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Text of the page (random words):
like round numbers one pair of shoes was rescued from the donate pile to make 40 it s weird how that number cropped up again maybe 40 will be my number maybe i ll try for 40 tops next well being honest it ll probably be 40 sweaters 40 tops shirts and 40 t shirts of course the trick is going to be to reduce my shopping tendencies having limited spare time has helped with this of course and i am making a conscious effort not to just buy things mindlessly i d rather buy fewer higher quality pieces of clothing that will last a long time than keep consuming consuming consuming but it s so damn hard to change ingrained habits posted by solitaire at 10 40 am 2 comments friday september 24 2010 all clear on the boob front thank you guys for hanging out with me and sending me good vibes it is good to know that you are there i got the letter on the boob issue today no abnormal findings phew even though i was only saying today that i felt sure that there was nothing wrong with every day that went by it seemed less and less urgent and logically i knew that i should be fine still i breathed a sigh of relief when the official word came phew posted by solitaire at 10 05 pm 7 comments saturday september 18 2010 the finding i have something in my boob apparently my new doc told me to get a mammogram so i did and now they re being all freaky that they can t provide me with a report until they get my baseline mammo from my old doctor and compare because there s a finding i expect that it s nothing as if it was something serious a you d be able to feel something which you can t and b they wouldn t be sending me snail mail letters telling me to get the mammo film over to them they d be calling on the fellytone and insisting on follow up imaging stat but still the mind can t help but wander over to the particular corner of memory lane where jabbing oneself with fertility drugs is stored and thinking hmmmm ah well all will be clear eventually i suppose and i don t feel that i can share with too many people because then it s like i m making a mountain out of a molehill and demanding attention but my work friends have been useless frankly one is a radiologist s wife immediately freaked and had me call her husband to discuss who of course said well this could be perfectly normal which is what i knew all along it could just be some fibrous stuff that means nothing another has had many cystic things in her boobs and thinks i m making a mountain out of a molehill which i m not i just mentioned it gah so that put me off mentioning it to other people outside the family because most of them don t know me well enough to know my level of not freaking out but still being just a teensy bit concerned at the back of my mind so here i am not that i have an audience here any more but it makes me feel better to put stuff out there in the ether sharing without really sharing as it were i suppose i shall call my old doc again on monday and find out if they ve sent the darn records off yet it doesn t help that i got the second letter reminding me that they need to see the previous mammo on the anniversary of my mom s death at a young age from the big c but a different organ but still gah posted by solitaire at 8 16 pm 8 comments friday august 20 2010 it s been a while i went to a new gyn yesterday i have switched to a practice that does not include any ob along with their gyn much more civilized for the likes of me she tried to talk me into doing fertility treatments while i still had time umm yeah ok so i had tried to fudge my history with the nurse a little bit when they were setting up their new patient screen by saying i d done a few ivfs and downplaying the whole thing eventually the truth will out of course but i did like the way she tried to imply that my fertility problems might have been my partner s and that these days you can order out while you re single and use a donor ha after i explained that i was ordering out and had tried three different donors she finally got the point and once the whole sordid history how many cycles came out she sat back and said ah i see and i said really i am at peace with it i am fine if i never have kids if i meet someone new and i manage to get pregnant i ll be thrilled if not that s ok i m not doing any more treatments and we moved swiftly along but will i be fine someone recently told me that they saw me working with children in the future especially those with add adhd and i immediately died a little inside and wondered how i could handle that if i don t have kids of my own of course i still may adopt still could do donor egg still could have a miracle still could climb mount everest i suppose i had always seen myself doing infertility work due to my particular background but you know i ve been looking around at doctoral programs and at the people jumping on the infertility bandwagon and it isn t really appealing to be honest i think these days i see myself more as a generalist a little infertility a little back pain a little geriatric work a little pediatric but then again maybe i should be a brain specialist i do think so much infertility is actually a brain heart mind thing as opposed to a plumbing problem we re under so much stress that it really does mess everything else up i look back now to see how tightly wound i was going through those ivf cycles and how i am much looser and freer these days in spite of my crazy schedule and wonder if things would have been different if only i d got the stress the grief the depression the crazy dealt with first not that i didn t try i tried damn hard but i didn t know how and people telling me just relax and open your heart stressed me out even more so maybe i could tie it all together infertility depression add adhd anxiety it s all in the mind maybe that s where i m heading posted by solitaire at 1 25 pm 2 comments friday june 04 2010 crunch time you know how when you are impossibly busy something else comes along and you think holy crap how am i going to fit this in as well and then you fit it in somehow and then something further comes along and you think oh lord another thing how on earth is this going to work out and then it does hopefully so hahaha in addition to my impossibly busy schedule i am about to start a herbal internship program for one day a week i think i have gone slightly crazy but it was an opportunity too good to pass up this is the opportunity about which i was already wondering how to finagle even the possibility of getting an interview for in my third year this is the opportunity that you apparently have to be reccomended for this is with the most respected acu doc in the area i am super lucky that someone in the program recommended me for this opportunity now i may not get another shot at this and i would be insane to let concerns about my schedule prevent me from going for it insane i can t not do this i will make this work somehow in other words i m thrilled but frantic schedule reshuffling will now commence i think if i move my work start time an hour earlier and the finish time an hour later on mondays and fridays and drop a clinic session at school i will be ok posted by solitaire at 9 55 am 2 comments tuesday may 25 2010 imaginings i find that slowly but surely i am starting to imagine what my future life might be like in acupuncture i am finding what floats my boat and what i care not so much about of course i still have a long way to go and a lot of things to learn but it is nice that my imaginings are starting to take shape so far i am liking the gentle japanese style of acu as opposed to chinese style no pain no gain herbal medicines though the classes are boring and with a ton of information to learn ear acu i cleared up my own backache in 5 minutes just jamming a probe on the right points in my ears and actually i like learning the western medical stuff some of my classmates are dismissive of western medicine because we re doing the eastern spiritual energetic stuff so why should we have to sit through pathology classes but i like it partly because i have always liked gross medical stuff although of course i am always imagining i have whatever we re studying i have a spot on my arm that has in my mind been both skin cancer and mrsa within the course of a week and every time we talk about skin diseases or infectious diseases i come over all itchy which is not terribly reassuring but partly i like it because i know that patients will be coming in with western diagnoses they won t be saying oh i get dizzy now and again and sometimes i am thirsty and sometimes i pee a lot they ll be saying i have high blood pressure and diabetes and i want to be able to understand the disease and to be able to speak in terms that the person can understand i also want to be able to understand prescription drugs so that i can know which drugs and herbs react interfere with each other most doctors will just say i don t understand herbs so i don t know which ones react therefore don t take any if i can counter with appropriate information for the patient to take back to their doctor all the better but it would be nice not to have to fight with patients doctors it would be nice to work in an integrative setting with a doctor that is not dismissive of this stuff of course thinking about working in a doctor s office doesn t stop me from constantly looking at buildings in my city and thinking about whether they would make a good clinic particularly old stores with apartments above them i really dig the idea of living above the shop as it were i don t know whether this is just because it would save money to have one location or because it appeals to a sense of history that s the way people used to run their businesses out of their homes it just seems funky and cool of course it does mean living on a busier road as such stores are not generally on quiet residential backwaters but hey that s the price you pay posted by solitaire at 10 54 am 1 comments sunday may 09 2010 whoa freaky so right akashic record thing they said i had to open myself up to other things especially to learning about areas that are adjunct to or complementary to what i m learning with chinese medicine maybe other healing modalities other herbal medicine traditions whatever whets my interest i shouldn t cry off about not having enough time i should just do it go to the seminars or classes or whatever and broaden my horizons not the least because the more things i go to the more people i will meet including i hope the future mr sarah right just do it easier said than done to someone who is chronically worried about being time deprived well we were leaving the school clinic on saturday when i got persuaded to go to the home of some fellow students to learn about an energetic healing class one of them is doing i said no to start with true to form but they pushed they said there would be food and that it would only be a few hours and besides i had nothing else planned for saturday night so with the just do it motto floating around my head i stepped out of my comfort zone and said yes we had a nice dinner and then sat around discussing this healing thing and i ve got to say i was a bit skeptical it involves what basically appear to be mirrors and some colored threads and some other things that i couldn t figure out yah like i said it wasn t floating my boat any but the guy that has done the class decided to do a treatment on me to demonstrate and whoosh is all i can say i felt this energy from these darn mirror things i felt my chakras especially the ones where i have blockages i felt fear bubbling up i felt many things and then they left me for 10 minutes to relax and as i was lying there all these insights came to me insights into the whole infertility mess and my mother s death about how things happen to us that we can t control and plan for and i felt at peace it was like these two aspects of my life were mirrors my mother got ripped away from me and so did my child or at least the child i thought i was creating with my carefully planned smc backup plan you can t plan things happen sometimes things happen to teach us a lesson in a fairly brutal fashion but it was like here here is this 30 year period of your life in which you were miserable bookended by two miserable events but for the first time i came to see them as bookends a beginning and an end an open and a close a start and a finish and that i can close that chapter of my life and look on to the next with happiness because i don t need to drag the misery around any more and then my friends came back in the room and continued the healing and we got to a point where my head opened up and i got dizzy from the vastness of space that was inside my head um yeah whoosh don t worry my head went back to normal again i think posted by solitaire at 7 45 pm 3 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me solitaire view my complete profile my history i decided to try to become a single mother by choice smc at the age of 36 using donor sperm nearly 4 years 8 iui s 8 fresh ivfs 1 frozen ivf fet cycle 1 laparoscopy 2 hsg s 1 shg 3 re s 5 acupuncturists 4 sperm donors 1 therapist and 2 whacky new age therapies later with no success to show for it i stopped treatment i am heading to acupuncture school as i want to radically change my life i am also debating the next steps on my quest to become a mother will it be adoption donor embryo donor eggs or will i stop altogether and live child free in fertility links cycle sista ivf connections stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters smc blogs 3 munchkins and a mom a letter to my children a million miles to mia creating motherhood demeter s joy going for it at last going it alone kool aid mom wannabe life of joan now or never single mom diva snarky bitch soulbliss there s weenie juice on my cookie tripntwinmom s tales if pg baby kid blogs a little pregnant almamay s infertility journey birch and maple coming 2 terms faggots on the third floor good times good times here be hippogriffs i m a smart one infertility yoga and chocolate lies my mother told me max makes 3 my goddess within no pea in the podcast pamplemousse sadness euphoria serenity now so close sticky feet thalia s fertility journey the smarshy files the waiting womb twisted ovaries unwellness uterus x 2 just good stuff i can has cheezburger miss doxie now smell this spark people the green frugalista tree hugger blog archive 2010 13 october 1 refining september 2 august 1 june 1 may 4 march 3 january 1 2009 74 december 4 october 1 september 2 august 6 july 8 june 5 may 8 april 6 march 8 february 12 january 14 2008 295 december 24 november 16 october 20 september 28 august 23 july 34 june 25 may 25 april 25 march 24 february 25 january 26 2007 258 december 28 november 26 october 26 september 14 august 26 july 26 june 17 may 17 april 18 march 19 february 18 january 23 2006 192 december 24 november 31 october 20 september 25 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