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Text of the page (random words):
in the future last summer i was still wig reliant revelling in the novelty of recent chemo graduation and the joy of venturing outside in actual clothes rather than pj s and a bobble hat the whole season was also spent recuperating from mastectomy or undergoing radiotherapy so i don t think i can count that summer as a very typical one this one however has brought with it the crashing realisation that it is not so much a cancer survivors friend in the few short days i have known the sun in 2012 i was really starting to hate it this is not a happy state of affairs i could definitely do with the vitamin d and the pull of the little bit of grass outside my office is great for the work life balance plan i m trying to action at the moment lunch break is not usually in my remit but by eck the hotter season is a whole new learning experience this is what i have learnt so far hot is something i ve been avoiding since i started hormone suppressing therapy last year at least three times a night i have to violently reject the duvet and my mini desk fan is the only thing keeping me appropriately clothed in the office add in actual tangible heat and we have a series of problems a it feels like a hot flush all the time this means my usual this too will pass coping mechanism for each one is not so effective and i feel that squirmy discomfort that is so much more than just hot menopausal women pregnant ladies and fellow c word sufferers will concur a lot more b i really notice the absence of antiperspirant for the first time since i gave up the habit the thought of putting chemicals near my scar is all wrong and i don t want to tempt fate with the remaining boob so i swapped my aluminium effective underarm care for natural deodorising alternatives all well and good when sweating is not really an issue but throw in a bit of scorching sunshine a public transport system more suited to medieval times in terms of air conditioning and clothes that have to conceal a load of brand new body issues and by god do i miss the mitchum clothing was always a fun transition from winter to summer away go the high necks and long sleeves and out come the floaty fabrics and airy strappy wafty heat proof options although you should probably know i don t store clothes i buy new season instead any excuse i ve been practising mastectomy dressing for nearly a year now so i m really quite good at it but summer mastectomy dressing is a different matter entirely as discovered five minutes before i had to leave for my friend leyla s wedding last weekend i had bought a dress especially it ticked all the boxes thick straps to hide ugly bra not too low cut to hide ugly bra cool and colour blocked bcbg designed but outnet discounted and hanging in my wardrobe in eager anticipation of the sunny saturday when i d get to wear it hair done we ll come onto that makeup done bag packed beautiful dress donned dadjokes waiting at the door me putting shoes on dadjokes informing me you can see right down my top when i bend over and it isn t such a pretty site me resolving to never bend down dadjokes warning me i m quite likely to need to bend down me scouring the house for tit tape admitting defeat and tearfully putting on the first thing i pull from wardrobe for the wedding i ve been looking forward to dressing for since i heard about the engagement yes tearfully i am sort of ashamed to say i cried over a dress but it was an expensive and rushed realisation of what an inconvenient f cker this whole business can be mark ii happened a few days later at work when i wore a nice floaty racer back top with jeans spent a good proportion of the morning applying and reapplying tit tape finding it is no match for a weighty prosthetic admitting defeat and rifling through the cupboard for a sleeved high necked top that challenged my natural deodorant no end frizz factor ok there was a very important bit coming next about the heat and the humid hair situation and how a sweaty hairline and a sleek side part do not a good pairing make but then the sun went on annual leave and gale came in to cover now i am faced with a whole new hair dilemma regarding wind and driving rain so irritating i can t even be bothered to blog about it on the end of this post so tired is my left arm from holding a hairdryer aloft every single day and my right arm weary from spraying extra extra firm magnificent hold hairspray every 45 minutes or so so tired in fact the residual effect on y typing figers is too much to get a decent post out there you se so i ll sleep on it and update you on the practicalities of glorious british summertime with a growing out pixie crop just as soon as i ve found something helpful to say for now i learn over n out posted by i love lipstick at 15 20 12 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday 27 may 2012 my blog hiatus and sorry gulp i finally got up the guts to log on and glance through my fingers at the date of the last post an entire month and a half oh dear oh dear so long in fact that blogger has had a facelift and i m navigating the new version as a blogging rookie that s how far off the wagon i ve fallen about as far as a discarded rotten apple off the apple wagon on the way to the cider factory wait i think maybe rotten apples are a key component of cider making but i digress cider talk would appear to be the latest in a long line of procrastinating devices i have developed in order to avoid this whole cancer nonsense these days i ll be honest its about time typing the c word just now was an act of impressive bravery as far as the new and maybe not so improved me goes you see i m a wuss cut and dry no beating round the bush verging on professional wuss who rather than settling into the new life will never be quite the same me has spent the last three or four months trying to clamber back the old version i ve always been a little too ambitious my first saturday job was as far away from the requisite local petrol garage as it was possible to get sales assistant at a high street fashion store or nothing never mind the build up of broke saturday s spent sulking in my bedroom while my friends bought stuff and had fun i would wait until someone was brave enough to employ an experience less schoolgirl to represent their brand this philosophy has applied throughout my life with ideas slightly above my station being the general rule of thumb how else are you crazy enough to try and break into fashion mags so i suppose my post cancer breaking the mould ideals shouldn t be too surprising yes i can be back at work full time a month after my recurrence and second op with just as many bright ideas and ruthless hours of course i can sleep perfectly well and maintain an active social life and fit in all the people i had to neglect in favour of chemo regular emotional wobbles ok full on freak outs moi nah normality is what i have been missing since december 2010 so normality is what i will reclaim 100 no messing about asabloodyp pffft the blog hiatus has fallen to the same excuse as the book procrastination i am just far too busy enjoying my health and normalcy to sit and write or even i m ashamed to say reply to all the lovely blog emails now that i have had a few strong words with myself i suppose i can see whats going on here i ve become so much of a chicken i could be kentucky fried without anyone calling the restaurant health inspector in actuality i m avoiding the issue i have so much more to say every new day is as much of a beauty learning curve as d day but i just haven t been able to someone mentioning the c word be it in a news meeting at work on the telly or a friend talking about a friend of a friends friend i feel like i want to fall off my chair i blush and cold sweat and avert my eyes and think about anything else is this an extreme reaction i have no idea because i don t want to talk to anyone who might know because that would be discussing the one topic i wish i never had to think about ever ever again the cold hard truth is my life has changed i will never be one of those women who revels in their tragedies i don t want my illness to define who i am now but i m stupid if i think it doesn t shape it from having to battle with my ridiculous hair to having to battle with my lets face it fragile levels of sanity at times i am one of a small percentage of 32 year olds who has had cancer who has a very different stance than the 7 other lovely but luckier girls who sit at my desk bench i now realise there is little point struggling to wipe out the worry that sits on my shoulders and not theirs and even less point bemoaning the fact that i was the 1 in 8 on that row of desks who has to carry that worry so you see with that frame of mind blogging about the good stuff is still focusing on the bad if i tell you how i tackle the may heatwave hair frizzing issue i m telling you its because it all fell out and then regrew curlier how much i m struggling to stay on the healthy eating wagon god its easier when you have time to clean out the juicer at leisure instead of 2 minutes before you leave for work is a glossier way of saying i m feeling guilty for ignoring my bodies new needs and slipping back into my before ways answering the lovely emails i get sent is conversing with my new peer group who i gently rebuff because well i just don t want to be in that club thing is i am in it i m not sure you can go through such a traumatic experience i still maintain i did it as beauteously as humanly possible have your body quite literally shaped by cancer and then brush it off with a bit of ignorant avoidance and a striaght back in at the deep end attitude having given up therapy a bit too quickly another avoidance tactic i ve managed to reach the grand old conclusion all by myself that i am an idiot my blog and all of its lovely readers and supporters have been something of a backbone to my cancer experience the beauty trial and error approach was something tangible to focus on writing about my experience was wonderfully cathartic and helped me organise my thoughts and every day that i don t write it i miss it but in a small compartment of my brain that has a combination lock i haven t quite worked out yet by now i d say i ve cracked 3 out of the 4 digits and am a fraction away from the last one i m not sure i ll get there completely and i don t know if i quite want to but every time i sit on the bus and suddenly think what the f ck happened to me i think i m sort of getting my head around it last week saw my one year anniversary from chemo graduation and i am still wrestling my cancer beauty nemeses like nobodies business this means i have plenty more blog posts in me and a unavoidable conclusion that by eck i am a cancer survivor and i have the nightmare hair to prove it just in case my brain keeps regressing into normal at all costs mode and i need reminding of who i really am today now pass me the bloody ghd s posted by i love lipstick at 14 49 23 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday 9 april 2012 you du rag rag rag you du rag rag i have a post in production that explains my recent blog slack so please bare with me but in the meantime i ve been bestowed some extreme problem solving wisdom from a makeup guru friend of mine caroline barns yep it s still the hair the goddamn f king b st pid short hair that chooses to behave in anyway other than ok and which remains a mystery to even me beauty expert that i am i know how straightening irons work they iron hair straight i know this because i have been writing about them for several years i have seen with my own eyes the straightening evidence upon my own hair but show a pair to my new arch nemesis short hair and they re defunct even the mini ones powerless in the face of resolute wave every morning i am baffled as to how the heat plates even steam cannot tame the tufts that curl at the back and above the ears like a wiry old poodle a scientific anomaly whilst having an eye lift lesson from caroline more on that later she casually throws in a magical hair taming tit bit that has changed my life and now yours too invest a measly 1 99 in a du rag most commonly utilised by snoop dog and ashley banjo swoons to keep their afros from forcibly ejecting their baseball caps this funny piece of stretchy cloth is all that stands between me and perfectly smooth hair forget heat damage arm ache from wielding a hairdryer at unnatural angles battling with a bristle brush this is my new process 1 wash hair currently with lee stafford great lengths system i am adamant it works to make my hair grow nicely 2 shove some aveda phomolient light hold styling foam through 3 brush into desired shape in my case flat and emma watson ish low side part etc 4 tie on du rag 5 sleep come morning my hair is so flat it could even do with a little root lift in the form of dry shampoo or fekkai oceanic tousled wave spray done i even use it to refresh my flatness between washes since no matter how straight and dry my hair is by morning it s always wiry old poodle again i m still awaiting my brazilian blowdry appointment but till then du rag i owe you a big one and you caroline even if you have earned me yet another tease to add to my dadjokes collection snoop dawgy daw aw awg sang at every opportune moment delightful he s right though you do look ridiculously awful if husband boyfriend other half not securely pinned down heed my caution posted using blogpress from my ipad posted by i love lipstick at 01 21 9 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday 7 march 2012 the needles in my life as a qualified needle phobic i have come to a post treatment point where i no longer balk ok i no longer cry and sulk and go white and snappy at the thought of a blood test but still i have a tinge of dread i just can t be a willing participant in things that hurt me it s a little disconcerting then that i now have a regular relationship with two particular needles one by choice its not heroin mum one by necessity both very much for my own good i went to miami on a work trip once and everywhere i went amidst the calf implants and rollerbladers there was always a gay man with a great dane and a chihuahua i thought it weird to have two such incongruous dogs i m not sure where i m going with this but essentially one of the needles is huge and the other the smallest of small yes this is acupuncture v s zoladex since my untimely recurrence in jan it has been decided that i try a new method of endocrine therapy in the form of a nightly tablet letrozol and a 4 weekly mamma of an injection zoladex i was still giddy from the relief of the no more chemo news that i happily skipped from consulting to treatment room safe in the knowledge my blood test dread might imminently resurface but i m a big brave needlephobe who can now handle injections with poise grace and minimal to n...