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november 2017 some bad plankton some bad plankton poetry essays photography drawings menu skip to content home about poems photos contact monthly archives november 2017 neon jungle 1 reply the neon eye sees all after dark neon moon should totally be the name of a indie rock band toucan yes i wanna be like you o o highlighter paint this entry was posted in photos and tagged art neon neon art neon clock neon monkey neon orangutan neon pyramid neon toucan neonmoon new photography on november 27 2017 by some bad plankton ten poems 11 26 17 4 replies 1 i used to tell myself when i talk to myself which is frequently that all i needed was one person to care about me right i d tell myself just one who cared if i was dead but i have that now i m still unsatisfied i want someone true and loyal to worry about me to love me and i worry this is escalating that maybe i ll get that find a perfect relationship from the books and i ll want more i m worried i ll never be satisfied that my only moments of peace will arrive in two second snippets of peace i find sometimes when i m driving on the highway and the sky looks more orange than usual i worry that i should have been a stoner at least at last at peace with himself 2 the meaner i am to him he closer he pulls because no he doesn t understand me do you have to understand someone to love them i don t think so in fact i think the opposite is true 3 what do i tell him would you please fuck me in the car so i can get it over with doesn t strike me as having a high probability of success return rate how do i say i m not sure if if i missed that boat in high school and college that no one ever made out with me in the backseat but instead people fucked me over in other more fun ways that i don t know how to do anything but i m tired of having people make fun of me for it i shouldn t have told him i was sexually assaulted maybe he s nervous now maybe he just doesn t care one way or the other and is along for the ride like the rest of us coasting until you find you care 4 i m all at odds and a mess with myself unsatisfied angry and mad that i m angry i can t seem to think in a line without a minute of self doubt and stubborn focus on something useless i want attention and loneliness i want a friend companion and perfection i want my hair to look as beautiful the day after i wash it i want to make sense i want to know what it is that i want 5 a cardinal hits my office window everyday repeatedly he makes it up higher on the window some days than others you hear it hit reverberate then scratch again i feel like that damn bird trying to get to where i wouldn t fit in hitting the glass thinking they look like me over there and bouncing back getting brain damage and trying again in twenty minutes hoping maybe the glass has changed forgetting i ve tried before so excited someone looks and sounds like my reflection 6 i pull down my bottom lip in the bathroom mirror after i brush my teeth but before i ve showered to take a look at my skull it s supposed to remind me of the shortness of life and quick approaching death look see your skull with your own hands instead i become obsessed by my plaque hoping i ll never have to get dentures dreading when my gums never shrink back into my brain live your life live your life look what you have left instead i become more obsessed with my future will my teeth ever be straight what would they look like if i got braces does anyone remember when i got that crack oh my one baby tooth is still there isn t that nice watch my desperation for topics once the dread of life sets in 7 i went to a neon art show i went to a local fair trade gift fair for local artists i went to a park with fishing next to the colorado river look at all the things i did look at my pictures as proof what more do i have to do to prove myself to me why can t i be good enough for me 8 i m worried i m picking these fights i m worried that i m not as smart as i think i am i m worried i ll never find a pair of boots that truly fits me i m worried that i ll lose my home and my job at the start of the year how i hate applying for new work have i written this already i worry about that all the time let s try this again 9 i m getting ready to leave here again to find another job in another new place find new coffee shops to type in different stressors to wake me up at night new people to forget new memories to hurt but away from here away from the heat i want to leave because i don t feel at home i think i m looking for community for beauty friends and lovers and i think i ll always be looking 10 she told me to be careful about sending mail here in my name because i m just a guest they might get in trouble with the apartment company she s right i m temporary she s made fun of me for it i m living boring off the kindness of family and a lucky office job until the end of the year then i m free of commitments to become that person who leaves again people forget to remember this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 11 26 17 depression family indecision jobs life new poetry ten poems writing on november 26 2017 by some bad plankton two butterflies leave a reply i m not in the north anymore butterflies in november this entry was posted in photos and tagged austin butterflies monarch nature photo photos purple flowers texas zilker botanical gardens on november 18 2017 by some bad plankton ten poems 11 12 17 2 replies 1 we don t have souls we re just our bodies not much better than ants smarter with a larger more complex society but you kill us and we go away there isn t some spirit that survives it s all very simple he told me and i thought he had no sense of the silliness of life 2 we sat in the back far corner of a studying type bubble tea place i don t think i m the person he invites out to go drinking but i could be myself with him for a minute which was great because i was sullen and being assholeish i used crude language to be fun i updated him about my life my dates my non ending sinus infection and my fears i listened while he had to remind himself to come back to his body because his depression would take him somewhere else i laughed at his stories and his breakups hookups and drug use it was nice to be friends for a minute to think to myself we re friends i can do this i can buy life insurance and have tea normal like and find a way to make it 3 4 he gave her what she wanted that s the refrain she wanted another child she told me my mother she was thinking about getting a donor if she didn t find someone were we not enough are my sister and i not enough is that why my brother gets more money and attention he s the boy the youngest the one really wanted she told me when she forgot she was talking to me they were getting divorced soon anyway she said there was no way i m thinking i was the one last try the goodbye or the accident at the same time she was mock trial arguing women s reproductive rights at her law school she chose to have me and i sit here on a sunday afternoon wondering what i ll do by accident and what i ll get because i want it one way or the other 5 i wore a tank top that showed my bra so he would look at my cleavage it s the one thing about me i thought he might like but if i m resorting to skin it means i m desperate i m not sure which shows more strength the persistence of trying without hope or the courage to have confidence in what s left of my body 6 will i be my mother and have no long term close friends will i have no one to hang out with on sunday nights because i want that the casual they just show up i m tired of having to plan it i know it comes with time trust but i want a click i want luck i want safety i guess i m sacrificing the opportunity for something better to settle safe i think i m okay with that 7 be proud of your failures what an un american thing to say us the people who can t take seriously the things we didn t do ourselves unless you re talking to businessmen who are telling you about how to build a better life using these three principles i don t see anyone taking that to heart i see them pretending to brag about the things they did that went wrong to fool themselves into an excuse for bragging and follow step three written in the first book they ve read in years 8 it s like she forgot she left she was telling me how bad dad was to her when we were little with a casual wave before you remember i told her when it was just me and dad when she was in school he was calmer by then she looked at me in shock still never seeing that other people have lives too that might be just as important painful or meaningful 9 i don t open up to him i don t feel safe i like him i m attracted but i don t feel i can be myself is that because he s more attractive or because my body knows he ll hurt me and it s keeping me tucked away the me who has no boundaries 10 i ve been staring at a age spot that appeared on my hand i remember the wart that was there for years and years the constant shame of my hand the constant hiding right there over the third knuckle how often i would pick it apart hoping i could make it go away without showing anyone without creating another problem for my mother who tried to ice burn it away with some over the counter contraption she picked up on her way home when she was only going to the grocery store for one thing i was fifteen before we went to the skin doctor and the third thing he tried made it vanish and i wonder if his spot on my hand if from the cream they used if this is a delayed reaction to the fact i hid my shame and didn t tell anyone about what was wrong until years later this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 11 12 17 friendship love new poems poetry relationships ten poems writing on november 12 2017 by some bad plankton ten poems 11 7 17 3 replies 1 i can t be honest with you i got enough sleep last night my usual self medication hasn t worked my brain isn t foggy all i can do is sit here and calculate all the ways in which i made mistakes are wrong and be hungry even though i just ate i can t seem to write so i ll just tell you what happened to me this week 2 i broke down in my sisters kitchen chopping vegetables on a black floor tile counter i called my mom i m not good enough mom i m breaking she said have you tried painting or buying something for yourself i needed someone to sit with me while i coped the things i thought were all i needed to be okay turn out to not be enough i just want someone to care about me i just want to do something in an office i just want space to cook and enough heat to not be cold i want enough jeans that fit without holes but i m still not okay and it s not fair 3 i planted plants i paid too much for the bag of dirt if i can keep something else alive i can keep myself alive my friend got a cat even with her allergies homeless people with dogs tend to be better off something about dirt and full circles but really it was the first time in a while i ve wanted to do something so i did it hoping i d want to do more things in the future instead of just more sleep 4 my dad s slipping he says i ve told him that before he didn t know it was getting worse of course it s getting worse this kind of thing doesn t get better am i not important enough for him to keep details straight or is part of his brain dying he doesn t understand how to tell me it will be okay he doesn t understand how to comfort i don t know which one of these will break us but it s around one of these corners 5 i met someone off an app for coffee at my least favorite coffee house we both get bored at live music he seems nice not attractive but nice and now we play my favorite game called what will i do to eff this up text too early sing along to songs be ugly with double thigh dips forget to drive you back to your car how will you seinfeld me out of your life go give me something small about myself to mull over for a couple weeks 6 my sister says i don t need a lot from other people i m pretty self sufficient that can intimidate some people i bought life insurance today is that what she means i monitor my credit score and don t have debt so one will love me here you can have my paid off car and my healthy relationship with my brother can i have a date for my work christmas party 7 i love romance novels i have to read them on a half empty brain or i get mad at the sexism and assaults a refuge is predictability it s calmness because nothing will go wrong worse than you can imagine there s so little secure in my life i want someone else s love to have a plotted existence i want structure to give me meaning in what i see everyday so i find that in trashy books 8 i misplayed at cards on wednesday night i shouldn t have been cocky or smiley happy because we were winning he huffed away mad i forgot to hide myself and i was shot down for it it s not unusual i m always mad that they re people i want them to be people i already know and i want them to like me because i m perfect 9 i made a pineapple upside down cake that was the highlight of things i did i d never done before last week i remember when i tried to do something new everyday so that i could tell the days apart i see people and naturally compare myself and say wow look at that they re experiencing life i want that and instead i arrange pineapples on brown sugar for my brother in law i cut cherries precisely in half instead of falling in love i change the recipe just a little bit because you should mix the butter and sugar together before adding the flour i don t take a road trip i don t spend money i save money for later in life when my back will hurt worse and i ll feel guilty for not having lived while i was young 10 i only lived there a year my sister reminds me like somehow i didn t earn anything like experience is something to earn like she knows i can t claim a place because i was there a little less than 400 days don t be dramatic you re just the same as me she says you re life doesn t have my value look what i ve done in that time instead this entry was posted in poetry writing and tagged 11 7 17 depression family life love new poems poetry relationships ten poems writing on november 7 2017 by some bad plankton writing poetry taking photographs back from hiatus y all search for recent posts mismash 10 poems on almost love ten poems for my early fall ten poems for a hotter july categories drawings essays photos poetry uncategorized writing recent comments memadtwo on four poems for november some bad plankton on four poems for november some bad plankton on four poems for november archives april 2026 november 2022 october 2022 july 2022 june 2022 march 2022 february 2022 october 2021 september 2021 august 2021 july 2021 june 2021 march 2021 february 2021 november 2020 october 2020 july 2020 june 2020 may 2020 april 2020 april 2019 february 2019 december 2018 november 2018 august 2018 april 2018 march 2018 february 2018 january 2018 december 2017 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