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ths posted by victoria at 22 54 1 comment 11 march 2013 the difference a year makes tomorrow is the one year mark of my match day for those of you not in the medical field match day is the biggest day of your career it s when you find out where you are going to do your residency it s a pretty big deal especially if you don t match into a residency you have to enter into the scramble which is a painful process of finding out which residencies have openings and apply and hope you find one to take you as you all know i had to go through this process i blogged about it last year you can go back and read all of the details that s not the purpose of today s post i have been reflecting all day on the things that i have experienced and who i have become because i did not match i want to share and praise god for what he has done in one short year since i had been praying for god to provide a way for me to stay in the area and not have to leave my church once i saw there were openings in the area in family medicine i knew this was god s plan for me i had begun to sense he was about to do something big in my life but i never imagined it would be like this by applying for pediatric residencies i was able to do month long rotations in pediatric heme onc pulmonology infectious disease and er these are all rotations that i would not be able to do as a family medicine fm resident so blessing 1 from scrambling is that i have that much more experience with diseases in children than the other residents in my class also by having to scramble god got still gets all credit for putting me where i needed to be i was able to see my nephew moments after he was born and see my sister hold her son for the first time since my residency is focused on clinical not hospital rotations i have had every sunday off this year so far i will have to work sunday s next month which means not only did i get to stay at my church but i still get to teach sunday school twice a month i was also able to join a women s bible study once a week and recently was able to co lead a study on nehemiah i fell in love for the first time and was able to experience what being in love and being loved really feels like i have met so many amazing people have been touched by so many patients and am overly blessed with what god has given me this year most importantly in the last 3 months thanks to circumstances i know only happened because of my match results i have grown more as a daughter of christ than in the last 10 years combined i never realized how deeply wounded i was and i how i was continuously shutting people out i never realized that even though i was confessing faith and trust in god i was actually still trying to make my own success for the first time in my christian life i am 100 surrendered to god s leading and will in my life i finally trust and believe in his plan and can t wait for him to continue to shape my life i have been made for something great i will continue to touch and change lives i will continue to give him all the glory he deserves i can t wait to see what this next year will bring posted by victoria at 23 15 1 comment labels about me family friends god residency 10 march 2013 tribulation leads to hope i intend to continue going through captivating on here the last 6 or so weeks have been a whirl wind between boards which i nailed and going to the most beautifully amazing wedding ever in the dominican republic i ve not had as much time as i wanted to blog i ve also been voraciously reading other books that have been touching my soul refining me and enabling me to more fully rely on god i m trying to decide how much i m willing to share on here of what i am learning about myself and god s love pain is required for growth what i have learned is that by hiding and shutting people out due to fear of pain will actually cause more pain then letting people in so while i process more and work on blogging the rest of captivating i wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from a great book the book is victory over the darkness by neil t anderson i highly recommend this book everyone it really helps you put your life into a proper perspective especially the part about goals vs desires it helps solidify your identity in christ if what you believe does not reflect the truth then what you feel does not reflect reality pg 156 the peace of god is internal not external peace with god is something you already have the peace of god is something that you need to appropriate daily in your inner world in the midst of the storms that rage in the external world pg 140 god is a rational god and he does work through our ability to reason the problem is that our ability to reason is limited and prone to rationalization we are incapable of determining god s thoughts through human reasoning therefore we are dependent on divine revelation pg 150 satan s strategy is to introduce his thoughts and ideas into your mind and deceive you into believing they are yours pg 159 this next chunk was the part of the book that struck me the most it is so true there is a lot of science behind it as well in a general sense your emotions are a product of your thought life if you are not thinking right if your mind is not being renewed if you are not perceiving god and his word properly it will show up in your emotional life if you fail to acknowledge your emotions appropriately you may become spiritually vulnerable in reality we have very little control over our emotions but we do have control over our thoughts and our thoughts determine our feelings and our responses that is why it is so important that you fill your mind with the knowledge of god and his word you need to see life form god s perspective and respond accordingly pgs 170 171 this last quote sums up everything i have been struggling with for the last 10 years fear compels people to do what they should not do and inhibits them from doing what they should do pg 221 but we also glory in tribulations knowing that tribulation produces perseverance and perseverance character and character hope now hope does not disappoint because the love of god has been poured our in our hearts by the holy spirit who was given to us romans 5 3 5 my brethern count it all joy when you fall into various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience james 1 2 3 posted by victoria at 22 06 2 comments labels spirituality 17 january 2013 the gospel of ruth ok obviously i know that ruth is not one of the four gospels several years ago my church in minneapolis did a sermon series by that title i loved it i relisten to it every couple years it really opened my eyes to the big picture of what was going on in ruth and it confirmed in my heart that ruth is my hero in the bible after i gave my life to christ ruth became my favorite female character i see a lot of similarities between us she was not an israelite by birth but what i love about her conversion is that she saw god s faithfulness in her husband s family and made the choice to leave what she knew to blindly and faithfully follow god other characteristics of hers that i love are she is diligent hard working loyal faithful humble brave strong independent she takes initiative and above all else she was vulnerable while i have always striven to be like ruth my hearts desire is to have such a strong and vocal faith in god that when people talk about me they say all that you have done for you mother in law after the death of your husband has been fully reported to me and how you left your father and your mother and the land of your birth and come to a people that you did not previously know may the lord reward your work and your wages be full from the lord the god of israel under whose wings you have come to seek refuge it s not that i am looking to be the talk of town i just want my faith to be so evident to all that meet me this is how they would talk of me there is one characteristic that ruth had that i have always lacked ruth risked everything to be vulnerable at boaz s feet because she trusted in god while i have always trusted god and am rather trusting of people in general almost to a fault but when it comes to being vulnerable i never have truly been and this is the one thing i long for the most i want to be vulnerable to open my heart and life to my friends to love them and most importantly let them love me posted by victoria at 22 58 no comments labels god worship 06 january 2013 the full weight of the curse the second half of chapter 3 of captivating describes the 2 types of women that are still being controlled by the curse dominating or desolate women or a combination of the two i m just going to describe the two types first and then get into why this hit me so hard and how god used this to break me dominating women fallen eve controls her relationships she refuses to be vulnerable and if she cannot secure her relationships then she kills her heart s longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control she doesn t need a man that self protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving and nothing to do with deeply trusting god it is our gut level response to a dangerous world controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours pgs 53 54 desolate women sadly desolate women also tend to hide their true selves we are certain that if other really knew us they wouldn t like us and we can t risk the loss of a relationship to hide means to remain safe to hurt less at least that is what we think and so by hiding we take matters into our own hands we don t return to our god with our broken and desperate hearts and it has never occurred to us that in all our hiding something precious in us is also squelched diminished and refused pgs 55 57 wow both of these descriptions are really convicting and when we all think about it we can all admit to times when we have acted in each of these ways i know that as i read the description of the dominating woman god was slicing and dicing my heart to pieces i realized that i felt this author was describing me as she wrote this section i mean after all that is how i have had to be in order to get where i am in life so far then i hit the description of the desolate woman to hide means to remain safe to hurt less yep that rings true too the chapter ends with every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be and she fears that soon it will be known if it hasn t already been discovered and that she will be abandoned left alone to die a death of the heart that is a woman s worst fear abandonment these words were daggers to my soul all of them true our biggest fear abandonment so what are you thoughts to the women that read this have you experienced this in your own life how have you handled it and or how did you over come this to the men out there do you recognize these traits in the women that you know have you attributed it our fallen state or just blown it off as that s how women are i truly am interested in your input posted by victoria at 20 56 6 comments labels captivating love sins spirituality 03 january 2013 sins and curses to the woman he said i will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth in pain you will bring forth children yet your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you genesis 3 16 this verse has caused me grief for over 14 years i ve struggled trying to understand what eve s curse means to me i ve had discussions with pastors read articles and even took an intensive course on the first 12 chapters of genesis yet i was unable to come to a conclusion as to what this curse means to mean obviously i know that i am a sinner and i am acutely aware of what sins i struggle with daily but sin is different that the curse given here sin came into the world when eve decided she decided she knew what was better for her than god and when it comes to my sins that can be traced to the root cause of my sins i think i know better than god thankfully i don t but the curse as a single woman what does that mean for me since i am single there is no potential for childbirth i tried to link it just to pain with menses but no i don t think you can stretch it that far so as of right now this part of the curse is not applicable to me though i am really looking forward to the day it will so what about the second half my desire will be for my husband and he will rule over you what on earth does that mean i desire for a husband no it doesn t imply that at all all of the reading and research and conversations i have had over time seem to agree that the meaning behind this verse is wives are to submit to their husbands wives be subject to your own husbands as to the lord for the husband is the head of the wife as christ also is the head of the church he himself being the savior of the body but as the church is subject to christ so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything ephesians 5 22 24 so again how does this apply to me as a single woman i never was able to come up with an answer to this question chapter 3 of captivating discusses the primary question that all women struggle with we all want to know if we matter at all are we captivating the eldridges state that all men struggle with the basic question do i have what it takes and all women ask am i lovely they go on to say nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in her longing to be beautiful to be irreplaceable to have her question answered yes it goes on to bring this question back to the fall and the curse adam s curse is universal to all men everything they do will be only through toil and their biggest fear is risking failure john eldridge says in chapter 3 adam denied his very nature and went passive every man repeats the sin of adam every day we won t risk we won t fight and we won t rescue eve quoted from wild at heart he goes on to say that we can easily see men following this pattern today men just when we need them to come through for us they check out they disappear go silent and passive ok i can see this it makes sense and works for all men single and married a man is cursed with futility and failure failure is a man s worst fear then they move on to women starting the the root of eve s sin we tend to be grasping reaching controlling yup yup and yup we believe that in order to have the life we want we must take matters into our own hands and we ache with emptiness nothing seems able to fill yup and yup at this point in the chapter i was like crap she can read my mind woman is cursed with loneliness with the urge to control and with the dominance of men this is described in the book as having relational heartache a need to control her man and having to live in a world dominated by men which is not how the world was created to be they go on to say most women hate their vulnerability we are not inviting we are guarded most of our energy is spent trying to hide o...