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Text of the page (random words):
this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty albert einstein on sept 11 2001 between 4 30 and 5 00 a m est four hours before the terrorist attack on the world trade center occurred several computers dedicated to a project aimed at measuring emotional fluctuations on a global level began to transmit frenzied patterns events such as large traffic jams or the simultaneous ignition of millions of radio and television sets seeking news channels were just some of the examples collected from computers measuring behaviour that shifted from a relatively random pattern to suggesting a collective consciousness that seemed to anticipate the tragedy the article went on to talk about other similar patterns of world behaviour which happened right before major events food for thought eh i ve always known we were connected but not to this extent each person is but a tiny micro organism in this huge mighty world and yet everything we do say and think makes a ripple throughout the entire universe the way animals can sense natural disasters we too can sense when a tragedy is going to affect a part of the entire universe a part of us as one body really my father posted 27 j000000wednesday07 2007 filed under uncategorized comments 9 i m not someone who confides in my dad coz that s who he is a strict often temperamental man of few words but when he does speak he speaks a thousand and one things of life and love and death of pain and joy of things happening around the world of politics i ve never met anyone like my dad someone who knows so much my dad had a mild heart attack last week i went into his room to ask him to wake me up the next morning at 7 i found him collapsed on his bedroom floor it was the scariest moment in my life what with my mum and sis in phuket i had to rush him to gh at like 2am in the morning i thank god for this in a strange way it has made me much closer to my dad that night was also the first time since as far back as i can remember that i kissed him on the cheek in the hospital yesterday my mum s phone was charging in the living room i looked through her smses and found one from my dad he knows nuts about typing msgs but he sent her an i love u msg as simple as that 3 words probably took him 3 minutes to type out i was surprised and amused and touched i was feeling really blue earlier about all the recent events in my life when i walked past my dad s room i saw him sitting there quietly listening to the radio with a can of beer in one hand the usual i just felt so sad looking at him alone there sick tired weary i wasn t sure if i was feeling sad for myself or him but i went into the room to tell him i love him i do that alot these days because i want to make sure he knows he always thinks we don t care about him that we hold it against him for not being the sort of father who actively participates in our lives i ve never held anything against my dad i know my parents have done all they could in their lifetimes to raise us up to the best of their abilities and i know that my father is an amazing man with alot of love in his heart so i needed him to know that earlier too but when i entered the room he suddenly sort of jumped up and asked me if i was okay before i could say anything i told him i was and asked him why he looked so sad and he just looked at me and told me that he knew what i was going through that s when i started crying i didn t want him to see but he saw anyway i cried because i knew too that it pains him to see me this way i was crying for the man infront of me whom i loved very much and for the person i had become i sat beside him for once in my life and allowed him to wipe away my tears because i needed that so badly because i knew deep down that even my mum does not have the capacity to read me like my dad can because i wanted him to know that it s never too late to be happy again that i appreciated him for all he was and all he would ever be he told me to take my time to sort things out he told me that he knew what i was made of that i don t have to ever feel low about anything in life that i ll always have them there that it did not matter what i chose to do with my life so long as i was happy he promised he d support me come jan 7 when i pursue to get my license and car he said he has made plans this december he wants to bring me to anfield to watch liverpool play along with his colleague he told me that i made him want to live again to get out there and really live again he told me so many things i look back now on my life my years growing up at how they ve always been there i ve been searching high and low not really knowing what i ve been lookin for but now i realise that all i was ever searching for exists in my parents already i love my daddy so so much and my mummy too i will stand tall and walk again if not for myself for my parents at least happy 26th aniversary today mom and dad that s a quarter of a century of trials and tribulations tears pain and ultimately love kudos to the both of you for setting a perfect example to your kids the sweetest husband and bestest dad in the world this is posted 27 j000000monday07 2007 filed under uncategorized leave a comment this is a big week for me in a lot of ways i ll write more about it at another time when the dust has settled you see i do my best thinking when i m alone this holiday week that is just about all i m going to do work and think hours and hours of thinking sure the thought process was being interrupted by countless calls to persuade hod s of various schools to purchase adam khoo s workshop but i have settled my soul finally with some big decisions i punch go on the process of these decisions this week i have to i have been in a such a state of spin cycle lately i can t do it anymore i m worn out yes people will be hurt i ll hurt but hurt is temporary hurt heals when the decision is right everyone comes out better in the end you just have to hold on to your faith and that s my plan i like that plan i spent a lot of time with my sister today at one point we were sitting in the famous rocking chairs at the coffeeshop near the porch of my grannies discussing as usual our love lives and or the lack thereof much of the conversation was about our fears of the unknown will we ever find him her have we already found him her and just don t know it yet will we make yet another mistake should we just settle even when we feel that familiar tug at our heart to hold out i looked across the way to the two rocking chairs in front of us there sat the nieghbours who appeared to be sisters probably in their 80s if they weren t sisters then they were best friends they were looking over the menu trying to decide what to have for dinner they were as dressed up as can be for a wedding and 80 years old their night on the town i looked at my sister and told her that no matter what decisions we make today the inevitable truth is that we can t escape growing old our appearance will fade our energy will diminish what s for dinner will become much more important than which heels to wear with what jeans hell we probably won t even own a pair of jeans point is this is it one life it s not a dress rehearsal both of us have been fortunate to enjoy second even third chances but we re not getting any younger sure we still feel 10 and most of the time i act like i m still 10 as each year passes we ll feel it and see it but there is still a lot of time between both sets of rocking chairs we both have the chance to get it right to seize happiness with both hands and not let go to appreciate the blessings we do have and not worry so much about the things and people we wish we have but don t we have the time to take a new look at the people who consider us a gift and treat us like one rather than settle for partners who look at us as only options partners who may or may not get back to us when they realize the grass isn t always greener while they wait so do we and time marches on the point of my trip today was to go to my grannies house and get the porch swing this isn t just any porch swing it s the swing that i literally spent hours if not days rocking with my uncle and granny usually uncle talking about anything and everything in the world without fail he would reach over and high five me or punch me when he talked i could not have felt more special or more loved than on that swing with him sure maybe his stories were long and about a time i couldn t begin to relate to but they were full of color humor nostalgia intelligence and warmth that porch swing to me signifies love life all of the beautiful things that god wants us to know feel experience appreciate and give thanks for the swing is well more than 20 years old and has seen better days even so it was loaded up into my uncle s truck which i bravely sat amongst two small children and carted off from thier old hillview place where he has promised to restore it as much as possible so that i can rock my children on the swing and hopefully one day my own grandchildren i can t go to that house without feeling a rush of warmth love and belonging no one lives there the homes are void of people but still filled with furnishings photos and memories the homes even smell the same as i remember them from my childhood the house is a reminder that i have a starting place in this world people cared enough about me to love me and support me and push me off into the world to go find my own happiness while there i discovered a beautiful photo of granny and papa on what my father believes was probably their wedding day or close to it they were hugging and all smiles they made it about 70 years together in love i have no chance of making it 70 years with anyone but i do have a chance for love this time it won t be the kind of love where the scales are so unbalanced where i feel like my love is enough for the both of us where i feel like she ll come around if i could get in return what i give well i can t even imagine once we left the farm we drove back to the old folk s home near princess elizabeth primary and went to the alzheimer s dementia retirement home where my granny now resides she doesn t really know anyone except for my father she is happy although she will never understand why she s there or how it happened and that s ok frankly we re not sure if she even remembers papa the house or any of the major parts of her life she is always happy to see us even if she s not entirely sure who we are i choose to believe that somewhere way deep down inside there is a spark of recognition of love even if she can t identify who or how as she ate her dinner delighted in the smallest of things a cookie or a smile from a friend i thought back to the conversation my sister and i shared outside of something purposefully tragic you can t write the last chapter of your life it s not for us to decide when we re born we have this clean slate we re about the cutest we ll ever be perfect little babies and we are surrounded by love care and constant attention then we live our lives the good and bad choices the horrible mistakes the blissful moments and the mundane hum of everyday life but every breath we take every minute that passes places us closer to the only thing that is inevitable the end and when that happens do you feel grateful that you made safe choices and did what everyone else who are probably not even alive anymore wanted you to do do you feel relief that you let fear of the unknown kept you on a predictable path where you couldn t even feel this exquisite life that god gave you or do you have regrets that you passed on chances that you always took the traveled and worn roads do you wish you would have said what you always meant to say kiss who you always wanted to kiss dance when you felt like it laughed until it hurt even when no one else knew why said yes said no gone for it said what the hell helped someone rather than passed by prayed more hugged even when it felt awkward said i love you every time danced and laughed with your parents and friends i looked around the dining room of my sweet granny s retirement home and i couldn t begin to imagine the journeys of the people at these tables many who could barely lift a fork to their mouth or have any sort of conversation with their seat mates why couldn t that be me it happened to my smart as a whip grandmother who was so full of life and love why couldn t my sister and i turn into the old people at cracker barrel where deciding on which sides to go with our pot roast is the biggest thrill of the day maybe their husbands were inside maybe they were still in love with those men after all of these years or maybe not maybe they never met the one and they sit there rocking content but settled wondering what if i went home today with so many thoughts running through my mind many of them scattered and unfinished at best one very clear thought however was that for as long as i can remember i have done everything in my life to please other people and i am ok with that it s a nice way to live and it s thoughtful i have waited patiently while the person i love hurts me time and time again before seeing the light and realizing i ve been right for her all along leaving me to feel alone and like honorable mention throughout our relationship i have put together a list of what i want in a mate only to settle for only a portion of those things just hoping that maybe just maybe she ll grow into it i have loved and given so much of myself to just about everyone in my life and i have taken joy in doing so and when i feel it in return it s priceless but that doesn t always happen what s the saying show people how you wanted to be treated and that s how they ll treat you well the doormat aspect of my personality has really created a huge problem for me here so if in the end i m either in the rocking chair on the porch of a coffeeshop where the highlight of the evening is having pancakes for dinner or in a retirement home where someone is affixing a bib around my neck well who knows what will really be running through my mind i hope i have great memories a heart full of love hilarious stories to tell my kids and grandkids i hope someone is driving 7 hours with screaming kids in the back seat to pick up the porch swing that has made it through generations simply just to breathe in a special memory of me i hope i can think of her and smile my biggest smile knowing that in a matter of years our souls will be joined once again as god intended i hope that she smiles that same smile even when we re 80 i hope our kids and grandkids use us an example for their own relationships i hope that they forgive me for the choices i had to make for myself and also in a strange way for them i hope they one day understand as i smiled thinking of the memory of my sweet uncle taking my hand every time as he talked to me i thought about how many t...