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to be taken seriously then he was arrested it was 1995 so i was 12 and in seventh grade when my mom had to get on a plane with my dad s boss the only person we knew with enough money to buy two same day plane tickets and go pick up my dad from the mandatory psych hold he was under after he was released from the mental hospital 72 hours after being arrested my mom my dad and my dad s boss made the 12 hour drive back home to illinois in our tattered family minivan when they arrived my childhood died i was 12 then and today i m 40 and i didn t realize just how scared i d be that i too would have my first noticeable schizophrenic episode in my 40s it is often genetic after all as a teen i d always been told that most people have their first schizophrenic symptoms during puberty so when i made it through high school i let out a sigh of relief and when my two younger brothers graduated as well i let myself relax a bit after growing up surrounded by my dad s mental pain i didn t want that for them i did for a time want children but in the back of my mind i worried about them too it s one thing to see your dad have full fledged conversations with the aliens he sees in the dining room but i assume it s another to watch your own kid do it so maybe that s at least partly why i ended up child free at 40 engaged to a man who had a vasectomy we have 3 cats and last i checked cats don t get schizophrenia i keep wondering whether or not one knows when they re having a schizophrenic episode how real exactly does the delusion feel is it naive to hope that my excessive self awareness would puncture through enough for me to see some truth or would my perceived self awareness only make it worse and what is truth really if it feels real does it matter if it s not i watch tiktoks from schizophrenic millennials who overshare in a way that i m both desperately grateful for and selfishly uncomfortable with it s the closest i have to my dad s side of events and the most painfully direct exposure i have to the childhood trauma i ve worked so hard to forget i scour their content for understanding insights warning signs i don t know if this is the case for all schizophrenic people but my dad had a way of picking up like minded friends they d congregate at our house talking and chain smoking for so long that their thoughts and cigarettes formed thick clouds in our living room i d navigate around them while trying to find dinner for my brothers finish my homework or use the kitchen landline to call boys one roy was a neighbor he talked about things that don t sound all that crazy looking back how corrupt the us government was how taxation should be illegal how people could live in the moon no not on in and look i m not an astrophysicist maybe people can live in the moon space sure seems closer than it did at the turn of the century a few years after i left for college i got word that roy had killed his wife and then himself in a murder suicide is thinking that the us government is corrupt the first step in that series of events because if it is i m on the staircase i m honestly not sure if roy was ever officially diagnosed with schizophrenia i just know that he and my dad had the same vibes and roy s story ended tragically but people with severe mental illness are much more likely to be the victims of violence than they are to inflict it and my dad was never physically violent with any of us his health did cause me a lot of stress though at first as a teen it was just survive don t let my brothers drown get through junior high graduate high school finish college find a job keep that job ride out the chaos don t let go in my early 30s i finally got some time to notice my life i started seeing a psychiatrist mainly for my debilitating anxiety and he told me that everything i told him sounded exactly the same as everything that every other child of a schizophrenic parent told him that helped it wasn t just me others were also trying to untangle the trauma others had the same lasting issues there wasn t much i could have done differently there wasn t some secret superior way of handling things that i should have found it just was what it was my psychiatrist taught me that i could have empathy for how difficult it must have been for my dad to parent with schizophrenia while also acknowledging how painful it was for me to have had him as my parent learning how to believe both of those things at the same time is what eventually helped me learn how to set healthy boundaries i started to stand up for myself in romantic relationships i found a partner who encouraged me to be assertive i mostly stopped talking to my dad last year in 2022 my dad died covid he was 67 research shows that schizophrenia is the second highest risk factor for death from covid with only age being worse the theory is that increased risk of physical health issues for patients with schizophrenia causes increased risk of death from the virus but if schizophrenia is anything it s complicated for my dad it was in large part because the schizophrenia made him especially susceptible to anti vax propaganda his mind loved conspiracies and moral absolutes he never got the shot and three weeks after testing positive his kidneys failed and his heart stopped when i found out he had covid i realized immediately that he d likely die as a result he d been battling other physical health issues for years so i correctly assumed his body wouldn t be able to fight it off to be honest though i had almost the same realization when i found out he was refusing the vaccine but i didn t do anything i assumed that choice would eventually kill him but i didn t call him and beg him to get it i didn t drive the two hours to his house and work to convince him i didn t go with him to any of his doctor appointments where a medical professional could have helped me try to convince him i just let it go i had put decades of my life into trying to help him when my brothers and i were still his dependents there wasn t any other choice but i m older now and my brothers are safely living their own lives as adults too i just didn t have any fight left in me for my dad he never wanted to be rescued so i didn t even try this time we cremated him and my brothers and his current wife each took a third of his ashes i assume they judged me for declining but it was one of the easiest decisions i d ever made i don t think it s a coincidence that i ve lost 52 lbs since my dad died food was my go to childhood coping mechanism the only available dopamine source and even as an adult when my dad would try to call me i d feel myself walking toward the kitchen almost like on autopilot i didn t have the luxury of holding onto his ashes without flashbacks so i let them go and i thought the story was finally over but i didn t realize how worried i d be to enter my own 40s constantly wondering if anything around me or inside my head was actually a schizophrenic delusion are my cats real is my fiancé what does it feel like to convince yourself that you own an nfl team on the east coast my best friend april and i met when i was 15 so the schizophrenic version of my dad was the only version she ever knew but she was there for a lot of it going to the police station with me when we needed to ask about the process for getting my dad forcibly committed uncomfortably trying to sleep in jagged hospital lobby chairs while we waited for updates from the doctors cleaning up the house and taking care of my younger brothers when he was gone for those three day holds i m sure that part of the reason april and i are still friends 25 years later is that it s really hard to find people who understand what that was like i used to try to explain it to people but i quickly realized most people couldn t understand they d bring up a beautiful mind a representation of schizophrenia that my dad absolutely hated or they d tell me how their mom was anxious a lot when they were a kid as if that was in any way the same as growing up with a dad who signed his emails timelord because he thought he could manipulate time during one of my dad s early episodes he played a george thorogood cd at full volume on repeat for days and nights he paced our tiny townhouse living room talking to himself while i tried to stay out of his verbal crossfire even now the first few notes of one bourbon one scotch one beer make me feel physically sick when we met my fiancé chris had it on his driving playlist and i made him delete it but as i sit here tonight officially 40 years old for the last 2 hours and 34 minutes i take a second to evaluate that interaction is my fiancé even real or is he some sort of long term delusion there are photos of us together though i tell myself so i think probably yes ok yes chris is real it s been almost three decades since my dad thought he owned the carolina panthers and schizophrenia treatment has made depressingly little progress if i do have it i doubt my life would be much easier than his he spent at least a year homeless he worried about money until the end and as far as i know the voices he heard only died when he did chris finds me sitting in the dark at 3 a m typing this out and i confide my year 40 fears in him he sits down next to me on the couch rubs my feet and tells me that the fact that i made it past 35 means i m probably in the clear that the possibility of truly having your very first schizophrenic episode at 41 is so rare that it could be considered impossible that we probably missed things back then that my dad probably did have symptoms before that i don t know if it s true but i want it to be i take a guilty comfort in the idea that my dad had been struggling with severe mental illness even longer than any of us realized maybe i ll be safe maybe i ll avoid his fate and if there s one thing i learned from my dad it s how to i don t know if it s true but i want it to be so i close my eyes and let it go leave a comment a defense of my life is hopeless outlook published august 16 2023 updated august 16 2023 crystal uncategorized according to boccaccio some men became abstemious and withdrew from outside human contact while others did the opposite and indulged in all of life s pleasures they saw life as an enormous joke and wanted to take advantage of the time they had remaining some like camus reach the conclusion that life is a meaningless struggle against death others like reade and boccaccio try to deal with the disaster and make sense of it somehow these quotes really resonated with me this morning i stumbled onto this twitter thread by someone whom i believe is named liz based on her username she posted about a 2009 college paper she wrote about the historical response to the black plague and this specific part some like camus reach the conclusion that life is a meaningless struggle against death yes i envy those who are able to ignore our current plague all signs are pointing to another devastating covid winter ahead more death is coming if you ll permit me to do so i will offer one defense of my life is hopeless outlook when it comes to indulging in life s pleasures i do believe my day to day is my favorite thing most of my days are spent at home with my fiancé chris our cats i ve been reorganizing my life post corporate layoff life so that i don t wake up every day with a stomachache of anxiety over unread emails i m volunteering at a cat shelter enjoying the peace that comes with eating vegan and clearing the sludge of the last few years out of my brain my days are better now than they were espresso in the morning hummus pretzels a coke for lunch and lots of intellectual discussion with chris throughout the day those are all the same as before but they re different now better i still freelance i m still connected to the corporate world but we also run a small online lego re sell store now and i wholeheartedly prefer this life to the one i was living in the beginning of 2022 the death never stops the ones from covid the ones not from covid and the ones that could have been covid but we just don t know for sure we lost chris mom aug 3 she died from pneumonia after a long battle with other health conditions her life was hard in so many ways our society failed her as covid surges i m bracing to lose more lives both directly and indirectly for now i guess all we can really do is try to deal with the disaster and make sense of it somehow so let me know if you figure any of this out i d love to make sense of any of it leave a comment there once was a man named b counter published june 8 2023 updated june 9 2023 crystal uncategorized there once was a man named b counter he counted out beans by the hour he d sort through them all both the large and the small until one day he just fucking died and all he had to show for it was a bunch of dumb bean piles that didn t even belong to him and when the chief bean officer found out he just shrugged and then he told mrs h resources to make ms unpaid intern no 53 sweep the millions of sorted out beans into one huge green gray office trash bin thereby casually undoing all of the meticulous work that mr b counter had spent most decades of his life doing the intern complied and then she rolled the bin of beans down the hall to a dim blank brown office where mr n guy was excitedly setting up to start sorting out all the beans all over again and sometimes mr new guy would find like one or two extra beans that they didn t know about before and he would get really excited so he d email the cbo and very specifically ask him where he wanted the beans to go and the cbo would reply to the and or question with thx leave a comment posts navigation 1 2 3 254 search search about the author contact me subscribe sign up to receive an email for all new posts it s free yay name email tips if you like what you read feel free to live a tip archives archives select month october 2023 1 august 2023 1 june 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