Meta tags:

Headings (most frequently used words):

2015, thursday, 2014, november, smithsonian, sunday, february, 15, january, 22, december, friday, blog, archive, amigos, birthday, bash, two, lagoon, day, 2nd, annual, family, trip,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
and (443), the (422), that (224), was (221), you (155), for (119), but (114), with (85), when (83), just (81), had (77), marty (71), him (68), richard (66), our (63), really (62), time (59), have (58), were (56), little (52), there (52), his (50), this (50), get (48), got (47), like (47), love (46), didn (46), about (45), day (43), all (41), she (40), then (39), they (38), one (36), because (36), think (35), from (35), your (35), out (34), went (34), not (33), them (33), even (32), back (31), some (29), after (28), would (28), said (28), right (27), more (27), want (27), around (27), see (26), never (26), also (25), before (25), too (25), started (25), know (25), told (25), could (24), wanted (24), did (24), over (24), being (23), are (23), way (23), than (23), home (22), first (22), much (22), take (21), down (21), her (21), fun (20), can (20), been (20), still (20), don (20), things (19), took (19), while (19), into (19), off (18), family (18), made (18), who (18), wasn (18), mom (17), boy (17), what (17), let (17), only (17), going (17), thing (16), happy (16), thought (16), good (16), say (16), big (16), though (16), tell (16), asked (16), birthday (15), both (15), which (15), where (15), walked (15), loved (15), every (15), came (15), how (15), come (14), kept (14), very (14), long (14), sure (14), always (14), favorite (14), knew (14), making (13), now (13), excited (13), make (13), trip (13), until (13), any (13), feeling (13), last (13), movie (13), crying (13), those (12), kind (12), remember (12), week (12), house (12), room (12), bit (12), called (12), baby (12), sad (12), felt (12), will (12), two (12), left (12), november (11), glad (11), together (11), bed (11), night (11), car (11), finally (11), nice (11), pretty (11), something (11), special (10), great (10), playing (10), anything (10), other (10), kids (10), running (10), getting (10), minute (10), watch (10), many (10), feel (10), hard (10), lot (10), watching (10), might (10), work (10), part (9), actually (9), ice (9), cream (9), couldn (9), happened (9), probably (9), well (9), beach (9), dinner (9), better (9), end (9), lights (9), waiting (9), best (9), nap (9), play (9), need (9), again (9), daddy (9), december (8), has (8), life (8), memories (8), help (8), friends (8), minutes (8), having (8), through (8), rest (8), ever (8), ride (8), ready (8), sat (8), train (8), nervous (8), weeks (8), pregnant (8), hartman (8), nurse (8), talk (8), mommy (8), ashley (7), october (7), january (7), stay (7), full (7), new (7), entire (7), read (7), woke (7), park (7), zoo (7), walk (7), san (7), diego (7), another (7), hotel (7), their (7), such (7), eventually (7), turned (7), watched (7), normal (7), mind (7), next (7), anyone (7), should (7), second (7), quite (7), show (7), face (7), phone (7), start (7), soon (7), cried (7), proof (7), june (6), july (6), may (6), february (6), unknown (6), these (6), place (6), vacation (6), without (6), book (6), morning (6), needed (6), years (6), least (6), ended (6), super (6), myself (6), meet (6), mouth (6), later (6), stayed (6), heart (6), thinking (6), try (6), most (6), gave (6), sand (6), bad (6), ate (6), water (6), cheese (6), call (6), point (6), pick (6), although (6), starting (6), leave (6), scared (6), bathroom (6), couch (6), appointment (6), tears (6), moment (6), usually (6), run (6), cars (6), sarah (5), stuff (5), head (5), august (5), april (5), comments (5), posted (5), adventures (5), same (5), doing (5), kid (5), eating (5), lots (5), cool (5), people (5), emotional (5), high (5), picture (5), old (5), found (5), played (5), different (5), makes (5), seen (5), far (5), ask (5), tried (5), perfect (5), dad (5), temple (5), surprise (5), actual (5), lunch (5), brought (5), nothing (5), area (5), anyway (5), totally (5), year (5), days (5), wouldn (5), experience (5), almost (5), away (5), wait (5), telling (5), rebecca (5), questions (5), drive (5), guitar (5), talked (5), tree (5), why (5), once (5), laugh (5), jump (5), hall (4), march (4), september (4), slept (4), return (4), either (4), evening (4), planned (4), walking (4), drove (4), basically (4), along (4), times (4), ten (4), quickly (4), stopped (4), hope (4), spent (4), sleeping (4), sweaty (4), find (4), couple (4), tired (4), talking (4), memory (4), sunday (4), enough (4), sit (4), saw (4), sorry (4), buddy (4), waited (4), hit (4), tour (4), easy (4), crazy (4), gone (4), worst (4), lives (4), close (4), base (4), smile (4), word (4), longer (4), break (4), snacks (4), deal (4), air (4), shopping (4), decided (4), sometimes (4), funny (4), realized (4), lose (4), son (4), trains (4), care (4), cry (4), parents (4), half (4), look (4), kiss (4), street (4), world (4), relieved (4), especially (4), heartbeat (4), office (4), hugged (4), alone (4), thursday (4), someone (4), put (4), else (4), keep (4), recovery (4), loss (4), spencer (3), rachel (3), 2014 (3), 2015 (3), older (3), job (3), include (3), stick (3), comes (3), trips (3), fell (3), maybe (3), taken (3), places (3), definitely (3), flight (3), finish (3), snuggled (3), early (3), trying (3), tantrums (3), pooped (3), except (3), tide (3), lay (3), round (3), seeing (3), miles (3), working (3), sun (3), mission (3), safe (3), byron (3), seriously (3), board (3), weren (3), front (3), loving (3), colored (3), blue (3), believe (3), often (3), animal (3), taking (3), boys (3), headed (3), mess (3), thrilled (3), hands (3), awhile (3), busy (3), loud (3), rides (3), macaroni (3), elephants (3), throwing (3), everything (3), real (3), packed (3), 2nd (3), lagoon (3), loves (3), fine (3), whole (3), sweet (3), hour (3), bingo (3), months (3), since (3), seems (3), use (3), list (3), fall (3), changed (3), earlier (3), likely (3), counting (3), katie (3), game (3), checked (3), door (3), positive (3), move (3), goodbye (3), weird (3), text (3), hug (3), apologized (3), friend (3), across (3), hudson (3), monsters (3), miscarriages (3), reason (3), weekend (3), hospital (3), remembered (3), done (3), few (3), table (3), give (3), miscarriage (3), own (3), knows (3), check (3), answered (3), hold (3), picking (3), inside (3), situation (3), maddie (3), idea (3), person (3), wednesday (3), here (3), known (3), happen (3), waking (3), asking (3), jumping (3), wake (3), mother (3), dance (3), outside (3), smart (3), books (3), popcorn (3), nursery (3), church (3), eyes (3), music (3), blake (2), melissa (2), johnson (2), megan (2), jenn (2), jessica (2), jackie (2), matt (2), cook (2), scott (2), dee (2), chance (2), bash (2), posts (2), thankful (2), allows (2), mention (2), live (2), save (2), travel (2), mix (2), someday (2), imagine (2), future (2), slowly (2), open (2), rental (2), starving (2), climbing (2), kill (2), located (2), sights (2), five (2), fit (2), pools (2), quiet (2), hours (2), phase (2), giving (2), roller (2), coaster (2), pictures (2), visit (2), listen (2), toddler (2), hot (2), sitting (2), baked (2), bear (2), school (2), fruit (2), loop (2), food (2), delicious (2), experienced (2), boards (2), sport (2), wish (2), turns (2), tennis (2), enjoyed (2), stuck (2), magical (2), ears (2), jolla (2), pink (2), purple (2), looked (2), castle (2), hungry (2), fill (2), buddies (2), festival (2), pizza (2), pirate (2), ships (2), shy (2), halsey (2), handful (2), free (2), under (2), pier (2), calling (2), tunnel (2), activities (2), box (2), cleaning (2), body (2), clothing (2), diaper (2), whatever (2), mine (2), cake (2), bunch (2), sadly (2), luckily (2), finger (2), licking (2), bite (2), stop (2), mentioned (2), thus (2), shortly (2), wave (2), arms (2), waves (2), naval (2), staying (2), shocked (2), within (2), seconds (2), hadn (2), yet (2), fear (2), breakfast (2), floor (2), its (2), stinking (2), games (2), merry (2), die (2), true (2), glass (2), behind (2), amazing (2), animals (2), guess (2), worth (2), elephant (2), looking (2), fits (2), incredible (2), bus (2), recently (2), able (2), force (2), center (2), short (2), champ (2), toys (2), anybody (2), adventure (2), forget (2), sounds (2), silly (2), born (2), million (2), parenthood (2), nuts (2), worry (2), core (2), anymore (2), steam (2), rode (2), eat (2), swore (2), choo (2), name (2), moments (2), level (2), enthusiasm (2), suck (2), hoped (2), bank (2), hate (2), set (2), families (2), worked (2), used (2), meant (2), friday (2), wrote (2), closure (2), healing (2), ago (2), fight (2), doctor (2), honest (2), test (2), snack (2), chair (2), checking (2), volleyball (2), upset (2), ran (2), toilet (2), saved (2), possibly (2), christmas (2), present (2), obsessed (2), awful (2), happening (2), pregnancy (2), sick (2), monday (2), pickles (2), led (2), exam (2), naked (2), already (2), station (2), shirt (2), belly (2), timing (2), picked (2), ultrasound (2), moved (2), confused (2), grabbed (2), chest (2), information (2), insurance (2), possible (2), lost (2), voice (2), driveway (2), texted (2), saying (2), messages (2), does (2), lesson (2), teaching (2), appreciated (2), knowing (2), thanks (2), instead (2), asleep (2), style (2), sheep (2), sadness (2), seem (2), procedure (2), death (2), store (2), hand (2), clothes (2), none (2), squeezed (2), foot (2), course (2), coming (2), anesthesiologist (2), operating (2), laughing (2), heartbroken (2), nose (2), heard (2), husband (2), seat (2), juice (2), fast (2), napping (2), showing (2), grateful (2), confident (2), child (2), showed (2), father (2), exactly (2), elbows (2), moves (2), currently (2), spin (2), tractors (2), trucks (2), racing (2), count (2), hide (2), seek (2), growling (2), numbers (2), story (2), green (2), songs (2), stories (2), baa (2), dog (2), inc (2), guys (2), museum (2), matter (2), hearts (2), grandpa (2), grandma (2), pop (2), movies (2), frozen (2), dancing (2), during (2), credits (2), teeth (2), sleep (2), biggest (2), mall (2), candy (2), pennies (2), threw (2), laps (2), meltdown (2), dinosaur (2), bedding (2), smithsonian (2), skip (2), vintage, vinyl, decals, vicki, frank, weiler, tristen, tingey, todd, lacey, geddes, occasional, critic, milmonsters, coleman, kami, davenport, sharcy, jeremiah, sudyka, sarahhh, nate, bringhurst, sam, bates, jenkins, prudence, pennywise, michaela, jeremy, brett, bennett, marci, gary, fifield, marc, katherine, purser, maegan, dan, kristen, drew, foster, kim, tyson, haws, kiley, tyler, prince, kaycee, loren, anderson, kallee, duncan, shelley, justin, norman, joni, rico, adams, john, erickson, josh, merrill, bryan, schiller, jen, ryan, mcgary, micah, folsom, jade, adam, peek, holly, ras, hey, fatso, heidi, danny, wise, gordon, hardcastle, ethan, natasha, loveless, erin, ellie, garret, devyn, eric, moyes, david, stevenson, darren, andrea, mahoney, chris, ally, baird, charles, heather, francis, shanna, russell, bre, frei, aynna, derek, rigby, petey, mike, rustin, miller, brady, kitch, amigos, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, blog, archive, rich, rach, subscribe, atom, lets, budget, hooked, cheap, page, lasting, added, york, convincing, won, experiences, adore, cracked, queen, recoup, stuffed, grasping, straws, sign, length, balboa, plenty, tiny, rocks, heaven, hiked, lighthouse, string, occurred, pitching, collapsing, dirt, twenty, realize, faster, ground, tourists, collapse, system, less, 127, judging, crap, parenting, similar, stages, silently, applause, lack, structured, schedule, exceptionally, moody, particular, riding, beautiful, scenery, lifeguard, portable, shown, bottom, tapes, performing, relaxed, boardwalk, cooling, scrumptious, sandwich, polish, bites, edwards, band, man, riot, exhausted, single, tacos, hospitable, generous, visited, travels, awesome, swell, jog, stroll, renting, paddle, nearby, marina, originally, rent, lovely, wherever, grab, remote, eese, smarty, pants, selfie, obviously, thoroughly, forever, available, minded, naps, grounds, dark, specific, involved, shining, magic, confirm, informed, disneyland, temples, sworn, hangry, angry, kiddos, eaten, goofing, lived, closer, halseys, farmer, market, raise, sails, fan, pirates, gold, coin, complete, farm, petting, extra, participate, portion, festivities, met, cousin, wife, sail, downtown, docks, docked, explore, highlights, constraints, fancy, feels, stretch, conducive, giant, crevice, loose, infectious, tornado, side, bakery, sandwiches, cookies, brownies, doughnuts, brownie, cookie, frown, upside, stroller, held, seals, wreaked, waken, local, upon, seafood, combination, bbq, phil, fact, mistake, commenced, woof, salty, taste, shallow, ocean, private, multiple, campuses, lathered, screen, straight, shove, fistfuls, surprised, jinx, mornings, hobos, choose, insisted, cat, fish, frankly, action, indoor, surfing, competition, jack, pot, blurry, shows, explored, gourmet, grilled, restaurant, dream, exhibit, hippos, lion, huge, exhibits, captivity, guide, facility, breeds, endangered, saves, four, quits, map, gondola, trekked, gates, heck, fint, monkeys, gorillas, apes, thank, goodness, statues, money, humongous, overwhelming, navigate, constantly, maps, plans, hogle, oriented, decide, loma, screamin, employee, military, bases, works, whichever, lasts, distance, killed, seemed, amount, three, entertained, hopped, shuttle, trade, conditioner, decisions, bueno, east, coast, graduated, dcelp, program, boston, invited, dads, afford, cost, living, annual, chamber, magically, appeared, beating, per, chaotic, tiring, universe, joyful, fulfilling, completely, satisfying, happier, planning, late, cylinders, crashed, chasing, row, perked, miss, amusement, wound, blankets, breather, drives, cruelty, written, soap, disappeared, obnoxious, yelled, leaned, railing, solo, laughed, waved, focus, enjoying, bittersweet, bitter, instance, emotion, helicopter, handle, bar, battles, realistic, gross, inevitably, relaxing, enjoyable, potentially, roll, pavilion, continuously, losing, summer, employer, hosts, offered, pay, coworkers, drama, scheduling, harvest, honey, beehive, bowman, post, bring, publish, collect, dust, journal, wrong, easily, marrying, paul, mccartney, concert, top, doozies, category, criteria, scary, aren, spaced, apart, iud, month, cycle, conversation, paying, attention, ovulating, passed, wondered, period, las, vegas, certain, badly, freaking, peed, risky, negative, changes, turd, sent, sweetest, message, locked, gender, everyday, blank, liar, indigestion, nauseated, afternoons, chalked, sickness, neither, boobs, hurting, clue, symptoms, case, means, vericose, veins, lumped, hereditary, afternoon, confirmed, exciting, rolled, pediatrician, chomping, self, boring, weight, blood, pressure, etc, sucking, sucker, bottoms, chatted, determined, pap, smear, literally, pulling, squirt, jelly, smiles, monitor, tests, bladder, angle, pee, cup, backed, wand, anxiety, vaginal, ease, view, died, connected, pregnancies, sounded, options, nightmare, pull, terrified, women, sobbed, bought, sweater, dress, blouse, growing, answer, parked, grapes, searching, card, company, girl, covered, 100, involuntary, fault, scheduled, soonest, expect, reassured, sending, covering, tugging, legs, mama, hugs, holds, longest, amid, wuv, clearly, twice, shattering, pieces, mood, cafe, rio, knock, pumpkin, steamers, kneaders, sisters, chelsea, blur, yes, sooner, happens, rang, awake, tuesday, appetite, isn, eater, bum, closed, cow, drumming, hasn, affected, negatively, normally, analyze, dwell, stupid, pill, surgery, playful, bag, paged, paperwork, counter, consultation, tissues, vitals, change, tear, explained, physical, examined, afterward, squeezes, given, drugs, wheel, patted, shoulder, hoping, pass, wheeled, hear, joking, nurses, staff, helping, mad, helped, scoot, devastated, monitors, oxygen, fog, standing, beside, missing, apple, chocolate, fasting, thirsty, drank, drinks, absolutely, pushed, wheelchair, curb, supposed, snuggling, distracted, including, woozy, anesthesia, fixed, russ, recording, laid, sister, throughout, letting, gotten, near, friendship, lucky, emotions, thoughts, slivers, occasionally, shower, computer, warning, moving, truly, forward, sense, agreed, quotes, online, describe, hurt, unique, pain, preparing, hello, possibility, beginning, ourselves, announce, expecting, superstitious, wanting, writing, documenting, rock, holding, disappointed, broken, harder, difficult, delivery, breastfeeding, motherhood, marriage, league, add, letter, dec, impossible, dear, today, snuggle, nuzzling, crook, stretched, sleeved, order, bare, energy, rarely, jumper, chairs, stairs, collection, signature, spinning, circles, shaking, booty, wiggling, hips, waving, flapping, chicken, wings, perfecting, incorporating, parts, sidewalk, coffee, furniture, speaking, buses, bikes, ambulances, obsession, whether, tub, ladder, slide, reading, reach, race, cold, feeping, races, biased, terms, command, draw, irresistible, growl, six, seven, skipping, library, memorized, pause, sentence, mimic, vroom, higher, hooray, colors, red, orange, yellow, boon, singer, carry, tune, sing, words, black, request, ring, rosy, popping, apricot, snowman, god, jesus, wants, sunbeam, among, others, bob, doodle, poodle, eggs, ham, musical, rhymes, hyers, immediately, esther, twins, clear, emma, visiting, mannie, wrestle, tortured, stays, important, worried, teachers, star, highlight, sang, bubbles, melted, pretending, haven, foods, pesto, pasta, pears, oranges, canned, fresh, blueberries, quesadillas, hummus, chips, tomatoes, goldfish, fishy, crackers, bacon, gummy, vitamins, suckers, elmo, interests, expanded, likes, animated, films, stretches, ones, wreck, ralph, smitten, tangled, character, cuddling, plays, frustrated, starts, slow, labor, squint, scrunch, cheeks, grin, goofy, disappoints, brushing, hair, washed, stops, dogs, cats, prevent, sakes, poop, potty, grandparents, sides, thumb, rub, ear, boogers, snatch, volume, laundry, mean, dishwasher, separate, each, nights, takes, throw, picks, lap, drums, vacuum, energetic, loveable, happiest, proudest, occupy, space, brings, fuller, errand, runs, machines, asks, prepared, chose, bones, thanking, putting, pocket, smoother, history, celebrating, beauty, holy, brushed, jammies, snuggles, boatload, youth, idaho, square, wary, strangers, between, arrive, cap, yogurt, everyone, quick, screaming, sprinting, road, racks, department, business, penguins, madagascar, fountains, meeting, mischievous, proceeded, small, versions, previously, dropped, madbrook, treat, donut, sprinkles, plan, clock, struck, craziest, tantrum, thrown, lifetime, surpassed, middle, oncoming, traffic, calmed, fountain, doesn, smiling, rather, balloons, nor, yield, results, frontrunner, farmington, dead, pack, hill, aerospace, gift, finished, pointed, dinosaurs, reaction, celebrate, truck, strawberry, shortcake, strawberries, simple, bigger, fashion, birth, decorate, redecorated, dang, festivity, ending, sidebar, main,

Text of the page (random words):
d c and i just needed to be reassured she was the perfect person to talk to and she s been really amazing all week calling to check up on me sending me little text messages and covering for me at our volleyball game on wednesday she really is my best friend even after all these years when the boys walked in a minute later i told richard about my appointment he hugged me and i just kept crying marty ran over and started tugging on our legs he kept saying mama which eventually turned into mommy he s never called me mommy he started to give me big hugs he does this when he knows i m sad the good kind where he is the one who holds on longest and amid all of the mommy s he said mommy wuv you he has never said that to me before he has said it to richard but not quite as clearly as it was this day he said it twice richard walked back over to us hugged us both and i just kept crying this moment was the thing that kept me from shattering into a million pieces my sweet marty boy richard had a guitar lesson that evening so he got ready for that i usually make dinner while he s teaching but i was in no mood to cook so i put a movie on for marty and drove to cafe rio to get us some dinner while we were eating after the guitar lesson was over there was a knock at our door it was my mom and she d brought us some pumpkin steamers from kneaders my favorite she gave me a hug but i didn t cry then she sat with us for a few minutes and we talked for a little bit i can t remember if i cried the whole time she was here i think i was cried out for the moment i asked her to tell my dad because i just didn t want to talk about it anymore and then i asked her not to tell anyone else it was so nice of her to come over and i really appreciated just knowing that she was thinking of me later that night i got text messages from my dad and sarah both telling me they were sorry and they loved us i should have known my mom would tell my sisters she told chelsea the next day i just told them both thanks and not to tell anyone else also that i don t want to talk about it when i see them the rest of that night is a blur i just can t remember it the next day hartman s office called and asked if i could come in on wednesday instead of thursday i said yes feeling relieved and sad at the same time relieved that it would be over one day sooner and sad for the same reason it was so weird the timing of that call marty got tired about an hour earlier than normal and he fell asleep really quickly for his nap which never happens and not five minutes after i left his room my phone rang i m glad he wasn t awake to see me lose it again my mom got to the house for our tuesday lunch shortly after that but she only stayed for a couple of minutes we worked things out so that she would watch marty for me and then she told me to get some rest i didn t have much of an appetite which isn t my style at all usually in an emotional situation i m an over eater but this was different i slept while marty slept and when he woke up i felt bad for being such a bum all day so i took him to the tree house for an hour before they closed he had a great time playing with the trains checking on the cow and sheep and even drumming his little heart out i hope that my sadness hasn t affected him negatively it didn t seem to that day at least that night richard and i planned for him to be at the hospital when i woke up the next day but for some reason i just kind of wanted to be alone before the procedure that s not really my style either normally i want to talk about and analyze things to death with him but this time i didn t want to dwell on it or talk about it up until the very moment it would happen i just wanted to read my book and try to keep my mind off of it as much as i could i knew it wouldn t really work that way but i felt like i just needed some time to myself with this i really didn t want to be alone after though the morning of november 5 marty and i did our normal thing we ate breakfast together watched a show and got ready and then we had to go to the store to get a stupid pill for me to take before the surgery he was such a good sport being super playful and happy all morning we went home and before i knew it my mom was there to pick us up i got the diaper bag ready for her to take marty to tree house and then they took me to the hospital i checked in fine but as soon as i sat in the waiting area i started to cry when i finally stopped i read my book for about a minute before they paged me to fill out paperwork i cried up at the counter and then again when my nurse came for me she was very nice and as soon as i sat down in the consultation room she grabbed my hand and gave me some tissues she took my vitals asked me some questions and then led me to my waiting bed and asked me to change my clothes the next nurse who came in to give me my iv started to tear up when she saw me crying she was very nice too and it was nice to talk to her about other things when she left dr hartman came in he asked how i was and if i had any questions i said i was ok and that i had none he squeezed my foot and then explained some of the recovery stuff to me he said that it was going to be more of an emotional recovery than a physical one and that i don t need to be examined by him afterward but if i would like to i can make an appointment to talk with him in about a week i m not going to but i appreciated it i was crying of course and he squeezed my foot again before he left those two little squeezes meant a lot to me coming from him i ended up being in that waiting area long enough to finish my book read the information they d given me and then try to take a nap i couldn t fall asleep but i did start crying again luckily it wasn t long before my anesthesiologist came in to start giving me drugs and wheel me to the operating room he patted my shoulder as i was crying on our way down the hall and i kept hoping that i would pass out soon but it didn t happen as they wheeled me into the room i could hear people laughing and joking around it was the nurses and staff who were going to be helping with my procedure and it really made me mad as they helped me scoot from my bed over to the operating table one nurse said are you just a little scared and i said no and kept crying i wasn t scared i was sad i was devastated i was heartbroken but i didn t have to listen to them much longer because the anesthesiologist put monitors on my chest and then oxygen over my mouth and nose and that was the last thing i can remember before i slowly woke up in the recovery room as i was working my way through the fog i felt tears still running down my face and i heard someone telling someone else to take me to 2nd phase recovery where my husband was waiting for me when i finally got there i didn t see richard i was really crying and i asked where he was the nurse said she would go get him and after no time at all he was standing right beside me he hugged me and i just cried then he had a seat and asked me about it i told him what i remembered and it was so nice to have him there he d had to wait about 45 minutes and i felt bad that he was missing work but i was just so glad to have him with me our nurse here was so nice she brought me apple juice and then she brought us both hot chocolate i d been fasting and even though i don t remember feeling hungry or thirsty i drank my drinks so fast i didn t want to stay there any longer than i absolutely had to so i changed my clothes richard went to get the car and the nurse pushed me in a wheelchair to the curb where he picked me up then we went home marty was just waking from his nap when we got there and he was kind of sad so he came right to me and we snuggled on the couch for a bit my mom left to pick up sarah who had been walking to our house from the train station because by the time my mom was supposed to pick her up marty was already napping and she couldn t leave the house and get us dinner we were still snuggling on the couch and richard was playing guitar when they got back i remember my mom asking about how it went but i don t think that we talked about it much after that it was just nice to have them there and be a little distracted marty was really excited to have sarah there and he was showing off for her big time running around and jumping on to and off of everything including richard i was still feeling a little woozy from the anesthesia and probably just from the day so i started to lose steam pretty quickly when they left i just wanted to lay down richard fixed marty some macaroni and cheese for dinner and then he asked if i wanted to be alone i really did i don t know why i just did so he took the boy over to russ s house to do some recording stuff and i stayed home and laid in bed watching a movie rebecca had texted me while my mom and sister were over asking if everything was ok because she had seen my mom taking care of marty throughout the day i answered letting her know what had happened and later that night she came over with ice cream richard and marty had gotten home so richard put him to bed while i talked with rebecca in the front room i was starting to feel a little better and wasn t near as emotional so i was ok talking about it i was glad to finally tell the only other person who knew i was pregnant what was really happening too i m so grateful for her friendship and feel so lucky that we moved in across the street from them since wednesday i have felt a lot of different emotions and i ve had so many thoughts go through my mind richard and i have talked about it so much and we just have so much love for our friends who have had to experience this some more than once he is so confident that we will be able to have another baby and i want to be that confident too little slivers of worry and fear are present when i think about it though i am starting to feel a little more normal but these waves of sadness hit me occasionally and leave me crying in their wake it has happened in the car in the shower in bed at the computer on the phone watching a movie with marty no warning just tears i ve tried to tell richard how weird it is to feel all of this normal and heartbroken at the same time like i should start moving on but not sure how he said something that made me truly believe that he knows just how i m feeling even if he s not crying about it he said that it s hard to move forward when there s not really a sense of closure agreed i found these quotes online that describe that feeling pretty well i never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had there is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes how do you say goodbye when you never got the chance to say hello it s not that i thought i was special i knew that miscarriage was a possibility from the very beginning and that is why we told ourselves that we were waiting to announce it to anyone but i think i wanted to believe i was special and that i wouldn t have to experience it like so many i know have had to and i for sure know that i wasn t expecting it even when i was feeling superstitious and nervous i never really thought that it was going to end like this although i ve been wanting to get it over with from the moment i knew there wasn t a heartbeat i just don t want it to really be over because even though i hate this feeling of loss i also don t want to forget it and there is nothing for me to remember it by i think that is why i m writing it all down i m documenting it so that there will some proof proof that we did get pregnant and that we were so excited for our little baby to come proof that our little baby only made it to 8 weeks but that we didn t know it until 10 weeks proof that although richard is a rock who is holding me up that he is also disappointed and sad and feeling a loss just like i am proof that my heart can be so full of love for marty boy but also broken for the little baby i will never know in this life proof that i loved him her so much even though we never got to meet and proof that i m not quite sure how to say goodbye i don t think that my situation is harder than anyone else s but i think that for me it is especially difficult to have happen now now that i know i was so scared of being a mother for so long so scared of all of it pregnancy delivery breastfeeding motherhood marriage with kids and while we were busy being scared we stayed busy having adventures making memories being in love and having fun with just the two of us but once marty boy came along he showed us how special life can really be the adventures we have with him the memories we make the fun that we have as a family that i am in love with are special in a league of their own my heart is changed and i love being a mother with richard as the father more than anything i could possibly imagine i don t think i could have known what an incredible loss this really is without knowing how special it was going to be to add to this little one to our mix i knew it and now i m feeling this loss on a more special level than i would if i didn t know it i m going to keep on loving being a mother with the best father and husband ever i m going to keep having adventures making memories being in love and having fun with my little family i m going to be ok eventually and i m going to keep loving the baby i didn t get to hold or know in this life posted by unknown at 9 40 pm 3 comments friday november 7 2014 lagoon day every summer my parents employer hosts a work lagoon day this year they offered to pay for all of us because they really wanted to show marty off to all of their friends and coworkers so we let them there was a little drama with scheduling because although we d had it planned for months it ended up being the day that richard had to harvest the honey from his beehive with spencer bowman that sadly meant that richard didn t get to stay for the entire time but he did get to see and be a part of the very best things that happened that day we started out playing the little games set up for families with kids and then worked our way to the pavilion for bingo and lunch bingo didn t last as long as it used to now that we ve got marty but watching him stuff his face and cleaning up the mess after him was more fun than continuously losing at bingo anyway we hoped that he d love the rides but were a little nervous that after we d let my parents bank roll this day he might hate it all and we d leave after a half hour he loved just about every stinking minute of every ride there were moments when his face didn t quite show the level of enthusiasm that i think he was actually feeling like this for instance not a lot of emotion on that face but did he want to get off of that helicopter when it came time no way also i didn t let him suck on every handle bar in the park i just tried to pick my battles and be realistic about the g...