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description=4 posts published by some bad plankton during October 2017;

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poems, 10, 17, ten, archives, recent, posts, some, bad, plankton, monthly, october, 2017, 28, six, 18, 09, 02, poetry, essays, photography, drawings, categories, comments, top, pages,

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Text of the page (random words):
i cannot rearrange the features of your face to make you happy i can t make you look good in leggings i can tell you that all your parts work that you are you that if you weren t you you wouldn t be you you re the youest you around i can tell you that your whole line of ancestors has produced a human that is capable of achieving in this world that the vehicle for doing this is your body but you don t care i don t know what you want to be prettier to be thinner to be less chubby i can tell you how to accomplish these goals but if you are not happy with who you are no matter how the outside changes you will never be happy you can always start over but you bring yourself with you wherever you go the doctor doesn t say you re fat i don t think your fat who says you re fat your husband does not care he says you look good your mother would think you were fat if you were a sheet of paper from the side it is only you i cannot help you with this 9 god i would love to be thinner than her it would somehow be divine recompense for the years she yelled at us took out her anger at us for not looking the way she wanted for the puking and the food judging for the snide remarks about bowls of chips it provokes the cat smile doesn t it i could finally do something better than her because she always has to be smarter prettier with a better looking man just the one time wouldn t it be nice to be first in something but i m sure she could make me feel guilty for being fat in the first place and i m equally positive i ll never get in that good of shape 10 i call my mom for support i needed that support and my sister cannot offer a shoulder to cry on she s too harsh for that harsh is a good word i think i m sure the love is there but it is regulated and used with a purpose my mom will tell me about all the suns and moons i am and babble at me when i need it to feel at home this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 10 28 17 body image life new poems poetry relationships sisters work husband writing on october 28 2017 by some bad plankton six poems 10 18 17 1 reply my mother came to visit expect general family analysis 1 look at my sister with her husband and her hobby those degrees and prospects she deserves it of course of course i d like to say look at the support she got that i didn t look at the personality she got but i can t shift blame away from myself i m told everyone does things in their own time but i want my timeline now she ll never be an understanding person she s never been friends with the rapist instead of the assaulted but qualities of character don t matter much when eight hours a day you get to spend doing something you like and i sit behind a combination sitting standing desk staring at excel spreadsheets 2 let me tell you how i m doing i m reading illegally downloaded romance novels on my macbook and changing the pages with my pinky because the rest of my fingers are cheetos stained i m hoping he texts me back i m not applying to grad schools because i don t have three people who would give me recommendation letters it s all my fault i m crying all the time i m dodging the volunteers lady from the community center because i had to watch the worst 2nd graders in the world for three hours and i hated it i m not man enough to say i won t go anymore my hair feels greasy i m actively avoiding the boy who likes me because i think he s ugly everyone needs a fallback right i can pay my bills i m sneezing out pieces of dead grass from the music festival i went to but i can say i ve been to a concert now i m so lonely i want an adventure again or at least someone who lets me rest my head on their shoulder 3 i went to dinner with my mother her husband my sister her husband there was no one on my side i wasn t first for anyone at the table unless i made a fuss then i could temporarily get bumped to the top of the list ahead of my dying grandmother i want to be the reason someone else is there i m not an afterthought i m important too she tells herself quietly in her own head i need help to wake up tomorrow i m tired of my mother being proud of me for making it on my own 4 what am i doing wrong i should blame you for making me doubt myself i m told i must have done something wrong that you won t text me back you won t try and make alternate plans when you tell me you re busy i should drop it right here but i liked you and i don t meet hardly anyone i like and i thought but you never touched me maybe i confided too much i shared too much of myself i should have planned better dates it s just a difference in character it s nothing against me personally i m sure even if he did set something up maybe you would be the one to draw back he wouldn t change just because you got what you wanted he d still be this inconsistent but i really liked him and i can t seem to stop myself why does it hurt so much it shouldn t it s silly i m being silly suddenly i m relating to jazz songs he probably has lots of plans you can have lots of plans too i bet if you wanted not that you d have anyone to go with you to them because you can t seem to find anyone who isn t a ghost i can fix me just tell me what to do well damn that s pathetic you don t stand for this kind of nonsense men should treat you better than this nod your head and move on please 5 i should never have told my sister our mother pressures me into having children now my sister thinks our mother thinks she ll be a bad mom not just once has she brought this up it was my mistake sharing sharing anything at all with my family it s the thousand little winces that build up when you re around them and i can t do anything with them they re just piled on top of old wounds 6 it is not wrong to put feelings on a shelf my way of dealing with things is no worse or better than yours please stop making me feel guilty for the way i process emotions i m quiet dammit i don t like to explode i don t like to get angry i want to think about it first i will resolve the issue when i want to it is possible to feel things later i don t like your way of doing it because somehow it s always me that ends up hurt from your blast radius i don t think i m sulking i just need a minute or i ll let it go please stop it let me be this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 10 18 17 drama family mothers new poem poems poetry sisters six poems visits on october 18 2017 by some bad plankton ten poems 10 09 17 leave a reply about work and love 1 here i will practice it with you i don t like you anymore no that sounds too harsh i think you re unattractive ouch that s worse how about i don t like you that way eek that s just as bad as it s not you it s me i ve met someone else well now that s just a lie i don t need you anymore maybe i never needed you at all bah i ll do what i always do and just hope he goes away instead 2 i feel like the mountain i pretend to be when i do yoga i stand on all four corners you are not needed but i keep you around because i m scared of the time when i ll need you again 3 my mother is coming to visit but we laughed on the phone today and she was so funny i m worried she won t be in as good as mood when she comes to visit she s here to see my sister not me i can sit quietly and keep to myself i don t have to do a thing 4 i need an opinion my father forgot the day to call me not the first time understandable he told me stories he s told me before first he ll offer to lend me the simon garfunkel vhs tape from the park when one of them starts bridge over troubled water too high and has to squeak it out at the end he ll tell me to read that wonderful esquire piece about mr rogers then he ll forget i told him my mother s coming to visit and ask me about church do i tell him he s slipping 5 i have a deadline you know about seven years before i m going to have to take care of my father if i have a family i could get away with that excuse as a reason not to take on the burden but that means i have seven years to get started and wait for my dad to go after the dementia diagnosis 6 it s hard that my brain works because i can often see what s going to happen i can tell you how our relationship will go i can tell you exactly why we won t work but sometimes i want to feel anyway so i ll give it a go against my instincts and he really won t be able to take criticism i ll be right and alone again 7 i can t do this job much longer my short term memory is short circuiting because i m not a computer i m a person why won t you treat me like a person i can t do the same thing four hundred times a day it hurts but i need to fix the air conditioning in my car 8 the hair on my thighs turned brown it s always been blonde i told my sister she said getting old sucks 9 i usually tell people i m blunt and honest because i think that s the truth but i don t want to use it as an excuse to hurt people when i can t tell if what i m saying will be mean i keep quiet i keep to myself and then i m tired and my filters fall down i become combative and talk too much i wonder if that s who i am the rude woman with no censor who hurts with abandon 10 i can t put my finger on why i dislike him i think because he dismissed me which means he s not an accepting person he s judgmental instead interested in himself which means he s been protected and hasn t had to rely on other people hasn t had to rely on other bad people who ve done something wrong too i don t know if i want to associate with someone like that someone who s so pretty they can dismiss people because their confidence provides their personality this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 10 09 17 criticism love new new people poetry ten poems work writing on october 9 2017 by some bad plankton ten poems 10 02 17 leave a reply 1 why is it that it s so much easier to be the one liked more and once you know you like someone more than they like you you cling i should speak for myself i cling i am cling i am dryer sheet i want them to like me maybe i should give up and never like anyone again or be less fat 2 i think the brain that decides it s going to wear my skin while i m on my period has very different taste in men than i do it says this one is safe then this thought will appear it says i want to rest my legs on theirs but when i meet them the next day i can t figure out what it is about them i liked and i think i m the practical monster all over again she who only sees people as a means to scarcely allocated resources 3 they re younger than me i didn t think it mattered i ve always been on the other side of that but i sat at lunch today in the cafeteriatorium they got all the names of all the country stars wrong and i was never minded by a guy younger than me for not answering immediately i wasn t myself because i can t be myself at work and still have a job more so though to me they re still college kids taking about how they learned something new that changed their lives and wondering why something can t be said out loud i have more important things than that group and i m not sure that they do it s like they haven t hurt anyone yet and they don t know how much future hurt they re already carrying around 4 my father is paying my offering money again when we were little he would run down from the pulpit and hand us each a dollar sitting there huddled in the first pew to put in the offering plate he asks me each week on the phone if i need money he sends me a dog eared twenty and a five brochure folded in an old bulletin this week i put my cash in my white envelope then in the heavy rust flecked plate and it felt like i was sitting in the same pew all over again my father taking two seconds out of his important work to rush down the steps and give his girls money to make sure they were part of the congregation separating us from them and connecting us to others at the same time like he s always done teach me how other people think and how everyone else is wrong he s never been able to see from a smaller perspective and he misses out on the insights idiots can make which is why he never understood my embarrassment at having to be the one getting money from the dad s last minute pocket 5 suddenly there seems to be so much time i wonder if thinking back we ll say those were the days when we were young and silly before we settled down i m so glad we settled down or if instead i ll think back to a minor thing i said while i wasn t paying attention a relationship version of nicking a parked car with my sideview mirror a slipsecond of not paying attention that causes us to never speak again maybe i ll call you up in twenty years to see how you are to see if you got what you wanted it s turning over the next card in blackjack to see if you could have made five under twenty one i want to check to see if i made the right decision even if i can t change it now 6 god what did he say to me hang on let me find it i don t ever want you to go hopelessly devoted i think i am my head processed the annoying grammar before it read the emotion i think he s lying but he doesn t know he s lying i don t think anyone can predict their emotions like that but the happy part of my brain says what if he s right that s creepy says me who learned that my terrible step father only went on a first date with my mother after waiting outside her building for weeks he seems to like me is this a self confidence issue with myself do i not think people are capable of liking me i might have heard this before but maybe those other cases don t apply to this one we re different social classes which you don t think is important but it is but wait i m arguing about a different issues instead of this one what is the issue i don t know what to do about him liking me and this makes it seem like he really does like me love me but that phrase gives me all the power doesn t it he doesn t want me to leave i like that but at the same time i m still more comfortable with the boy planning out the dates and taking care of me it s work to be the one in control i can t have the power and still expect him to make the decision though can i maybe it ll be more nonsense he s said with all the other things or maybe he means it or maybe he doesn t know how to say what he really feels i can t know him better than himself though can i 7 everyday i have to drive on a fast crowded four lane twisty hilly road to get to work they test teslas cars on that road in the left lane i ll be passing a gardening truck with hedges sticking out past my dotted line i have to take a deep breath to keep my hands steady the cars coming south are inches from my mirrors around the curve past the rich tech money houses the first time i drove it i said i would smile every time i rode on it now i wish it were a flat line i wish a mountain were a flat line that s how much i dread work i don t want any more of my attention directed in that direction 8 my brain can t stop telling me all the ways this could go wrong over and over to be reject...