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Text of the page (random words):
ly 2010 june 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 february 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 thank you miss rosemary and brownpaperbaggirl thank you anna thank you peg thank you kit miss rosemary and brownpaperbag girl search for sick the girl is sick the girl is sick because she has a fever and is ill the girl is sick because her notions of right and wrong are wrong the girl is wrong for fomenting revolution from her sickbed the girl contemplates what her life would have been without revolt without the need for disgust stewed so deep and insidious in her daily meal of words and glances and cultural consumption that no matter how sick she feels her fingers can t go down her throat far enough to vomit it up her whole hand has tried grasping her uvula and tugging that flap of flesh meant to block meals of hate speech from rising into her nasal cavity and lodging there still she didn t manage whole fist in her mouth to disgorge the rot in her belly since that time she tried and tugged her sinuses have gotten infected over and over the girl is a symbol the girl is a symbol because she has a voice and is bodied the girl is a symbol because her ideas have gained traction with the wrong sort of people the people are wrong for symbolizing her from her sickbed the girl rages against her loss of control against her loss of public mobility existence outside posters and screens she remembers being a body in the streets a fist raised high a stomach ready for blows caught on cameras she remembers before being shot before being martyred before living through death to another side she remembers when being sick in bed with a running nose and a high fever remembers running in the streets high on the adrenaline of revolution and resistance the girl is sick the girl is sick because she has ideals and is brave the girl is sick because her notions of right and wrong are wrong to the people who decide what right and wrong are in her world from her sickbed the girl contemplates escape from symbolism and a return to before the girl contemplates the value of symbols the girl remembers a woman older taller bigger stronger everything she had wanted to be the girl remembers a woman on the airwaves and screens on flyers and snapped photographs the girl wonders where the woman is whether the woman ever was whether the symbol overtook her too the girl is sick the girl is sick of being a symbol a martyr a revel with a losing cause the girl is sick of being sick the girl blows her nose knows she cannot change her status and contemplates share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading october 19 2017 slightlyignorant leave a comment music of the night experimenting with voice and world in flash hey sugar those were his first words to me hey sugar if he d a known but he did know what would become of him nothing became it d always been maybe he would a told something different like hey babe but he told what he told and i reacted like i reacted and the rest as they tell is no thing but a nut in a barrel cept that now it s all coming back i hear him on the outside looking out at the stars he s going through a time he is and i been trying to help but he been ignoring me ignoring the life outta me cept that s not true neither i love him so much that i can t never have the life taken outta my body by him not him see i too strong my love for him too strong so no matter where he go or what he do i gon know how i feel i was raised by no body and no thing s a rash world out there been so since before i been born onto this earth if earth it still be and not you nor me nor no single one knows that stuff all in the past source a stories and speculations and some odd ones with their instruments but fact a the matter there ain no facts not no more not like the ones we used to have they they used to have not us although i mussay he s closer to them than i not just age like but belief wise he doesn t have no belief s what i mean first person i ever met who said that said it and meant it also i mayhap been raised by no body and no thing but when an urchin runs wild he listens and listening teach me every all things about the stars and what they do for us not so him he was raised by a one mother and a one father and still he believe like them the once long ago them what i mean is he believe the stars mean no single thing his mama she told me herself she told i mussay benny boy i don know where he went and gone with his thinking she told me benny boy keep him safe she told me also to tell him she s sorry and she s that for all the years she thought he was peggy gal not peter boy i told him but he told me his mama just wishing she get a say on who he marry marry me i told him i told him days ago now he told me benny boy i mus think now he thinks and looks at the stars and i beg them those stars to tell him to tell me yes even if they don t and peter boy tell me no it will only matter a little bit it s not i need till death part us it s i need him now now can stay now today and now tomorrow and now until the ships come a flying from a place they call saturn but if now stops and peter boy not in my now today and now tomorrow i don know what i going to do play me a song i tell him and he come in from the outside and he play with his voice and he play an old song i don know the words to nor the melody neither it s a new one to me but i know it s old by the way he plays his voice sad wise he only sound like this when it s an old one from the once long ago his mama mayhap be sorry now and he mayhap doesn t like her now but she teach him to read the music so he learn the old songs it s a rare skill he has he play me the old sad song and i hold him when he finish and we lie down to sleep and i only wan now to be now tomorrow and now the next day and now again every one day after share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading september 30 2017 slightlyignorant leave a comment this is not a dream you tell yourself as the vendor hands you a bag of oranges in exchange for the bills you gave her you tell yourself again and again this is not a dream it doesn t stick you know it s not a dream but as you walk through the market colors muted and scents only tickling your nose it continues to niggle at your brain the idea that your life has turned into a dreamscape from which you cannot wake or at least from which you have not yet awoken the oranges are for your wife for her cravings the child she is carrying is not yours you are for all intents and purposes incapable of creating a child with her and so she looked elsewhere and found a way the child is her idea not yours the child is only one facet of this dream that is not a dream the wife is another you take the long way home walking along the river your left leg is heavier than the right psychosomatic doctors have told you nothing wrong with your leg really it s only the memory of buckshot locked inside it there is no lead left doctors have assured you but you have been doubted by doctors for most of your life and so you doubt them right back this is not a dream you remind yourself again the mesh sack of oranges weighing down your right hand the orange of the oranges is less vivid than you remember it being the orange of the mesh is bright neon like what you think color should be it should scream at you beg you to notice it at least if this weren t a dream it should but this is not a dream you chant silently and unlock the door to your building heave ho a woman grunts and she and her friend reach for the bottom of the couch they re laboring to bring up the stairs her hair is all over the place in her eyes getting caught and snapped in her armpit wild and curly and artificially auburn you ask if you can help and you drop the oranges on the ground by the entryway you bend yourself in two and lift the couch from the center as the two women work to hold steady on either side you help them bring the couch up three more flights of stairs though you live in the garden apartment stay for a drink the friends tell you the woman with the wild hair and her friend who has no hair on view at all tucked still under a headscarf no strand escaping even in her sweaty climb they re an unlikely pair but who are you to talk about like and unlike you don t stay for a drink you don t trust yourself in this dream that is not to stay sober to stay sane to stay someone has placed the bag of oranges on the rickety side table under the mailboxes they ve taken the liberty of paying themselves relieving you of two of the eight oranges you unlock the door to your apartment your wife isn t there she s left you a note gone to yoga love u her use of capital letters has always baffled you it s as if she s headlining everything as if expecting her notes to end up in the newspaper maybe she can hear your occasional murderous thoughts or maybe she is just cheerful this is not a dream you tell yourself and you wonder if your wife even likes oranges at all share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on reddit opens in new window reddit email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading july 5 2017 slightlyignorant leave a comment just the weather short short fiction i have no emotions i stared at her text and wondered whether this could possibly be true it was an oddly soothing thought if she had no emotions she wouldn t be able to feel a thing for me she d let me go when she left the lodge and i would be free left to my own devices again until the next batch of tourists came and i d scan their faces once twice at mealtimes not looking for anything in particular but knowing that i d recognize it if i saw it and there would be that one usually only one but occasionally two with the special gleam in her eyes that said she was looking at people with extra care just like i was looking to see who was willing to have an adventure sometimes men had that same calculating expression on their face but they were more often than not crude like an unwashed bit of produce left on the counter too long still usable but a little repulsive what a thing to say i texted back i didn t know what else to write i couldn t say yes you do and i know because i ve seen them even though you hide them i couldn t say bullshit i couldn t say well that s a shame i thought you were in love with me even though it was the truth i couldn t say any of these things because we d slept together a total of maybe three times i tried not to actively count but let the memories of her nudity blend together and were not close we d gotten drunk together stoned together but the wall that is always there in such situations was raised as high as i ve ever seen it that s why i was certain she was in love with me i m dying she wrote back having no emotions is a survival mechanism this was more disturbing i had no idea whether she was telling the truth or just trying to fuck with me screw with my head make me commit something that i wasn t ready to commit this was something i d found people did women more often than men it was as if in order to capture the memory of their trip to the slopes they had to box up a little piece of me and take it with them they managed usually to wring more from me than i ever meant them to inevitably i d get drunk and go soft or become lonely one night and allow my instincts to speak those hateful words through my mouth can you sleep over and they would agree snuggle gratefully against my side grab my thigh in their sleep turn over and fart into the blankets and i d need to stand their humanity cursing myself for my weakness what s the prognosis i finally texted i got the whiskey from under the sink the only cabinet in my staff lodging the motley collection of bottles my shaving accouterments an unopened can of mixed nuts and a sad orange my own odds of survival in this place didn t look that great i d accepted the job at the ski lodge after my last boyfriend and i broke up and i got sick of living in my car and on friends couches i had signed an eight month contract and was halfway through i had no idea what i d do once the season was well and truly over while i waited for her to respond i opened my window and allowed the freezing air in so i could light a cigarillo a habit i d picked up during a semester in cuba years ago the flavor was heavenly especially with the whiskey both of them smoking and stinging my mouth and leaving an after taste that was reminiscent of coffee grinds and the way chalk smells someone was walking to the dining room from their cabin swinging a flashlight around and breaking up the cold dark i wondered if it was her if she was getting a granola bar from the basket of them left out for anyone with late night munchies it was better to imagine her hungry than to fixate on the picture of her forming in my mind lying diagonally on her quilted bed in a mock swoon a sham of victorian ladyhood a pair of panties clutched to her mouth as she coughed up blood the image was oddly arousing and i struggled to banish it another sip another puff the flashlight cut through the night again as the intrepid walker left the dining hall and returned to their room dead in a year or my money back she finally texted i slammed my window shut i realized how very trapped i was by the lodge by the job by this woman no one i d slept with had ever died and this fact would change within a year i didn t want to think of myself as having communed with a dead person especially as i d never know if she d actually died instead of responding to her i opened my laptop and prayed abstractly that the wifi would cooperate tonight it did though it was slow and the pages only half loaded leaving ghostly boxes where pictures of smiling faces or cartoon character avatars should have been i began to check that everyone i d ever loved or lusted after was alive i trawled facebook googled furiously looked at university websites where i found myself duly impressed and found various pictographic accounts of food eaten and children had and husbands and wives married and dogs adopted and buried and art projects and shy poems shared i didn t search for her though after reassuring myself that everyone else was still alive i tried to embrace the experience well you re alive now i texted then after another dram of whiskey that i hoped i could blame later as having gone to my head i can com...