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the crow december 2015 the crow random observations from an old crow thursday december 31 2015 the field today is the second anniversary of the start of my adventures with ptsd and i had to go to the regional va hospital abut 75 minutes from my home there are a couple of ways that i know of to get there using the pennsylvania turnpike or taking us route 30 by pass around york over to lancaster then up through a handful of small towns and farming communities past a few large convenience store gas megaplexes driving within drooling distance of an outstanding bbq joint then left onto lincoln avenue in lebanon where you turn to the right down a long tree lined lane past a phalanx of american flags made in china i kid you not snapping to attention in the breeze finally left into the parking lot in front of the building where the decked out lobby pictured above awaits visitors and patients guess which way i went hint i didn t have coins for the turnpike toll the field new year s eve 2013 i had an appointment to have labs done at the va outreach clinic in york that was my second visit to the clinic for the same thing because they couldn t get blood out of me the first time i think i ve written before about how it felt like old home week sitting in the waiting room with all the other veterans that i felt like i was where i belonged don t have a clue why that was it is what it is chatting with the nurse trying to draw blood again we talked about my time in service which branch where i was stationed what i did just chit chat i began to feel sad began remembering things i hadn t thought about in 45 years felt like crying sick to my stomach i wanted to get out of that room out of the clinic as fast as i could i managed to hold it together until she helped me with my coat patted me on my back and thanked me for my service no one had ever said that to me before tears welled up and i had trouble breathing by the time i reached the waiting room door those tears were running down my face by the time i was outside i was sobbing uncontrollably and couldn t see clearly halfway home i pulled off the highway next to a field i couldn t see well couldn t focus mentally on driving was crossing into the opposing lane driving erratically i was terrified had no idea what was happening to me nothing made any sense between sobs these animal sounds came out of my mouth howling moaning shrieking which added to the terror there was movement at the passenger side of my car a woman was walking toward the field her head turned toward a house on the far side i was surprised into silence watched her step across a shallow ditch and onto the field she walked about halfway across fell to her knees pulled a gun from her jacket pocket and blew her brains out i screamed my brain started saying over and over this isn t happening it isn t real you aren t seeing this my eyes did not transmit that image to my brain but i saw it i heard the report of the shot saw the side of her face blow away from her head saw her fall forward to the ground her butt in the air i screamed again and looked away for a split second when i looked back she was gone i understood that i was that woman my mind was answering my unspoken plea for someone to stop the grief and confusion the fear and pain i had been feeling for the last half hour that wasn t you that didn t happen it was not real for two years every time i had to go to york or lebanon for treatment and tests i dreaded passing the field anxiety began setting in as far as two miles before i got to the field my daughter went to lebanon a couple of times with me and i pointed out the field to her as we went by the third time she said i needed to tell my therapist about the field because it obviously was a trigger and i needed to manage it they don t talk about curing or controlling triggers just about managing them how about teaching me how to eradicate the little sobs wipe them off the face of the earth for two years i drove past the field as fast as i could as fast as traffic would allow sometimes i d close my field side eye until i either had passed the airport going east or could see the labott road sign ahead going west that way i knew the field was no longer in my line of sight i didn t do that today today i bearded the lion i pulled off the highway at the same place i had two years ago i sat quietly until the pain in my chest stopped and the knot in my stomach let go after a few more minutes i grabbed my camera got out and walked along the side of the road to the spot where that woman had stepped across the ditch facing the labott road sign i studied it until the negative image started shimmering around the edge i photographed it it became an ordinary road sign had no effect on me i turned to the field and photographed it too focusing on the spot where the woman had dropped to her knees this year the owner grew soybeans instead of corn maybe next spring he she will plant timothy or wheat see it s just an ordinary field posted by the crow at 10 31 pm 13 comments friday december 25 2015 umm greetings ever wonder what santa does in the off season here are two possibilities photo above and video link https vimeo com 81979873 happy holidays everybody ps check out the flag behind santa posted by the crow at 12 31 pm 9 comments newer posts older posts home subscribe to posts atom about the crow photo behind the blog title brian stormont took this picture of the crow in february of 2006 with his new camera i m following his blog eye dull moments stargazer about me the crow home is in a small town in south central pennsylvania 45 miles as the crow flies north of baltimore i am a displaced southerner aging less gracefully than i d like a helluva lot faster than i d like but i m trying to slow things down a bit to make this ride last as long as possible view my complete profile blog plaid the crow s wings followers blog archive 2022 1 november 1 2021 3 august 1 july 1 june 1 2020 6 december 1 june 1 may 2 april 2 2019 5 august 3 july 1 may 1 2018 5 december 1 october 1 august 1 june 1 january 1 2017 1 january 1 2016 11 december 1 november 3 september 2 march 3 january 2 2015 19 december 2 the field umm greetings november 3 july 3 june 2 may 1 march 2 february 2 january 4 2014 8 november 3 october 1 september 1 july 1 march 2 2013 17 december 1 november 1 october 1 august 1 july 2 june 4 april 2 march 1 january 4 2012 30 december 2 october 4 september 1 august 4 july 8 june 3 april 1 march 4 february 2 january 1 2011 61 december 5 november 6 october 1 september 5 august 6 july 9 may 8 april 4 march 6 february 6 january 5 2010 62 november 2 october 4 september 1 august 7 july 12 june 2 may 3 april 1 march 3 february 16 january 11 2009 123 december 16 november 9 october 11 september 15 august 7 july 11 june 14 may 9 april 12 march 6 february 8 january 5 2008 30 december 2 november 12 october 16 meaningful quotes we are displaced by time marian marshall suplee griest late first mother in law spoken to me in january 1994 in a dream after her death we ve got to live no matter how many skies have fallen d h lawrence via whiskey river 8 22 2014 there is something scary about letting ourselves go it means that we will screw up that we will relinquish the possibility of perfection it means that we will say things we didn t mean to say and express feelings we can t explain it means that we will be onstage and not have complete control that we won t know what we re going to play until we begin until the bow is drawn across the strings while this spontaneous method might be frightening it s also an extremely valuable source of creativity the lesson about letting go is that we contain our own creativity we are so worried about playing the wrong note or saying the wrong thing that we end up with nothing at all jonah lehrer via whiskey river 10 22 2014 shrinking simple theme theme images by sololos powered by blogger