Meta tags:

Headings (most frequently used words):

2013, january, october, 2012, in, the, time, singular, desire, may, 2016, april, 29, 16, about, me, old, news, blogroll, followers, directions, and, detours, since, between, measurements, fact,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
and (96), the (91), that (32), this (25), for (23), but (20), she (16), was (16), has (16), have (15), all (13), with (12), out (11), what (11), from (10), time (10), about (10), had (10), cycle (9), will (9), not (9), life (9), another (8), are (8), two (8), baby (8), 2010 (8), old (8), 2009 (8), new (8), you (7), appointment (7), last (7), back (7), after (7), may (7), work (7), march (7), much (7), self (7), home (7), fet (7), hope (7), been (7), now (7), iui (6), first (6), never (6), some (6), one (6), 2011 (6), december (6), april (6), 2013 (6), can (6), being (6), shadow (6), former (6), comments (6), posted (6), post (6), than (6), months (5), days (5), day (5), more (5), something (5), into (5), there (5), bfn (5), did (5), heartbeat (5), just (5), october (5), since (5), again (5), little (5), away (5), how (5), plan (5), get (4), who (4), receive (4), also (4), take (4), off (4), know (4), shows (4), knew (4), over (4), next (4), treatment (4), progesterone (4), trigger (4), only (4), things (4), too (4), which (4), january (4), july (4), years (4), part (4), could (4), would (4), many (4), planning (4), week (4), lining (4), think (4), failed (4), felt (4), going (4), thinking (4), show (4), very (4), always (4), point (4), happiness (4), don (4), any (4), way (3), call (3), when (3), internist (3), blood (3), tests (3), wrong (3), until (3), forward (3), november (3), feel (3), well (3), polyps (3), heart (3), surgery (3), both (3), says (3), results (3), hyperplasia (3), without (3), body (3), same (3), ultrasound (3), beta (3), third (3), blogging (3), february (3), september (3), august (3), june (3), really (3), her (3), personal (3), 2012 (3), singular (3), blog (3), desire (3), ttc (3), journey (3), having (3), found (3), coming (3), ivf (3), asked (3), screw (3), able (3), moving (3), visit (3), rest (3), left (3), before (3), year (3), brought (3), emails (3), because (3), due (3), date (3), finish (3), scan (3), logical (3), brain (3), donor (3), american (3), different (3), bit (3), between (3), preconception (2), seems (2), sent (2), mammogram (2), warnings (2), meds (2), sperm (2), bank (2), pick (2), perfect (2), ovulation (2), while (2), schedule (2), biopsy (2), leukemia (2), email (2), suspects (2), clearance (2), ruled (2), lack (2), suspected (2), follow (2), directions (2), look (2), begin (2), suspect (2), symptoms (2), ovulate (2), right (2), hsg (2), uterus (2), tells (2), removed (2), large (2), along (2), brings (2), oncologist (2), during (2), medicated (2), menopur (2), follies (2), protocol (2), happening (2), lupron (2), keep (2), month (2), cysts (2), angry (2), gone (2), twins (2), strong (2), where (2), official (2), frozen (2), soul (2), dark (2), 2016 (2), title (2), deep (2), hard (2), like (2), pain (2), decided (2), others (2), posts (2), test (2), negative (2), totally (2), yesterday (2), haven (2), myself (2), mother (2), cannot (2), let (2), end (2), consultant (2), want (2), doctor (2), impact (2), rather (2), must (2), obviously (2), come (2), pregnant (2), coworker (2), see (2), cube (2), knows (2), your (2), hours (2), resulted (2), delay (2), then (2), clinic (2), still (2), emotional (2), approaching (2), thought (2), concept (2), motherhood (2), quite (2), ago (2), human (2), exact (2), made (2), live (2), yet (2), fresh (2), slipping (2), spam (2), mock (2), find (2), lot (2), result (2), travel (2), corner (2), ethereal, theme, powered, blogger, check, gyn, perinatal, consult, perinatologist, provides, obligatory, ama, changes, sends, enthusiastic, positive, runs, routine, signs, registration, form, officially, register, pony, meet, does, full, health, background, screening, marvels, tracking, straight, orders, fsh, vacation, country, came, abnormal, wants, bone, marrow, rule, puts, appointments, hold, peri, thelassemia, severe, anemia, vitamin, supplements, change, diet, psychosomatic, exhausted, mid, spotting, jump, stirrups, convinced, conceive, unmedicated, whips, wanda, exclaims, dear, fibroids, sinks, hysterosonogram, hydrosalpinx, giant, masses, identified, lap, hysteroscopy, tubes, open, pictures, everything, including, paratubal, cyst, curse, glad, appt, someone, else, room, name, badge, reveal, complex, atypia, rapidly, developing, pre, cancerous, cells, discusses, hysterectomy, literally, leave, door, endomedtrial, biospsy, resolved, bravelle, fast, why, women, injections, barely, ready, add, bay, later, benched, adjusts, slightly, doesn, returned, five, follicles, seen, multiples, discussed, bfp, indicates, surreal, experience, confirmed, appears, second, weak, roller, coaster, graduate, prenatal, paperwork, reveling, them, dead, weeks, thoughts, darker, detours, followers, stirrup, queen, completely, anal, list, blogs, proves, missed, calling, organizer, blogroll, news, view, complete, profile, portion, accurate, easily, changed, obsession, began, resolving, grief, husband, road, here, looking, train, endured, heartache, wondering, bear, start, avid, follower, knowing, provided, information, support, subscribe, atom, older, failure, tomorrow, clear, turning, remain, 10dp5dt, arrived, wednesday, thursday, emailed, morning, gah, couple, rough, moments, fully, broken, down, allowed, slip, darkness, died, happen, put, trying, took, finances, commitments, monitoring, make, transfer, report, his, suggestions, absolutely, sure, included, issues, possible, hormonal, minute, though, maybe, even, appear, perfectly, buy, feeling, plans, sorted, austerity, measures, afford, trip, suppose, worse, christmastime, through, vienna, return, stateside, especially, death, million, cuts, thank, supportive, helpful, process, thousands, miles, alone, catch, sleep, today, unpack, try, sadness, anger, bubbling, below, surface, driving, force, reserves, purposely, choose, keeps, every, figures, prominently, job, unfulfilling, stress, sucking, instrument, wise, remember, shit, remembering, those, department, tell, midwife, friend, bringing, playing, fairness, say, memories, were, ing, together, people, asking, pile, absence, greater, importance, team, meeting, office, detail, top, priorities, projects, account, cancelled, flight, notice, airport, crying, getting, fact, considered, deleting, altogether, stubborn, streak, likes, prevented, chapter, holiday, closures, countries, hoped, wouldn, worked, anyway, problems, plague, thick, done, rounds, drug, called, gestin, low, bcp, history, teaches, anything, improvement, approaches, thinning, unless, mine, other, growth, pattern, defcom, state, shattered, bits, blow, ever, core, reason, humanity, central, component, fathom, plainly, identity, watched, pbs, explored, meaning, scientists, once, expectation, accepts, altered, reality, search, latch, allows, watching, ironically, opposite, science, facts, presented, sense, wish, turn, disconnect, gladly, working, contributing, society, good, citizen, pay, taxes, recycle, compost, most, granted, appreciate, embarrassment, family, pitied, tried, eleventy, billion, times, stressful, measured, said, move, giddy, relief, wrote, front, desk, making, prepare, late, usual, relayed, picture, newly, slim, impressed, rejected, happened, beyond, frustrating, apart, patient, owe, loyalty, choice, abide, however, timeline, med, regime, chipped, sanity, illusion, control, physical, abnormality, better, word, around, help, chance, hate, goal, whole, blasted, thing, plane, age, financial, sum, logically, long, lost, skills, pretty, function, pure, emotion, measurements, received, entertaining, guess, meas, urements, bring, bots, woodwork, cycles, went, stuck, waiting, cursing, situation, write, sad, disappointed, frustrated, successfully, executed, actual, calendar, finally, leaving, half, claim, embryos, prospect, thrilling, yield, started, dreamed, entire, teaching, abroad, eventually, attempt, repair, wounds, person, used, expect, extended, 2014, continuing, rat, race, lifestyle, corporate, dweller, living, dream, insert, platitudes, final, hit, publish, blur, energetic, sensitive, conceived, via, egg, continue, satisfy, nagging, voice, head, urging, least, reclaim, undetermined, energy, important, neglected, world, anyone, reading, sincerely, peace, scheming, hoping, dreaming, single, woman,

Text of the page (random words):
singular desire singular desire planning scheming hoping and dreaming my journey to motherhood as a single woman may 5 2016 in the time since a bit over two years ago to be exact insert platitudes about time slipping away and life moving on my last post was a final point in my journey well until i hit publish and then i decided to keep going the blur between that time and now resulted a very energetic and sensitive now two year old conceived via donor egg i may continue blogging after this post but for now i felt i had to satisfy the nagging voice in my head that was urging me to finish it or at least reclaim that bit of undetermined energy from this important corner yet neglected corner of my world if anyone is still reading this i sincerely hope this time has brought you peace and happiness posted by a shadow of my former self at 12 10 am 7 comments april 7 2013 the time in between i ve received so many entertaining spam comments from my last post i guess the title of meas urements will bring the spam bots out of the woodwork in the time between that post and now i had failed mock cycles in february and march life went on but i was stuck waiting and cursing my body and the situation in which i find myself i did a lot of thinking but obviously not a lot of blogging there s only so much i can write about being sad and disappointed and frustrated and angry this mock cycle was successfully executed and the result an actual fet date on the calendar finally i ll be leaving in about a week and a half to go and claim the two frozen embryos from my failed fresh donor cycle as always the prospect of travel is thrilling but i don t really have any hope this cycle will yield any different result than any of the others i ve started to plan a life quite different than the one i had dreamed of my entire life i may do some teaching abroad eventually but in an attempt to repair some deep wounds and find the person i used to be i expect i ll do some extended travel in 2014 i see no point of continuing the rat race lifestyle of the american corporate cube dweller i ve been living if i ll never get to take part in the american dream posted by a shadow of my former self at 10 37 pm 4 comments january 29 2013 measurements this fet cycle is eleventy billion times more stressful than the fresh donor cycle at my scan appointment last week my re measured my lining at 3 1 and said she felt i could move right into the fet cycle i was giddy with relief as she wrote out my treatment schedule and as i left the front desk after making my next scan appointment i thought about what i had to do at home and work to prepare for an fet in late february as usual i relayed the appointment results to my american consultant along with a picture of my newly slim uterus the cz re was not as impressed and rejected the plan this has happened before and it s beyond frustrating i don t want to pick apart the clinic at this point because as a patient i feel i owe it and the doctor there some loyalty i made this choice and have to abide by this re s treatment plan and so i will however the delay the new plan the new timeline the different med regime it has all just chipped away a little bit more of my sanity my illusion of control and my hope that this emotional pain and this physical abnormality for lack of a better word will always be a part of my life the new plan has an fet around the third week of march i can t help but feel any chance of a 2013 baby is slipping away i hate that i think that way because the goal of this whole blasted thing is not on the same plane as a date or an age or a financial sum logically thinking that is i ve long since lost much of my logical thinking skills and pretty much function on pure emotion now i hope it s due to the meds and is not the new me posted by a shadow of my former self at 8 07 pm 10 comments january 16 2013 october 6 2012 that was the date of my last post i haven t been able to come back to my blog since then i ve considered deleting it altogether but my stubborn streak that always likes to finish things has prevented that from happening i have to finish this at the end and not the next to the last chapter due to holiday clinic closures in both countries i did not have the fet in december as i had hoped it wouldn t have worked anyway as lining problems plague me still too thick i ve done two rounds of a drug called ay gestin but it had no impact i m now on a very low progesterone bcp but if history teaches me anything my next scan will show little improvement too much progesterone too little progesterone both logical approaches to thinning the lining out unless it s mine and knows no other growth pattern than defcom 4 my emotional state has been dark i am approaching 43 have been at this since 2009 and am approaching the point where my shattered bits blow away i never ever thought i would not be a mother the concept i have of my self the core of my being and my reason for being a part of humanity has always had motherhood as a central component i cannot fathom moving forward with what is quite plainly a totally new identity i watched a pbs show a month or so ago that explored the meaning of human happiness one of the scientists found that once the expectation or hope for something has been removed the human brain accepts this new altered reality and the brain can search for and latch on to another concept that allows for happiness watching this show ironically brought me the exact opposite of happiness but the science and facts presented made logical sense i wish i could turn off my brain and disconnect my heart i d gladly live out the rest of my life working and contributing to society i d be a good citizen i d pay my taxes and i d recycle and compost to live out the rest of my life never having what most have what some take for granted or don t appreciate to be the embarrassment of the family the one to be pitied and to know that i tried so very hard yet failed time and time again i just don t think i can do it posted by a shadow of my former self at 7 35 pm 11 comments october 6 2012 fact my first de ivf was a failure the official beta test day is tomorrow but it was clear to me that the trigger was turning into a negative and would remain a negative by 10dp5dt the trigger was totally gone and i knew it was over i arrived home wednesday and asked my home re for a beta test thursday and she emailed me the results yesterday morning gah i ve had a couple of really rough moments but i haven t fully broken down or allowed myself to slip into the darkness that found me after my m c and mother died i just cannot let that happen again i can t put off trying again for months on end the planning for this ivf took over 7 months screw work screw finances screw personal commitments i m planning for an fet in december my home re will do the monitoring and i hope to be able to make an appointment for the transfer the third week of december my ivf consultant has asked if i want a post cycle report from the cz doctor with his suggestions for moving forward absolutely i m sure included will be my lining issues and a possible hormonal impact of that last minute d c what do i know though maybe even things that appear perfectly perfect do not work out i think i d rather buy into that than feeling that my body failed again and or that i did something wrong so until i get my plans sorted out i m on austerity measures to afford the trip back i suppose there are worse things than a christmastime visit through vienna again my return to life stateside work especially has been a little like death by a million cuts cancelled flight home without notice which resulted in airport crying and many hours delay in getting home emails to my personal email account from work two days before i was due back a team meeting 4 hours after being in the office to detail my top priorities and a look at 2013 s projects people asking how many emails i had you know because the more emails you have that pile up in your absence the greater your importance my very pregnant coworker friend bringing her 2 year old in to visit and playing in my cube in all fairness as she is the only one who knows what s going on she asked me if it was ok first what could i say it just brought back the memories of when we were ttc ing together and how now she has a 2 year old and one on the way another coworker who left for another department coming to visit me yesterday and tell me all about her new baby and how i have to see the new show call the midwife coming back to the same old shit and remembering how i felt all those months planning this and thinking i would come back pregnant obviously work figures prominently in my life and i think i ve posted before about how this job is unfulfilling brings me much stress and is soul sucking it s all that but it s also the instrument by which i ve been able to do all that i have ttc wise and that is what i must remember i m going to catch up on sleep today unpack and try to let go of the rest of the sadness and anger that is bubbling below the surface i d rather hope be my driving force i have so little reserves left that i must purposely choose what keeps me going every day thank you all for being so supportive and helpful during this process thousands of miles away i never felt alone posted by a shadow of my former self at 10 52 am 15 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me a shadow of my former self while the singular portion of my blog title is accurate the desire part could easily be changed to obsession i began my ttc journey at 39 after resolving deep grief at never having found a husband i knew the road would be hard but here looking at 41 coming at me like a train and having endured pain and heartache i am wondering if i can bear much more i decided to start a blog after being an avid follower of so many others who without knowing it have provided me with much information and support view my complete profile old news 2016 1 may 1 in the time since 2013 3 april 1 january 2 2012 41 october 1 september 9 august 5 july 4 june 3 may 3 april 1 march 15 2011 66 december 1 july 4 june 5 may 10 april 30 march 16 blogroll the stirrup queen s completely anal list of blogs that proves that she really missed her calling as a personal organizer followers directions and detours june 2009 39 years old preconception check up with ob gyn all seems ok but sent for mammogram and perinatal consult july 2009 mammogram ok perinatologist provides obligatory ama warnings changes meds and sends me on my way with an enthusiastic call me when you get a positive august 2009 preconception appointment with internist she runs routine blood tests and signs registration form from sperm bank officially register at sperm bank and pick my pony meet with re who does full health background screening and marvels at my last 7 months of cycle tracking all perfect straight up 28 days with ovulation on day 14 orders more blood tests fsh 8 september 2009 while on vacation in another country receive call from internist blood tests came back abnormal she wants me to schedule bone marrow biopsy to rule out leukemia receive email from re also suspects something is wrong puts all appointments on hold until i receive clearance from internist and peri october 2009 thelassemia ruled out leukemia ruled out severe anemia and lack of vitamin d suspected i follow directions take supplements change diet and look forward to iui in november begin to feel off but suspect psychosomatic symptoms exhausted and mid cycle spotting november 2009 ovulate right on time jump into stirrups convinced i will conceive on first unmedicated iui np whips out wanda and exclaims well dear it seems you have something in there do you know what fibroids are no what about polyps heart sinks bfn december 2009 hsg and hysterosonogram hydrosalpinx suspected and two giant masses in uterus identified april 2010 39 years old lap and hysteroscopy surgery after surgery re tells me she removed two large polyps did another hsg and all was well both tubes open she shows me pictures of everything including a large paratubal cyst that i ve had all along and never knew about curse it and the polyps but glad it s all over april 2010 40 years old follow up appt with re knew something was wrong when she brings someone else in the room the name badge says oncologist re tells me she also did d c during surgery and results reveal complex hyperplasia without atypia but with rapidly developing pre cancerous cells oncologist discusses hysterectomy and i literally leave my body sent next door to md for treatment progesterone treatment for 3 months july 2010 endomedtrial biospsy by md hyperplasia resolved receive clearance to do iui august 2010 medicated iui menopur w trigger for only 3 days 4 follies bfn september 2010 medicated iui menopur bravelle w trigger for only 3 days 4 follies bfn october 2010 same protocol bfn i suspect things are happening too fast why do some women do injections for days i barely take it for a day or two and i m ready to ovulate november 2010 another iui and another bfn re says she will add lupron to protocol which may keep ovulation at bay later this month day 3 ultrasound shows cysts benched and angry december 2010 cysts gone and re adjusts lupron slightly and says if this doesn t work she ll do another biopsy she suspects the hyperplasia has returned five follicles are seen and warnings about multiples are discussed january 2011 bfp first beta indicates twins surreal experience february 2011 twins are confirmed but one appears to not have heartbeat baby a has heartbeat second ultrasound shows baby a is strong and baby b has weak heartbeat third ultrasound shows baby b has no heartbeat baby a has strong heartbeat where do i get off this roller coaster march 2011 graduate to ob first prenatal appointment just paperwork but symptoms are there and i am reveling in them march 2011 first official ob appointment baby a dead also march 2011 d e at 11 5 weeks my heart is frozen my soul is dark and my thoughts are darker begin blogging ethereal theme powered by blogger