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can only involve kara or caleb and climbing no big plan commitments for the time being just alyssa and mike s housewarming i need a costume kill me no other plans except climbing and outdoor stuff only things that make me feel genuinely happy i want to get to a place where i can sit with discomfort i m not there yet and i need to forgive myself for that do i need to start meditating fuck i don t want to what else can i do twice a week september 19 2018 bethrrz leave a comment i have started seeing a therapist my anxiety has been off the rails lately and instead of waiting for it to subside and then convincing myself that i don t need help i seized the moment and made an appointment i have a history of not feeling believed by health care professionals my problems have been minimized my pain has been untreated my fears have been dismissed my doctor didn t believe me when i told her i was in fact still a virgin at 21 years old not even one time she asked are you sure yeah lady i m pretty positive i ve never had sex fuck you laila attar you treated my sister badly too i was fully prepared to hear this again on monday that my problems are normal that i don t need therapy that i should grow up and deal with it all on my own but that s not what happened at the end of the session where i hadn t even addressed half of what s going on my therapist said i should try to come in twice per week seriously i thought you were going to show me the door because there are people out there who need therapy way more than i do i can t go twice per week due to my schedule and financial reasons but i ll be going once a week starting now it s going to be hard but i think it will help i m starting to believe that i deserve to get help and i deserve to be happy the monastery co it works until it doesn t may 3 2018 bethrrz leave a comment my sobriety is strong these days i don t have cravings and i rarely think about drinking i still attend lifering meetings because i like the people and i usually glean something from one of their stories rarely these days do i hear something at a meeting that takes my breath away i heard something last night at a meeting that resonated with me when i heard it time slowed down just for a moment alcohol did the things for you that you couldn t do for yourself big exhale wow yes it soothed my anxiety it eased my social awkwardness it made me feel interesting and fun and desirable and it worked really well for a number of years but then it stopped working and i ignored the fact that it had stopped working for a long time after that when i stopped drinking i had to learn to do those things myself i m still learning the learning and the growing never stops i wouldn t choose to have it any other way a view from the mtb trail hi christian january 5 2018 january 5 2018 bethrrz leave a comment i went to crested butte to celebrate the new year with friends they drank i was sober i had a fabulous time christian a friend of mine asked me a bunch of very thoughtful questions about my sobriety it was the first time in a long time that i ve felt like someone really listened to me heard me and cared he asked questions i answered them and he listened he didn t try to tell me what to do or how to feel like so many people have done before it was really nice during that conversation i told him i had started this blog and i immediately regretted it because i never intended for anyone in my real life to read any of this he wants to find it but i don t think he will but just incase i have titled this blog post as seen above below is what i wrote about an experience i had while skiing by myself on new year s day this was the view from the balcony of the condo we rented i generally don t make new year s resolutions i use my birthday to mark the passing of another year and take time at the end of the summer to reflect and decide how i want to move forward this year will be different there are a number of qualities and traits i possess that i don t like i can usually forgive myself when i ve been lazy or spent money irresponsibly one thing i do that i can t forgive myself for is being judgmental i really hate it when i do that i believe that every person we meet as the potential to teach us something on new year s day i was on the receiving end of some judgment two strangers made me feel like a poor dumb idiot long story short they kept pointing out how foolish it was for me to buy two half day lift tickets instead of one season pass in a sense they were right but they were also very wrong they don t have all the information they don t know me and they don t know my goals and priorities i hate having to justify my choices once i ve made them while i m still in the deciding phase i love to hear opinions and advice but once i ve made up my mind that s it i didn t want to sit there and justify myself to two strangers i didn t have the energy or desire so i shut down the conversation and we continued our chairlift ride in awkward silence looking back i could have chosen a different way to do this but what i said came from an honest place this interaction has been dominating my thoughts ever since if i m going to think about what happened and replay what was said over and over again in my head then i might as well try to find the lesson the lesson i learned is to quit it with the judgment those two strangers knew nothing about me and i knew nothing about them they don t know that i almost drank myself to financial ruin they don t know that i ve had to work hard on my relationship with money that i took out a debt consolidation loan so i could pay off my credit card debt i have a car payment and i m still paying back my student loans they don t know that i just spent half of my emergency fund on dental work they don t know that i m doing the best i can let me repeat that for myself i am doing the best i can it didn t feel good to be judged by those people on the chair lift so moving forward i want to judge people less i want to ask more questions so i can learn where they are coming from i may not agree with the choices other people make the things they do or the words they speak but that s going to have to be ok i won t always understand but i d like to work towards acceptance i also want to choose my words and the tone with which i say them more carefully i know that sometimes i can sound judgmental when it s not my intention for example talking about how a ten mile hike is no big deal for me in front of a person who would struggle to do that same hike might make them feel bad and not too long ago i was that person i want to be less judgmental i want to be more accepting i want to recognize the path that others are walking and even though it s different than mine it s no less right 669 days happy new year my first drug april 4 2017 bethrrz leave a comment i had a major personal breakthrough about a week ago while i was listening to my favorite podcast home the hosts holly and laura have both dealt with disordered eating in the past and it comes up as a topic on the podcast during this episode they interviewed a woman who also struggled with disordered eating i was shocked at how much i could relate to what they talked about here is a list of things i never thought were that abnormal but it turns out they are i can t eat or drink anything without evaluating it s degree of healthiness or unhealthiness i have always felt a fear of scarcity around food i am hyper aware of how much others eat around me and how much i eat around them i get anxious when there are too many people eating in the break room at work i constantly think about all the food i eat before during and after i have eaten it i have felt angry at myself for being hungry when i think i shouldn t be i have done very intense workouts in anticipation of eating a lot or as a result of it food was my first drug it s that simple it s also something that i ve always known but now i know i have always had disordered eating patterns and thoughts now i see that many of my behaviors around food are the same as those i had around alcohol one bite is too much but then i can t get enough the same with alcohol i would constantly monitor how much everyone around me was drinking and making sure i wasn t drinking more than them even though i desperately wanted more when a bottle of wine was ordered to share i would make sure i somehow got the biggest pour without being detected when eating family style with friends i have an inner struggle between how much food i want to take and how much i allow to end up on my plate growing up eating dinner in my house was a competition who could eat the most before the food was gone there were no leftovers it s not because we were poor and couldn t afford enough food it s because no matter how much my mom would make it all got devoured my dad is a fast eater there was no such thing as not taking seconds to this day i portion out servings at dinner so i can go back for more even though the total amount of food i eat could fit on my plate at one time i have to go back for seconds or i don t feel satisfied i tired to become anorexic i learned about anorexia and bulimia in middle school and while the idea of throwing up turned me off i was very interested in the concept of just not eating in high school i would skip breakfast and then eat a bite or two of a sandwich at lunch as i left school i had every intention of not eating until dinner where i thought i would eat a small portion but as soon as i got home i would eat everything i could i would graze on everything that was in the house by eating small amounts of everything i could i avoided being detected after my binge because i was starving no shit the shame would hit me and i would sink so low my stomach would hurt and i d feel sick but i never made myself throw up i wanted to sit with my pain and discomfort because i deserved it because i was failing at being anorexic because i was failing at being anorexic i was ashamed that i wasn t strong enough to starve myself so it should be no surprise to anyone including myself that i fell in love with alcohol considering my anxiety depression low self esteem and intense need to fit in it s no wonder that alcohol took the place of food in my life when i went to college and drank for the first time alcohol was even more effective than food it was the thing i had been searching for clawing for to use to change how i felt i have been dealing with addiction for much longer than i first thought i have been an addict my whole life my first drug was food i need to be easier on myself kinder to myself i need to treat myself gently because i ve been living in a way that has been tearing me apart for a long time 393 days one year eve march 6 2017 bethrrz leave a comment i woke up this morning feeling like an exposed raw nerve i woke up this morning feeling like the life i ve created for myself is starting to pull apart at the seams i woke up this morning feeling like my mind is cracking open i woke up this morning wishing i will never be around alcohol or people drinking ever again i woke up this morning feeling sore and hurt and in pain i woke up this morning feeling regret and weighing 3 2 pounds more than where i started the weekend i woke up this morning feeling like the rest my life is going to be spent saying no to things i want i woke up this morning wanting to own my truth to recover out loud and to share my journey with anyone who will listen i woke up scared to do that you ve worked too hard to give up now february 8 2017 bethrrz leave a comment i have an app on my phone called thoughtback you record a thought and save it and the app randomly sends thoughts back to you i love it i use it mainly for motivational quotes every once in awhile i ll get a really weird random thought those are from when i was still drinking the thought i got sent today was you ve worked too hard to give up now this applies to two areas of my life sobriety of course and weight loss yesterday was my 11 month anniversary and i feel like i m cruising right along one year will be here before i know it i don t feel like i want to give up on my sobriety but i m starting to feel like isn t this enough i haven t drank in a year isn t that amazing can i just be done now i confided in a coworker that i no longer drink and she couldn t believe it she said even if you decided to start drinking again right now i d still be so impressed with what you ve done and i guess it s true what i ve managed to do is impressive but is it enough to be impressive that s not what i started out to do being impressive was not the end goal the end goal was to live a healthy happy and balanced life without alcohol because i just couldn t keep it around any more i don t want to give up but i want to know when it s over when is the learning and struggling and the meetings and the work over i know the answer is never it s never over dwelling on that thought is overwhelming my weight loss journey has been going great omada is really working for me but i m getting back to the weight i was at around my 30th birthday which is great to be back down there but also a little terrifying when i push past a certain number on the scale i will be entering unknown territory i will also reach a point where i have no clothes in my closet that will fit me haven t i lost enough 86 pounds already i m no longer obese i look good and i feel good my friends are noticing and giving me compliments can i just be done i know the answer is no my goal was to be at a healthy weight being overweight was never my goal if i continue to lose weight at the rate i have been which is a 7 loss over 16 weeks i will reach my goal by november 7th of this year nine months from now i better start saving money for new clothes or it s going to be a cold winter 338 days devils canyon south of fruita co breezing right along january 11 2017 bethrrz leave a comment this past saturday marked 10 months of sobriety for me it feels like so much and nothing has happened since the last time i wrote my most important accomplishment was going through the holiday season sober for the first time in a decade maybe i ll share more about it at a later date all i want to say for now is that i spent new years eve alone in my apartment and it was fine here is what moved me to my keyboard and got me typing today i want to become a yoga teacher and use my skills to help people in recovery there it is i have set my intention now it s time to get to work about last night and today and everything october 7 2016 january 3 2018 bethrrz leave a comment last night last night was the first night of the great american beer festival i have either attended or volunteered at this festival every year since 2008 this has been a do not miss event for me every year two years ago i chose an expensive flight home for a wedding just so i could squeeze in two sessions i used to base much of my identity on m...