish i can say i have no regrets but i do mostly things i regret involve hurting people i love be it intentional or not i have done a lot of things that have hurt them and made them unhappy and every time i think about it i get an overwhelming feeling of sadness mixed with shame sometimes it isn t easy to speak about it or apologize about it after so many years have passed by time we build this fictional fence around the stories we want to forget and we build it up to get higher and higer every day until it is so high that we can t see what it was built around anymore sadly it s just a fence it doesn t make these stories disappear it merely hides them from our obvious sight however every once in a while this fence gets cracked and through these cracks you see what you longed to hide you remember what you longed to forget and surprisingly the pain is still fresh still piercing i don t want to stir the old stories from their graves i want to tell you all of you i love and have hurt that i am sincerely sorry even if i had hurt you without intending to do so i have no excuses having done that and i have paid for it in a way after all that is what regret is all about posted by salma adas at 3 37 am 3 comments wednesday april 14 2010 the right timing i ve often heard people describe themselves as having the perfect reactions to certain incidents where a perfect reaction isn t actually possible one can t really smile to a person who s insulting them or think straight when they re inside the picture yet there are a lot of people who are absolutely convinced that they can maintain their self control and ensure the correct reactions at all times i have recently come across an incident where two people very dear to my heart came to a conflict point one of them has always prided himself at how self composed he is i myself am a very strong believer of his wisdom and am always impressed about the way he thinks before he leaps however for the past two weeks i have been very disappointed to see that although he always knows the right thing to do he has absolutely no idea when to do it and timing makes all the difference in such cases there is no sense in learning forgiveness if you don t apply it in the right time you can only forgive when you are hurt there is no sense in claiming you love someone when you can t be there for them in their times of crisis and merely settle for enjoying the good times you have with them if you can t forgive and love when someone needs you then you should be strong enough to face yourself with the facts you are not a forgiving or a loving person you might have a lot of other qualities but you can t claim to be loving or forgiving and chose to be so only when you re in a good place life is full of surprises and sadly of uncomfortable times it is in these times that we should pull ourselves together and put what we believe in into practice otherwise just settle to being the person you are posted by salma adas at 2 08 am 1 comments monday march 1 2010 of rain snow it has been raining non stop since last night the streets are flooded cars are piledup in traffic and there s this generally light atmosphere in the office the one that always accompanies rain and manages in a miraculous way to make things that were so important yesterday seem slightly less important today it s like the rain actually sprinkles a little bit of water over all the hot topics of our lives cooling them off slowly in the process when i was a little girl rain used to excite me tremendously rain meant that there probably won t be school that day and that mama will cook super delicious and unique enough for the rare occasion it would mean that we can go out and play in the street and watch the rain even mama baba it meant that for just that one day we can smile at strangers in the street and we can splash ourselves and get dirty in ways that mama won t tolerate on any other normal day rain was awesome to say the least when i moved to my home country for my studies one of the things that i was super excited about was that that meant i d spend winter in a country where there s snow can you believe it actual snow that s how i would tell my friends about it that s how excited i was and i ll never forget that day i was in university it was around 1 00 pm when it started snowing it was very slow at the beginning and then it started picking up pace classes were cancelled and it seemed like the entire campus was out on the street snow fights began students started throwing snow balls at one another and on passing cars this was not the time to be offended or to take it personally this was the time where you actually pick up snow yourself roll it into a snow ball and throw it at others yourself oh and laugh out loud so loud that it would be utterly inappropriate in other times only not at that time on that day i played and laughed and slipped and fell and had a great time and then later on i discovered to my dismay that snow actually burns my palms which weren t covered in gloves were literally burning they were so red and raw and they hurt like they were on fire but it was worth it it sure was now over the years since that great day snow still has that holiness in my heart i remember all the days in the years after when i woke up some days in winter looked out of the window and found the entire city buried in a layer of white and i would just stand there and look at the whiteness so pure so beautiful so white when we were kids and during our spring break which actually took place in this country s winter my sister and i enjoyed sleeping in to wake us up baba would come into the room and say there s snow in arabic the word thalj means both snow and ice and we d be so excited that we d lift up our heads and say really and he would say yes i swear and considering that baba would never lie we would jump out of bed and run to the nearest window but of course there would be no snow and we would look at baba laughing and showing us ice cubes in the freezer i can t imagine how that trick worked each and every time we always had the doubt that maybe just maybe this time there will be snow but here i am now missing the snow and not enjoying the rain how typical of me happy rain every one it s the time for cleansing every day s pressure and running around it s the time to enjoy one of the greatest gifts god has given us posted by salma adas at 10 55 pm 2 comments sunday february 28 2010 loving me i was on my weekly long drive between my two homes yesterday when at a certain moment and for some reason that i can t put my finger on i decided that i am tired of being depressed it was like pulling myself together giving me a good shake and telling myself to quit quitting a very good friend of mine always tells me we are survivors on my courageous moments i cheer in agreement and in other weaker ones i just smile when i really feel like screaming but we are we are survivors of course we are i think that i sometimes am too harsh on myself so i make mistakes who doesn t so i have silly little habits that i long to get rid of to achieve my version of perfection but what is perfection anyway what s perfect for me might mean nothing to someone else i have the right to make mistakes and the minute i stop making them i will realize that i have stopped trying i have stopped living i love me i want to take care of me and i want to accept without the drama and the tears and the shock that there is no body at all who would do a better job at taking care of myself than i would it would help i think if i can stop briefly and define my standards my own set of beliefs what s right for me what s not what would make me happy and once i come up with that once i have my own book of rules to follow i would think it would be easier to take it from there but what s important today is that i am alive and that i am proud of who i am and that i believe and oh how great that belief feels that i love myself and that i just might be able to take care of myself after all posted by salma adas at 2 44 am 3 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom my shelfari bookshelf shelfari book reviews on your book blog find new books and literate friends with shelfari the online book club about me www diariesofasinglearabwoman blogspot com view my complete profile followers qwaider planet loading