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Text of the page (random words):
all i still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing agatha christie a tale of two kerchieves ms du maurier rebecca muse cruise i have sometimes been wildly despairingly acutely miserable racked with sorrow but through it all i still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing agatha christie search a part of me and a bit of you 13 wednesday apr 2022 posted by shankari in blogroll 3 comments in the venn diagram of my life i am messy of course everything intersects or bisects somewhere at times at many places yet there are these myriad secluded coves within each one a microcosm expanding and contracting to fill up the available space with a self contained set of relationships and identities they may ordinarily be safe havens yet an unusually high or low tide may flood them or dessicate them cutting off the vital supply of mindspace and physical presence but once created these paths of energy endure mindless of the continued supply of nourishing emotional sustenance each mind set in turn seems to have many subsets nested within like a beautiful pattern of fractals but like all such seemingly perfect patterns there are certain irregularities and it is these which lend the unique character to the maddeningly random plan of life is my pattern messier than yours are there more components in this diagram than in others is the set of linkages between the sets and their subsets stronger or less vivid than yours perhaps like that popular erratic lyricist said do i and you each one of us live in scraps awaiting our call from others strangers living similarly in parts a part of me and a bit of you and you and you are we the mosaic of our collective congealed consciousness with only the exposed facet of the moment to distinguish one from the other obviously the mosaic itself is a throbbing organic creature going through its brownian random walk and acted upon by the dimension of time why do i capitalise that word is it so significant is it singular or is it too another mosaic of past present future warping and wrapping on itself regardless for now let s limit time to a speck a dot defined by its intersection across multiple dimensions axes do you too have unexplored unlived parts like me large tracts of lazy lumpiness which lie under your skin waiting to be discovered lived and tried do you also find yourself stuck in places which are more comfortable even if they are speckled with lashes of pain physical or emotional or are you okay with occasional widening of your space dwelling longer and deeper in some and moving on to others thereafter or even simultaneously do you suddenly catch yourself bobbing with the waves or at times stuck in a particularly tight position with various forces of nature and even many unnatural ones pounding a distinctly nasty pattern on you or marvelled at your inconsequentiality in the larger patterns while experiencing the depths of despair and the euphoric delights of joy at seemingly mundane things like the cry of an inconsolable baby or a brilliant sunrise are there censorial taboos limiting your life experience they may define you by keeping out what you choose to not do not be enriching you perhaps with the certainty of a well loved structure your own signature pattern of moods personality relationships and life i m this i m that i am not all that i listen i don t and often i won t i grow i stagnate often i conflate i flow i stay and yet decay i m foolish i m wise not always nice i giggle i wail at all life entails my song down the drain 28 monday feb 2022 posted by shankari in blogroll leave a comment there it s finally done love swirling eddies where there were none swift movements and it s over now litter thick slick organic stuff clung tight to the sides down deep down there it s finally done love caustic soda dunked in tough love acidic chaser bubby fun swift movements and it s over now the muddy drain is open wow water pushing through the gunk there it s finally done love swift movements and it s over now while i have finally managed to unblock a dirt encrusted drain i shall now attempt to keep up the flow multiple mental blocks need my attention now and hopefully they ll be addressed one by one meanwhile hi of other days 28 monday nov 2016 posted by shankari in blogroll leave a comment s talking to you was far from the outlet i had believed it to be it swarmed around me till i actually dunked my head in a pool the buzzy cloud of our memories periodically it happens nasreen and the kids now see the black spells coming and know that they should just let me be and after it passes i go back to being the caring husband and father drawn not only by the pull of love but bound by the glue of guilt exhausted after the intense bouts at the gym or the pool i lie down and let the kids gather around me in a celebration of family horse play and bonding at times these spells wear off in a few hours but there are occasions when a spell lasts up to a week do you have these too do the people around you also let you be and perhaps put it down to pms does your husband treat you as kindly as nasreen treats me strange how she alone among all my cousins had been introduced to you as my girlfriend by my parents only to be married off to me by her parents and our grandparents stranger still how she never said no to the proposal she who could have had any eligible bachelor wooing her being married to the cousin who she knew loved another woman yet it helped that i didn t need to pay much attention to getting to know her and make her feel at home she tried to cook exactly as ammi had dressed like her read her books wore her jewelry and did her damnest to run the house just as she had she blended in in the early days when someone asked nasreen what she did and she answered that she was a house wife it was such an exact answer she worked very hard at being the house wife my house wife and ensured that everything was just so not that i noticed back then it took me many years to appreciate what she had done for me and to try and repay in my meager fashion after you left there was this gaping void in my life which i tried to fill in any which manner i indulged in all excesses food drink and sex the ad agency i was working at gave me plenty of opportunity to travel and indulge i was wildly promiscuous partly because that was something i could do in all those remote locations and tacky studios but mostly because of the women i had never been so available earlier and they were all over me it was tiresome business and just mildly pleasurable apparently my partners found it a great kick to be able to tell their friends that they had done me things continued in this vein for nearly a year before my grandparents broached the topic of my marriage with n do you remember her she had tagged along with us once for a movie and she was awe struck by our relationship and she kept wishing she could have such a love too we both remember that day but have never spoken of it if she resents you she doesn t show it in any way either she keeps that sorrow a secret from me or she is truly a great woman our relationship has now been cemented by time and the arrival of our bint and basheer you my sweet s are our shared secret never mentioned yet always a veil between us often i wonder how things worked out for you first impressions 10 thursday jan 2013 posted by shankari in blogroll random 1 comment it happened in a flash the nerve endings fired the synapses contracted the body leaped and responded like an efficient well oiled machine as if trained for just such an eventuality it was all over in seconds before rational thought could parse the stimulus the action it s ramifications and consequences sense making and analysis were indulgences which he knew were the prerogative of those who would never have done something like this yet sunil was feeling a bit crushed physically his clean but unremarkable features furrowed at the sight of his scruffed clothes and grimy hands he had wanted to look good today what young man would risk his life and limb for an old doddering fellow so scruffy that he seemed just one step above being termed a beggar the man had been saved in the nick of time just as he was about to slip his step and fall into the tracks in the melée for the last train of the morning it would have been easy to miss the sight of a near vagabond disappear into the treacherous tracks yet of all the hundreds who were there on the platform it was sunil whose reflexes were the quickest in moments the train shuddered out of the station with only that particular coach being uncharacteristically uncrowded with only that old coot managing to stay focused on getting onto to the train those who were in that part of the platform seemed so transfixed that they realized the impact of sunil s act on their own routines only after the train doors clicked shut and it gathered momentum among the onlookers there was a frisson of thrill catching a near death in their midst miraculously transformed into a heroic save was far beyond the average morning commuter s daily quota of excitement women fawned over him pressing their pillowy bosoms into him as they kept touching him in what would been considered inappropriate places men too crowded round him slapping his back pummeling him hugging and lauding him loudly in the choicest words of refined praise tinged with what could be considered wholesome mock abuse sunil was naturally shy and he found his personal space under attack as he fended their advances rather ineffectually but the appreciation didn t abate the next train was not due for quite some time there were people dancing around him taking pictures and asking him to pose for them who would have thought that there could be such a large congregation of jobless people on the bustling platform of this city and for what just one moment s reaction to a random stranger s accidental action what if sunil hadn t seen what if he d seen but stayed on course in his determined bid to get a foothold in a relatively empty coach or what if he d tried to save the old geezer and missed and unbidden the thought followed what if the old man in his panic had managed to take sunil down with him he shuddered when that thought caught up with him his nebulous connect with his surroundings snapped as he imagined his parents back home in kanpur being officially and coldly informed of their bereavement and what would savita have done for the first time that morning the full ramifications of his impulsive action hit him but what could he have done watched as an overeager old man got swallowed by a hungry train and the train it couldn t have left the station if it ran over a man could it so anyway he wouldn t have been able to make it to that appointment he has promised savita he would keep today if he didn t meet her old man today savita had threatened that she wouldn t marry him gradually there was a bit of a lull people made all manner of gracious gestures and short of offering him monetary rewards had bestowed numerous encomiums on him how many ways could they laud him and in how many ways could he thank them slowly sunil began to flex himself testing his limbs which had been thoroughly patted slapped thumped and caressed as he stood straighter he saw a person standing by leaning on a pillar watching him sunil stood on tip toe and boldly waved a hand at the person and he waved back with his graceful fluid movements sunil escaped his ring of admirers and glided across to the older man that was a very brave thing you did son only an exceptional human being could have done it i am happy today to see that there are such youth in this heroic country you just saved a life and have heroically reaffirmed our faith in heroism your parents must be proud of having a remarkable son like you erm mr joshi umm uncle my name is sunil sunil singh i was here to meet you today maybe savita told you we are colleagues and i love your daughter and we want to get married with your blessings an evening in the park 06 sunday jan 2013 posted by shankari in blogroll 5 comments seetu what a perfect name for such a pretty little girl from the moment i saw her i knew that i would call her seetu my own darling seetu she was down at the park where i could see her easily from my desk in that pretty summery pink gingham dress with embroidered posies she tempted me to go out wearing my matching jessica simpson shoes teemed with the pale pink dress i d picked up last month i quickly reproduced the look i had been practicing for a while and was down at the park laden with goodies for my seetu but first i had to deal with the ayah i don t what it is about these idiotic women that i let them threaten and overwhelm me i ve had my share of ayahs that are respectful and let me give gifts to the little one and pamper her but these are few and far usually the ayah looks at me sternly and shoos me off me me can you imagine anyone telling me off today is a good day this one seems relieved that i am here so that she can spend some quality time with that leery driver lounging at the edge of the park seetu is sweetness personified she gurgles and giggles at the goodies gathering them up only to throw them into the air she starts opening the packets and things come tumbling out all the smart shiny stuff any little girl would love there are gift wrapped picture books pop up books hair ornaments and clips and satin ribbons peeping out of cellophane windows and pencils in so many colourful boxes and crayons and pieces of chalk tied up in a crepe ribbon she is pleased and plants a deep wet kiss on me cheek i drink in her baby smells and nuzzle into her time goes by in a blur it is getting to be dark the ayah has come back without her driver boyfriend soon i would have to kiss seetu goodnight but suddenly there is a commotion there are far too many people in the park suddenly men why should these well dressed men be at the park at this hour and why is that shoddily dressed lady shouting so loudly they gather around me they are talking loudly too loudly i can hear all those frenzied pitying words mrs s has never fully recovered from the death of her baby three years ago oh these hateful horrible people they keep trying to label me pity me separate me from my kids seetu my love come to mama older posts blog stats 16 786 hits recent comments jlennidorner on a part of me and a bit of samantha bryant on a part of me and a bit of holly jahangiri on a part of me and a bit of jay on preserve aastha on memories yaadein recent posts a part of me and a bit of you my song down the drain of other days first impressions an evening in the park pages a tale of two kerchieves ms du maurier rebecca archives april 2022 february 2022 november 2016 january 2013 october 2012 march 2012 february 2012 july 2011 november 2010 august 2010 july 2010 april 2010 march 2010 october 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009...