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Text of the page (random words):
enefits of forgiveness alone we need the full and complete cooperation of our transgressor and therein lies the quandary those with the capacity to destroy the lives of their children seldom if ever see the need to repair so you see ed the ball is most definitely not in my court leave a comment yesterday s email december 20 2016 december 21 2016 silence shattered ed shockley edward shockley uncategorized anger character ed s bullshit family fatherhood fathers human nature my life parenting principles reality the truth understanding hi tim i guess because it is christmas ir sic hanukkah jewish annual doy sic of atonement that i m reaching out to you first may you rhonda rachael sic nicholas and wesley sic all have a blessed and joyfull sic christmas and new year next in tune with hanukka sic i want to say i m sorry for all the angry feeling i ve had toward you this year and want to apologise sic for any of those that have hurt you this may sound conrtite sic or strange but in listening to a jewish psycologist sic friend of mine explain the purpose for hannukka sic and its asking for forgiveness as he explaind sic forgiveness blesses both the forgiven in that the guilt and pain is expunged and the forgiver in that forgivness sic is the beginning of healing and i hope both of these for you my reply ed the jewish day of atonement is not hanukkah it is yom kippur known as the jewish day of atonement yom kippur begins on the evening of 11 october it falls each year on the 10 th day of the jewish month of tishrei ten days after rosh hashanah the jewish new year yom kippur is a day to reflect on the past year and ask for forgiveness for any sins rosh hashanah extends to asking forgiveness of god hanukkah is a jewish holiday celebrated for eight days and nights in december this holiday commemorates the re dedication of the holy temple in jerusalem following the jewish victory over the syrian greeks in 165 b c e i m an atheist because i ve studied religions forgiveness although is can be said that we will all have need for the gift of forgiveness both as forgiver and forgiven at some point in our lives it is far more complicated than the assigned rhetoric or dogma will have you believe it is not a single act but a sustained and ongoing process dependent upon the sincere and devout works of the transgressor which in turn allows for an open heart in those he has wounded forgiveness can only be the beginning of healing when the transgressor admits his wrongdoing assumes all responsibility for what he did as well as for what it caused and then endeavors to make it right whatever that takes for as long as it takes without this forgiveness is a fallacy meaningless and empty for both parties anger is not a primary emotion it is secondary a choice we make and it is seldom if ever valid anger provides a surge of energy and makes us feel temporarily in control and it is far more comfortable to feel in the moment than our true emotions usually sadness defeat fear anxiety dread vulnerability you ed have always chosen anger the father i remember was always mad always nothing has changed i do not care that you were angry with me this year that was your choice everything from beginning to end was and is on you all i did was tell my story if you wanted the ending to be different you should have taken greater care while writing it and if you wanted forgiveness for what you ve done you d have taken a far different tactic when you felt threatened and confronted you d have remembered that you are the source for all that has come to pass and held yourself accountable you chose anger i think you may need a reminder i am not like those in your life now i know who and what you really are i am not fooled by your false wisdom or attempts at intellect i won t fall for that calm placating voice and the manipulations of others it affords you i am the son you cruelly and brutally abused i ve seen and lived your darkness there is no light or goodness in you that i can find tim leave a comment reconciliation a caution based on what i ve learned december 9 2016 december 9 2016 silence shattered child abuse ed shockley pat shaw uncategorized anger character child abuse ed shockley edward shockley estranged family estranged from father estranged from parents estrangement failed reconciliation fathers life mental health pain principles reality reconciliation the legacy of abuse the truth tough love understanding you begin to heal when you say no more it took me a long time to recognize that to feel the efficacy within no more it happened gradually when i realized the balance of power had naturally shifted because i had grown up eventually i shut the door and never went back for me no contact was the answer and i maintain i had no choice but many abuse survivors don t walk away for whatever reason they hold on to dysfunction often enduring a lifetime of abuse the attempt at reconciliation with ed was a mistake on my part people do not change i still believe people can change but it takes a level of focus and commitment few possess it s hard enough to make subtle changes to lose weight or resolve to save more money changing the whole of who we are is damn near impossible and when dealing with an abuser the need is a change in everything they are so i ll amend that i believe we can change aspects of who we are but we cannot change our essence or our core a man who can beat his child brutally and without mercy will always be that man real change begins with deep personal reflection devoid of any and all denial and progresses to the assumption of full responsibility for what you did and for what it caused finally it entails making amends not just with yourself but with everyone you have hurt this last part can take the remainder of an abuser s lifetime and those imbued with the capacity to abuse aren t the kind who invest themselves in taking care of the wounds of others they remain readily able to inflict pain but not to soothe it reconciliation with your abuser is a risky proposition and it almost always fails in the trial we are reminded of the pain it can be a living hell i went to dinner with my father sat beside him at a ballgame or theatrical production spoke of trivial things and not so trivial things but it never felt right or ok i was always his child in those moments something i did not want to be something i never wanted to be something i wouldn t wish upon my worst enemy he was and ever will be the father who beat and tortured me the man i so feared and despised i learned a great deal in our correspondence the written word so revealing of who we are inside he was candid very matter of fact in his narcissism and grandiose belief in who he is today so delusional in his own certainty in who he is excerpt 10 25 2014 i have been thinking that one of my favorite plays and recent movie les mis has much meaning to my life with janet janet my sister with developmental delays i m not good at character names but i m sure you and rachael my daughter can follow along i m thinking janet and myself as the characters the ex prisoner and the woman s small child if i hadn t stepped up to take care of janet she would have remained in the state hospital system and would have died simply a lost sole and her beauty and love cloistered from the world very determined to make me believe he was different he played upon my compassion and empathy he tried desperately to manipulate my feelings october 12 2014 tim i came back early from my retreat at the camaldise monastery at big sur i usually go off for a retreat at least once a year and alternate between big sur and the monastery of the redwoods west of garberville i usually go to get away for a few days where i can just be alone fitting for the introvert i am the first day is mostly meditating and falling asleep as i meditate and simply catching up on needed rest so why is this important during one of these sleeping meditations i woke up and realized i was crying at 1 st i thought i was happy because of the wonderful family e mail i had received before i left for the monastery it took only a few seconds to realize that was not it at all i was extremely sad it was because into the middle of the ideal family e mail spanning 20 30 years there was a period of horrific pain anger and mental distress for which i was responsible and the pain hurt i got up closed the door to my room and sat with that pain crying some more then sat there and thought how i was going to say this to you i came home a day early thinking the long drive would help me decide how to tell you and arrived late last night i was too emotionally drained and tired to put this down in words last night so i went to bed and am writing it now this is how it came out when considering reconciliation with an abusive parent there is a ten point check list to determine your own readiness but perhaps the single most important consideration is this have we both experienced significant emotional growth and change since we estranged or are we the same as we were at the time of our estrangement i will say that it is crucial that you have grown and healed but it is far more important that your parent has grown and this growth must include the ability to accept without comprise all of what they did all of what it caused and they must be willing to make it right whatever that entails for you and all of this must be sustained throughout the course of any relationship that follows be careful if it seems too easy never have the words if it seems too good to be true it probably is been more true be alert and ready to recognize false remorse manipulation and gaslighting and don t feel like you have to forgive until you are ready and if that time never comes understand that that is ok just as it took time and contemplation to understand exactly how damaging my abusive childhood was it will take time to fully process the impact of my failed attempt at reconciliation with my father it s painful to realize your parent is a monster but it s even more devastating to recognize that in the years of estrangement all they have done is sharpen their claws leave a comment suggested friends december 8 2016 december 8 2016 silence shattered ed shockley edward shockley pat shaw uncategorized estrangement facebook facebook friends generational abuse mother mother son estrangement multi generational abuse musings out loud thoughts pat shaw pat shockley patricia shaw patricia shockley stockholm syndrome terrible mother facebook suggested pat as a possible friend today for all the sophistication of that platform it does not comprehend complicated or estranged per the meme above i have often felt like a refugee from childhood my childhood was definitely something i had to endure then overcome but until i saw pat s picture this morning as facebook suggested i might friend her i hadn t much considered how she may feel about her own childhood i was never close to pat so we didn t discuss her relationship with her parents and i actually know very little about it i know a few facts for example her parents wouldn t speak to her for months after she became pregnant and had to marry ed whom they despised but even as she told me this story she never indicated how it made it her feel in retelling she was cold and detached as though it had happened to someone else looking at it through my now fifty four year old eyes with the heart and mind of a man who has gently raised three children not speaking to your daughter because she got pregnant is a cruel brutal and cold thing to do at a time when she needed them more than she ever had before they turned away she has to feel something about this retrospectively as well as in the moment but she didn t express feeling of any kind to me not anger betrayal pain or outrage nothing no emotion at all was she an abused child i know ed was but was pat my mother s parents were always good to me but that doesn t mean they were always good to their children case in point i m told my mother is a good grandmother to my niece and my aunt tells me her mother was a good grandmother to her children but pat was a terrible mother and my aunt says her mother wasn t always the best most nurturing mother either my mother s grasp on reality has always been tenuous my aunt s has always been razor sharp from what i recall pat was the dutiful daughter and she thought highly at least she behaved as though she thought highly of her mother my supposition is that the relationship my mother for her mother may have been based in a form of stockholm syndrome very much like my sister and pat something had to be amiss in pat s life for her to be able to do to her own children all the cruel and terrible things she did abuse is almost always generational abusers aren t born they are made why pat is as she is doesn t matter to me now it can t because i m in touch with my own why and you can t ever go back to what made you sick but maybe her answers don t lie only in what she did to me but in what someone else did to her she won t look and she ll never question she just isn t built to think critically or in complex ways so her answers will always elude her it s so much easier to blame than it is to understand no facebook pat shaw and i can never be friends leave a comment i will tell my story december 3 2016 december 3 2016 silence shattered ed shockley edward shockley pat shaw uncategorized bipolar disorder character child abuse childhood memories estrangement family father fatherhood life mother pain principles reality silence tell your story the truth understanding violators cannot live with the truth survivors cannot live without it there are those who still once again are poised to invalidate and deny us if we don t assert our truth it may again be relegated to fantasy but the truth won t go away it will keep surfacing until it is recognized truth will outlast any campaigns mounted against it no matter how mighty clever or long it is invincible it s only a matter of which generation is willing to face it and in so doing protect future generations from abuse christine oksana i will not go back to silence to a time when not proclaiming my truth made me complicit in pat and ed s lies i will not this blog has given me catharsis and solace and an unmitigated view of the events that shaped my young life and led to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder it is my story and i will tell it for others the perpetrators of abuse this blog is a stark cold bleak mirror reflecting the darkness of their soul it has led to embarrassment shame and even confession it has brought fervent denial offered in vain disbelieved by those who matter most it has exposed character flaws and vile repellent acts committed only by the cruel and depraved it has shined a light on generations of abuse morally bereft parenting practices that have led to estrangement alienation and mental illness it has brought me peace i have been fully well for a ...