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Text of the page (random words):
o remove the teeth yourself fine for a nominal fee rimmerman will send one of our certified casual dentists to remove your teeth in home or on the road will the tooth fairy do that no what else won t the tooth fairy do business with people older than ten sounds pretty fucking creepy to us we will stay away from your children guaranteed even this guy will stay away from your children we here at rimmerman make it our business to stay away from your children no matter how grown up they seem now that s trust what are you waiting for call 1 800 buy teef today for a free consultation nowhere near your children and get ready for a new life of unlimited financial opportunities and extremely limited jaw functionality rimmerman financial services and casual dentistry nowhere near your children since 1985 posted by alex nichols at 12 00 am no comments labels money teeth teeth and money sunday april 5 2009 panda bears and you congratulations you are the proud owner of a brand new panda bear hopefully you and your panda bear will get along famously assembly your panda will come pre assembled however there are many add ons available to make your panda experience as fun as possible coffee grinder fax machine bamboo dispenser the first two are for the busy hard working panda owner the last one is really more for the panda getting to know your panda the first thing you will notice about your panda bear is that it is alive please do not kick it they don t like that sort of thing it is a good idea to communicate with your panda often in the first few days establish a human to bear connection in order to gain trust from your panda which will be defensive when confronted by those unfamiliar to him her panda tip don t bring your panda to a dinner party unless all the guests are on speaking terms with him your panda will attack dinner guests it doesn t like one of the most frequently asked questions is what should i name my panda pandas like to be named in chinese so they feel at home here are some popular panda names tai shan meaning peaceful mountain yao ming meaning presence in the low post tae bo meaning excellent workout taking care of your panda pandas require an adequate amount of attention you should walk your panda frequently to give it exercise your panda is in its formative years and it is important to keep your panda fit and healthy so it can withstand the winter months if you live in a warm climate it is a good idea to shave your panda on occasion panda tip pandas should not be exposed to radiation do not raise pandas near nuclear testing sites pandas should be kept in a cage no less than 20 feet in area the cage should be decorated with trees so that the panda does not freak out panda freakouts are highly disturbing and may cause permanent psychological damage to anybody who witnesses one also pandas may require food and water they should be fed at least twice a day if you are wondering what to feed your panda here is a good reference good bamboo fruit leaves bad shards of glass chocolate other pandas your panda s mood pandas are generally cheerful interact with yours by tossing a frisbee playing hide and go seek viewing modern art and other fun activities please do not attempt to ride your panda at least for the first few months of its life it will not be able to support your weight panda tip lose some weight fatty in the case of an excessively aggressive panda please send back the panda with your receipt and we will send you a new panda in the case of a meek panda try enticing it with yummy bamboo and whistling in the case of a pensive panda release a spoken word album adjustments you will have to adjust your panda for daylight saving time this can be done by pressing and holding button adjust for five seconds pressing button forward once and then pressing adjust again it s that simple good luck raising a panda is a great responsibility have fun and remember a panda is always cute but only you can make it happy posted by alex nichols at 2 22 pm 2 comments labels fun for the whole family instruction manuals pandas sunday march 29 2009 health and workout plan true story right after i finished editing this i got snacky and bought a thing of frosted oatmeal cookies a bag of corn chips and some graham crackers the plan is working like aces posted by shawn bowers at 3 42 pm no comments labels fitness health shawn bowers workout wednesday march 18 2009 lost dog lost dog name sparks color brown description foofy ears medium tail stands three foot five on two paws one foot one on three or four paws cannot stand on one paw despite repeated attempts rugged sideburns that would have seemed out of character if you d have known him a few years ago but now totally work since he s lost all that weight enjoys the outdoors also rain also political satire with a republican slant will respond to any of the following names robert rob bob robert myers will not respond to voicemails all limbs intact at time of losing do not rule out cripple dogs though as a lot can happen in a day and we wouldn t want to presume anything even positive things in the right light face looks eerily similar to bertolt brecht creative output unfortunately shares no similarities significant reward offered to be paid in full at time of return unless i don t have cash on me at which point reward will be forfeited to dog s owner e g myself my children who i do not have thank you posted by shawn bowers at 6 02 pm no comments labels bertolt brecht brown dog rain reward panera s smoked ham and swiss i remember when my grandpa papa agapito first taught me what a sandwich was the year was 1912 and my family was fresh off the boat at ellis island i was a mere eight years old a wide eyed doe ready to learn everything about this new land of america we were waiting in line to have our names shortened we were originally the nicholsezzoviovanni family when papa agapito knelt down beside me and laid his kind wrinkled hand upon my shoulder alexino he asked warmly do you know what they eat in america i answered bowls full of noodles of course doesn t everybody papa agapito slapped me upside the head stupid boy he spat americans do not eat noodles if we hope to live in america we must eat as the americans do we must eat sandwiches what strange people i said that eat sand for food it must taste awful and dry papa slapped me upside the head once again scassacazzo no they do not eat sand i will show you what i mean he proceeded to open his knapsack and pull out two pieces of white bread do you know what these are he asked bread of course i responded papa grinned do you know what americans put between these two pieces of bread i thought it over for a second noodles papa he punched me directly in the nose fessacchione finocchio no you foolish child he shouted he reached into his knapsack again and pulled out a fistful of smoked ham two slices of swiss cheese a leaf of lettuce a section of tomato a diced onion and a glob of yellow mustard he stacked them high on one piece of bread one ingredient after another until it scraped the sky just like the met life tower i was in awe partly at the sheer height of the sandwich and partly at the fact that papa had all this food in his knapsack on the voyage and shared none with my cousin enzo who died of hunger two hours before landfall he topped it off with the other slice of bread and with all the flair of a magician presented me with the second greatest tower i had seen that day after the met life tower this he said beaming is a sandwich this is what they eat in america go on have a bite i eagerly attempted to wrap my tiny hands around the behemoth of meat cheese and bread that papa agapito had so skillfully constructed i peered up at him suddenly made nervous by the evident difficulty of the task it s awful big papa i whispered stronzo leccacazzi faccia di culo just take a fucking bite already he slobbered i closed my eyes and struggled to lift the sandwich to my mouth i unhinged my jaw like a snake swallowing a small woodland creature and slowly stuffed it in what i tasted in that moment was the most wonderful taste i had ever tasted i opened my eyes and looked up at papa agapito smiling wide as i chewed tears of joy mixing with the blood that was still flowing out of my newly broken nose papa i exclaimed through a full mouth i love you i love you too alexino he said it was the greatest event of my childhood immediately afterward the ellis island medical staff chalked papa agapito s shirt with a circled x and quickly sent him back to italy i never saw him again i found myself reliving this experience recently as i went to panera on my first sandwich approved assignment last week i sought to taste their version of papa agapito s smoked ham and swiss masterpiece that i had savored 96 years prior though panera s smoked ham and swiss is usually served on rye i requested sourdough in order to relive that day as accurately as possible for that same reason i also had a nativist spit on me and tell me to go back where i came from i placed my order and not three minutes later it was ready and waiting to be eaten i took my tray to a corner booth in the back of the cafe bakery on first sight panera s sandwich is not nearly as large as the one i ate on ellis island at about an inch and a half tall no jaw unhinging is necessary but don t be fooled the sandwich is dense with flavor i picked up the sandwich and weighed it in my hands it was heavy with my grandpa s distant legacy i trembled a little bit i was afraid i think to confront the past i was afraid that the sandwich would be sub par that it would tarnish my perception of that happy day but the fear was unfounded as i took a bite all those long dormant emotions rushed back to me my nose instantly started bleeding i closed my eyes and savored the delicious combination of those perfect ingredients i mean it in the most positive way possible when i say that panera s sandwiches taste like they have been in an old man s knapsack for twelve days i may be biased because of my past but it s safe to say that anybody will enjoy panera s smoked ham and swiss sandwich if not with the same dramatic vigor as a 104 year old italian immigrant like myself this is setting a high standard certainly but i can t help but give this sandwich five out of five sandwiches sandwich approved posted by alex nichols at 11 55 am no comments labels panera sandwich approved tasteful portrayals of foreign people tuesday march 17 2009 the day blogging changed forever shawn hi i m shawn bowers alex and i m alex nichols welcome to sandwich approved shawn alex and i were talking the other day about how much we hate when people do things better than we do alex as a way of playing catch up with the rest of the internet we ve created a blog shawn now what is a blog you ask blog is short for weblog which is what you get when you cut down a webtree and chop it into smaller pieces alex the blog is going to be filled with lots of fun content delivered on what we intend to be a consistent basis such as joke off where shawn and i challenge one another to come up with the best one liners based off current news stories shawn or sandwich approved where we review sandwiches using our patented sandwich ometer patent pending alex sandwich approved shouldn t be confused with sandwich approved though which is an entirely different feature and an entirely different sandwich ometer which doesn t judge sandwiches at all it judges everything but still using sandwiches as a grading system does that make sense shawn no alex perfect shawn before we can blog though it s important that you know who we are to do this we ve both written a couple of questions to ask one another which we hope will give you a better idea of us as people ready alex alex ready shawn question one what are your hobbies alex well i enjoy a good segway tour here and there and there s nothing more relaxing than whittling you shawn birdwatching but only at night alex how s that going shawn i ve seen two owls and a bush that looked like an owl alex exciting question two who are your heroes shawn i m going to reciprocate bette midler on this one alex i always wanted to be an astronaut so you can guess who my hero is shawn neil armstrong alex pshh he s so mainstream no i go for gus grissom shawn who the fuck is that alex sigh typical shawn question three time for the big leagues what are your thoughts on genocide alex no thank you you shawn ugggggggggghhhhhh nooooooooo alex question four who is the most handsome actor shawn duh hugh jackman he s the sexiest man alive for a reason and that reason is that he s actually the sexiest man alive people has spoken and the people have spoken question five alex i didn t get to answer shawn answer what alex question four shawn what s question four alex who is the most handsome actor shawn hugh jackman i already answered that okay question five in a perfect world is there still murder is murder necessary for a balanced human experience or would you prefer utopia alex george clooney shawn what alex most handsome actor george clooney shawn we moved on from that alex i stepped back shawn you can t step back it s a linear progression model you re ruining the whole thing alex question six what s your favorite food shawn you didn t answer question five you re ruining the whole system alex dinner roll question nineteen boxers or kickboxers shawn what happened to questions six through eighteen alex the nuremberg trials shawn what was that alex the answer to question fifty two shawn you didn t even ask that question alex or did i ask it and you just weren t listening shawn i am a professional listener don t you dare bring my listening into this you re fucking it all up go back to question three about murder in a utopian society alex question negative seven shawn negative questions don t exist that s not a real question realm ugh you make me want to stab you alex impossible i have stabbing force fields it was the answer to question twenty two do you have force fields and if so what kind shawn fine you want to play this game alex is that a numbered question because if not i can t answer it shawn game on alex shawn shawn where d you go shawn there take that alex what did you do shawn i just went to the past and had sex with your mom right before she had sex with your dad which means you re probably my son now alex speechless shawn anyway welcome to sandwich approved thanks for stopping by and we ll see you soon anything you d like to add alex alex speechless shawn he gets the shyness from his mother posted by alex nichols at 1 39 am no comments labels astrohipsterism introductory posts spacetime coitus home subscribe to posts atom welcome to sandwich approved this is where something resembling magic does something similar to happening rss this shit posts atom posts all comments atom all comments people who get down with the sandwich that was the blog that was 2009 6 jul...