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ot also my peers and the police me standing naked in assembly holding said book for all to see and learn from but no one was there except other knowing kids basking in my epic incompetence panic enveloped me and rather than tuck it down my trousers or under my armpit i sort of lobbed the pocket notebook counter ward where it landed with a slap slid all the way across and dropped out of sight onto the floor on the other side of the counter one of the grannies looked over spotted the book on the floor and retrieved it with a quick glance at the back of the not pocket notebook she smiled and said there you go 40 pence please young man her pensioner smile suggested that she could read my original intention and her gnarled old hand extended in expectation was like a grey skinned magnet that my guilt just could not resist i fumbled out my money and duly paid being careful not to touch her she thanked me and i walked out of the shop on shaking legs where in a welcome breeze which cooled my burning face the pocket notebook slipped easily into my blazer pocket in my world crime does not pay i pay for things i do not want and do not need theft has to be done with conviction and often is when you get caught anyway the year is now 1991 i worked at the time for a large government establishment involved in counting stuff our personnel numbered 800 ish rising every few years to 1200 when the stuff that needed counting got too much for the regular counters as there were such numbers with a large demographic spread of short tall thin fat bald hirsute and the category i remember as otherwise unemployable anywhere else on this particular day the police sent out the call that they required our assistance not to count things but to supply some of our number to assist in an identity parade the specifics were 6 to 8 males between the ages of 24 and 30 between the heights of 5 10 and 6 3 with a full head of dark hair bingo bango bongo that was me sadly it is no longer me in 2 of the 3 categories at least and no i haven t gotten shorter we would be required to attend the police station for the afternoon where we would stand in a line with someone who hadn t managed to get the pocket notebook into his pocket in time and try not to look too much like him but just enough like him to justify our inclusion double bonus news followed we would be paid to be off work for the afternoon and we would be paid by the police for our services into the bargain 15 may not seem a lot but my chosen drink was only 1 29 a pint at the time so into the black mariah we all trooped and headed for the police station i have to say i was a little put out by the other members of the group they looked nothing like me at all one had a moustache which i didn t recall being in the job description another was fat and definitely at the lower end of the height requirement though it may have been his girth which made him look shorter and one of the guys was deaf which shouldn t be a barrier to participation but as you are to find out it could have been we arrived at the police station driven in through the back gate which was imposingly high my palms were getting a bit sweaty that feeling that you know you haven t done anything wrong but you can t help but feel guilty for laughing at and not helping the sainsbury s diver more of her in another post or for having keyed the bonnet of that car with the word wanker belonging to a guy you hate one drunken night 3 years previously we were hustled into the back door and along a corridor all the time my heart pounding and a terror grin on my face you know the grin the kind of grin or mad laugh that appears inappropriately when someone tells you someone has died or when you are running from someone who wants to beat the shit out of you i had perfected this look during my school days we were greeted by a cheery desk sergeant who said something deeply comic about condemned men and told our ward to take us into a room down another corridor we were treated to tea and biscuits and sat around a table like a scene from 12 angry men waiting for something to happen then a policeman came in and explained what was going to happen we would all stand in a line with the alleged mass murderer among our number i heard mass murderer but he was in fact only accused of attempted robbery i use the word only not to lessen its gravity but because he wasn t even in this situation because he d robbed someone he had attempted to rob someone and had been caught after failing double lose the alleged victim would stand behind the door which was the split stable door type and had a 2 way mirror on the top half so that we couldn t see her face but she could see us we were just to look straight in front of us with our hands by our sides feet together whilst she looked with everyone drilled and comfortable with the procedure they brought in the perp and his brief and he looked just like me the spitting image my doppleganger actually he didn t our similarities were height build and hair colour so the police had done a sterling job on that front apart from that he didn t look like me i just felt like he did i am sure everyone else in the line up thought the same except the guy with the moustache obviously as there were no other incriminating moustaches in the room and the fat guy obviously who looked woefully out of place but the deaf guy was still in the running as was i so after whispered discussions between the accused and his brief we were ordered to line up then there was another discussion about where ronnie biggs was going to stand and hide among us i was looking straight ahead already in line up pose but my eyes kept flicking over towards the guy what did it matter where he stood the only possible reason he wanted to choose would be that he wanted to be next to people he considered looked like him like me the brief asked for the guy on my right mr moustachio to be moved to his right so i was now standing next to mr deaf and then the baddie came and stood between us he was next to me brushing my shoulder insinuating his possible guilt onto my jumper shit i was going down for a long stretch i just knew it but i knew i couldn t do time i couldn t cope i d go stir crazy i was handsome enough to end up being the a wing bitch dear god we were told to adopt the position like i needed to hear that as my mind replayed midnight express in my head and stand still the policeman went out as did the brief and the door was closed leaving us alone with the madman and a single policeman suddenly the bottom section of the stable door opened and the policeman popped his head under to check we were ready then disappeared again but he didn t close the bottom of the stable door so we were treated to the legs of the alleged victim coming into view and just standing there my eyes kept flicking to the door and at her legs did she have victim s legs were they the legs of someone who might misidentify me as responsible for the crime the only thing i gleaned from looking at her was that she was definitely the victim of having ugly legs and just as soon as they d appeared the legs went away again we all continued to hold the pose until our policeman came back in and told us to stand easy so he said the woman didn t want to be seen as she feels upset understandably by the whole affair but she s decided that despite her upset it isn t enough to just look through the glass and wants to get a little closer there were a few glances exchanged and then he continued so she wants to come in for a closer look but she also wants you all to put balaclavas on balaclavas brilliant a level playing field for all of us well not for the fat guy who would still look fat but it brought mr moustachio back into the frame one less chance of me going down of course they didn t have 9 balaclavas in navy blue so they sent someone down the shops to buy some and when they finally appeared after another cup of tea and some biscuits we all had to don them i have never experienced anything quite as bizarre they didn t have mouth holes so we all stood in position again but the robber was now stood on my left he obviously felt comfortable in my innocent shadow the victim came into the room this time and walked up the line she was quite small and i had to fight to stop myself from flicking my eyes down at her she stopped at me and stared my face was itching and balaclava hot i m sure i was snorting like a horse after the grand national i thought about affecting a smile but she wouldn t have seen it she passed me by and continued up the line fat boy never even merited a glance again she left the room and we broke ranks some of the guys kept their balaclavas on living out some fantasy or other i m sure i was looking for water and a flannel and possibly a place to lie down the policeman came back into the room and got us all lined up again the baddie was back on my right hand side mixing it up keeping everyone on their toes right the policeman said she s asked that you do one more thing she wants you to say where s the keys that was beautiful brilliant sweet music to my ears i may not have mentioned it up to this point but i am scottish but more importantly i am a self exiled scotsman living in the south of england i have a different accent to my colleagues friends and everyone else who isn t scottish in england so it couldn t have been me it would be apparent to the woman with unfortunate legs that i had not tried to do the thing that someone else had tried and failed to do i was happy to say anything anyone wanted at that moment even if the balaclavas didn t have mouth holes i would mumble the words to jerusalem if required people had already started rehearsing their line when the accused turned to his brief and said i m no fuckin saying tha in the broadest glaswegian accent you can imagine glances between authority figures were quickly exchanged as the defendant s crew went into a conflab the policeman looked at all of us standing confused at this turn of events and asked has anyone else got a scottish accent at that point i was forced to raise my arm and finger myself luckily the baddie didn t want to say it his brief didn t want him to say it the police couldn t make him say it so he didn t say it we were dismissed cash distributed back in the mariah and back to work just in time to leave and hit the pub god bless the legal system i only wish they d let me keep the balaclava or i wish i d just stuck it in my pocket but we all know where that gets me love is posted may 2 2013 in lifesniff tags baldness barbers brian eno chewing gum hair hamster juicy fruit miss world school scissors shirley temple 0 the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid george carlin simpler times never usually seem simple at the time they only become simpler through the warm fuzzy wrong way round telescope of memory love is a bit like that the year was well as you ll see there are too many to mention snapshots of moments of love lust and sheer desperation that stick in the memory like the chewing gum i once decided to save between classes at school by putting it behind my ear i thought it was a cool idea people in the 70s did it all the time the teacher wouldn t see it because it would be hidden by my then lustrous mane of hair and i would have the gum when the lesson ended thus importantly saving one piece of juicy fruit for later in the day it was genius it stayed there for the whole lesson whilst giving me a gorgeous whiff of fruity juiciness every now and then lesson over i strolled out into the corridor basking in the glory of my cunning and salivating at the prospect of my gum which was now unfortunately at one with my lustrous hair i thought i could salvage the situation at first by careful teasing but a lesson s worth of dehydrating in the dry air of mr taylor s history class had fixed it firmly in place panic set in the humiliation of gum stuck in my hair it was now hanging like a pooey chugnut off a long haired retriever s arse there was only one thing for it art class next period i needed to take a pair of scissors to it my association with haircuts up to that point was not one which excited me usually my dad would take me on a sunday to the father of one of his friends who had been a barber before he retired and still did it from home presumably to fund his drinking of whisky and his obsessive smoking of capstan this man was old school he was incredibly scary but incredibly talented as a barber he could do a variety of cutting edge styles of the day as long as you didn t mind it always ending up as a short back and sides no one i ever saw come out of his living room ever looked anything other than either having just been conscripted or just been demobbed i knew why they all wore hats if he nicked your ear or neck when he was cutting he would just stick a dash of aftershave on it and carry on this was when aftershave was made from lemon juice and acid i don t think kevin keegan or henry cooper had launched the man smell revolution at that point if you made a fuss about being cut he would ask if you were a big baby and fidgeting because the hair was prickling your neck and going down the back of your shirt was punishable by a deliberate nick with the scissors followed by the aftershave and a finger forced into the wound this is only a personal suspicion and has no basis in fact haircuts at home didn t offer any more solace my mother decided one day that she could cut my hair as well as any barber and that she would cut my hair only unfortunately not as well as any barber in fact she was probably less talented in barbery sic than a barber with pickled gherkins for fingers wearing oven gloves who had been blinded by his own blunt scissors in a foolish running accident i am sure i protested before she began but it was her or the big baby baiter as a rule i think fringes should be cut straight in the first instance but if you find it is slightly uneven or at an angle after a first pass the worst thing to do is start repairing the damage from the too short end my mother did not know this handy tip i ended up looking a bit like this only without the makeup and uneven colouring my mother did however once dress me up in women s clothes complete with full makeup and a hair piece but that is another tale for another time okay it was for a fancy dress competition and she decided i was going to go as miss world the year was 1974 i think so not only a young boy dressed as a woman and not just any woman the most beautiful woman in the world but also forced to walk around our housing estate in front of peers and neighbours in a swimsuit with a padded bust and a sash that declared my miss worldliness in a neighbourly yet slightly sinister parade of other less fanciful fancy dressers and i was in a pair of my mum s heels as well my feet were killing me by the end of it did i win i hear you ask thank the gods no gail ferguson was brave enou...